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simplybeautiful -> is this rude? (7/14/2008 12:19:49 PM)

I am still getting over a relationship that was not healthy. I am friends with my ex on facebook. we don't talk and I am trying to heal and do my best to go on. When I see his name and what he is doing online it is painful. especially stuff with his new girlfriend. I know he wants to be friends but we don't talk online. I have made a point now to look at his profile or his girlfriends. but those pictures of them pop up on my minifeed. I also know he will be hurt and probably think i'm rude. I don't want it to be like that. It just I am working daily to remove him from my heart and mind. I don't hate him. it was just a painful break-up. I want to honor God in everything I do. Is it wrong of me to delete him? My older brother told me to delete him as my friend right after the break up but I said no thats silly and now 4 months later I want to. I'm kind of stubborn and don't want him to think he is right. Another things about it that bothers me is that my brothers are still friends with him. what should I do?



Elena1030 -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 12:26:03 PM)

Having someone in one's list of Facebook "friends" does not indicate the kind of friendship nor the level of closeness with that person. I have folks in my Friends on Facebook who I don't really "hang" with but know from high school or college or work or church or whatever.

If you desire to delete him from your friends, that's fine. It's not wrong.

If it were me, I'd do it! To me, it's the same as limiting contact or ending all contact. Right now, you need that space.

And it's your decision, no one else's. And so what if you've changed your mind! You're not required to hold the same opinions about everything for the entirety of your life, right? Right. =)

And it's not like you're being mean, ugly, and rude to him.

So don't worry about deleting him from your page. He'll be okay.


And eventually, you'll be okay too. =)



FunBetty -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 12:27:09 PM)

Facebook now allows you to "prioritize" your feeds, and with that I believe you choose not to see feeds of certain ppl.

But the adding/dropping? It's hard to say. Obviously you're still hurt from the situation and not able to handle him moving on. I know it must totally stink. You said he wants to be friends, but do you want to be friends?

I've always pondered what to do re: myspace and facebook "friends" who come in and go from my life from that standpoint.



CoeurdeLeon_ -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 12:27:15 PM)

Remove him and don't worry about it. There's no reason for you to keep being hurt just so he won't get his feelings hurt 'cause he's not on your friends list. You have the right to do what you need to do to heal yourself. It's not like you're doing something to him. You are merely removing yourself from his scope of influence. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.



KuKu -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 12:36:09 PM)

As someone who has done this, my thought is simply this, the longer you keep him on facebook, etc, the harder it is to realize that he is ex... he is obviously going on with his life (you mention things in your minifeed), and as long as you maintain this connection, you can't remove him 'from your heart and your mind'...
I don't have facebook, but I do have a myspace, and from my experience, if you remove someone from your 'friends', all it takes is an invite, at a HEALTHIER time, to readd, if you so desire...



Elena1030 -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 12:52:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FunBetty

Facebook now allows you to "prioritize" your feeds, and with that I believe you choose not to see feeds of certain ppl.


Oh! That's handy to know. Thanks! [sm=icon_smile.gif]


Lady Fritz's point is excellent:
quote:

ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
It's not like you're doing something to him. You are merely removing yourself from his scope of influence. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.



And so are KuKu's points:
quote:

ORIGINAL: KuKu
The longer you keep him on Facebook, the harder it is to realize that he is ex.

... as long as you maintain this connection, you can't remove him 'from your heart and your mind'...

from my experience, if you remove someone from your 'friends', all it takes is an invite, at a HEALTHIER time, to re-add, if you so desire...



Maintaining the boundary that helps heal you and nurtures your emotional and mental health, simplybeautiful, may indeed lead to his feelings being hurt. But that is something OUT of your control and that you shouldn't feel burdened to have to mitigate.

What would be wrong would be to cause him harm, which is irreparable. And deleting him from your official friends list online is not going to harm him.


I suggest reading the book Boundaries, by Drs. Cloud and Townsend, which explains the difference between hurt and harm and which helps you understand what maintaining boundaries is all about.

Also, I have found the book When People Are Big and God Is Small, by Edward T. Welch, very helpful to me in dealing with my people-pleasing issues. (Which have manifested themselves in an inordinate concern that I don't hurt others' feelings... which actually is more about my pride --- that I don't want to be seen as a "meanie.")

When you are ready, it might be a good idea to deal with root issues that relate to this concern about hurting someone else's feelings. (You're not alone in that. Many humans care too much what others think of them.)



broyce1981 -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 1:07:35 PM)

I vote for "Do what you must to properly heal from this relationship". If that means deleting somebody as a friend from Facebook, so be it. Better to be able to move on than reliving what went wrong every time you look at that feed.



Resonance -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 1:16:51 PM)

Hon, it is not at all rude to delete someone from your "friends" list on Facebook. And really, if it honestly bothered him if you were to do so, I'm sure he would message you and say something. The fact that he has a new girlfriend is enough of a clue that he has moved on. It's quite clear that it's only making you ache to have his life without you in it presented to you on a daily basis. Removing him would help you not have that in your face. Then the only thing you have to do is just not search him and look at his profile. Believe me, I've been there. It's hard letting go.



mutinywxgirl -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 1:18:33 PM)

I had someone block me on Facebook - someone who I have known since 1992. People do it all the time. Painful breakups stink. Do what you need to do - FOR YOU!



woodwind228 -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 2:32:01 PM)

I would delete/block him too. Even though you can control the feeds somewhat, I don't think you can delete all feeds from his profile. I reduced the feeds for someone on mine because feeds concerning this person (friend, not ex or anything) was just sooooooooooo voluminous and I was getting tired of seeing it. So I reduced the type of stuff that I wanted to see (what the main postings were from this person) and then later, when there was no obvious reduction, went to reduce stuff by the person's name. I still see some stuff, so I've gotten to where I don't go to my "home" page as often.

My 2 cents, for what it's worth.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 2:50:57 PM)

I was in a very emotional relationship recently (well, not THAT recently, but within the year) and was severely hurt when it ended. We were on each others myspace and facebook pages and I was just going to leave us on each others pages just because.

Then everytime I would see something done by him, or new pics up, or something it would hurt me like the first time. It drove me insane. I finally had to remove him.

When I did it was the biggest relief I had ever felt. There was no more wondering, no more 'aww man...we used to do that...' no more nothing.

Even after his best friend tried to guilt me about it, "He would never take you off his pages...how could you do this to him?" I stood strong. He wasn't losing anything by what I did, but I was gaining my freedom.

I made the right decision IMO.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 4:15:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: simplybeautiful
I know he wants to be friends but we don't talk online.,,,, and now 4 months later I want to. I'm kind of stubborn and don't want him to think he is right.

well it doesnt seem like there's been much friendship the last 4 months so why not drop him. besides if he grows closer to this girlfriend, is he really going to start making time for you guys to do friend stuff? your needs, not his should be considered.

quote:


Another things about it that bothers me is that my brothers are still friends with him. what should I do?

this is a lot harder of a question i think. but we can't control other people's actions. you could ask your brother's to try not to talk about him in front of you that it is painful memory.



ju-ju -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 4:30:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KuKu

As someone who has done this, my thought is simply this, the longer you keep him on facebook, etc, the harder it is to realize that he is ex... he is obviously going on with his life (you mention things in your minifeed), and as long as you maintain this connection, you can't remove him 'from your heart and your mind'...
I don't have facebook, but I do have a myspace, and from my experience, if you remove someone from your 'friends', all it takes is an invite, at a HEALTHIER time, to readd, if you so desire...


I agree with Ku-Ku....and, anyway, it's just Facebook not like in-his-actual-face-"rejection"-kinda thing. I would feel okay about removing him.



ShallbeRebuilt -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 5:00:20 PM)

Perhaps you would prefer a scriptural reason to delete him. In my mind, there are a couple good scriptural references for this. One is doing what is best for the OTHER person...the Golden Rule.

If you are going to act in the very best way for him, even if it's painful to you both, then you can delete him. It is important for all of us to realize that actions have consequences. He has decided you are not for him, and you apparently have decided that he is not for you, either. Therefore the best thing for both of you is to move on with what God has for you, and he needs to know that as much as you do. So you can righteously delete him. If he asks why, tell him that it is just a consequence of the breakup. Maybe he'll be more careful about forming relationships from now on.

Your heart is still coveting the relationship, and that is against scripture at this point because he is in another relationship. Therefore anything you must do to help yourself get over this guy is a good thing. Again, you can righteously delete him. And again, if he asks why, you can explain that you desire to keep your thoughts righteous and so must not give yourself opportunity to covet the past relationship thereby dishonoring him and his new flame until that temptation is gone.

besiderself



FunBetty -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 5:03:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: besiderself

Perhaps you would prefer a scriptural reason to delete him. In my mind, there are a couple good scriptural references for this. One is doing what is best for the OTHER person...the Golden Rule.

If you are going to act in the very best way for him, even if it's painful to you both, then you can delete him. It is important for all of us to realize that actions have consequences. He has decided you are not for him, and you apparently have decided that he is not for you, either. Therefore the best thing for both of you is to move on with what God has for you, and he needs to know that as much as you do. So you can righteously delete him. If he asks why, tell him that it is just a consequence of the breakup. Maybe he'll be more careful about forming relationships from now on.

Your heart is still coveting the relationship, and that is against scripture at this point because he is in another relationship. Therefore anything you must do to help yourself get over this guy is a good thing. Again, you can righteously delete him. And again, if he asks why, you can explain that you desire to keep your thoughts righteous and so must not give yourself opportunity to covet the past relationship thereby dishonoring him and his new flame until that temptation is gone.

besiderself


Yeah, what she said!!!!



okrox -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 6:04:52 PM)

Wow.

If 100% of the single posters here agree on something, I think you'd better believe it.

If you need to delete him to move on (which nearly everyone would) then that's the right thing to do.



mutinywxgirl -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 6:11:34 PM)

quote:

If 100% of the single posters here agree on something, I think you'd better believe it.


LOLOLOL - oh wow - I didn't think about that, but yeah, we all DO agree on this one point. Will wonders ever cease?????

Thanks SimplyBeautiful! You've done something that no one else has been able to do in my time in the forums - make us all agree on something.

Woo hoo!!! [:D]

Now, do what is best - FOR YOU! [:)]



simplybeautiful -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 6:40:19 PM)

Thanks everybody for your advice and input. I have deleted him and his girlfriend. (I was friends with her also, kind of a messed up story. ) it was not out of hate or anger it was becuase I want my heart to be healed and that is just one of the steps for me to do that. I feel that I had moved on to an extent but had not completely because of that. Right now, I'm feeling great about it and know that the Lord led me to this place to give me encouragment to do what I knew I had to do but didn't want to. Thanks again.



CoeurdeLeon_ -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 6:47:24 PM)

Good for you![:)]



shemaromans -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 8:23:47 PM)

SB, I didn't post my opinion as I would only have repeated what almost everyone else already said. Good job being proactive about your healing!



simplybeautiful -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 8:50:41 PM)

Elana1040 Thank you so much for the book recommendations. I do realize i"m a people pleaser. I'm hoping I can get away from work this weekend and go get at least one of the books to start on.



Resonance -> RE: is this rude? (7/14/2008 11:42:12 PM)

You go, girl!

As a side note, this thread made me clean up my Facebook friends list, lol.[:D]



beachcooky -> RE: is this rude? (7/20/2008 2:23:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: simplybeautiful

I am still getting over a relationship that was not healthy. I am friends with my ex on facebook. we don't talk and I am trying to heal and do my best to go on. When I see his name and what he is doing online it is painful. especially stuff with his new girlfriend. I know he wants to be friends but we don't talk online. I have made a point now to look at his profile or his girlfriends. but those pictures of them pop up on my minifeed. I also know he will be hurt and probably think i'm rude. I don't want it to be like that. It just I am working daily to remove him from my heart and mind. I don't hate him. it was just a painful break-up. I want to honor God in everything I do. Is it wrong of me to delete him? My older brother told me to delete him as my friend right after the break up but I said no thats silly and now 4 months later I want to. I'm kind of stubborn and don't want him to think he is right. Another things about it that bothers me is that my brothers are still friends with him. what should I do?


Everyone has done it. I mean, I've done it. And I know other friends have done the same thing. I was crushed when I found out my ex (he broke up with me) found a new girlfriend 2 weeks later. And now he's engaged to her.

If you want to delete him from your friends, then do so. Personally, I wouldn't. I've done it in the past, and when I forgave him and want to be friends with him, he doesn't want to. I always regret it. I don't do it anymore. My last boyfriend, I met him when I was on a date, haha. We found each other on myspace and started talking. We went to a party together and we kissed. We started dating. And when I broke up with him, I've checked out his myspace several times. To see if he found another "girl". I shouldn't be worried since i did break up with him. but i know it would crush me if he found a girl soon afterwards.

so do your thing, but i suggest you just tell him how you're feeling. honesty is the best policy.



gaylel1 -> RE: is this rude? (7/20/2008 11:53:29 PM)

Drop him and move on. You should not have any emotional connection to this person because he's part of your past now. He's not worth it to begin with because maybe God did not want you to be with him anyways.

I know that people will think that this will sound mean, but God may have revealed to you that he was not the right man for you anyways.



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