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magdaleine -> RE: Maggie's Musings VI (4/23/2005 9:01:12 PM)
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Going for Training
Today was the training day for Cross-Current, a program out of Living Waters, administered by the Exodus office here in Winnipeg. It's an 8-week course, on a drop-in basis, for those who are sexually and/or relationally broken, to help raise awareness of issues in their lives. Living Waters is the more in-depth program to actually begin working on healing. I had been invited to join the team first by the director for Exodus and then later by the co-ordinator of the program who didn't know her husband had already invited me. So that was kind of cool. But they gave me conflicting invitations, in a sense, so I wasn't sure what role I will be playing on the team.
It looks like I'll be part of the on-site prayer team--something I'm very glad to do. I had hoped I'd have a more active role but, after reading the "Requirements for CrossCurrent Leadership", I realize that I still have some growing and healing to do before I could sign the form that says I meet those requirements. Sigh. However, something else came out of the meeting this morning.
New Direction has its own offices and meeting facilities. For some reason, however, they have decided to connect with a downtown church. I can see some logic in this. Since the church is large by Winnipeg standards, since it is downtown and since 40% of the people who attend this church aren't Christian (it's a seeker church, I think), plugging into the church's structure of Tuesday night recovery programs works nicely in terms of more available space and the possibility of more people coming because more people have heard about it.
This church, however, happens to be the one that dh has chosen, of all the ones he's been attending, to be his home church--at least for now. I was aware of the possibility of "bumping" into him at the Tuesday night classes but I hadn't told him how I'd been asked to be involved with CrossCurrent. I didn't really expect to see him this morning. The meeting was for facilitators of the various recovery programs and he isn't one. But he SURELY didn't expect to see me there. When he walked through the door the shock on his face was very evident. I wasn't so happy to see him. I felt intruded upon. Already I felt unsure and shaky because, though I recognized a few of the CrossCurrent team, only three really know me and I've had virtually no contact with any of them for the past two years. And I didn't know any of the people from the other programs. Dh's presence made me more uneasy, not less.
The Counselling Pastor who led the joint part of the meeting had some wonderful teaching. One of the things he had us do was take 15 seconds to turn to our neighbour and look into their eyes. "What did you see? What was the other person saying?" I saw a man (dh) who, after 31 years of marriage, STILL feels embarassed and uncomfortable about looking in my eyes. He could not keep his eyes on mine but shifted them twice. It hurt. It's the same at home.
What hurt more was the contrast between all the things the pastor was saying that we as facilitators must be good at doing and me knowing that dh either can't or won't do any of them with me. The pastor said that we need to speak the "Language of the Heart" to those we're working with and this includes the ability to "read" and understand interpersonal "road signs' and respond effectively. Four such signs are:
1. Please listen to me, I need to be understood (and gave three tips for active listening: give full attention, keep your mind focused, hear their story);
2. Please accept me, I'm under construction, be cautious with me (let the speaker finish without interupting, let yourself finish listening and allow silence after the person has spoke to give time to generate your own thoughts, understand their story);
3. Please connect with me, I need relationship, merge with me (ask relevant questions, seek to clarify, give thoughtful feedback, seeking to be honest and loving, share your story);
4. Please Inspire me, I need hope (speak from the soul, speak about hope, speak with passion).
Dh does all the things with me that the pastor said NOT to do, especially with the first point, listening. It hurt so much to sit there beside him, hear these instructions and be reminded of how little my dh seems to care. And if he WAS there to learn how to be a facilitator, how in the WORLD could he do these things with strangers if he can't even do them with his wife. It was all I could do to keep back the tears.
You'll have to wait for the rest. I've been interupted.
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