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landabee -> Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 11:40:11 AM)

Hello ladies. [:)]

I have been trying to figure out a way to start this thread while not offending anyone. I really, really want a good discussion that will help me to understand (hopefully) some of the dynamics and mindset of a friend and her hubby.

First: They are a Godly couple. They are quite traditional in that she is a SAHM with two littles. The oldest little is eight... I think... and homeschooled. The younger little is 3.5.

Okay: here is the situation.

We have been friends for about 2.5 years. I have always been aware that there are differences in convictions between us. However, it has never caused a problem, because I respect (or at least I'd like to think) her convictions.

Anywho...

My friend, I'll call her "Molly" had a birthday last week. She dresses modestly and covers. A few months back she was talking about not having clothes for the summer... and no time to sew and couldn't afford to shop.

So........ I went shopping for her birthday. I kept in mind her dressing preferences.

I bought THIS skirt.

and

THIS blouse.


What is your take on the acceptability of these articles?

Following your responses, I'll be back with more of the backstory.

Thanks! [:)]



manda59 -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 1:24:48 PM)

The skirt and blouse are quite nice, I magine (not being one who wears skirts and blouses) but I would personally hate for anyone to buy me clothes. Buying clothes is such a personal thing. No-one knows me well enough to know what I'd like and besides, I'd always rather choose for myself.

Last time I knew a friend was in need of clothes (she had had a nervous breakdown and was in hospital), I bought her a gift voucher for a ladies clothes store, so that she could choose some things for herself.

I'm not saying you did anything wrong buying these items for your friend, it's just that I personally wouldn't have liked it.



landabee -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 1:38:20 PM)

Hmmmmm....... you make a good point, Manda. [:)]

I didn't think of it that way. We have been out together in the Mall and for some weird reason (no she gave me no prompting) I thought that it was okay to buy for her.

Thanks for the possible clarity. I know that I will definitely take your advice for the future though with others. A gift card! Great idea.... [sm=thumbsup.gif]

I don't think that was problem......but I'll wait to provide more detail for when/if someone else should offer their point of view.



firefightermama -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 1:54:20 PM)

I don't know much about women who are convicted to cover, but I think the outfit is great landabee, very modest. I like it.

I do like to choose my own things, but I also love it when somebody else picks out something they think I would like! One time my aunt picked out a shirt for me that I would never have chosen for myself, and I ended up wearing it a lot.

I quite like it landabee [:)] Did you keep the receipts though?[;)]



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 2:00:12 PM)

I like it too. I've seen the skirt you bought in stores...perhaps some women might find it too short...however, as a woman who dresses modestly and covers, I think it's a lovely outfit! I would be grateful if I had been the recipient to be sure...
The only offending thing I can think of is if she's sensitive about her size?
Sandy



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 2:04:32 PM)

I guess she didn't like something...huh? I like the skirt. I'd like to have one myself...and I dress modestly. I read that it falls below the knee...so that's good. I don't have any convictions about covering except that dressing modestly and not showing too much is a good thing...I am not sure how much your friend likes to cover...

The shirt, I'm not crazy about, just because it isn't my "thing." I am not sure if I've ever owned a button up shirt in my life. It's just me. I love the summery color of it though, but I wouldn't like 3/4 length sleeves for summer, but since she has convicts about covering, maybe that's why you chose that one...

So, what did she not like about the outfit?



CoeurdeLeon_ -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 2:12:23 PM)

You can buy clothes for me anytime, Bee. I really like that outfit.[:)]

But, as a general rule, I prefer if people don't get me clothes. Clothes are real personal and something may be in my size but not fit well on me, ya know?

With that said, no matter what someone buys me, I sure do appreciate that they thought of me and were so thoughtful to get me anything.



landabee -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 2:14:26 PM)

Thanks for the responses thus far. [:)]

She wears a size 14/16 and looks great. (big frame) I obviously didn't see the outfit on her...but I thought it would at least hit her knee. When I held it up in the store, it looked like it would fit her.

I've seen what she wears at home: usually a 3/4 sleeve thin cotton shirt with three or fou buttons near top, with a jumper over.

So... that is why the 3/4 length. Her jumper length is just at knee or just below knees. She wears strappy sandals (think: huraches) or tennis shoes.

She has gorgeous blue eyes and I thought the color would look good.

She has stuff to wear at home. She said she had nothing to wear to church.



landabee -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 2:20:20 PM)

I kept the receipt.

Okay, the rest of the story:

I gave her the present Saturday morning. I dropped it off at her home. (She knew I was coming with a birthday gift)

She opened it...exclaimed... and thanked me. (I think she liked it)

She called last night and asked if she could stop by. I said "sure".

She brought back the gift and said that she would not be able to keep it. I offered her the receipt, if it didn't fit well. She said, "no".

She said her husband said the color was too bright and the shirt wasn't a type she should be wearing.

I offered the receipt again... and she said that her husband said she couldn't accept a gift from me again. She looked like she'd been crying.

I'm devastated.

I feel that I caused discenssion in her home. [&o]

It was awkward. I don't know what to do. I cried my eyes out...because she is a great woman and I value her friendship.



PrudentWife -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 2:25:34 PM)

I know you haven't given many details, but are we to assume the recipient of the gift was offended? And you want insight as to what was wrong with the gift?

Maybe she is simply offended at receiving a gift period. (Maybe not even offended, but very surprised and responded strangely.) Is your relationship one in which you two exchange gifts at holidays? You mention she doesn't have a lot of money. If she hasn't gotten you a bday gift, and has no means to do so, receiving a gift from you might embarass her or remind her of her financial state.

Or, maybe she is one of those people with very strong opinions of Wal*Mart and their business practices. Weird, I know. But I'm just searching for an explanation as to why your gift wasn't well received.

You didn't buy a short leather skirt and fishnet stockings. The outfit is conservative. So I just have a feeling that this is more than just a style issue.



landabee -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 2:27:11 PM)

I don't think Molly was offended. I think her husband was.

[&o]

ETA: We exchanged gifts for Christmas this year. I always bake and give away. But I bought the littles books and toys.

I don't have loads of money, so I shopped at Wal Mart. I shop for myself there, too sometimes. I'm a single parent. [;)]

She shops at Super Wal Mart, too weekly.



PrudentWife -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 2:29:28 PM)

We cross posted Landabee.

I'm so sorry you have been hurt like this. I really don't think convictions about dressing style gives people permission to be hurtful like that.

I think your friend either has a husband who is controlling, doesn't like you (sorry, but it's a possibility), or has some issue with people giving to his wife. Maybe he sees it as an insult to his ability to provide.



CoeurdeLeon_ -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 2:29:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: landabee

I kept the receipt.

Okay, the rest of the story:

I gave her the present Saturday morning. I dropped it off at her home. (She knew I was coming with a birthday gift)

She opened it...exclaimed... and thanked me. (I think she liked it)

She called last night and asked if she could stop by. I said "sure".

She brought back the gift and said that she would not be able to keep it. I offered her the receipt, if it didn't fit well. She said, "no".

She said her husband said the color was too bright and the shirt wasn't a type she should be wearing.

I offered the receipt again... and she said that her husband said she couldn't accept a gift from me again. She looked like she'd been crying.

I'm devastated.

I feel that I caused discenssion in her home. [&o]

It was awkward. I don't know what to do. I cried my eyes out...because she is a great woman and I value her friendship.

NO WAY! Bee that's crazy. Even if he really didn't think it was suitable, it's a colossal overreaction.



christsstar -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 2:34:07 PM)

Sounds like the husband has VERY strict ideas of what she should be wearing and if you don't understand those ideas, he doesn't want you to exchange gifts with her anymore.

Very sad.

I'm sorry Landabee. That's just plain hurtful, IMO. I would be offended, not by Molly, but by Molly's DH.



landabee -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 2:40:40 PM)

I'm not offended by Molly. I love her! She is the funniest person I've met in a long time.

Prudent, I think you are probably correct that her husband doesn't like me. He's never acted badly towards me... but you may be right. I'm not the type of woman that he expects his wife to be. [&o]

Now... I'm at a loss of how to pick up and go on with our friendship. I don't know if I should wait to hear from her... or reach out.

Both sound risky. If I wait, she may think I'm angry. If I try too soon, it may inflame the home issue (that I suspect) I caused.[:(][:(][:(]



christsstar -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 2:43:45 PM)

A card of apology?

"I'm sorry if my gift caused strife. Call when you want."?????

without knowing Molly, it's hard to say how to word something like that. But it would go a long way in my heart if that happened.



landabee -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 2:44:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: christsstar

A card of apology?

"I'm sorry if my gift caused strife. Call when you want."?????

without knowing Molly, it's hard to say how to word something like that. But it would go a long way in my heart if that happened.



Great idea! I will get one in the mail!



christsstar -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 2:44:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: landabee

quote:

ORIGINAL: christsstar

A card of apology?

"I'm sorry if my gift caused strife. Call when you want."?????

without knowing Molly, it's hard to say how to word something like that. But it would go a long way in my heart if that happened.



Great idea! I will get one in the mail!


Keep us updated please.



PrudentWife -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 2:46:14 PM)

Awww, I'm truly sorry Landabee.

Honestly, if your feeling is correct, then all you can really do at this point is pray for Molly and her husband. Hopefully the Lord will open the husband's heart and he can see the benefit of his wife being friends with you.

ETA: I agree that the card is a good idea.



SweetLittleErin -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 3:12:26 PM)

WOW. I feel really bad for your friend. I personally didnt see anything wrong with the outfit. I'm sorry her husband was so rude. I agree with maybe sending her a note, its not HER that did anything, make sure she knows you are not upset with her. Because I can imagine she is afraid she lost or will lose your friendship. I'd also be careful to not cause too much strife at home because her husband sounds very controlling and it does sound like he may not like you because you dont fit HIS mold of what a woman should be. ((hugs)) I'm sorry.



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 3:16:56 PM)

interesting. That's too bad. Without knowing the husband, I'd have to agree that he's got some underlying issues.
I'm sorry for you, and very sorry for your friend.
I think the card in the mail is an awesome idea! Give it some time, even if she doesn't respond right away, at least she'll know you're not angry with her
Sandy



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 3:24:34 PM)

Well, here I am. [:D] Landabee, you can buy clothes for me anytime. [8D] I thought that outfit was lovely! You have great taste. [:)]

I'm sorry it ended up in a mess. I always worry a little that that will happen to friends of ours. Just because sometimes my dh will react to something in a way nobody would have expected. For us it's partly a cultural thing and partly personality--there are situations where he feels our convictions or marriage are threatened in some way, and if he feels that way, he will launch into "protect at all costs" mode, which to outsiders may seem controlling or just plain mean. He also tends to immediately think the worst until proven otherwise, while I tend to think the best until proven otherwise. Certainly we have run into some painfully awkward situations because of this. [&o]

I bet your friend feels caught in the middle. Feeling bad having to return a gift, which I'm sure she appreciated, feeling bad realizing that she and her dh may not have been exactly on the same page as far as clothing, feeling bad that she ended up being the center point of both you and her dh having their feelings hurt. This is my guess because this is exactly how I feel at times. Living with dh, I've gotten to know how he feels and that some things I'd never imagine to be hurtful deeply wound him, but I also am used to American culture and pretty open and flexible about stuff (and if I don't like it, I was raised to be gracious!), so I know some refusals, and certainly returning a gift would be hurtful. [:(]

I don't think you have anything at all to apologize for, but I bet a sorry-to-have-caused-strife card would smooth things out a little.

{{{{Landabee}}}}



landabee -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 3:32:04 PM)

Maggie, thank you so much for your input. I really appreciate the insight about how her hubby may have felt.

I definitely will get a card out to her.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 4:06:13 PM)

quote:

I think your friend either has a husband who is controlling, doesn't like you (sorry, but it's a possibility), or has some issue with people giving to his wife. Maybe he sees it as an insult to his ability to provide.


These were my thoughts also.

YOU did not cause any of these issues. They are his issues. Do not take responsibility over his upset.

That said, I can tell you love this friend. A carefully worded card might be just the thing to smooth things over. And then I'd not mention it and just pray and continue to be her friend.



Sadey -> RE: Friend's Birthday Gift (7/14/2008 5:05:45 PM)

I wouldn't put anything about causing strife in the card, her husband probably will read it and it might start some more reaction from him.

I think a "So glad you're my friend" card would work.

Just don't let this hurt your friendship with her. Next birthday just give her a card and a big hug and let it go. She will understand.

I feel bad for both of you, can't you just imagine how hard it was for her come to you and bring the gift back. How humiliating for her. It may have hurt his feelings and pride if she can't afford clothes right now. She may have done it to protect his feelings or he may be a stinker. Just make sure you don't say a word against him.



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