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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/6/2008 9:03:08 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2586
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: The little house in the prairie
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Marriage is hard enough even between two people who are hopelessly in love with each other. Can you imagine what marriage would be like between two people who consider each other just "good enough"?
Nah, I'm one of those who'll wait for someone who rocks my world and who feels the same about me. Lonely as it may be, I'd rather go biking alone than be with someone who considers me "mediocre but will do". Besides, my bike will never leave me or fight with me even when I ride it for hours. If it can talk, it'll be a perfect husband,lol!
Besides, it's really not all about looks. Often times, it's about the attitude. And a lot of practicalities.
< Message edited by Prairiehiker -- 10/6/2008 9:23:28 PM >
_____________________________
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power through out the universe displayed
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/7/2008 7:08:19 AM
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rgod
Posts: 1539
Joined: 4/25/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DrivenbyGod
Reading through these posts and many great ones here by the ladies of CW... I've realized something about myself and probably us all. The past does shape us quite a bit and the toughest thing to do is change the way we react to our situations. We've put up our walls or developed poor habits socially or others based on things that have happened to us. So, we react to those situations the same way over and over again, but some how expect a different outcome. I guess we need the Lords help to first identify these areas and then change our behavior otherwise we'll continually repeat the same mistakes over and over again. I realize we all aren't making mistakes and am not trying to generalize here, but it does appear many if not all have gone through some very difficult times. Anyway, just my thought on this... Great posts everyone!
That is very insightful Driven!
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/7/2008 9:48:46 AM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 2105
Joined: 11/8/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
Any other ladies feel this way? Like you're not perfect enough? Not young or pretty enough to warrant a man's attention, even though there's nothing wrong with you? I feel that I don't even come close to having the perfect combination of all the traits required by men these days. That's why I don't see any point in trying anymore.
Well, I can't help trying USA777, because I still have hope, and I haven't had as many rejections as you...unless you consider having had almost NO opportunity as some kind of rejection (hey, it's one thing to be rejected by men; it's another thing to wonder if God Himself knows you are not good enough for any man, so He hasn't brought any around for you to tempt, even if you could! Or if perhaps God is saying that the wonderful marriage that I had was more than I deserved (true) and it's not even fair for me to ask for another.)
I don't have the perfect combination. John_O will tell you that every woman is attractive to some man, but so far the evidence is against his theory. I get a feeling that most men who would be in my demographic are doing exactly as you say: they can look at women who are much younger, even half their age, and it is culturally acceptable--not only that, but if they are my age, they've most often already been married once, and I suspect they have a mindset that says "I will not settle for anything less than a 9 physically" (John admits to being this way himself)...and they can afford to do that, because there are plenty of those around in the age bracket they can "shop" in. So they aren't even going to TRY to get to know you and I even though we might make better partners.
Yep. Despair sets in pretty quickly. I spend a lot of time fighting the lies of Satan: not the least of which is that my life is miserable because of this ONE thing I do not have. The truth is I DO have sooooo many other things He has given me, the BEST of which is Himself.
I have to frequently ask Him to comfort my heart because of the lack of a partner: but isn't that exactly what He wants of us? He wants US to rely on him even for comfort in that area? Is the lack of a partner and the suffering that goes with it not then turned into a blessing, for it causes us to rely on Him? Yes.
And while He hasn't yet brought me a partner, He HAS comforted me. Daily...hourly.
And my prayer lately has been: God, TEACH ME HOW TO THINK about this. Because I've already been through the anger at Him stage, the "this-isn't-fair-what-kind-of-God-are-You" phase. It didn't change anything, either--being angry at him didn't get me a husband or make me quit wanting one. I've even been to the "this-is-so-painful-I-can't-keep-living-with-it-so-I'll-just-stop-living" place: thing is, I realized that if I succeeded I'd be facing Him an instant later having basically said "You were doing such a bad job I decided to take over". Not a good idea.
So now I'm just asking him to teach me how to think about it, and in the meantime help me by comforting me, by putting my biological longings to sleep (daily!), and to keep me on the path of serving Him no matter how I feel about things. I am asking Him to make me ABLE to praise Him in the circumstance, because I am unable to do it of my own will.
And He is being faithful to all these things.
It doesn't make it go away. It doesn't make it easy. I'm still not perfect enough to attract a man. If there is ever to be a partner for me, it will literally be a miracle.
But my God still does miracles.
shallbe
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/7/2008 10:31:13 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8030
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ShallbeRebuilt
But my God still does miracles.
And that is the bottom line!!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/7/2008 10:47:39 AM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12859
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
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NO ONE IS PERFECT, except for Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/7/2008 11:02:19 PM
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blueeyedgirl2
Posts: 257
Joined: 8/31/2008
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I had another aha! moment that has to do with this topic. My church is studying The Purpose Driven Life right now. This week we learned that "you were created to become like Christ" (discipleship). Anyway, Rick Warren points out that God gives us three "tools" to become more like Christ. They are through the Bible, the Holy Spirit, and through circumstances. But not only does God provide us with these three ways to learn how to become like Christ, He also gives us choices in each of these.
1- You can choose what you think about.
2- You can choose to depend on God's Spirit moment by moment.
3- You can choose to respond to circumstances the way Jesus would.
"When all kinds of trials crowd into your lives don't resent them as intruders, but welcome them as friends. Realize that they come to test your faith and produce in you the quality of endurance. But let the process go on until that endurance is fully developed and you become people of mature character, people of integrity, with no weak spots." James 1:2-4 PH
It's #3 that really hit me this week. I've learned that God is more interested in our character than our comfort. If it takes us being uncomfortable so we can grow to be more like Christ and bear fruit for Him, God will make us uncomfortable. So while we can't choose our circumstance (being single) we can choose how to respond. With His help, we can bring Him glory through our trials.
(I'm sure there are varying opinions on this book and study, but I've been blessed by it and feel it is rooted strongly in scripture.)
_____________________________
**Becky
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/7/2008 11:28:55 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2678
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl
NO ONE IS PERFECT, except for Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, that's for sure!!!
_____________________________
Now thank we all our God, with hearts and hands and voices, what wondrous things He's done, in whom the world rejoices.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/8/2008 3:51:01 AM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12859
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
quote:
ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl
NO ONE IS PERFECT, except for Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, that's for sure!!!
Sorry - sometimes we just need to state the obvious. 
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/8/2008 7:50:33 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2586
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: The little house in the prairie
Status: offline
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quote:
Reading through these posts and many great ones here by the ladies of CW... I've realized something about myself and probably us all. The past does shape us quite a bit and the toughest thing to do is change the way we react to our situations. We've put up our walls or developed poor habits socially or others based on things that have happened to us. So, we react to those situations the same way over and over again, but some how expect a different outcome. I guess we need the Lords help to first identify these areas and then change our behavior otherwise we'll continually repeat the same mistakes over and over again. I realize we all aren't making mistakes and am not trying to generalize here, but it does appear many if not all have gone through some very difficult times. Anyway, just my thought on this... Great posts everyone!
By belief is that whether we will get married or not is something we have a lot of control of. A lot of self reflections is good guided by prayers is always good, but second guessing ourselves once something has been revealed to us lead us to a maze that serves to confuse us.
In my observation, people that get married not only has a desire to be married, but is very intentional about going after what they want. People that keep an open heart and keep putting them selves out there has a lot more chances of finding someone compare to someone who keeps herself so guarded and trying to find the "one" perfect person. While I believe in finding the best fit for us, a lot of the rules we've been following when it comes to finding someone should be examined if it's truly serving us or keeping us from truly finding someone. Most of our deal breakers are probably not deal breakers because relationships are about negotiating our differences and working through them.
I guess as I reflect back in my last relationship, I can see where I went wrong, where I kept myself boxed in by some self made rule that served to keep me from loving and being loved, and I can see where the man couldn't really love me even if I was the most perfect woman for him. Love is like that....it's not about who's perfect or not...or if we are a perfect fit or not. Perhaps there's a lot of spiritual component to love that we can't explain. So, when we find someone we have a sense of love for (that thing you can't explain), maybe try to make sense of things you can, and don't even try to explain the things you can't, but try to love with all we have anyway. Or walk away quickly if the unexplainable just fogs our minds and hearts with more confusion.
Does that make sense?
_____________________________
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power through out the universe displayed
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/8/2008 2:36:21 PM
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Pauley464
Posts: 526
Joined: 7/29/2007
From: Washington, Indiana
Status: offline
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Dear usa777,
I have been through everything you have been through and am still experiencing what you are experiencing.
Where you're feeling like you're not young or pretty enough, I'm feeling like I'm not exciting or rich enough. The women always seem to crowd around the executive who has been through 3 or 4 marriages because of infidelity or the man they know is a wife beater or drug dealer or drunk or what ever.
I desire children, but, like you, I have a chronic illness which prevents that. I also have an amputation.
I haven't been out on a date in many years, women don't accept when I ask.
I've been through every stage you have. The what's wrong with me stage. The what's wrong with God stage, The why has God ignored me stage, The why doesn't God care about me stage, It's too painful to try anymore stage. I was in that one for more than a decade. I just quit everything that didn't have to do with my home or work. My routine was to get up and go to work then go home. No church, no socializing with friends or family, nothing outside home and work. I didn't want to get hurt again.
I've prayed, asking God to take away my desire for a wife and children. He hasn't done it.
I've been told by many women that I would make a great husband and father, but always for "someone else". I've been told by many married women that if they had met me before they had married, they'd have gone after me. So I've also experienced the problem of never being on the same page with the opposite sex at the same time.
If I found the right woman, I'd gladly and quickly give up my routine, if it meant getting the family I've always desired.
I've also been to the singles groups. You're right, they are 80% to 90% women. I introduce myself and wind up getting ignored in favor of the guys with two good legs and can dance.
My difficulties in this area make me question God in the same way you have. I wonder, if God is love and if He truly does care about us more than he does the lilies of the field, why are so many people in such distress around the world and if He answers prayers as Christ said He would in John 16:22-27, why haven't my prayers been answered in the nearly 30 years I've been praying them? It's at that point I become painfully aware of my own ingratitude, bitterness, anger and lack of faith and I wind up following the angry rants with humble requests for forgiveness.
My frustration with the opposite sex is equal to yours.
Now after having said all of this, I wish I had more to offer than, "I know how you feel."
_____________________________
There is nothing so important that it can't be put off until tomorrow.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/8/2008 10:32:48 PM
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usa777
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/12/2008
Status: offline
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Pauley464,
You have no idea how much you offered to me, so please don't wish you could offer more. Knowing that there is someone out there who does know exactly how I feel helps so much! I've felt like I'm the only one struggling with some of these questions.
I can certainly say the same for PrairieHiker and Shallbe... thank you so much for taking the time to write your thoughts and feelings about this! Everyone else has had something important to share, too. One point here, another important point there.
I've just been sooo depressed lately about things! Having trouble moving through this and coming out on the other side. Or maybe that never really happens 100%. Maybe this is just my big struggle and I'll master whatever part of it I can in this remaining time on earth.
Lately I've been listening to the album "Dragontown" by Alice Cooper. This one song is called "I Just Wanna Be God". It's sung from the point of view of Satan, but it occurred to me that I have something in common with Satan - is that scary, or what? I have this terribly stubborn streak that says, "I know better than God how to run my life. He's wrong to not give me a partner", etc.... It's that rebellious spirit that I've gotta deal with somehow. Another song on that album addresses the fact that Satan's greatest trick is making us think he's not there, so we don't look for him. One of these days I guess I'll finally get so fed up with his troublemaking in this area of my life that he'll get his butt kicked good! This is just all too pleasing to him... we can't have that.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/9/2008 6:45:03 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2586
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: The little house in the prairie
Status: offline
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USA and Pauley, I'd like to point you guys to the thread here in the Singles forum called An Ambiguous loss...an article written by Hudson Davis. He's an amazing writer...maybe a bit poetic which is good for me because I like that kind of style. I cry every time I read his articles because something in them touches me....it's like he's another soul that knows so much of how I feel inside.
Anyway, read it, and I hope you feel comforted.
_____________________________
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power through out the universe displayed
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
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RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred - 10/9/2008 10:34:08 PM
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DrivenbyGod
Posts: 223
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
Love is like that....it's not about who's perfect or not...or if we are a perfect fit or not. Perhaps there's a lot of spiritual component to love that we can't explain. So, when we find someone we have a sense of love for (that thing you can't explain), maybe try to make sense of things you can, and don't even try to explain the things you can't, but try to love with all we have anyway.
Yes, I believe there is a big spiritual component in true love and I personally could never explain it to anyone... I don't think anyone can except the almighty. It's that strange and amazing kindred spirit two people have in common.
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