Leaving the nest...various experiences (Full Version)

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Mrs.Above_All -> Leaving the nest...various experiences (7/11/2008 3:02:39 PM)

Leaving the nest is very much a part of life and can be a major transition. I know that every family and situation can vary from formal (arranged marriages) to difficult situations. I'm curious to 1) hear about your own experiences, whether as the child leaving home or as the parent and 2) see what kind of gender differences there are when it comes to leaving the nest.

I know that this can be a dramatic experience for some and I think talking about will help give each of us insight about this part of life. Feel free to also make reference to anything Scriptural if it helps in your responses.

[:)]



Liveloved -> RE: Leaving the nest...various experiences (7/11/2008 3:10:55 PM)

My parents were intentional about giving their children roots as well as wings. They knew that it was their work to prepare their children to leave. They did it beautifully. Leaving as a child and leaving as an adult were quite easy. I was loved and released, given roots and wings. I am so thankful to them.

We did the same with our son. He was given roots and wings and has transitioned well.

I think our culture has difficulty today letting go. So many parents live vicariously through their children. It is not a godly life and creates difficulties for both the parents and the children. The leaving and cleaving principle from Genesis is so important. Anyway, those are my thoughts on the subject.[:)]



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: Leaving the nest...various experiences (7/11/2008 3:37:09 PM)

That's great LL! Rooted and with wings...I like that!

Ok for me, it's all been rather challenging. I am the only child, a girl and come from an Asian background. This, plus my parents are not believers. Can you guess as to what that is like sometimes? [;)] My parents spoil me and try to instruct me in practically everything, even the littlest things. I have to honestly say that it makes me feel less of an adult and frustrated . I am getting married in August and I know that they are having a hard time. My mom shows it the most though. As the wedding day gets closer, I can see all the coping mechanisms she is going through...buying me EVERYTHING I need for the new apartment, getting on my case for everything, as if she is running of time to be a mom.

I am dealing with this and making sure I set good boundaries NOW before it get's harder to do so. I also plan to write her a letter to read after I leave for my honeymoon so that I can say what I want to say without interruption. I think a letter form will work best for both of us.

Before I ramble to much I'd love to hear your experiences. I am just beginning to go through them so I will be able to share more along the way.



deermousie -> RE: Leaving the nest...various experiences (7/12/2008 2:39:20 AM)

I'm laughing, Above_All, because I'm on the other side of this! My only child, my daughter, is leaving next month for her first year of college. I'm doing the same thing your mother is! [:D] I'm trying to buy her everything, make sure I've taught her everything I can, and just told her tonight to take whatever out of the kitchen she thought she might need.

Truly this is traumatic/wonderful. My daughter, like you, is an adult and as well-prepared for life on her own as I think a young person can be. I really can't do much more for her than pay her bills, and yet for the last 20 years she's been my focus. So pray for us moms! Our job is over, you could say, and suddenly a person we love is not here anymore. Great loss. And great gain - we have launched a wonderful human being into the world. Fly high and well!

I just put in an application to work at my husband's job. Time to earn that tuition (and get out of the empty house). [:)]

Happy wedding, Above_All, and may you and your new husband be greatly blessed as you walk in God's way. May your mother survive and come to Christ as well. I am praying for you tonight.



buckifn -> RE: Leaving the nest...various experiences (7/12/2008 6:58:34 AM)

I had a little bit of an advantage...when I was still in hs I left every summer for 3 years to take college courses, so I knew what it was like to live on campus alone and I also knew what it was like to have total freedom. I didn't handle either of them perfectly, but I managed.

Letting go was hard for my mom and it was even tougher for me because she died while I was away at college.

My kids moving out on their own was a little tough for me too, because their mom died unexpected the same year they left for college...

but the good news is we all survived those tough days and God was right there with us helping us through every day.

The best advice I can give you is lean on Him more and your own understanding less. Ask Him to guide and direct you in your own goals and in your relationship with your mother.

Accept your mom's fears as love and keep in focus..the small stuff is really small when you realize how suddenly death can steal away someone you love.

I would also suggest you ask your Mom if the two of you can pray about this time of exciting changes in your life and let her hear you praying out loud for her and thanking God for her love and care.

I wish I had sense enough to know the value of that way back then!



blueshadow -> RE: Leaving the nest...various experiences (7/12/2008 1:54:23 PM)

Once I turned 18, my parents had a philosophy of "you're an adult, you do what you want." It's very freeing - I've become a very independent person, used to making my own decisions, and I know that it's entirely my fault if I screw up - which I also know I probably won't..I've had one truly stupid moment in the past four years. The fact that I got a job when I was 16 and kept it until I started college helped, I think. Even when I was still at home, my parents usually gave me permission to do what I wanted - because I asked for reasonable things. For me, it was really a gradual progression to independence, as opposed to going from having life micromanaged by my parents to complete and utter freedom from their interference.

After a year of college, I'm starting to think I'm unusual - both in having parents who say "it's your life, you're in charge" and being responsible enough to not NEED anyone telling me "don't do that, it's a bad idea!"

So, leaving the nest was pretty much painless - aside from homesickness here or there, and being confronted with situations at college that I would much rather NOT deal with! I live close to home, so I visit a lot - my church is down here, and it's very important to me, and sometimes I escape those situations by going home.



Focusing -> RE: Leaving the nest...various experiences (7/12/2008 11:42:17 PM)

launched a wonderful human being into the world

Wow! That's what I want to say when my son moves out of the house ... even though we're talking years from now. He's an only child, and I have always viewed it as my goal to raise a child to be independent and to be a productive part of society one day. It's a lot of work, but a lot of fun too. [:D]

Me? Well, I came from a very large family. My parents couldn't afford to send any of us to college, so I had to get a loan to pay my way. What a pleasure it was to receive the notice stating it had been fully paid! They didn't worry too much about any of us, and honestly, I didn't think anything of it at the time, but in hindsight, it was almost the sink-or-swim scenario. [8D] "Well, you're on your own now. Good luck." I was a bit envious of my peers whose parents could afford to help them get a place and set it up with all the nice little necessities. But, on the flip side, I learned something most of them didn't: how to succeed on my own, and how to appreciate the things I got without taking any of it for granted ... and that was the biggest and most valuable lesson I could have learned. It has helped me over the years, and through some of what I have gone through, more than anything else.



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: Leaving the nest...various experiences (7/13/2008 3:48:06 PM)

Deermouse that is too funny! It's great though how we can come here and learn from each other huh? [:)] My prayers go out to you and your daughter as she grows up to be a wonderful lady.

Buck thank you! I like how your parents helped you progress over time. It makes a huge difference indeed! And I totally understand about appreciating. I do appreciate my parents. There are just times when it gets overwhelming. My wonderful FH does a great job in reminding me to communicate with them. It's all a learning process and G-d is always right there to guide ya.

Blue you said the word that sooo describes some parents (including mine)...micromanage. lol When I read that I was like, yeah that's the perfect word! All in all I think it's all about balance. We want to support our kids but we don't want to micromanage and control their lives. We don't want to not be involved at all either.



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: Leaving the nest...various experiences (7/16/2008 2:42:57 PM)

So here's a question we can talk about...

Parents...how would you like your children to act if you are going through a tough time with them leaving? What's a good way of children to help their parents cope with the change? I realize that each answer may be theoretical or personal. But please share. [:)]



bzirk -> RE: Leaving the nest...various experiences (7/16/2008 2:47:28 PM)

I'm in the same place deermouse is, and I am especially aware of this:


quote:

make sure I've taught her everything I can


I've had to ask the Lord for peace about that, and He's helping me not to feel I'm sending her out unprepared. But it's hard.

I just don't want to do what my parents did, which was to seem that they did not trust me and made me feel very funny about leaving home and very insecure about being on my own. The truth is that they trusted me a lot, and they had me take on an enormous amount of responsibility as a child, but they exuded such fear for me, and I tended to pick up on that. I DO NOT want to send my child into the world with that kind of fear.



slushie -> RE: Leaving the nest...various experiences (7/16/2008 8:29:59 PM)

I know what you mean. In another year I'll be leaving for college, and I know that even though my parents have a lot of kids they'll feel said. My dad will most likely freak out the most over it, getting me ready and stuff. My mom is more levelheaded about it.



deermousie -> RE: Leaving the nest...various experiences (7/17/2008 1:07:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Above_All
Parents...how would you like your children to act if you are going through a tough time with them leaving? What's a good way of children to help their parents cope with the change? I realize that each answer may be theoretical or personal. But please share. [:)]


My kid is leaving for college next month. She knows this is hard for us, but we've sat her down and told her that this college is the one her entire homeschool experience was pointed at, and it will finish what we started. She'll work harder than she's ever had to work before, but she'll get a class education and have a ball living in a community of serious Christians. And that makes her parents so happy they practically glow in the dark! Rise and conquer, young'un!

I'll be going back into the job market to help pay tuition. I told her she's to work hard at school and I'll work hard on a job to pay for it. So we kinda have an understanding.

OT: my own home leaving was on a different planet. I found a lady who'd let me move in with her. As soon as my father left for work the next morning, I grabbed my clothes and few belongings and got out of there. If my father had seen me trying to leave, he would have stopped me. Physically if needed. I was 20. So sad and unnecessary.



song -> RE: Leaving the nest...various experiences (7/18/2008 12:29:25 AM)

I left home for the mission field... that really didn't work out so I came back. They don't want me here though really. But I have no place to go with no college or savings beneath my belt. Kind of sad actually. A little depressing. Still trying to figure things out.

At least I'm debt free so far...



shadowspring -> RE: Leaving the nest...various experiences (7/19/2008 10:29:52 PM)

(((((song)))))

I am sorry your missions experience didn't work out. But trust in the Lord and continue to seek Him. He does love you greatly. [:)]

My daughter is leaving for college in a month. She is attending a private university about 20 minutes from home in a very safe part of town and a small campus. It is not a Christian school, but there are three active ministries (Campus Crusade, Inter-Varsity and Baptist Student Group) a chapel on campus and a huge Baptist church across the street.

At this point, she plans to come home on weekends, and later even live at home and commute as an upperclassman.

I am ready. I am glad she chose the school she did, as it relieves my biggest fears:

What if she gets lost? She's terrible at directions. It is a small campus. It is impossible even for her to get lost.

What if there are no decent people, much less Christians to make friends with? Highly unlikely, especially with the large Baptist church across the street and the ministry groups on campus.

What if her mono acts up or she gets depressed? Who will help her? I'm twenty minutes away. If she calls, I'll be there. I'll see her on weekends. If she's having trouble adjusting, we'll be able to tell.

I think this is the easiest leaving the nest experience I could've hoped for...



shadowspring -> RE: Leaving the nest...various experiences (7/19/2008 10:44:33 PM)

quote:

Parents...how would you like your children to act if you are going through a tough time with them leaving? What's a good way of children to help their parents cope with the change?


Hmmm. I guess anytime I am having a hard time I would appreciate a hug, and some kind of reassuring statement like, "Remember, God is in control. We can trust Him in this."

Weekly notes home might be a help if you are not going to be able to visit often. I love postcards because there's not room to write much more than a short encouragement with a scripture reference. Plus postcard stamps are cheaper than regular stamps. Win-win. Mom gets mail; you don't feel obligated to include the minutia of everyday life.

Second semester maybe the frequency of postcards could start tapering off... (but I'm sure most parents would be thrilled if they didn't).

Oh, wait, I just remember we live in the year 2008! [8D] How about IMing once in awhile, or texting every now and then, or showing them how to use myspace to keep up with what's happening in your life? Or just a weekly e-mail rather than postcard (but then you give up the beauty of the small space on a postcard keeping your news brief).

On second thought, go with the postcard. [;)]



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