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Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/8/2008 2:14:59 AM
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LuuCee
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What are your thoughts about a husband and wife who do not attend the same church? I'm the wife, and am considering going somewhere else. We have 3 school age children.
Thanks
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/8/2008 2:39:26 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3576
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From: a mother who let me live
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Odd that you should ask this tonight. Just to give you our background, I go to a different place of worship than the one where my husband is in leadership. I asked him tonight if he minds. He said he does not. I asked him if he was sure, and he said he was. My going to a different place occurred after I got kicked out of the organization where I had been a member for over 50 years. I begged him not to leave because of me then started attending where I am now. He left 1.5 years later and could not attend where I do because of a work conflict. I was already settled there and did not wish to leave.
But the thing is that our children were all grown, married, and had families of their own, by the time I was kicked out. One of the main reasons I stayed where we attended was so that I would not tear the family apart while they were vulnerable.
Today, I went out to lunch with my son and daughter-in-law, and seeing her there with my son and their children, I was grateful I stayed on, until he married her and my daughter married her husband, but at the same time, I regret having reared my precious children in that church. Fortunately, they have all left it.
LuuCee, what you are considering undertaking is not something to be taken lightly, as I am sure you know. Have you discussed this with your husband? Why do you feel the need to leave? Where will the children go? Have you chosen a church already? What is making you think of taking this step?
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/8/2008 3:06:18 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
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Oh, LuuCee. You are in such a difficult position. Is your husband a member there, then? What has made you feel so strongly? Can you name things?
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/8/2008 6:34:07 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 1630
Joined: 3/24/2008
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I'm going to say this is not a good idea. I've struggled for at least a year or so with really wanting to leave our church. The church has struggled, it's been very frustrating and disappointing at about every turn. Dh is in leadership; I, frankly, backed off a long time ago. I've prayed and prayed that the Lord would lead dh and guide him to what's best for our family. And here we stay. I've got mixed feelings about where we are, to say the least. My kids go to a Christian school at another church and that's kinda what gets me through - I'm more involved and invested there than at our church, I think. But that's not where I'd want to go on Sundays either, it's a little too conservative and traditional for me. But dh and I are going to be taking a 13-week Bible study there starting this week. Our church just doesn't have much to offer and all the work seems like drudgery to me. But, I know it has to be his decision and I'd never consider doing Sunday mornings separate from him. I have two kids and think that would be just problmatic and not good at all for them to see us not on the same page. I don't think this is wise on any level. You need to pray about it (patiently).
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/8/2008 9:42:38 AM
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Szaftoo
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From: So. Calif.
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Just my opinion, I think attending the same church and worshiping as a family is healthy and sends a strong message to little kids. It shows them mom and dad believe in the same things and are on the same page. If parents split up, I believe kids will wonder why and question which church is better. And what about their loyalties, do they go with mom or do they go with dad.
I also love coming home after church and being able to talk to my husband about the pastor's teaching. It extends the teaching throughout the entire week.
Pray and seek the Lord's will.
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/8/2008 9:53:17 AM
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Kerryannism
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Ultimately, like everything else, it is best that it is done by the entire family together, However, like the examples about, sometimes it is not possible. The most important part is that all the individuals get what they need. If that means going to seperate places of worship, then that is ok.
< Message edited by Kerryannism -- 9/9/2008 11:31:17 PM >
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/8/2008 11:29:54 AM
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Child4Jesus
Posts: 458
Joined: 5/24/2005
From: Long Island, Nassau, Elmont, NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LuuCee
What are your thoughts about a husband and wife who do not attend the same church? I'm the wife, and am considering going somewhere else. We have 3 school age children.
Thanks
I think you should go to the same one as your husband.
_____________________________
In Christ,
Richad
The greatest heresy to American Christianity is that if you ask Jesus to come into your heart, he definitely will.
Paul Washer
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/8/2008 12:51:32 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 1630
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kerryannism
The most important part is that all the individuals get what they need. If that means going to seperate places of worship, then that is ok.
Is that the most important part?? Is church about what we can get out of it? I've struggle with that and just cannot justify doing my own thing, undermining my dh's role as priest of the home, and confusing my children, and taking away from something we share as a family. Dh and I go to two different gyms, we have our own likes and dislikes but I think this is a very different situation.
Someone mentioned above the issue of confusing the children. When they grow up, I can only imagine, why would they then think anything at all of dating and marrying an unbeliever - so he doesn't go to church with her, Dad didn't either. Sure, he was going somewhere else but how (in the mind of a child grown into an adult "in love") is that really any different? Either he's there or not, why should it matter? Just one example of the ramifications I see.
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/8/2008 3:50:33 PM
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karlie
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I personally feel like it's very important that a Christian family attend church together and worship together. That forms an incredibly strong bond within a family, at least in my experience. I think it's vitally important that kids see their parents united in this area and see them attending church together. It also gives kids a chance to see both parents actively involved in ministry and worship, which I think is extremely important to their spiritual growth. I think back to my girls' church experience, and I know it wouldn't have been as rich for them had it not been with both Mom and Dad, and it may have even caused some confusion and questions.
Aside from the affect on kids is how it bonds a couple when they worship and hear God's word together. It's an experience that I believe is important to share on a regular basis.
I think attending separate churches can work if you're determined for it to, and I don't think it spells disaster for a marriage. But I think what may be gained by going to a different church may not be worth what would be given up.
_____________________________
All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided...great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/8/2008 4:26:47 PM
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SuccessinTruth
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LuuCee,
This question is impossible to answer without knowing the type of church that you attend and the reason that you want to go to another church. Worshipping with your husband is important. Is your church a Bible teaching church, or is it teaching error. Is it just a feel good church that neglects the Word of God? Is it just the congregation you don't want to be around any longer? Do you no longer feel that it's a Spirit filled church? Is it a church a place to worship or merely a social occasion to attend? Why does your husband want to stay? Have the two of you prayed about it? Your husband is called upon to be the spiritual head of the family. If you are going your own way in this, are you separating in other ways as well?
This culture doesn't make it easy to cleave to your spouse, especially after your children have grown. It may be the time to make a special effort to draw closer to him, through Him. God bless you and lead you truly.
_____________________________
May we Glorify the Lord in all that we say and do
SuccessinTruth
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/8/2008 6:56:27 PM
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manda59
Posts: 5999
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SuccessinTruth
Why does your husband want to stay?
I was wondering this too.
If I felt we should leave our current church, my dh would come with me, and vice versa. There would be no talk of us each doing our different thing. We'd lay it before God, and go together to wherever we felt God wanted us (both) to be.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/8/2008 8:36:53 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
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It is so difficult to know what thoughts and what actions our smallest of decisions will have on our young children. While I understand a little of what you are going through, having been there myself, you know the choice I made. I have no clue what difference another choice would have made.
I have been praying for you, LuuCee, that you will have divine guidance, that you will protect the children's hearts before your own. You and your husband are adults, and the choice is yours to make together, but the children must be the most important right now.
Is the teaching at that church inept, wrong, what?
Are you dissatisfied with leadership?
Has someone there caused pain?
Is there immorality there?
There are some things that are no-brainers; other things are just something we must learn to handle. And you and I both know that there is no perfect congregation or perfect leadership.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/8/2008 10:00:25 PM
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LuuCee
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Thank you to everyone. You all have given me some things to think and continue praying about. It is a Bible teaching, Spirit filled church that my dh absolutely loves. For now, I will continue to stand still and pray.
You all are the best, my brothers/sisters in the Lord, thank you again so much.
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/8/2008 10:04:48 PM
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manda59
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LuuCee
It is your choice, of course, but it would honestly make it easier for us to advise you if you were able to give us a bit more information (hence our questions).
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/8/2008 10:16:03 PM
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ladioffaith
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There are several wives in my church who attend without their spouses. Some go to different churches, a few do not go to church at alll and are the subject of prayer.
I talked to one of the wives ... she said her husband (who used to go with her) has a really hard time with the charismatic thing. He feels more comfortable at a more traditional church.
In fact, that is what most of the members who attend without their spouses say.
As long as it is not an area of conflict within the marriage, I don't see it as a huge problem ... but then again .... be sure to find out!
_____________________________
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with
his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/8/2008 10:36:59 PM
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manda59
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ladioffaith
There are several wives in my church who attend without their spouses. Some go to different churches, a few do not go to church at alll and are the subject of prayer.
I talked to one of the wives ... she said her husband (who used to go with her) has a really hard time with the charismatic thing. He feels more comfortable at a more traditional church.
You see, I just so don't get that, can't relate to it.
If my preferred style of worship was so different to my husband's, and I couldn't live without it, then we'd go together in the morning, and I could go to my choice of church in the evening or midweek, ie I'd have my choice as an add-on not as an either or. ESPECIALLY if there were children involved. I cannot see how children could be anything but bewildered if mum and dad were going to different churches, and they were being put in the position of having to choose who to go with, instead of it being a family thing.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/9/2008 6:18:12 AM
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buckifn
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I believe the husband is to be the spiritual leader of your home. Pray and ask God to guide him into what is best for your families spiritual life and support your husbands final decision.
I do not think we would be a strong spiritual family unit if we were divided on Sunday morn. Worship and prayer time creates a STRONG bond in a way nothing else does in our marriage.
I know I can't explain it, but there is something about holding my wife's in prayer that connects me to her in a way nothing else does...and it isn't only her, but others in our church family. When we hold hands and agree in prayer on things I believe a force is released that does not happen when one prays alone.
What else is going on in your spiritual life? What other places are you seeking refreshment for your soul? It has to be more than a once a week exp. on Sunday.
Church cannot fulfill all your spiritual needs. Maybe your dissatisfaction is a way God is calling you into a deeper level of committed time with Him?
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/9/2008 2:16:10 PM
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doinkdom
Posts: 4259
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From: The higher lowcountry
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My husband and I go to the same church - that is our conviction. We just find that spiritual unity is extremely important to us.
For some couples, attending separate churches might be okay and work out just fine.
I don't know any of them personally...well, not IRL anyways.
_____________________________
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/10/2008 3:04:28 AM
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DreadPirateRandy
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kerryannism
The most important part is that all the individuals get what they need. If that means going to seperate places of worship, then that is ok.
What about Ephesians 5:24? Doesn't he, as the spiritual leader, have a voice in this also? I think communication would better than deciding for yourself what's best for you and not for you both as a unit. Having a conversation about these subjects easily solves things quicker than taking actions without communication.
I don't think going separate ways is healthy. Marriage isn't about separation in any aspect of it. You're supposed to do things together, cohesively as a whole, in harmony.
I certainly wouldn't tolerate my wife going to another church without my attendance by her side. As the spiritual leader, it's my responsibility to discern whether or not the teaching is biblical and according to the Word. If it isn't, I would be searching for another church with my wife.
Not to mention, going to a separate church without your spouse looks terrible on your martial image. It's not the kind of example that I would want to display.
_____________________________
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, are of imagination all compact.
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/10/2008 5:10:08 AM
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manda59
Posts: 5999
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kerryannism
The most important part is that all the individuals get what they need.
I thought church was about giving, not getting.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/10/2008 10:17:29 AM
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doinkdom
Posts: 4259
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From: The higher lowcountry
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: Kerryannism
The most important part is that all the individuals get what they need.
I thought church was about giving, not getting.
and manda nails it again...the crowd goes wild!
_____________________________
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/10/2008 10:33:00 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3576
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From: a mother who let me live
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While I am not advocating going to separate places of worship, I do, and I understand.
Many are concerned over LuuCee being in opposition with her husband. Here's what she wrote:
quote:
ORIGINAL: LuuCee
My husband said that he would support my decision.
This is where my husband and I are. This is not opposition to my husband, and if LuuCee's husband said he would support her decision, then she is not in opposition to hers.
quote:
ORIGINAL: LuuCee
For over 2 years I have had strong feelings to leave.
For yourself, or for yourself and the children, LuuCee? You wrote:
quote:
ORIGINAL: LuuCee
There are some ways that I do want my children to think Christians should behave (ex. self-righteous). Not every one is like that but children can be so impressionable. I teach my children at home that all people are God's creation who He loves, no matter what they wear, or how they look.
This is a serious consideration. If you believe the children are being damaged, well that puts a whole different spin on this.
You further wrote:
quote:
ORIGINAL: LuuCee
It is a Bible teaching, Spirit filled church that my dh absolutely loves. When people write statements like this, they usually intend that it is either charismatic or pentecostal. Is this what you intend? Do you wish to leave because of this, or do you wish to find another church that believes/teaches the same things?
There are many things I wish I could write, but I am a little hesitant.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/10/2008 2:09:43 PM
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manda59
Posts: 5999
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Covaan_Meshuga
quote:
ORIGINAL: LuuCee
There are some ways that I do want my children to think Christians should behave (ex. self-righteous). Not every one is like that but children can be so impressionable. I teach my children at home that all people are God's creation who He loves, no matter what they wear, or how they look.
This is a serious consideration. If you believe the children are being damaged, well that puts a whole different spin on this.
And if she feels they are, surely the husband would be concerned too, and want to make this a family move, not just a move for her/her and the children?
Personally, it bothers me that her husband says he would support her decision. IMO it makes no sense to support a decision to split the family up on a Sunday (and other nights?).
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 9/10/2008 3:12:20 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3576
Joined: 6/8/2005
From: a mother who let me live
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A bunch of maybes and what ifs:
LuuCee has certainly not written that the church they attend is a cult or even that it has cult-like tendencies. However, IF that is the case, the husband may not be able to go. He may actually see that there is a problem but the church benefits him in some way he is not willing to give up. He also may not be able to go because of family or social ties. And it may even be that he has given up and is really just saying, "Do what you want; you will anyway."
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Husband and Wife not going to same church - 
