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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 9/30/2008 12:50:48 PM
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Prairiehiker
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From: The little house in the prairie
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Very good post, RGod. Thank you.
_____________________________
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power through out the universe displayed
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 9/30/2008 12:54:39 PM
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rgod
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Very good post, RGod. Thank you.
Your welcome PrairieHiker - I really enjoyed your post too! It made me think about Jeremiah 29:11 in a different way ...
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 9/30/2008 7:39:15 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8030
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Hey Lisa!!
Can we get stars on Post 25?
Rgod. Perhaps one of my favorite sayings. God Will Provide.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 9/30/2008 7:50:30 PM
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Prairiehiker
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From: The little house in the prairie
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I was going to say the same thing about Rgod's thread but I was at work and well...I had to do some work, lol. I'm not a multi tasker.
Yeah, Rgod, that post really spoke volumes to me about your faith and trust in God....and I was very blessed by what you said.
_____________________________
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power through out the universe displayed
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 9/30/2008 8:09:37 PM
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ShallbeRebuilt
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quote:
I think for me - to ward off long-lasting depression over this possibility - I had to start looking at things this way. We know that God can do what seems impossible to us - He did it for Sarah, for Abraham, for Elizabeth, for Moses, for Hannah, and for countless others and He can do it for you (and me too!). So, I had to come to the conclusion that I'd rather spend 80 years trusting that God will answer His promise that He made to me and grant me a husband, but be disappointed for 1 day while I'm lying on my death bed - than to spend all of that time being discouraged, sad and lacking in faith. That is what helps me when I feel sad about this (like today!).
THAT IS AMAZING!!!
I love this thought, rgod, and I'm going to cling to it.
Over the last few days I have been thinking carefully through this thing of my daughter's engagement and approaching wedding. There are a LOT of things that could hurt about it. I could easily get into a real good funk about it.
BUT...not only do I not want to be sad, I don't want to ruin her happiness, either. And I want to be a witness to others that God is trustworthy.
So I am making up my mind to be happy about it. That's gonna take some work in some areas: I will simply have to refuse to think about it, except to pray--then get off the subject. There are happy places, and I will concentrate on them--force myself when necessary. This is a discipline that God is putting me through, so I'm going to make the most of it.
I could spend these last few months of our time together whining inside and crying about all the sad stuff. Or I can make the most of our time, enjoy it, be glad we are so blessed: and keep hoping that it will someday be me.
shallbe
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 9/30/2008 11:02:09 PM
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usa777
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rgod
I think for me - to ward off long-lasting depression over this possibility - I had to start looking at things this way. We know that God can do what seems impossible to us - He did it for Sarah, for Abraham, for Elizabeth, for Moses, for Hannah, and for countless others and He can do it for you (and me too!). So, I had to come to the conclusion that I'd rather spend 80 years trusting that God will answer His promise that He made to me and grant me a husband, but be disappointed for 1 day while I'm lying on my death bed - than to spend all of that time being discouraged, sad and lacking in faith. That is what helps me when I feel sad about this (like today!).
Thanks for this post... lots of good insights. My question about having this attitude, though, is that the disappointment isn't for one day on my death bed - it's every single time I start trying to get to know a man and realize he's not the one, either. It's every failed relationship. Since I'm sick and tired of that kind of hurt, it gets to the point where I'd rather not hope because then I'm not disappointed.
I wonder sometimes how much of our Christian experience has to do with our past life experiences. I think I have lots of trouble trusting God because of things that have happened to me. I've heard people say, "Every child needs a mother", for example. Well, evidently I didn't because my mother took her own life when I was 5 and my dad didn't get remarried. No one took me under her wing - no relative, no neighbor, no one. So it's hard for me to believe that God will eventually work things out - maybe not, since he let one unthinkable thing happen to me. I've been seeing that one of the main themes of my life is: I'm on my own, I can depend on no one, and it could get real tough. Gosh, I wish I had a better outlook, but I really don't!
What about the Christians who are slaughtered throughout the world? I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I don't trust God for a happy ending, because that doesn't always happen. I have no trouble believing that He made me a person who loves emotional intimacy, but at the same time keeps me from it. Then I feel guilty for thinking these nasty things about God!
I hope this is just a midlife crisis that'll be over soon, cuz it's like a nightmare!
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/1/2008 12:31:19 AM
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rgod
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quote:
ORIGINAL: usa777
quote:
ORIGINAL: rgod
I think for me - to ward off long-lasting depression over this possibility - I had to start looking at things this way. We know that God can do what seems impossible to us - He did it for Sarah, for Abraham, for Elizabeth, for Moses, for Hannah, and for countless others and He can do it for you (and me too!). So, I had to come to the conclusion that I'd rather spend 80 years trusting that God will answer His promise that He made to me and grant me a husband, but be disappointed for 1 day while I'm lying on my death bed - than to spend all of that time being discouraged, sad and lacking in faith. That is what helps me when I feel sad about this (like today!).
Thanks for this post... lots of good insights. My question about having this attitude, though, is that the disappointment isn't for one day on my death bed - it's every single time I start trying to get to know a man and realize he's not the one, either. It's every failed relationship. Since I'm sick and tired of that kind of hurt, it gets to the point where I'd rather not hope because then I'm not disappointed.
I wonder sometimes how much of our Christian experience has to do with our past life experiences. I think I have lots of trouble trusting God because of things that have happened to me. I've heard people say, "Every child needs a mother", for example. Well, evidently I didn't because my mother took her own life when I was 5 and my dad didn't get remarried. No one took me under her wing - no relative, no neighbor, no one. So it's hard for me to believe that God will eventually work things out - maybe not, since he let one unthinkable thing happen to me. I've been seeing that one of the main themes of my life is: I'm on my own, I can depend on no one, and it could get real tough. Gosh, I wish I had a better outlook, but I really don't!
What about the Christians who are slaughtered throughout the world? I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I don't trust God for a happy ending, because that doesn't always happen. I have no trouble believing that He made me a person who loves emotional intimacy, but at the same time keeps me from it. Then I feel guilty for thinking these nasty things about God!
I hope this is just a midlife crisis that'll be over soon, cuz it's like a nightmare!
usa777 - I can relate to this somewhat. I definitely know what it is to rather not hope or to rather not have faith than to get your hopes up over and over again. I know exactly what it is like to be disappointed with God. I do not know what it is to have lost a mother, but there were some things that happened to me as a kid that made me lose some parts of myself at a very early age - so early that I don't really know what it is like to have those parts of myself until God restores them. I didn't have a horrific childhood or anything like that - but I know what it is like to feel like God somehow wants to hurt you or that he doesn't care at all about your pain. I've never been one for pollyanna type religion because I see all too clearly the hurt and the pain in the world. Not every Christian is wealthy, drives the latest car, has the latest clothes, is healed (on this side), or has a trouble-free life. Yes, Christians throughout the ages have been persecuted, slain, and everything else.
For me, I had to get to this point step by step. I had to get to the point where I could say - though he slay me yet will I trust him (like Job). And to be honest with you - I can be there today, and maybe in a few months I'll go through a severe testing in this area and fall right back down the hole again. But I've seen this place - and having seen it, I can't just forget that I've seen it - you know? So, there is something a bit different in me now; when I made the decision to trust him no matter what I saw, it was like - something broke inside of me. I think that the Lord has probably done the same for you. I do think a lot of our Christian life is colored by our past experiences. I saw God as manipulative and cold for a long time. Well, I grew up with someone who was like that. But God healed me of it - and I know that He can heal you of your hurts too.
I would say to you, don't be so hard on yourself. Don't feel like you've always got to put on the Christian mask. Instead, cut yourself some slack. Just tell God you are frustrated (which I'm sure you have) - that you are tired of being disappointed. Let Him show you how He wants you to deal with this. I shared what He did with me - but maybe for you it will be a different way. God is so individual with us. Instead, focus day by day. Ask God to help you through this. I know that at times He is the last person that you really want to ask. There have been times in my relationship with Him that I almost felt like bickering spouses - I just didn't want to risk trusting Him again. But, eventually I had to. I wouldn't be able to grow if I hadn't. Something that helps to build my faith is to recount the times in the past when I've seen him come through. Sometimes when I put all of that against the prayers that have not been answered, it is amazing - because the unanswered requests is such a small amount.
I think learning to accept, live with, and move past things like this - while maintaining faith is difficult; but it can be done with the Lord inside of you helping you every step of the way.
I'm glad that you posted here - it made me think about exactly how I've been dealing with things like this. I pray that the Lord will help you as you go through this tough time and come out of the other end!
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/1/2008 12:37:28 AM
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rgod
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PH, John_O and Shallbe - thanks for the encouragement! We truly serve a good God. I know that we can all relate to this thread - I'm so glad that usa777 started it.
John_O - I like that simple but profound statement - "God Will Provide" - that speaks volumes - he provides physically, emotionally, spiritually. Good thought.
PH - the Holy Spirit is amazing - He talks to us sometimes similarly - sometimes in totally different ways. It is always cool to hear him echoed through a sister in Christ.
Shallbe - again I think it is wonderful to hear about the marriage - although I know it will be a time of great change and transition for you. I too pray that your mate will appear soon! I pray that for all of us!
rgod
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/1/2008 5:08:59 PM
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usa777
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Thank you again, rgod, for a thoughtful post. And thanks to everyone else who responded. Everyone has a different thought; a different angle to share.
I'm like you, rgod, in the sense that I can be OK one day then really struggle again the next day. I'm reminded of John chapter 6 when many of Jesus' disciples turned back and no longer followed him (John 6:66). Jesus asked the twelve if they, too, wanted to go away. Peter answered by saying - To whom will we go? You have the words of eternal life!
I think we get tempted to turn away from God at times, especially when things that we hate happen and we can't explain why. But there is really nowhere else to go, as no one else has the Truth.
What bothers me about my struggle is that I've noticed a spirit of ungratefulness. Just the other day my friend was telling me how God has blessed me - my health, although I have a chronic illness, is improved (but I'm angry that I have the illness), I've somehow been able to buy a car and a house on my limited, part-time income and small investments, I have a great part-time job with benefits and I like my coworkers/supervisor/manager, etc. But all I can think about sometimes is - what good is all this when there is no one to share it with? I think of that all the time in relation to my house, which is in the country on 3 acres. It's beautiful out here, yet I would give it up in a moment to live in a trailer and be able to experience a deep bond with a Christian husband!
I hate it when I get tempted to look for a non-Christian man because of how Christian men have treated me. That's just what Satan wants.
Is all of this selfish, or what? It gets pretty ugly - I've practically yelled at God sometimes. I wasn't always like this. Don't know what's gotten into me - I think it's a root of bitterness trying to grow up as I realize my marriage prospects have dwindled, women my age are not exactly in demand, I'll never have children, etc. I won't even get started on how angry and frustrated I get with Christian men.
I'm sure glad God is patient with us! 
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/1/2008 11:02:45 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2586
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From: The little house in the prairie
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quote:
What about the Christians who are slaughtered throughout the world? I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I don't trust God for a happy ending, because that doesn't always happen. I have no trouble believing that He made me a person who loves emotional intimacy, but at the same time keeps me from it. Then I feel guilty for thinking these nasty things about God!
I've asked those questions too. Seen pictures of starving children in Africa, watched all the Rwanda movie and every time, I had to wrestle with my questions about God..if he's really there, if he really cares, if he's even involved. They are as much question of the heart as they are question for the mind. Any theologians can answer those. But would we be able to accept the answer? I know I had to come to a place where I feel comfortable wrestling with God. Questioning God. At the end of all the questions, you'll either come out bitter and not trusting God, or you'll just let God be God and bow your knees before him. I still question and still wrestle, but not in very defiant way, with my fingers pointing at HIm blaming him for how my life turned out...the way I used to do. I'd like it if I didn't question God anymore, and I just followed, but I know God has a lot of building left done in me to bring me to that place...and I hope he doesn't take the most precious thing my life to bring me to that place. At this point, I don't know if I'd have any faith to believe.
By the way, there's this book that I just read. It sat in my library for 10 years and I never picked it up or even opened it. I just bought it because it was on sale. It's called Disappointment with God by Phillip Yancey. 10 years ago, I probably would not have appreciated the book, but I finally read it 4 months ago, and I still occasionally flip through it, and I would highly recommend it to people who had been "disappointed" by God.
_____________________________
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power through out the universe displayed
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/1/2008 11:14:56 PM
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rgod
Posts: 1539
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
By the way, there's this book that I just read. It sat in my library for 10 years and I never picked it up or even opened it. I just bought it because it was on sale. It's called Disappointment with God by Phillip Yancey. 10 years ago, I probably would not have appreciated the book, but I finally read it 4 months ago, and I still occasionally flip through it, and I would highly recommend it to people who had been "disappointed" by God.
I recommend this book too. I read when I was feeling a bit like you are feeling now usa777. I liked it because it didn't make me feel bad about being angry with God, questioning him - like people did. And I was at the point where I was so angry with God that I couldn't even pray and I regretted having walked with God in the first place. I felt like I wasted so much of my life believing in God. Needless to say, I was very low.
That book really helped me through a rough time - and I think that maybe it will do the same for you too. It is the only book that I read that spoke to me right in the middle of that time. I felt understood - then I was able to start dealing with those feelings and hurt and eventually grow even deeper in faith. (Not saying that you aren't walking deeply already - just saying that for me, that was the outcome.)
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/3/2008 9:16:24 PM
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usa777
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Thank you, prariehiker & rgod,
I know of Yancey's book but have never read it. I'll take a look.
Not sure if my next question has anything to do with what we've been discussing, but perhaps it does because it takes a lot of energy to struggle with God.
Does anyone feel like they don't want to get to know anyone of the opposite sex anymore? I feel like it's just not in me. I just broke off a 2-yr friendship with someone (I wanted more) and I just don't have the energy to get to know a new person. It's like the fight in me is gone and I'm admitting defeat. If you knew me, you'd know that's out of character. I recently told Satan, "OK, I give up, you win this battle" (can't find a husband or have a family) - "But, you'll never win the war" (I still have my life and I belong to Christ). Just totally worn out at this point and still upset that I felt I had no choice but to end that friendship. Too many failed relationships. Why even try? Seems I can only reach goals that depend on me - not those which depend upon another person's cooperation and mutual attraction. 
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/3/2008 11:03:11 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8030
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quote:
ORIGINAL: usa777
Thank you, prariehiker & rgod,
I know of Yancey's book but have never read it. I'll take a look.
Not sure if my next question has anything to do with what we've been discussing, but perhaps it does because it takes a lot of energy to struggle with God.
Does anyone feel like they don't want to get to know anyone of the opposite sex anymore? I feel like it's just not in me. I just broke off a 2-yr friendship with someone (I wanted more) and I just don't have the energy to get to know a new person. It's like the fight in me is gone and I'm admitting defeat. If you knew me, you'd know that's out of character. I recently told Satan, "OK, I give up, you win this battle" (can't find a husband or have a family) - "But, you'll never win the war" (I still have my life and I belong to Christ). Just totally worn out at this point and still upset that I felt I had no choice but to end that friendship. Too many failed relationships. Why even try? Seems I can only reach goals that depend on me - not those which depend upon another person's cooperation and mutual attraction.
This one I can answer. You are feeling exactly the same as most people who have lost a loved one. "Why even try anymore if it all ends like this"
Just because the relationship died (in whatever fashion) doesn't mean you have to die too. You're just in the midst of winter.
Grieve the relationship, let yourself cry over it good and long until you can't cry anymore. Take time to heal. And then you'll find, little by little, that spring creeps back into your life giving you the desire to start again.
We all have multiple winters in our lives, You're just going through a very cold long one. But sister, springtime is coming. God never takes us through a valley without having a mountaintop in our path.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/4/2008 10:29:32 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2586
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: The little house in the prairie
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quote:
Does anyone feel like they don't want to get to know anyone of the opposite sex anymore? I feel like it's just not in me. I just broke off a 2-yr friendship with someone (I wanted more) and I just don't have the energy to get to know a new person. It's like the fight in me is gone and I'm admitting defeat. If you knew me, you'd know that's out of character.
HI USA,
I'm in the same boat as you. I don't wnat to get to know anyone at this time. Even when I forced myself the last 3 years, my mind and my heart were just not in it. That happens when you're heart is still with someone or you're still grieving the end of a relationship. In your case (and mine as well), I think we have to grieve the end, not only of the relationship, but also of the dreams, the hopes, the possibilities. Our hearts are just not ready to open up again so soon. Give it time. Ge bentle with yourself. Listen to God and discern what He's teaching you. Iknow, I get tired of just learning and learning...I mean, when will the learning end? LOL. I don't know. All I can say you have to heal first and let God heal you. Eventually, you'll feel more at peace (I'm not there yet, but i see glimpses of it). And you'll start to hope again.
Here's a passge for you. It includes the Romans 8:28 verse. If you read the previous verses, it talks about hope and perseverance and how the Spirit is with us, praying for us. God will make even the bad things work for good....
24 For in hope were we saved: but hope that is seen is not hope: for who hopeth for that which he seeth?
25 But if we hope for that which we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.
26 And in like manner the Spirit also helpeth our infirmity: for we know not how to pray as we ought; but the Spirit himself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered;
27 and he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
28 And we know that to them that love God all things work together for good, even to them that are called according to his purpose.
_____________________________
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power through out the universe displayed
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/4/2008 1:02:20 PM
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usa777
Posts: 49
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John_O and Prariehiker,
Thank you for those encouraging words. They brought tears to my eyes. At times like this it does seem like trying in a relationship isn't worth it because I always lose the person (through death or rejection) anyway.
Something a lot of people don't understand (but you guys do) is that you don't have to really have something in order to grieve it. For example, I grieve the loss of my dream of having children. No, I didn't lose a child, but I never had the opportunity to have one to begin with. That is a legitimate grief. I couldn't adopt in my 30's either, as I had considered, because my health (and therefore my finances) wouldn't permit it.
I'm finding that, because I had a 2-year long distance relationship (the friendship where I wanted more), others don't understand why I have to grieve that. They tell me, "Forget about him and move on", as if it's easy! They minimize the loss because, after all, I only spent one weekend face-to-face with this person. But they are not understanding how much of a bond can be formed in the literally 1,000 e-mails and about 500 phone calls we shared. That's plenty of time to develop a meaningful relationship, and to sorely miss it when it ends. I just ended it a couple of weeks ago and my friends are already tired of hearing me speak the person's name. Well, I'm not nearly over it! Especially when I don't understand why it had to turn out the way it did.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/4/2008 4:44:50 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8030
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quote:
ORIGINAL: usa777
I'm finding that, because I had a 2-year long distance relationship (the friendship where I wanted more), others don't understand why I have to grieve that. They tell me, "Forget about him and move on", as if it's easy! They minimize the loss because, after all, I only spent one weekend face-to-face with this person. But they are not understanding how much of a bond can be formed in the literally 1,000 e-mails and about 500 phone calls we shared. That's plenty of time to develop a meaningful relationship, and to sorely miss it when it ends. I just ended it a couple of weeks ago and my friends are already tired of hearing me speak the person's name. Well, I'm not nearly over it! Especially when I don't understand why it had to turn out the way it did.
Attachment (love if you will) is not a function of physical closeness. People can love each other from 100's of miles away, never having seen each other, just as deeply as if they lived next door and saw each other daily.
Grieve your loss, never mind what your friends say. If they've not been through it they won't really understand it.
God Bless You And Keep You
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/4/2008 7:18:25 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2586
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: The little house in the prairie
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quote:
just broke off a 2-yr friendship with someone (I wanted more) .
If you knew you wanted more, and he didn't, why made you keep hoping that he'd change his mind? The answer is not to admonish you, but to get you to think about how you'd deal with your future relationships. We don't have all the time in the world to wait for someone. Wisdom should teach us to number our days. Giving every one two years to make up their mind, or waiting for someone that long to change his mind is counterproductive if you're searching for a spouse. I should know. I did it too. WHile it wasn't a waste of time because i learned a lot about myself, it taught me next time around to know and discern early on when to pursue and when to walk away.
_____________________________
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power through out the universe displayed
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/4/2008 7:38:51 PM
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usa777
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/12/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
just broke off a 2-yr friendship with someone (I wanted more) .
If you knew you wanted more, and he didn't, why made you keep hoping that he'd change his mind? The answer is not to admonish you, but to get you to think about how you'd deal with your future relationships. We don't have all the time in the world to wait for someone. Wisdom should teach us to number our days. Giving every one two years to make up their mind, or waiting for someone that long to change his mind is counterproductive if you're searching for a spouse. I should know. I did it too. WHile it wasn't a waste of time because i learned a lot about myself, it taught me next time around to know and discern early on when to pursue and when to walk away.
To explain it concisely, we hit it off really great and, after my visit, he led me to believe the door was open for more. I started seeing after a few months that it was just talk, so I tried the friendship route. I still think the friendship may have worked if he hadn't kept being wishy-washy about telling me what he wanted. I felt misled, so I finally broke off even the friendship. For some reason he just wouldn't admit how he really wanted things to be. So, unfortunately, he put me through months of confusion before finally figuring it out myself. Hard to do that when you're so emotionally involved. It would be nice if men would speak clearly instead of misleading women.
I don't care about the time in the sense that this is the last straw anyway and I don't believe God has anyone for me. I haven't been asked out in years and, when I go somewhere, men don't even notice me. Men seem so distant and independent that I can't imagine finding one who would want to share his life with me. So I'm spending my time meeting female friends and adjusting to the thought of living alone indefinitely. I'll be darned if I'm gonna waste more time trying to find a husband - I've already wasted 25 yrs doing that. I see myself as just another victim of our selfish, non-committal, hyper-independent culture. Christians shouldn't buy into it, but the fact is they do.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/4/2008 7:46:55 PM
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usa777
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/12/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
quote:
ORIGINAL: usa777
I'm finding that, because I had a 2-year long distance relationship (the friendship where I wanted more), others don't understand why I have to grieve that. They tell me, "Forget about him and move on", as if it's easy! They minimize the loss because, after all, I only spent one weekend face-to-face with this person. But they are not understanding how much of a bond can be formed in the literally 1,000 e-mails and about 500 phone calls we shared. That's plenty of time to develop a meaningful relationship, and to sorely miss it when it ends. I just ended it a couple of weeks ago and my friends are already tired of hearing me speak the person's name. Well, I'm not nearly over it! Especially when I don't understand why it had to turn out the way it did.
Attachment (love if you will) is not a function of physical closeness. People can love each other from 100's of miles away, never having seen each other, just as deeply as if they lived next door and saw each other daily.
Grieve your loss, never mind what your friends say. If they've not been through it they won't really understand it.
God Bless You And Keep You
Thank you for the encouraging words, John_O. I work in a public place and this one "regular" teenage girl came in crying one day because she learned her e-mail buddy had died. My supervisor and I discussed how deep bonds can be formed even through an e-mail-only relationship.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/4/2008 7:55:54 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2586
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: The little house in the prairie
Status: offline
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USA, finding female friends is always good. We need out sisters! But don't close the door on finding someone; don't let yourself be bitter and cynical. That's the very thing that would prevent you from finding someone. Eventually, you'd fulfill your own negative prophecies then, congratulate yourself for being right. Don't go that route. Here's one the verse from my favourite song (that's not done by Metallica, lol). I can't believe I'm admitting to liking this song, but heck, it helped me through some of the most difficult moments of my life in the last 3 years. If I could sing, I'd sing it to you...but since I can't when sober, maybe John O can do kareoke for you. It's called "i hope you dance"...
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
_____________________________
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power through out the universe displayed
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/4/2008 10:11:20 PM
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usa777
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/12/2008
Status: offline
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Nice song; I think I've heard it on the radio. But there's only so much one person can take. If every time you get up and dance you hurt yourself, you'll probably sooner or later figure that dancing's not your thing 
I don't think anything will be a self-fulfilling prophecy; I think God either lets one be married or He doesn't. He works in spite of us, not because of us. If he has a husband for me but I don't know it, that doesn't mean my mindset will stop His plans. I just think He's been trying to tell me something for a long, long time and I haven't listened. When I get the same message for 25 years I figure maybe it's time to finally listen and quit wasting time with relationships that never amount to anything. About 3 - 5% of women never marry - those women are walking around somewhere!
I find that a lot of men are pretty used to their routines at this age and don't want to make major changes in their lives, anyway. While they will make an exception for someone half their age, that wouldn't include me.  When I go to singles activities for 35+ or 40+ it is 80-90% women. The men aren't looking for anyone above 35, generally. You'll find them at the singles events where the younger women are. That's why, when I see a man at a church event looking over the body of a much younger woman, I don't bother with him. I'm tired of the "must look good in a bikini" standard - not playing that game!
Oops, I got started. Before I get any offended responses, I had better make this clear: This is only what I've experienced. I'm not trying to put down all men. I do realize that some men are looking for someone in their age range.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/5/2008 8:09:38 AM
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losgan
Posts: 714
Joined: 4/8/2007
From: Austin-Garland, Texas
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: usa777
I don't care about the time in the sense that this is the last straw anyway and I don't believe God has anyone for me. I haven't been asked out in years and, when I go somewhere, men don't even notice me. Men seem so distant and independent that I can't imagine finding one who would want to share his life with me. So I'm spending my time meeting female friends and adjusting to the thought of living alone indefinitely. I'll be darned if I'm gonna waste more time trying to find a husband - I've already wasted 25 yrs doing that. I see myself as just another victim of our selfish, non-committal, hyper-independent culture. Christians shouldn't buy into it, but the fact is they do.
USA - my heart is breaking for you. But I know exactly how you feel. And I want to encourage you that this is most likely a season.
After I moved out - I swore that I was done with relationships. My ex mauled my heart (among other things) and I never wanted to trust anyone to get that close again. Worse yet - I ran from a relationship with the church (who counseled me to stay in an abusive situation) and I ran from God.
In fact - I literally ran. I decided on going to grad school - but also chose a school 2000 miles from all that I knew and the people who loved me. I don't regret it - I needed that season.
From the time my relationship with my ex husband ended (and I don't mean the day I moved out - it ended a very long time before that) until this summer - so pushing 4-5 years - I didn't feel. But when I realized I couldn't do it without God and renewed my relationship with Him ... Raphe ... Healer ... He started healing my heart.
And I realized that if I were to let Him guide me - He would give me strength for any trials I face. So I prayed that He would heal my heart, and confessed to Him the secret desire I'd been tamping down in my heart to love again.
The reason I got SO very excited this summer when I discovered that I was interested in someone is that it was such a huge step in my healing. The fact that it has moved from simply a crush to whatever is going on now (a friendship ... but obviously not just the 'one of the guys' either) is phenomenal and I count myself very blessed by my Father.
I'm scared to death that my heart will get tangled up and I'll get hurt again. But I also know that Abba loves me, and that if I keep taking this to Him ... He will show me His good and perfect will. And if that includes something painful - it will be because He needs to use that to grow me in some way. And I know He will provide the strength and healing for anything that hurts.
All that is basically to voice my two cents in saying that I will pray for God to heal your heart - and hope that you find joy in seeking Him first ... and letting Him guide your ways. And that perhaps while not seeking a husband - you will not be closed to one if that is what He has in mind for you.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/5/2008 4:38:30 PM
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gaylel1
Posts: 1258
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Southern California, the land of Fruit and nuts...
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: usa777
Wow, people have a lot to say about this!
What about the possibility that God has been trying to tell me something the past 25 years? Like, He does not want me married? Maybe that's why it never works out.
I feel like I've wasted a ton of time on opposite-sex relationships, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing this. Seems like no matter what I do, nothing happens. Finding a mate is a complete mystery at this point - I have absolutely no idea how other people do it. Must be a miracle that 2 people would fall in love with each other to the point of wanting to give their lives to each other, because I certainly can't explain how it happens. Most people somehow meet "the one", yet it has eluded me.
A related question I have is how come anyone I think I could build a marriage with likes me only as a friend, and vice-versa? I can never be on the same page with a man.
Hate to say this because I don't really believe in luck, but things make so little sense to me that I think those who find someone do it by happenstance. We all know people who don't even treat their spouses right, or are downright mean people, and they somehow manage to get married. Yet I have had a very good radar for finding nice Christian guys from stable homes - and still can't get anywhere.
I believe part of the problem that we do this all "ourselves" instead of letting God lead and guide people to the right mate. I learned a long time ago that us Christian females tend to find Mr. Right, but we find our Mr. Wrong and that results in bad marriages even in divorce, which the christian community is leading these days.
Then again, we females should not be going around looking--the man should be looking for "us". I know there are a lot of people around here think I'm crazy, but its true.
And just because a person who came from a "stable home" does not equal the perfect marriage partner. These people from "stable homes" also has issues too.
_____________________________
Hear "The Truth" with the "other"l Jeff Johnson(http://www.calvarydowney.org)
Visit me at http:www.gayleplace.blogspot.com or http://www.myspace.com/gaylel121
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