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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 3:38:55 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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quote:
It almost seems some men, maybe some women as well, put physical preferences so high to against the chance of falling in love with someone who doesn't meet that requirement............
I mean goodness if I allow myself to explore a relationship with a man I don't find attractive, heaven forbid, I might just end up falling in love with him and then what would I do.... would marry an unattractive man!!!!!!!! LOL
But I think that proves my point. I would much rather have someone tell me, "You are so beautiful to me, your what I've always dreamed of," than, say to me, "um you weren't too attractive to me at first, but I guess you're ok now."
_____________________________
Now thank we all our God, with hearts and hands and voices, what wondrous things He's done, in whom the world rejoices.
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 3:43:04 PM
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joy2give2u
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quote:
But I think that proves my point. I would much rather have someone tell me, "You are so beautiful to me, your what I've always dreamed of," than, say to me, "um you weren't too attractive to me at first, but I guess you're ok now." Really.........I would rather someone tell me, after they know my heart, that I am beautiful to them........If he is in love with you.......you will be far from just OK now..........you will be the apple of His eye despite what the rest of the world thinks of your appearance.........
I would actually rather have a man say to me.......You are so beautiful to me, your who I've always dreamed of........big difference.
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 4:00:06 PM
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BugLady
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
quote:
Whether he's shallow or not, establishing requirements like that make him appear shallow. And most women, even thin ones will close him out.
Sigh, why do women always think it's shallow for a man to have preference? We have our preferences, too. Better to be honest about what he wants than to lead someone on and then dump her because she wasn't what he wanted.
Hey, I completely get that men (and women) have preferences. I don't think preferences in and of themself make one shallow. Not at all. I just think it's tactless to verbalize a preference in a profile. How many men would respond to a woman stating , tall, broad shoulders, no beer guts or something like that? It puts the focus on wants, and it becomes more like shopping than interacting with a fellow human being. But maybe online dating is like shopping. I dunno. It just seems like people state things online that would otherwise be considered rude, tactless and insensitive if said in person. I guess that's my point.
_____________________________
Importing foreign convicts; separate prosecution and penalty for each person imported.
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 4:03:21 PM
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Tinkerbell_
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BugLady
quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
quote:
Whether he's shallow or not, establishing requirements like that make him appear shallow. And most women, even thin ones will close him out.
Sigh, why do women always think it's shallow for a man to have preference? We have our preferences, too. Better to be honest about what he wants than to lead someone on and then dump her because she wasn't what he wanted.
Hey, I completely get that men (and women) have preferences. I don't think preferences in and of themself make one shallow. Not at all. I just think it's tactless to verbalize a preference in a profile. How many men would respond to a woman stating , tall, broad shoulders, no beer guts or something like that? It puts the focus on wants, and it becomes more like shopping than interacting with a fellow human being. But maybe online dating is like shopping. I dunno. It just seems like people state things online that would otherwise be considered rude, tactless and insensitive if said in person. I guess that's my point.
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 4:29:33 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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quote:
I would actually rather have a man say to me.......You are so beautiful to me, your who I've always dreamed of........big difference.
Ah, so you have just admitted a preference you had!! Of course I want my future husband (if there is one, lol), to be attracted to who I am, but I also want him to be attracted by the whole package..physical, personality, and spiritual.
FWIW, I was on a dating website a while back, and I responded to this one guys ad. However, he was not mutually interested. He admitted that one reason was that he preferred shorter/tinier woman, and you know what? THAT DID NOT OFFEND ME!! I told him he was just as entitled as the rest of us to have an opinion about what was attractive to him.
_____________________________
Now thank we all our God, with hearts and hands and voices, what wondrous things He's done, in whom the world rejoices.
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 4:35:28 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
quote:
ORIGINAL: BugLady
quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
quote:
Whether he's shallow or not, establishing requirements like that make him appear shallow. And most women, even thin ones will close him out.
Sigh, why do women always think it's shallow for a man to have preference? We have our preferences, too. Better to be honest about what he wants than to lead someone on and then dump her because she wasn't what he wanted.
Hey, I completely get that men (and women) have preferences. I don't think preferences in and of themself make one shallow. Not at all. I just think it's tactless to verbalize a preference in a profile. How many men would respond to a woman stating , tall, broad shoulders, no beer guts or something like that? It puts the focus on wants, and it becomes more like shopping than interacting with a fellow human being. But maybe online dating is like shopping. I dunno. It just seems like people state things online that would otherwise be considered rude, tactless and insensitive if said in person. I guess that's my point.
But in real life, he can just quietly not ask certain people out. If your online, you may as well be upfront with what your parameters are.
_____________________________
Now thank we all our God, with hearts and hands and voices, what wondrous things He's done, in whom the world rejoices.
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 4:38:07 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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I personally have fetish for men with jet black and hair and olive skin. I don't care if they are tall or short, have a extra weight or not, have skin problems or not, what their teeth look like, or what shape their nose is, but I DO melt for black hair and olive skin. I don't think that makes me shallow, it's just a preference, and guys just have their preferences, too.
_____________________________
Now thank we all our God, with hearts and hands and voices, what wondrous things He's done, in whom the world rejoices.
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 4:41:45 PM
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Tinkerbell_
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
I personally have fetish for men with jet black and hair and olive skin. I don't care if they are tall or short, have a extra weight or not, have skin problems or not, what their teeth look like, or what shape their nose is, but I DO melt for black hair and olive skin. I don't think that makes me shallow, it's just a preference, and guys just have their preferences, too.
But the question is, will you refuse to date someone who does not adhere to those standards? The answer is the difference between preference and shallowness.
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 4:45:29 PM
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BugLady
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quote:
But in real life, he can just quietly not ask certain people out. If your online, you may as well be upfront with what your parameters are.
He can do the same thing online, after he views a picture.
_____________________________
Importing foreign convicts; separate prosecution and penalty for each person imported.
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 4:50:28 PM
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joy2give2u
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quote:
Ah, so you have just admitted a preference you had!! Of course I want my future husband (if there is one, lol), to be attracted to who I am, but I also want him to be attracted by the whole package..physical, personality, and spiritual. ??? Sorry oneofhisjewels I am not following your train of thought..........My preference, being I think you are saying, that I would rather have a man see me for who I am then what I am physically is somehow me having a physical preference? I am a little confused.
I also don't think you grasp what I am saying LOL
I want my husband to be attracted to the whole package........physical, personality, and spiritual...........I just happen to believe those things are not "seen" in the beginning but develop as you begin to see the person's heart.........
Just as with my friend, who asked her husband if he found her beautiful, he did.......she was the whole package to him.......just because others did not see her physical beauty doesn't mean she was not beautiful to him..........she was.........he said so.
Did you ever see the movie Shallow Hal?
There is a scene, after he can see her as others see her, that he explains why it is a bad thing that he can now see as his friend sees.........Up until that point when he looked at the woman he loved he saw her from the inside out and to him she was very beautiful........it did not matter how the rest of the world saw her......in his eyes she was beautiful.
I would never encourage anyone to marry someone they did not find beautiful..........I do not think it is shallow to for anyone to want to marry someone who is beautiful to them........my thoughts are only that it is shallow to see beauty only based on your first physical impression...........or in the case of the online men before they have even seen the person or gotten to know them they have decided they will not see them as beautiful if they do not meet certain physical requirements.........to me that is shallow
quote:
I'm attracted to men with thick dark hair, bright green eyes, tanned muscles, and brains to rival Albert Einstein. Does that mean I turn down every guy that doesn't fit that criteria?
You never know if you will be attracted to someone until you get to know them.
I will never understand why people are sooooo hung up on looks.
Exactly..........and to decide before even meeting someone that if they do not have thick dark hair, bright green eyes, tanned muscles and brains they are not attractive to me is shallow.........
Love the avatar Tink.........it is making me laugh.........
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 5:22:42 PM
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joy2give2u
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quote:
then someone who is dating you but only tolerating your appearance with an inner disgust. Hey OneOfHisJewels I was thinking about this thread as I was closing down my office and a thought occurred to me.
Maybe one difference is I have never met anyone who I have seen their appearance and had an inner disgust...........
IMHO everyone, no matter what they physically look like, has something attractive about them........I can't imagine meeting someone and having disgust at how they look.........disgust is a very strong word..........
If a man was truly disgusted by anyone's physical appearance then yes I would think he was very shallow......so shallow he was unable to see past the unattractive to those things which were attractive............
Even men who were not attracted to me because of my weight, face or some other feature saw things which were attractive........Men seem to love my hair or my eyes........or even my smile.......a non shallow man is able to look past what he does not find attractive and see what he does........
I am not saying he will find everyone attractive but I can't imagine anyone finding another disgusting.......
I may be naive or a fool but I find it very hard to believe someone, who has the ability to see others with inner disgust ,would date someone with a heart for the Lord........I am quite sure he or she would not be attracted to their inner beauty either.
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 6:00:23 PM
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Prairiehiker
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I’m with Jewel here. I don’t consider people shallow if they have a preference to a certain look. I mean, if you’re not attracted to a certain look and can openly admit it, why is that shallow. It’s more shallow to say “looks doesn’t matter” because if you really search yourself, you know that there are people that you would never, ever be attracted to because of their looks, nomatter how Godly, or kind, or noble their character is.
Heigh and weight proportion has something to do with the ratio of their weight to their height. I’ve always been told I’m very well proportioned, but I am very short, and barely have any chest (ooops, too much information). It has nothing to do with having a perfect figure, or being a specific weight, or having an hourglass figure. It’s more about a balance of weight with height plus the distribution of the weight. If I gain or lose even just 10 lbs, I know that my proportion will change and will make me look a little unbalance. If I did something drastic as to get breast implants without gaining any weight or growing a few inches, I would look very unbalance as well.
No doubt the looks adds to the initial attraction, if not the main thing that attracts us to people at the start. But as I often say in this site, it’s going to attract someone, but it’s your character that will make them fall in love. So, think of it as a tool to get noticed, but don’t rely on it to hook someone.
_____________________________
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
Then sings my soul, my Saviour God to Thee
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
<<<dogsledding at the Canadian Rockies
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 6:08:57 PM
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bootsNspurs_mod
Posts: 926
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From: Wisconsin, but currently in the desert!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
quote:
Whether he's shallow or not, establishing requirements like that make him appear shallow. And most women, even thin ones will close him out.
Sigh, why do women always think it's shallow for a man to have preference? We have our preferences, too. Better to be honest about what he wants than to lead someone on and then dump her because she wasn't what he wanted.
Believe me women, you will be a lot happier in a relationship with a man who is utterly attracted to you, (and I do believe that just about every woman is super attractive to some man) then someone who is dating you but only tolerating your appearance with an inner disgust.
And yes, I have been insulted for my looks in the past, so it's not like I don't know how it feels. However, I have also been complimented for my looks, and I'd sure rather date the guys who have a positive opinion than those who don't.
Though I have a slightly hard time with things like this - it's my issue and not the guy's issue, usually. Still workin on that. Especially cuz I know what I'm attracted to in a guy and what I'm not.
_____________________________
You do well to believe in God. Satan also believes... and trembles.
James 2:19 paraphrased
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 6:20:52 PM
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Blazingson
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Since this thread was not posted in the "She Says" or "Women Only" forums, I feel safe responding.
There has been a lot of give and take on this thread regarding whether it is "shallow" or "not" for a man to specify a particular body type for the women responding to his on-line profile in dating websites.
As a man, I see nothing wrong with it. For the simple reason that I have been on the receiving end of this same attitude from women. In the past I had memberships on a few different dating sites and I noticed that many women specify that men be "physically fit" or other similar descriptions. They will also go so far as to specify the "Annual Income" a man should have before she will answer his messages. That is something I have never seen listed in a man's profile.
I'm not sensitive about my weight, (and I am heavy) but it does offend me when a woman refuses to even get to know me simply because I do not meet some arbitrary standard of physical beauty or because I do not have a high enough annual income. I'm old enough to have discovered that once you get to know what a person is like on the inside, your opinion of their physical attractiveness can quickly change for the better. I have my preferences, certainly, But I have also become able to take a long non-critical look at people and find something attractive about almost everyone.
Is it shallow for a person to be specific about a respondents physical appearance on dating websites? Perhaps, but it's not a trait exclusive to men.
_____________________________
*Eric G.*
Matthew 5:16
Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 6:40:28 PM
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bootsNspurs_mod
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quote:
I am not saying he will find everyone attractive but I can't imagine anyone finding another disgusting.......
I may be naive or a fool but I find it very hard to believe someone, who has the ability to see others with inner disgust ,would date someone with a heart for the Lord........I am quite sure he or she would not be attracted to their inner beauty either.
I don't find a person disgusting. I do, however, know of a few people that I would be digusted or repulsed by the thought of consecrating marriage vows with them. That is obviously something that's going to be important. Whether they have a good heart or not is a completely separate issue. But I will not date someone that it makes me want to gag to think about our wedding night.
I don't find anything wrong with absolutely not being attracted to someone, or finding the thought of a wedding night with them disgusting. I also don't think it makes one shallow, either.
_____________________________
You do well to believe in God. Satan also believes... and trembles.
James 2:19 paraphrased
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 6:40:43 PM
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losgan
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
Sigh, why do women always think it's shallow for a man to have preference?
For me personally - because I've found that while I might not be attracted to someone from the get-go ... they may become attractive based on their personality. So I think it is a little shallow not to even go on a date or two based on someone's physical appearance.
AND - because my experience is guys who say anything, tend to be very picky. Making a statement like "height weight proportional" usually means "I want a magazine ideal of perfection."
Edited to add ... If a guy were to go on a date with a woman who didn't meet this standard, but who was otherwise attractive. What's the worst that could happen? He wants a second date? They become friends?
I will say that I can understand not being attracted to someone who isn't even trying to take care of themselves ... but the "height weight proportional" just seem like a "PC" (politically correct) way to not sound like you're being a jerk.
< Message edited by losgan -- 8/20/2008 6:48:10 PM >
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 6:51:39 PM
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bootsNspurs_mod
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quote:
Edited to add ... If a guy were to go on a date with a woman who didn't meet this standard, but who was otherwise attractive. What's the worst that could happen? He wants a second date? They become friends?
I'd rather him not lead me on to start with.
_____________________________
You do well to believe in God. Satan also believes... and trembles.
James 2:19 paraphrased
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 7:43:03 PM
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BugLady
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Blazingson
Is it shallow for a person to be specific about a respondents physical appearance on dating websites? Perhaps, but it's not a trait exclusive to men.
Thanks for your response, Blazingson. This exactly why I didn't put it in women's only. I'm sure you are right that it's not exclusive to men. Drawing the comparison of women identifying an annual income requirement is a valid point.
Life was less complicated before the internet, if you ask me. I miss meeting people in person first. *sigh*
_____________________________
Importing foreign convicts; separate prosecution and penalty for each person imported.
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 9:50:44 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
quote:
Whether he's shallow or not, establishing requirements like that make him appear shallow. And most women, even thin ones will close him out.
Sigh, why do women always think it's shallow for a man to have preference? We have our preferences, too. Better to be honest about what he wants than to lead someone on and then dump her because she wasn't what he wanted.
Believe me women, you will be a lot happier in a relationship with a man who is utterly attracted to you, (and I do believe that just about every woman is super attractive to some man) then someone who is dating you but only tolerating your appearance with an inner disgust.
And yes, I have been insulted for my looks in the past, so it's not like I don't know how it feels. However, I have also been complimented for my looks, and I'd sure rather date the guys who have a positive opinion than those who don't.
Great Post OOHJ! Exactly right.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 9:58:56 PM
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John_O
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(Some of you may have noticed I'm feeling cantakerous lately)
quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
It almost seems some men, maybe some women as well, put physical preferences so high to guard against the chance of falling in love with someone who doesn't meet that requirement............
It's not to guard against that possibility. It's recognizing that there is no possibility. Why waste time with someone you will never love? If she doesn't look right to me I will always be looking for someone who does. Why subject any woman to that? Better to not date her at all.
quote:
Or would I??? Is it possible if I allow myself to place a higher priority on the heart I might just fall in love with a man who, though not attractive to others, becomes Hot to me...... 
But she won't. Ever.
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I'd sure rather date the guys who have a positive opinion than those who don't.
Recently I have been mentored by an amazing woman of God..........He husband passed away a few years ago and I never met him but I love hearing their stories.........
Once she asked him, having gained quite a bit of weight and no longer feeling attractive, if he thought she was beautiful.........
His reply........You are beautiful to me and that is all that matters..............
At first I thought.........what in the world does that answer mean.........that she is not beautiful to everyone..........but it is ok because she is still beautiful to him?
I thought how I would hate to be told I am not longer beautiful to others............but then I thought about it.........and realize what a beautiful thing for him to say........
Even if to the rest of the world did not see her beauty he did.........He knew what she looked like to everyone else but still chose to see her beauty.......to me that is love...........it is beautiful.......
THis is an excellent point (and which I had better address before some one throws the tired old "What if she gains weight after your married" line at me).
When I met M she weighed 125 and looked good (just slightly too thin for her body type). When we got married she weighed 145 (and looked downright hot!). She topped out at what I'd consider way obese.
However, in my mind I always saw her at 145. She was always beautiful to me because she started beautiful to me. Sure she could have stood to lose a few pounds but she was always beautiful. And when she did lose some weight it just increased her beauty even more.
It seems (that for me at least) I "imprint" the first impression.
Why would I want to marry a woman who gave me a first impression that she wasn't beautiful to me?
Is this shallow? Could be. But I have a list of tens (easily assembled) or hundreds (take a few days to tabulate) of people who will tell you that I was the best husband any woman could hope for and that I treated M like a queen for her entire life. I don't think she minded a little shallowness at the start.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 10:09:12 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BugLady
Hey, I completely get that men (and women) have preferences. I don't think preferences in and of themself make one shallow. Not at all. I just think it's tactless to verbalize a preference in a profile. How many men would respond to a woman stating , tall, broad shoulders, no beer guts or something like that?
The ones who met it. In other words her profile would hav edone exactly what it is supposed to do, weed out those she wouldn't be interested in.
quote:
It puts the focus on wants, and it becomes more like shopping than interacting with a fellow human being. But maybe online dating is like shopping. I dunno.
Much as most people don't want to admit it, dating, whether IRL or online, is a lot like shopping. You go out and see something you like and investigate it. If it looks good (all around that is) then you buy it. How many guys approach women they see who are not attractive to them? (I'd guess very very few). Likewise how many women will say yes to a guy who is not attractive to them? (Again I'd guess very few)
quote:
It just seems like people state things online that would otherwise be considered rude, tactless and insensitive if said in person. I guess that's my point.
Here's the problem. In real life I'd never say to someone "Sorry I don't date people who are overweight" because I'd be talking directly to one person. It would be an insult.
On line however I'm talking to tens or hundreds ot thousands of people and I don't have time to check out each one before considering whether I'd talk to them or not.
On the one site I am on I do not approach, or reply to, anyone who doesn't have a picture posted. It would be awful to strike up a conversation and then find she looks like barack obama or something
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 10:14:54 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
I personally have fetish for men with jet black and hair and olive skin. I don't care if they are tall or short, have a extra weight or not, have skin problems or not, what their teeth look like, or what shape their nose is, but I DO melt for black hair and olive skin. I don't think that makes me shallow, it's just a preference, and guys just have their preferences, too.
But the question is, will you refuse to date someone who does not adhere to those standards? The answer is the difference between preference and shallowness.
No the answer is the difference between preference and preference. I will not date someone who is unattractive to me. Why date someone you have to lie to is they ask "Do you think I'm beautiful?"
It always ends up back at the blind date description "She's a got a great personality"
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Ladies your interpretation, please. - 8/20/2008 10:21:45 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8029
Joined: 9/5/2006
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ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
I would never encourage anyone to marry someone they did not find beautiful..........I do not think it is shallow to for anyone to want to marry someone who is beautiful to them........my thoughts are only that it is shallow to see beauty only based on your first physical impression...........or in the case of the online men before they have even seen the person or gotten to know them they have decided they will not see them as beautiful if they do not meet certain physical requirements.........to me that is shallow
You just contradicted yourself. If you'll not encourage us to marry someone who is not beautiful tio us why would you encourage us to date someone who is not beautiful to us? Her looks aren't going to change that much between the intro and the second date. (If she doesn't make the cut after the second date there's not going to be a third date anyway)
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I'm attracted to men with thick dark hair, bright green eyes, tanned muscles, and brains to rival Albert Einstein. Does that mean I turn down every guy that doesn't fit that criteria?
I'd expect you to. Why date someone you're not looking for? (Within reason of course, you may find someone close who you consider beautiful even if they don't have the exact features you are looking for)
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You never know if you will be attracted to someone until you get to know them.
You never know if you will be attracted to them emotionally, intellectually and spiritually until you get to know them. Physical is pretty easy to figure out on the first glance/meeting
(BTW. Height weight proportional to me has always meant "In good physical shape, not too heavy for their height")
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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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