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Psalms274 -> RE: From Unbelief to Faith in God (7/14/2008 4:14:45 PM)
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Ok … this is going to take A LOT of words … I will do my best to keep it succinct. I will talk about only my life … and how I saw it at that time. You will notice the lack of details of others in my life and how these things affected them. I was so consumed with surviving, that I did not see how those around me were hurting too. I bought the whole evolution thing, tooth and nail in High School. They taught it with such authority; it never occurred to me that a teacher could be misinformed. I lived at home with my parents and 5 siblings my senior year. That fall my brothers were in a terrible car accident, one died at the scene (age 14) and the other (16 … he had just received his license and was driving the car) remained in a coma for several weeks. Now my mom and dad had been alcoholics for quite some time prior to this and our home was often in chaos. To top it off, a man began to stalk me. It was a very dark and scary time. I had been suffering from an eating disorder for close to 5 years at this point, and after my brother’s death it went from bad to worse. The next five years I made several attempts at my life. I was an emotional wreck to say the least … and definitely belonged in a hospital, but never had anyone even attempt to intervene. I was in college and on the swim team … that was the only thing that kept me going. I achieved All American status for a number of years and had a shot at making the Olympic team in my sport … even though I was very underweight, threw up everything I ate, and ended each day taking 20 to 30 laxatives to be certain I didn’t gain any weight. Competing at the national level, I was in the water working out close to 5 hours a day. In all honesty, I should have died from complications of the way I was abusing my body. (My doctor still can’t believe it didn’t kill me.) While in school, I had a special interest in the life sciences. I took organic chemistry, microbiology, biochemistry, molecular biology, anatomy and physiology, kinesiology, cell biology … just for fun. (I know … weird.) I ended up with a minor in molecular biology … and it was while I studied the life sciences that I became acutely aware that evolution just didn’t fit the reality of how life works. Up to that point, I was certain there was no god … in fact when attempting to take my own life; I was convinced that I would simply cease to exist. I remember the struggle in letting go of all hope so that I could just die and no longer be. … Well, the more I learned, the more apparent it was that something had to engineer life … it simply was not possible for all of this to occur by mutations … there were far too many things that could not be explained by science … in fact with life, the rules of chemistry seem to change so that life could happen. (For instance, the way chemicals react within a living being is different that how they react “normally.”) Though I could now see clearly, that there was a “creator” I thought the God of the bible was just plain nonsense … and those Christians were down right kooky. I believed all the rhetoric about Christianity by those who thought like I did and would make fun of them in my heart. I couldn’t believe that they actually thought Jesus really walked this earth, everyone knew that was just a myth … I now know it was everyone who never bothered to find out for themselves believed it was a myth. I had a rotator cuff injury that kept me from the trials, and took my first job as a counselor in psychiatric hospital for kids. Now at the time I was probably sicker than the ones I was suppose to help … and about a year later I was the first to be laid off when the census went down, even though I had seniority. I was as messed up as they get … and extremely immature. When you have an eating disorder, though your body ages, your thinking and reasoning remain near the age the disorder began … in my case 11. I had an uncle in Charleston, SC, and decided to take the unemployment, pack up and leave to start a new life … so I did. (There is so much I am leaving out that make the story even more remarkable … but it would take a book … ) I started to volunteer for an organization called Happy Days and Special Times. Happy Days was for children with cancer and their siblings … I went on a week long camp as a counselor. I became very aware that many of these children would not make it to see the next year. I knew there was a God at this point … but I had never desired to know Him. It was at that camp that I wanted to know if He actually cared … There was a guy there who I thought was quite handsome, and he started to take an interest in me. I never thought of myself as very pretty, but I was actually beautiful in terms of the world. (I was recruited by one of the largest modeling firms in the world during college, and tried it out the summer between my junior and senior years … just searching for something that would fill me … I hated having my picture taken … I saw myself as the ugliest girl in the world and did not understand the attention I was getting.) He told me he was a Christian and invited me to church. I had always received a lot attention from guys, but it was the kind where they wanted something I would not give away … my purity. It may be because of how I saw myself at the time, or maybe I didn’t want anyone to know my darkest of secrets … though I now know My Lord was keeping me back then before I ever met Him. The invitation was the closest thing I had to a date, so I went. While there, all the questions I had … about the kids who were dying, about those that never heard of Jesus, about the evil in our world was in, all the injustices … and was Jesus even real? I went to the Pastor with a million questions … similar to what I have seen from you. His answer was … he would not answer any of them until I knew why the tomb was empty. He said I needed to find out for myself. I thought, “What a cop out … he doesn’t know and is stalling.” He also suggested I go to a bible study for single women lead by M.E. I ended up going to that study to see if they had any answers … and joined the choir … because I loved singing … not because of any belief on my part. They were studying Kay Arthur’s “Lord I want to Know You,” a study of the names of God. I was very open about my unbelief and always had a “but what about this?” question … or questions for them. These girls lovingly answered … and showed genuine love for one another … and for me. They would pray the mushiest things I had ever heard to something I did not think even existed. And took a real interest in me … it was all so foreign. They suggested I start reading the bible, and to start with the book of John. I did … but to be honest, I did not understand a word I read. None of it made sense to me. One night, about five weeks into my joining the group, they came to the chapter titled, “The Lord is My Sheppard.” In it Mrs. Arthur explained that a Sheppard would take a lamb that kept wandering away from him and break its leg. He would then hold the lamb close to him and nurture him back to health, so that when it was well again, it would not wander away into certain danger. I began to cry … I had my leg broken so many times and didn’t want to suffer any more. The gals in the study suggested some reading for me … to explore if this Jesus really was who He claimed to be. As I researched it, I found out that there is more historical evidence that Jesus walked this earth than any other historical figure of his time. In fact there is 600 times more evidence that he lived than there is for Caesar Augustus, whom I had never questioned. The evidence also showed that 11 of the 12 disciples died a martyr’s death because they refused to say that they were lying when they said they claimed to have seen Jesus after He was crucified on the cross … in fact many of the 500 that saw him after the resurrection were killed because they would not recant their story, often repeating the experience to the ones about to kill them. If they had said, “you’re right, I was lying,” their lives would have been spared. I wondered why would these people die for a lie? I looked at the history of Paul’s life. He was a man who was having Christians killed because he believed they were blaspheming his Yahweh (the name for God in the old testament) … yet he did a complete turn around on the way to have more executed in Damascus, becoming one of them … in fact he became the most influential messenger for the gospel ever, writing at least 13 of the epistles in the new Testament. His account stated that He encountered Jesus on the way to Damascus. Could there be another likely explanation that fit his behavior? I looked at Jesus’ words … He clearly stated He was God when He said “I AM,” He claimed to be God’s Son and said He was the only way to the Father. Now those words cannot come from a “good man.” A good man,” “a good teacher” would not lie … and they would not be crazy. So many people talk about how He was a “good man, teacher, example,” yet He claimed to be God … crazy people and deceivers do that … good men do not. I looked at this and so much more and knew that the reason the tomb was empty was because He had risen from the dead, just like He said He would. If there had been a body, those attempting to stop the movement caused by the disciples who claimed to have seen Him would have stopped at nothing until they found the truth. Of the four gospels, the authors either were witnesses (had seen the resurrection with their own eyes) of the accounts, John and Matthew; or were very close to the first hand witnesses, Luke and Mark (John Mark more accurately). The newest findings show that all were written within the first century after Jesus’ death and resurrection, and 3 of the 4 within 15 to 30 years after His death and resurrection … far to early for them to be influenced by a “legend” … it typically takes a couple of hundred years for legends to develop. (I had always been book smart … and took this task on as a nobal scholar seeking the truth.) I … as I stated earlier, now knew in my head that Jesus was who He said He was. I told the gals in the study and M.E. and her husband, Dr. B. invited me to dinner the next evening. After dinner they asked me, now that I knew in my head it was true, was I ready to make a commitment? I told them I was … but I needed to use the bathroom first … I was still consumed with an eating disorder that had ruled my life, and wanted to get rid of my meal before I said yes. I came back and “said the prayer” … but it wasn’t until later that evening that I really made the commitment. As I showered, I broke down and fell to my knees begging the Lord to forgive me for my arrogance and asking Him for the gift of Salvation. It was in that moment He became my Lord. I was in a very dangerous living situation, and M.E. & Dr. B. invited me to live with them and I was in there place within the week. I now opened the bible and understood every word I read … I was overwhelmed with the love that poured through me. I began to devour the Word, and absorbed every bit of teaching I could get my hands on. There was an unbelievable hope within me … and a joy I had never experienced …. Yet … I still could not control my eating. It was October 15th, 1991, I went on a very long 3 hour bike ride. (I was still over exercising ...part of the eating disorder.) I knew I had to share my trouble with eating with the B.’s. I had to stop my ride periodically because I was crying so hard I would begin to hyperventilate. I had tried to stop the eadting disorder with all that was in me and couldn’t. I resigned to the study to spend time with God … it was around 5 pm and M.E. came in and sat with me. She had been in prayer all day … and asked me if I had anything I would like to share with her. I said I did, but I would tell her tomorrow … she asked if it had to do with my eating. I immediately began to weep, and told her everything. The B.’s took action, they had a doctor they wanted me to go to and decided the best thing was to place me in a Christ based psychiatric hospital … I had to come to the reality that I was mentally ill and could not do this on my own. My doctor’s appointment was for the following Monday, the 15th was a Tuesday. I tried like I had never tried before to control my eating … but all I could think of was food … and how to get rid of it. By Friday I could no longer resist and really caved into the eating disorder. I was devastated. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t do it. That evening, I cried myself to sleep … I knew God was able to heal me completely, but I also knew He could probably use my experience in the hospital to reach others … so I prepared myself to go the hospital and fell asleep after many tears. I understood His ways were best. As I slept, I had a familiar nightmare … something evil would come to my bed and I could never move. I would do everything I could to wake myself up … it was always the most terrifying experience. Just when I thought I was awake, I found that I was only dreaming I was awake, and it was still there … This time when the dream began, I thought, “but I know God … I can pray.” I had only been a Christian a month, and the only prayer that came to mind was The Lord’s prayer so I prayed “Our Father, Who art in heaven …” over and over in my sleep …. And the evil abruptly left. I woke up the next morning, and had a strange feeling, but I didn’t know what it was … It then occurred to me, I wasn’t obsessing over food and my weight. I didn’t remember the last time that had happened. I ate breakfast like a normal person … thanking God for the experience of the meal … unexpectantly, that meal became two, and then three, and then a week and then a month … each meal I rejoiced with gratitude … knowing that maybe it was just a divine reprieve … That was 17 years ago this coming October 19th … I did not expect God to heal me … and did not fully realize that He had taken this deadly disease from me until a month later …. I just couldn’t believe it was true. I never went to that hospital …. And God changed me completely from the inside out. I am a completely different person … completely whole. I have worked in mental health specifically working with abused kids. My coworkers and friends look to me as one of the most emotionally stable person they have ever encountered … and I can take absolutely no credit for that … The last 17 years are peppered with similar experiences as the first … I am in awe of God … the One I thought I knew didn’t exist in my utter ignorance. I thought I was too smart to believe such nonsense … when in fact I believed in nonsense before I knew Him … He is so good.
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