Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (Full Version)

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SusieQ567 -> Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 9:25:33 AM)

Hi guys...Listen, without being critical, i want to explain about a lady we're having challenges with. Have you guys had to deal with someone who is domineering in your sunday school class etc....Always pushy, always talking way too much, needing validation continually. Really looks bad in a group situation. I know how to deal, im trained in this, and feel sorry for our teacher for that matter...but wanted to know how many others have, and how it went. Thanks for reading.



Kat_D -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 10:09:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusieQ567

Hi guys...Listen, without being critical, i want to explain about a lady we're having challenges with. Have you guys had to deal with someone who is domineering in your sunday school class etc....Always pushy, always talking way too much, needing validation continually. Really looks bad in a group situation. I know how to deal, im trained in this, and feel sorry for our teacher for that matter...but wanted to know how many others have, and how it went. Thanks for reading.


Yes, I have. I had a women's bible study at my home and we had a woman like this. It is up to the leader to take control and redirect the focus away from the one who wants all the attention. If this doesn't work, and the behavior continues, he/she should take the woman aside and speak to her about it. If it still doesn't change, as a last resort (for the sake of the group), the woman may have to be asked to leave, and that, I'm sorry to say, is what we had to do with our particular domineering woman.



woodsandfield -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 10:20:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusieQ567

Hi guys...Listen, without being critical, i want to explain about a lady we're having challenges with. Have you guys had to deal with someone who is domineering in your sunday school class etc....Always pushy, always talking way too much, needing validation continually. Really looks bad in a group situation. I know how to deal, im trained in this, and feel sorry for our teacher for that matter...but wanted to know how many others have, and how it went. Thanks for reading.


I agree with Kat, it should be addressed asap by the leader. If everyone is talking about this behind the woman's back, then for the sake of all, it should be addressed .
We had a family that blew into town and disrupted an entire Bible study.
I won't go into the details, but they did considerable damage and then left after the damage was done. Everyone was so impressed by their credentials ,at first, they just came in and took over. We had a weak pastor or else he also was taken in by them.
I felt the devil brought them in to destroy the bible group that was doing so well before they came.



davemiller7 -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 10:23:35 AM)

We had a situation like this in our small group. The leader wasn't very "leaderly" and we eventually left the group because of that.

-Dave



TorchHeart -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 2:48:13 PM)

Sunday School???? Is this one of your students?



SusieQ567 -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 3:04:51 PM)

No, if it was one of my students it would have been handled. Im not in charge of this class. I know the leader will do something, he's a skillful communicator, its just soooo annoying, and yes it can be the enemy definately.



deermousie -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 3:07:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusieQ567

Hi guys...Listen, without being critical, i want to explain about a lady we're having challenges with. Have you guys had to deal with someone who is domineering in your sunday school class etc....Always pushy, always talking way too much, needing validation continually. Really looks bad in a group situation. I know how to deal, im trained in this, and feel sorry for our teacher for that matter...but wanted to know how many others have, and how it went.



Um, yeah... it was me.

I became a Christian out of a horrible family situation, and had no social skills but did have deep holes in my heart. The people in my church gave and gave grace to me, and slowly those holes started to fill up. It took a long time before I was able to give anything back, and I owe God and some lovely, longsuffering Christian people everything for what I have and am now. I'm not perfect, and am probably still obnoxious, but God is working in me and has given me the honor to be helpful occasionally to others.

We used to have a pastor who said that God puts an unlovely person in every Christian group, to give them an opportunity to practice giving grace when they get nothing back. Look around. If no one in your group is unlovely, then it's probably you. [:D]

In my case, it was.

We learn to give, to confront in love, to suffer quietly, to not gossip, and to give grace because we were given grace. To fervently love the brethren (1 Pet. 1:22). I am a debtor to God and my brothers and sisters in Christ. I am grateful, and long-suffering now myself when little Deermousies show up. They still bug me, but I know what to do. Love them. Give, maybe gently rebuke, teach as is possible, pray, and expect God to deal with them and work miracles. It's been done before! [:D]

I am eternally grateful! To God be the glory.



allisonbrett -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 3:18:32 PM)

Chances are this person has some serious unmet emotional needs and is screaming for attention and control. It maybe insecurity.

I agree with Kat, the leader needs to talk to this person privately. Pray for this person as well. Whatever may be underneath her outward issues may be crying out for something else.

Thanks Deermousie! We often don't want to admit when we've been the one to dominate and be rather obnoxious in certain sitatuation. I know I've been the one who at times should have shut my mouth. I know I must have rubbed people the wrong way trying to gain attention (a reaction to childhood trauma and abuse). Today I'm the one who sits quietly, watches and listens without ever saying a word. [:)]



Kat_D -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 3:26:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: davemiller7

We had a situation like this in our small group. The leader wasn't very "leaderly" and we eventually left the group because of that.

-Dave


And this is the sad outcome when a domineering, monopolizing person isn't dealt with by the leader...you lose the entire group for the sake of one.

ETA: If the person is in need of special counsel, discipling, etc., the group setting is not where that should happen...it should happen in an individual, one-on-one setting.



TorchHeart -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 3:30:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusieQ567

No, if it was one of my students it would have been handled. Im not in charge of this class. I know the leader will do something, he's a skillful communicator, its just soooo annoying, and yes it can be the enemy definately.


OK. I'm confused. Sorry. So are you asking in case you have to deal with a kid in a situation like this?



preserved -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 3:40:10 PM)

We have a deaconess who is always talking so much...desires to have her way...and gets quite and upset if she does not get her way...also dress very inappropriately... People have talked to her....no change...So we bascially hear her and ignore her...sad to do...inother words tune in and tune out...



deermousie -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 3:40:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: allisonbrett
Thanks Deermousie! We often don't want to admit when we've been the one to dominate and be rather obnoxious in certain sitatuation. I know I've been the one who at times should have shut my mouth. I know I must have rubbed people the wrong way trying to gain attention (a reaction to childhood trauma and abuse). Today I'm the one who sits quietly, watches and listens without ever saying a word. [:)]


You're welcome, Allison. God heals people, and often He does it through *other* people. You and I and many others are the trophies to God's grace in His trophycase, because of how graciously He has dealt with us.

Broken vessels are almost the same thing as cracked pots. [:D] The churches are full of them, and God is glorified. It's a funny way to run a universe, but it works.



Kat_D -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 3:53:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TorchHeart

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusieQ567

No, if it was one of my students it would have been handled. Im not in charge of this class. I know the leader will do something, he's a skillful communicator, its just soooo annoying, and yes it can be the enemy definately.


OK. I'm confused. Sorry. So are you asking in case you have to deal with a kid in a situation like this?


She said it was a "lady" in the OP.

Some churches have adult Sunday Schools.



TorchHeart -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 3:56:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kat_D

quote:

ORIGINAL: TorchHeart

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusieQ567

No, if it was one of my students it would have been handled. Im not in charge of this class. I know the leader will do something, he's a skillful communicator, its just soooo annoying, and yes it can be the enemy definately.


OK. I'm confused. Sorry. So are you asking in case you have to deal with a kid in a situation like this?


She said it was a "lady" in the OP.

Some churches have adult Sunday Schools.


Oh... ok.



SusieQ567 -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 4:23:29 PM)

Here's the deal guys...im 46,hubby 49. This is not a young baby christian. Thanks for the great replies. Ive been involved in a lot of diff. kinds of things and will answer things all day if it's sincere. This is a control issue. I just wanted to get an overview of what has maybe happened with other sis/bros. for a perspective standpoint. This woman is a trained nurse and is very competent. I know there are needs and do pray for her etc..., but when you interrupt a counseling session where someone husband was just killed to talk about yourself...you have a problem. We have a great growing group and this is just recently become a deeper problem. Thanks for the great replies everybody!



TorchHeart -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 4:34:32 PM)

Ok. I'm clearly out of my element a bit here, but I'm going to throw out this: You say that this is a control issue. I agree that her actions seem pretty self-centered (I don't know what she's talking about regarding herself) and are obviously disruptive. Have you suggested to her that maybe she needs to seek additional councilling for her issues?

(If I'm botching this, please let me know and I'll just get out of this thread.)



SusieQ567 -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 4:53:53 PM)

Torchheart, No that was a great response...that's where I am definately as a loving acquintance of hers. She is alienating people by the minute. Time and space dont permit to recount the details, but its really a problem. It's just awkward when someone our age doesnt know how to act. I can't imagine how the other people are feeling, Im trained in this...Im just being measured in my response due to position,etc...I know the Lord will create a way to get this healed. Let's just say, people, successful adults, at this juncture feel like they are being manipulated. Your teachability is endearing. Thanks for the help.



TorchHeart -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 5:04:58 PM)

Whew! [:D]

OK. In that case, I'd say your best bet is to take her aside (NOT in front of the rest of your prayer group/class) and just let her know that this is causing a problem. You say you're trained in this, so I'm sure you know to try and be gentle in doing this, but suggest that maybe she needs to bring some of her problems up to someone else of a more professional nature.

It seems to me that her actions are a result of whatever problem she's dealing with, and she's not sure how to behave with it. She wants the attention so that she can get help, but I'm assuming that the help she needs would maybe come in a better form with someone who can listen to her one-on-one and give her the advice/encouragement that she's looking for. Once she gets this, I'd be interested to see if her behaviour doesn't improve considerably.



SusieQ567 -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/10/2008 5:15:08 PM)

Yep I agree!



deermousie -> RE: Have you guys ever known somone like this???? (7/12/2008 7:45:09 PM)

Maybe Matt. 18 is appropriate here, SusieQ. When a person offends you, you go to them privately. If they won't listen to you, then go to them with a couple of witnesses. If they still refuse you, you go to the pastor and get the whole church to deal with it publically. Which sounds extreme as she's not grossly sinning, just self-centered instead of other-centered. But if she understands that she is disruptive and refuses to deal with it, then she has a deeper problem with authority and fervently loving the brethren. Or she's got severe social problems, and needs to be "built out"* of the place where counseling is going on or things that take delicacy and discretion (read: mature Christians only) instead of backed into a corner.

What a pain for everyone. And yet God allows these things to happen; I suppose to teach us how to do this and force us back in to the Word for answers.

* the way you keep rats out of your house is to put wire across any place they could squeeze in, and you just build them out. I'm referring to the concept, not the rats. [:)]

TorchHeart, I was touched by your deference and humility. Good for you! If there had been a problem (there wasn't) you left the door open for someone to help you fix it, and then there wouldn't have been a problem. If everyone had this attitude, the Body of Christ would run a lot smoother and glorify God even more! Kudos to you!



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