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RE: Friend's Birthday Gift - 7/14/2008 5:10:00 PM
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christsstar
Posts: 4598
Joined: 4/8/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sadey
I wouldn't put anything about causing strife in the card, her husband probably will read it and it might start some more reaction from him.
I think a "So glad you're my friend" card would work.
Just don't let this hurt your friendship with her. Next birthday just give her a card and a big hug and let it go. She will understand.
I feel bad for both of you, can't you just imagine how hard it was for her come to you and bring the gift back. How humiliating for her. It may have hurt his feelings and pride if she can't afford clothes right now. She may have done it to protect his feelings or he may be a stinker. Just make sure you don't say a word against him.
That's a better idea.
Maybe instead of a gift in the future, you could take her to lunch.
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RE: Friend's Birthday Gift - 7/14/2008 5:21:33 PM
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Sideways
Posts: 2753
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: landabee
She said her husband said the color was too bright and the shirt wasn't a type she should be wearing.
I offered the receipt again... and she said that her husband said she couldn't accept a gift from me again. She looked like she'd been crying.
The color was to bright? This man definitely has some serious control issues, and probably is a very hard man to please/live with.
Certainly you are not to blame, but I think are doing the noble, gracious thing by sending her the card. She probably needs a good friend like you, and by taking the high road you are respecting her marriage and still offering her the benefit of your friendship.
I'm so sorry you were hurt by this man, but kuddos to you for acting so kindly.
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RE: Friend's Birthday Gift - 7/14/2008 5:28:33 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10182
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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Oh, Landabee...I'm sorry. I'm sorry for you and for Molly. 
Please know that there is NOTHING wrong with you. Please don't take that burden on yourself.
From knowing you here over the years, I have seen nothing but a loving, Godly woman. You're in a different place than many, and I'm sure that hurts sometimes, but you are not any less than any other woman.
Praying for God to ease your heart's hurt.
As for fellowshipping with those in a similar life stage...well, that's a bunch of baloney. There is much to be learned from people who have been through different things than we have.
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RE: Friend's Birthday Gift - 7/14/2008 5:28:53 PM
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Mrs.Wifey
Posts: 4732
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: The Gorgeous plains of Colorado
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(((Landa))) You are taking it much better then I would have... I'm sorry you lost such a beloved friend.
I know a man like that... He just recently attended his daughter's wedding and sat in the back which was an improvement over his initial refusal to attend.
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Ryanne
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RE: Friend's Birthday Gift - 7/14/2008 5:29:49 PM
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SweetLittleErin
Posts: 3395
Joined: 7/20/2005
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(((Landabee))) My heart aches for you.
_____________________________
~Erin~
Mommy to Isaac, born 7/29, 12 weeks early.
<----My little Superman
A Glimpse Of Pink
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RE: Friend's Birthday Gift - 7/14/2008 5:51:47 PM
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Sideways
Posts: 2753
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Oh my dear lady. I'm so sorry for your pain.
Please do not this controlling jerk demean your self image. There are a lot of things I'd like to say about husband who would tell his wife what to wear and who to be friends with, but most of them would be a TOS violation.
You are a beautiful, loved child of God, and this man is not displaying Christ through his actions. He's more concerned with wielding power and being a demi-god over his family.
I hope your heart can heal from this. You'll be in my prayers, as will your friend Molly, for being trapped in such a situation.
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RE: Friend's Birthday Gift - 7/14/2008 7:08:53 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 8235
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
Oh my dear lady. I'm so sorry for your pain.
Please do not this controlling jerk demean your self image. There are a lot of things I'd like to say about husband who would tell his wife what to wear and who to be friends with, but most of them would be a TOS violation.
You are a beautiful, loved child of God, and this man is not displaying Christ through his actions. He's more concerned with wielding power and being a demi-god over his family.
I hope your heart can heal from this. You'll be in my prayers, as will your friend Molly, for being trapped in such a situation.
I'll just ditto this because anything else I write....well, you know.
Bee, you're an awesome and classy lady and I count myself blessed to be able to call you Friend. 
_____________________________
Some days it's just not worth
chewing through the restraints.
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RE: Friend's Birthday Gift - 7/14/2008 9:21:42 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 523
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline
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Landabee,
Please know that this has nothing to do with you. I can promise you that if she gets close to someone else, he will put an end to it. I think he is an abuser, not physical violence but emotional manipulation and keeping her all to himself. He will end up paying for this because I think it kills
something precious in a woman to be treated this way.
One of the signs of abuse is to keep the spouse from other relationships.
How sadthat that he is chosing her friends. And the reason is insane.
You must not feel bad about yourself because its never ever wrong to do the loving and kind thing, and thats the only thing you are guilty of, being kind and loving to your friend. Keep praying for her and for him.
This is far from over and I hope and pray that you keep the love and hugs going between you and her because I think she will need you someday.
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RE: Friend's Birthday Gift - 7/15/2008 8:18:12 AM
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lexie
Posts: 3059
Joined: 6/27/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline
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Landabee,
I'm sorry all this has happened. It is unfortunate when things like this happen in a friendship.
As for the outfit, as someone who dresses modestly and covers, I didn't see a problem with it at all. In the past I've been given gifts that may not be completely appropriate for my clothing convictions but I still find a way to make it modest and use it.
However, I have a husband who doesn't care too much on what I wear. I do know someone who is a little similar to your friends husband when it comes to clothes. He has made her return many items because he didn't feel they were appropriate. (However, being too bright has never been a concern in our church, it's more the lack of coverage or the tightness).
I'm really, truly sorry this has happened. Who knows how they came to this decision. Maybe she is struggling with something, or together they are struggling with something and this is the best decision they can come up with. Sure the explanation she gave is kind of stinky, but it's the decision they made.
Plus, this decision could have been a long time coming and had nothing to do with the gift that you gave her. Unfortunately, we don't know the conversation they had.
You and I are in different life stages but we can definitely hang out!
Also, maybe you could still give her a little token of your friendship (I'm not sure what) so that she knows that even though you may not be close anymore, you still value the friendship you have and will still be able to have if things change.
(Now that I think, maybe something small like a bookmark for her Bible, something she'll use and remember your friendship.)
_____________________________
I want to be more than an ordinary servant.
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RE: Friend's Birthday Gift - 7/15/2008 8:56:58 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 8235
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
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quote:
I'd like to avoid stirring up more strife in that household.
Sometimes we just have to let go.
And this is wisdom, Bee. I'm sorry for your emotional turmoil. 
_____________________________
Some days it's just not worth
chewing through the restraints.
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RE: Friend's Birthday Gift - 7/15/2008 10:56:18 AM
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christsstar
Posts: 4598
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
quote:
ORIGINAL: BeckeyZ
btw.....I'll pm my size if you wanna do some shopping for me  .
I know! I'm not nearly as modest as Molly, but I really loved that outfit. dH would like to see me in more dresses/skirts, not as a command, just a preference. Don't see to many maternity skirts, though, and I am not a good seamstress.
I see them at Target. I keep saying, "Oh ... that's so cute. Oh, it's maternity. Why don't they have that in MY size??!?!?!"
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RE: Friend's Birthday Gift - 7/15/2008 11:39:29 AM
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lexie
Posts: 3059
Joined: 6/27/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline
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quote:
Lexie, I wish I could give her a token of friendship. But at this point, I'm afraid to even bake goodies for her family anymore. I don't want to anger her husband or make him think I'm encouraging her to disregard his edict on gifts. I also don't want him to worry about any influence I may have upon her.
I completely understand. I was trying to think of something that would be so small her husband wouldn't notice, but something big enough to remind her of your friendship.
quote:
I have decided to just pray for the family as a whole. They cannot stop me from praying.
Indeed. The husband may be able to control who his wife is friends with, but he can't control your praying, and he can't control God's will for the family.
_____________________________
I want to be more than an ordinary servant.
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RE: Friend's Birthday Gift - 7/15/2008 12:18:46 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 523
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline
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I really think that even though she said we came to this decision, there was no WE in it at all. Again I don't think this is the end of it.
God Bless
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RE: Friend's Birthday Gift - 7/16/2008 8:42:13 PM
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W.O.F.
Posts: 1671
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: an ignoble beginning
Status: offline
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I think the skirt was very nice. The blouse was nice as well, but I would have picked out the darts myself as it did have the bust emphasis going on....
However....as has been said. Clothes are personal....and obviously in this family the husband is very strong minded in this area.
What bothers me most is not his reaction to the gift (having her return it), but the cutting her off from you....and defining that she only be with like-minded women. IT sounds like the typical isolation routine of an abuser....and they do need your prayers.
Just make sure that she knows that you LOVE her..and are there for her whenever she needs you.
She may end up needing you.
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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Christine 
But whatever his intentions and whatever his heart he's clearly missed out on the concepts of loving kindness and graciousness. 
my soldier! 
