A life to cherish

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cherish405 -> A life to cherish (4/21/2005 5:38:22 AM)
Hi everybody. How are you doing? Well, this is round two of my blog. I'll probably intersperse some of the old blog in with the new as there are people who may not have known me back from the old Crosswalk site. It's been interesting reading back over my last blog and seeing what things have been happening throughout the year. Hopefully you'll be able to get to know me a little better through my blog.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (4/21/2005 11:56:53 AM)
Well, it was just over a year ago that I started my last blog in the old Crosswalk. I'm going to incorporate some of the old posts with the new things, so that you get a bit of a background about me. This is part of my first blog entry. Where do I start? Well, I'm not married. I've never dated. I don't have any kids, and couldn't have any of my own even if I wanted to. That's ok though. Life presented itself with a situation that said, you could either keep your organs and maybe get pregnant at some stage and risk cancer, or you could give up the kids options and have a lessened risk of cancer. You don't have to be a genius to figure which option I took. If by some miracle I end up married, there's always the adoption route if God wants me to be a mother. I've always wondered what I'd be like as a mum. So many people have told me that I'm a natural with kids. I used to work in childcare, and some of the kids used to think they were mine, including one little boy I used to look after one morning a week. The look on his mother's face when I told him his mother was there to pick him up. He looked between the two of us, then crawled over to me as quick as he could. He was only a baby of about ten months. A while after that, he began to call me mum. I was honoured, but boy, did that cause problems. All the parents used to think he was mine too. I guess I should tell you a little bit about my family. I have two older brothers, 8 and 9 years older than me. (I've just turned 36). Both of them are married with kids. My oldest brother, Steve, has a son and daughter and is a grandfather. Both he and his kids started their families young. Mike, my youngest brother, has a son and daughter also. I'm the only grandchild that isn't married. I never met any of my grandparents. My mother's parents died before I was born and my dad's parents died in England. We never got to meet them. I've never been close to my family, much to my dismay. I was born in a place called Gisborne, in New Zealand. I moved to Western Australia in December of 1989. That was a real God happening. I'd been living with a family in Gisborne, and the marriage broke up. The mother told me that they had family here in Perth and asked me whether I'd like to move here with them. Normally I have to really think about such a serious decision, but without even thinking, I automatically answered yes. A year later, we were here. Just over a week later, I started coming to church and within a few months, I'd given my life to Jesus. I doubt I would have done that if I were still living in NZ. I'll leave my testimony for another time though. Anyway, my Christian family is extremely important to me. The Lord has brought spiritual parents into my life. They could never have kids of their own, and the Lord knew I needed them. To John and Joan, I'm their daughter. John and I are so alike that people comment that we could really be father and daughter (apart from the fact that I don't look like them). We have the same sense of humour, are both analytical and have so many other similarities. Joan and I are alike in a lot of ways too. We both relate to not being able to have kids of our own and a whole lot of other things. It's amazing when I think of how God has brought us together, and knit us together as a family. God knew we needed each other.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (4/21/2005 12:01:42 PM)
I thought I'd share some of my testimony. Again, it's mostly a post from last year, but the vast majority of it hasn't changed any. I'll update things as I get time. Somebody asked me to share my testimony, so here we go. It's kind of sad, but not meant to be used to get sympathy. It just helps me to be able to minister to others who've been through similar situations. As I've already told you, I was born in NZ and have two older, married brothers. Both my parents were abusive alcoholics, especially my mother. I went to Sunday school for a little while when I was young, and I really thought that I was a Christian because of it. After a few years, I walked away from church, but never gave up believing in God. I was intelligent, topping my year at school. I got a lot of pressure from my parents and from peers and I didn't handle it well. In fact, I just blocked everything, and I have very little memory of when I was younger. I just know of some things that were told to me by others. I started being abused by my parents when I was very young, but it really kicked up a notch when I was about 10 or 11. My mother would come home from the pub where my dad worked, and if they'd had a fight, I was the one who wore the brunt of her anger and frustration. I never knew what to expect when she came through the door. It was a really lonely time, as my mother rarely let my friends come over, and I never really felt comfortable inviting friends over because of the volitile nature of my parents. I didn't know at the time, but I had already started suffering from clinical depression. Nobody noticed it, even when I first tried to suicide at school aged 11. My teacher just thought it was attention seeking, yet did nothing about it. I wasn't diagnosed with depression until I was 23. Being from NZ, and being part Maori (the indigenous people from NZ), I was raised in a lot of the ways in the Maori culture. There's a lot of ancestor worship, and going into the marae (the meeting house), is said to be going inside your ancestor. If you ever get to look at the picture of one, there is a long panel down the middle to represent the backbone. The beams coming down the sides are to represent the ribs. I have to admit, the Maori culture used to freak me out, especially when I was little and I had to go and sleep in the marae after a funeral. I'd be the only one in there, and there's no electricity. Scary stuff. The Maori people are very much into the spiritual realm. I was no different. I was spiritually sensitive, still am, but in a different way now. During my teen years, my cousin introduced me to new age and the occult. I was so hungry for spiritual things and I thought that this would fill a void for me. I've had some really scary things happen to do with those things, but I was really deceived. I was teaching my friends how to get involved etc. Not something that I'm proud of. At one stage though, I really began to feel unsettled about it, thinking that God wasn't into what I was doing, (which He wasn't). Somebody told me, "Who do you think started it?" With that, I dived in deeper. I always told myself that I would never be like my mother, being alcoholic, and abusing others. I began drinking in my teens, and ended up heading towards becoming an alcoholic. In my late teens, probably not being helped by my drinking, depression was really settling in. So, it was the late 80's, and there I was, drinking heavily, into the occult, broken from being abused, into false religion and majorly clinically depressed. At the time I was living with a family, and the parent's marriage broke up. They decided to move to Australia to be with family and invited me along. It had to be God, because without even thinking, I said yes. Before I left NZ though, I stopped by a tarot card reader, and only one thing she said, ever came true. She told me that I would start going back to church, and that I would love it. God was already working on me though. I used to smoke cigarettes, but I don't anymore. I was finding that I was getting sick whenever I drank. It took a while for me to figure out what was going on, but God finally got my attention. I now can stop at one or two if I'm at special occasions, whereas before I couldn't. Australia was a whole new ball game. About a week after arriving here, I started going to church, and I did love it. I was still into the occult, but not for long. I became a Christian just a few months after arriving in Perth, and the Lord completely took away every desire to be involved in it in an instant. I've never been near it again. Now I know how to help people get out of the occult, because of my own experiences. About a month after I arrived in Perth, I heard a missionary from Nepal speaking at the church I was going to. I mentioned above that I felt God asking me to be a missionary. Without question, I said yes. A few years later, the Lord began showing me where He wanted me to go. September 2002, I got to take my first missions trip to Namibia. It was such a dream come true for me. I was asking the Lord when that time would come, and as the rest of the team sat in the van coming in from the airport at what would have been 3am our time, I was flying high on adrenaline because I was finally getting to do what I felt God had asked me to do, in one of the places I feel called to. I think this is just the beginning for me in terms of missions, but it's just a matter of waiting on God's timing for future trips. Years ago now, I used to get really down a lot and I'd call friends to pray for me. (I now live with them). They came to realise that the reason I was getting so down was because I was so spiritually sensitive. They have been pastors and have been teaching me spiritual warfare. I now teach them about how to get people out of the occult and new age. We minister together at times, to broken people who've been through abuse, and into occultic practices. The Lord has been healing me and bringing me to a place where I can trust Him more. He's changing me in so many ways. When I went back to NZ in 93, my best friend couldn't get over how different I am from when I lived there. I know that I will never go back as I feel that the Lord has told me that he doesn't want me to. I just want to be where God wants me to be, doing what He wants me to be doing.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (4/21/2005 12:54:14 PM)
Over the years, I've done a lot of study. Against my parent's wishes, I left school at 16 to start working in a government bookshop. I really enjoyed it. I got a rude shock, however, when after 3 months, I got fired. I thought I'd something absolutely terrible! It wasn't until quite some time later that I found out that my ex-boss had quite a reputation of firing staff after they'd been there for 3 months. I had no idea at the time. Where I lived, it was the second highest unemployment rate in the country. Needless to say, getting another job was not the easiest thing to do. In the end, I decided to go back and study via correspondence to get the grades that I didn't get before finishing school. I'd been a really good student as a youngster. They'd even put me ahead a year as I found what I'd been doing too easy. I think when I turned 14, things really came unstuck. Our house caught fire, (we had a 2 storey house). There was an electrical fault in the electric blanket on my parent's bed. My mother had got up to go to the bathroom in the early hours of the morning. She thought things looked pretty hazy, but thought it was just the fact that she was still nine tenths asleep. When she got back to bed, her side of the bed was on fire, and my dad being a heavy sleeper, was still fast asleep. Thankfully my youngest brother heard my mother trying to wake him, and managed to help her. They were busy trying to throw the mattress out of the bedroom window onto the ground. My brother ran next door to the adjoining house to warn them. Nobody came to wake me, but I think that was the providence of God that I got out. Just a short time after the fire, my parents, brother and I all had to sleep downstairs in the lounge room as the upstairs area got repaired. The top floor had just about burned it's way through and nearly collapsed to the ground floor. Thankfully, that didn't happen. Anyway, not long after the fire, I woke up one morning, just about screaming. I didn't know it at the time, but I had such a bad kidney infection that I just about landed myself on dialysis. For weeks, I wouldn't eat, as I wasn't hungry. I missed a lot of school, and I found myself really struggling when I finally did get back to school. It was also around that time, when I really fell in with the wrong crowd at school. It was not the easiest time, looking back on things. Anyway, as I was saying, I eventually went back to study via correspondence. My favourite subject was English. When I was 13, my English teacher entered one of my written pieces into a writing competition without me knowing it. I wasn't impressed when I found out which one, as I really didn't like it. It seems others didn't agree with me, however. It won third prize in the junior prose. I found that my English teachers at the correspondence school liked my writing too. Sometimes I'd get sent publications from the correspondence school. The first time, I really didn't understand why I was being sent one, as it wasn't normal practice. It seems my teachers liked my work so much that they had it published. They used to ask for more of my work for publication. I don't see myself as a good writer. Especially not now. I'm way out of practice. It was good experience though. I managed to get good grades when I went back to study via correspondence. I was thinking that with my grades, it would make it easier for me to get a job in New Zealand. That didn't prove to be true for me. After moving to Australia, I started doing casual work, as that was all I could get. I wanted to be able to do something a lot better, so I decided that I needed to go back to school. The qualifications that I'd got in New Zealand weren't recognised in Australia. In fact, it was seen as me being 2 years behind what it would have been in New Zealand. So in 2 years, I did from grade 8-12. Grades 8-11 in the first year, and grade 12 in the second year. The year later, I started working towards a childcare degree, as I really felt that that was what God wanted me to do. I struggled in some areas, particularly during the practical assessments on the job. They gave us so much paperwork to do, that I was getting a maximum of 2 hours of sleep a night whenever I was on prac. In the industry, you actually don't have to do that much paperwork. It frustrated me no end, as when friends asked for help, I could give them ideas without any problems. When it came time to do my own work, it was like I got a block, and didn't know what to do. That was why I was getting so little sleep. Trying to work out programmes and everything for the kids in my care. I almost finished my degree, and a month before I finished it and qualified, I realised that that was something that God really actually didn't want me doing. I found it so hard to walk away from after all the work I'd put into it, but at the same time, I was so burned out, that in a way, it was a real relief. For a while, I continued to pick up casual work in childcare centres as unqualified staff. After a while, I finally got the hint that God didn't want me doing that either. A couple of years later, I decided to embark on another degree, surer this time that this was what God wanted me to do. The work was so much harder than the childcare degree, and yet, I was managing to get good grades. I was studying to become a library technician. (Believe it or not, my favourite book as a kid was a dictionary. I know, I'm a total geek! [8\|]) By the end of the first term, I really started to struggle. Things that I had found easy, suddenly began to elude me. I couldn't understand it. I was feeling totally overwhelmed, and not understanding why. By that time, I had not long started living with John and Joan. They knew that something wasn't right. My moods had totally altered. I was so stressed out, that I was eating one meal a week, and still gaining huge amounts of weight. My doctor had just told me that I needed to go onto the contraceptive pill and I'd be ok. Wow, I'm so glad that I didn't take that advice. John and Joan had little faith in the doctor that I had at that time, and pleaded with me to see one of the doctors who attended our church. Boy, did the rollercoaster start then!

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (4/21/2005 1:25:51 PM)
I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I heard from a psychologist, that I was clinically depressed even as a young child. I knew by the end of the first term that something was terribly wrong. I agreed to see one of the doctors from church. As I said, from there, the rollercoaster really took off. I went to see the doctor about getting some help with the depression that I was feeling. I got more than I bargained for. The first time the doctor saw me, she told me that I would need to go for tests. I've always had a massive weight problem, even as a child. To me, I was just fat. Still am. Anyway, I knew something wrong when I was sent for an ultrasound (sonogram), and the technician just about had a coronary on the spot. For starters, she couldn't find my kidneys. I was immediately sent back to the doctor for further referrals for more tests the next morning. I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams what was about to happen. I was diagnosed with PCOS, otherwise known as poly cystic ovarian syndrome. Why couldn't the technician find my kidneys? They were there, but I had 2 MASSIVE cysts that were obstructing and moving my other organs as they couldn't fit in the right spaces. I had one cyst that was 30x32 cms and another one that was 30x28x17 cms. For those who still work in feet and inches, they were each over 1'x1'. I also had others growing in there as well. The depression in itself was enough for the doctor to tell me to stop studying and working on medical grounds. The PCOS sealed it for me. I was put into hospital relatively quickly after that, and they removed over 25kgs or 50lbs of cysts. Pathology results came back showing that they were borderline cancerous, and if they had been left any longer, I would have been in huge trouble. I was told that I would have to come back to oncology for 10 years instead of the usual 5 for checkups, as what they found was particularly nasty, and could grow back absolutely anywhere. Four months later, I needed another sonogram for something completely different, but for some reason, the technician checked somewhere that she wasn't meant to. She found more cysts growing. Later that year, I was given a hysterectomy, as if I didn't have one, cysts would continue to just keep growing. I haven't worked or studied since that time, as I don't have the mental concentration or physical ability to be able to cope with it. For now, I am on a disability pension. I do keep busy doing things, despite being on a pension, but I'll leave that for another post. I'll just quickly talk about the present, before I fill in some more background stuff. At the moment, I'm having a time of having to see oncology. I went for my annual checkup about a month ago, and for some reason, my specialised blood test results weren't there. I found out from my doctor what my levels were. He told me that I had nothing to worry about, but I've learned from oncology where the danger signs are for me. I went back to the oncology clinic earlier this week, as it showed that my levels were up. I spoke to a junior doctor, so I'm waiting to hear back from the doctor once she's talked to the consultants. It may mean more blood work and imaging. (CT scans and the like), as well as maybe some other things, depending on the results of things. Some of the symptoms I'm experiencing, could be explained by the gastric banding I had back in October to try and help me lose some more weight. However, she couldn't explain my elevated levels. She couldn't rule out cancer. My levels are 2 below my danger level and 3 below where they were when I had that first surgery. Hopefully it will be nothing to worry about, but I'll let you know when I found out anything. I could keep going, but I think that's probably enough for now. I'll talk to you again later.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (4/26/2005 12:28:06 PM)
Ok, let's see. Where to go to next? The oncology appointment. Some of you might know some of this, as I've posted it in my thread, but just so I can remember it at a later date, I'll write it down. I got a call on Friday morning. Well, the doctor talked to her boss, and it seems that he seems to think that the elevated levels could be being caused by the gastric banding that I had done in October of last year. That, or something else. He didn't say what the something else could be. I have to get another blood test done in 3 months, instead of waiting the 12 months that I was originally going to be doing. Hopefully that will be ok. It's now the early hours of Wednesday morning for me, the 27th of April. I have an appointment to see the surgeon this afternoon, so I'm going to ask him if he has any ideas as to why the surgery could have affected the results. Hopefully I'll get some answers, as the last few visits, I've felt as though I haven't been listened to. When you have a possible cancer scare, it sure makes you want answers if you can get them. Over the weekend, I wasn't well. I think that too, has a lot to do with the surgery I had in October. I was told that gastric banding, (not gastric bypass), would be really helpful for me in getting my weight down. Believe me, I have a lot of it to lose. I've put on a little weight due to stress eating and just hitting a plateau, so I've lost something like about 60lbs now. My weight just yoyo's and won't go down any further. Sometimes I really wonder if I did the right thing in having the surgery. I actually lost a lot more of my weight prior to surgery, than after it. Like about 50lbs. With talk of the surgery possibly causing my levels to go up, I really do wonder if I made the right decision. There are so many things that my stomach can't handle anymore. Even the other morning, the smell of toast made me sick. My body is so intensely over sensitive right now, that the slightest thing sets it off. It's been a rough little while lately. On Monday, I found out that the friend/doctor who had me diagnosed is about to leave this earth. She has suffered from cancer for a long time, and now it has ravaged her body. Her family are all doctors, and none of them expected her to decline as quickly as she has. They have set up a palliative care facility at their home so that she can die there. All of her family are flying back to spend what little time she has left. She is no longer eating or drinking, so it's just a matter of time. She has so many of the symptoms my mother had before she died. (Not that my mother died of cancer). Making today harder, it would actually have been my mother's 71st birthday today. I didn't really get on with her, even though I wanted to. Both my parents had problems with alcohol, and my mother would become very abusive. I often didn't know what kind of a mood she would be in when she got home. My dad worked in a bar, and she would go there after work to unwind. You never knew what time she would be home. One morning, when I was about 6-7 years old, my older brother came home at 3.30am, and wondered what I was still doing up. I was waiting for my parents, of course. I'd been left home alone, as I was a latchkey kid. I didn't get on with my family, but I desperately wanted to. I so wanted a family that would love me, protect me, be normal, and that I could be close to. I got the complete opposite. My brothers are close in age, so they bonded really well. My parents had more experience with boys, and so they related much better to them. They didn't know how to deal with a girl. I've never been thin, and my family constantly taunted me about my weight. I remember my mother telling me once that she wished that she had a daughter that she could take shopping and buy clothes for, instead of somebody who didn't fit into anything and only wore black. Not that I was a goth or anything, but it was just something that I felt comfortable in. (This is getting long, so I'll continue in the next post).

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (4/26/2005 1:06:48 PM)
Do I hate my mother? No. I hated what she often did to me, and the unpredictability that it brought growing up. She was my mother, and whilst I didn't agree with her behaviour etc a lot of the time, I still loved her. I couldn't go out, or even have friends over 99% of the time, even if it were to work on school assignments. I don't know if she were afraid that somebody would find something out or something, but she never felt comfortable. If I had a friend or two over for dinner for my birthday, she had to be there. She was the complete control freak. My friends hated coming over. I asked her one day if she'd ever been abused growing up. She said no, but then I doubt she would have actually admitted it anyway. Anyway, this is not a post to berate her. Afterall, she was my mother. I guess she did what she felt she could at the time. I try to think of positive things about her, and I can't remember any. That's so sad. I don't know whether my mind has blocked them out, in favour of the negative, or whether there actually just wasn't any positive times. Anger and alcohol were always influencing her in some way or other. This is going to sound morbid, and I really don't mean it to be. Tonight I was trying to remember what she looked like. I don't know why, but I can only think of the picture my dad sent me after she passed away. I never understood why he sent it, not even to this day. It was a picture of my mum, all blown up from where the congestive heart failure had taken over, in an open casket at her funeral service in their garage. I try to think of other images of her, but that one just keeps coming to mind. I had some prayer over it tonight as I certainly don't want to remember her that way. I'm going to have to get some other pictures of her in my mind somehow. She passed on nearly 7 years ago now. Just six weeks short of what would have been my parent's 40th wedding anniversary. A week after my parents met, my dad proposed. She said no because he was drunk. A week later, he proposed again, and again, she said no because he was drunk. The third week, he asked her again, and this time she accepted. Less than 3 months after meeting, they married in a registry office, and stayed married. There were times when I really didn't think that their marriage would last, but somehow it did. Despite how much they fought, they obviously loved one another. My mother was raised as a Catholic, so the idea of divorce would have been out of the question. She was very hurt by the church when I was very young. Many people talking about her behind her back. She left the church when I was 4, taking my brothers and I with her. I had been praying so hard for her salvation. When I got word that she was not expected to make it through the night, I was devastated. My sister in law lead her to the Lord just before she died, so I know that I will see her again in heaven some day. The last time I talked to her, just days before her death, she sounded so much better, and I thought that God was answering my prayers for her healing. I guess His ideas of healing and mine were completely different. At least now, she is no longer sick and in pain. That's a good thing. Despite all of the hard things, I still miss my mum. I miss that we didn't get a chance to really bond. I missed out on her seeing me as something to be proud of. You see, my mother never really knew me. Obviously, she knew of my existence, but she never actually knew me. Those here at CW and my friends etc, know me far better than my mother ever did. I'm sad that I never got the pleasure of seeing her proud of me. She had very high standards. When I topped my years the first years of school, it wasn't good enough. I should have done better. She told me that she wished that I were more like my brothers, who were into sports etc, but would never allow me the opportunity to get involved. I wonder whether my mother ever thought anything postive of me. My brothers both had government jobs. As a kid, I wanted to work in retail because I loved the people contact. That was like my mother's worst nightmare. I don't know what I could have done to make her proud of me. I've had counselling over the years. I still don't understand a lot of things, and maybe I never will. I've forgiven her for a lot of things over the years. I continue to do that. It's a long, slow process, but I will get there. Sorry that this has turned out to be such a negative set of posts. I had some other things that I wanted to share that was a lot more positive, but I can't remember what they were right now. I'll give it some more thought, and share it next time.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (4/26/2005 1:33:42 PM)
I really wanted to end this session with a positive. I just wanted to say thankyou to my many wonderful friends around here at Crosswalk. You have made me feel so welcome and blessed. I'm so glad to have met you all. Thankyou for being such an important part of my life. You've got no idea how excited I get at the thought of spending time with you all. You're all family to me, and family is so important in my books. You are all a real treasure and a real blessing. Thankyou Lord for my friends.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (4/27/2005 7:24:42 AM)
Hi everybody. Just letting you know how this afternoon went with the surgeon. I ended up with a student doctor who asked a pile of questions and did a bit of an examination of my stomach and abdomen. I have felt a lump near my left rib for a few months. It has been rather painful. I tried talking to the surgeon about it the last few times, but the surgeon had done nothing. The student doctor confirmed that I did have a lump. Yay, I'm not nuts! Initially the student doctor said something about my spleen. I wasn't impressed. He said he'd make sure that the surgeon took a look at it. He even had to ask me where the port is. (That's where the fluid gets put into the band). The surgeon came in and I threw questions at him. Oh boy! Did he get defensive when I told him that oncology told me that they thought that my elevated levels were as a result of the gastric banding. He was going on about how he's never had that happen before and all sorts of things. He had no idea why the oncologists would think that. He wants me to give him the name of the oncologist in charge of my case and he'll personally have words with him. Apparently, he knows them all, as they consult regularly about difficult cases, as they are specialists in their own fields. He's one fired up doctor! He said that he'd never operate on somebody with an elevated level of the test I had. The surgeon examined me, and found that I didn't have a hernia, which I think he was worried about when I said I had a lump. He did say that I had adhesions, where scar tissue is stretching. He also says that I have gastritis. I have medications that I'm going to have to take to deal with it. At least I know that I have something wrong that has a name to it. He says that I have to further change my diet. He wants me to have lost at least 13lbs before the next time that I see him. I'm wondering how on earth I'm meant to do that. I guess I'm going to have to increase my exercise more and somehow eat less. Hopefully the adjustment that I had today will help me to not eat as much. I have to further limit my calorie intake. If the adjustment works, then that will definitely help in that department. It was so funny. The surgeon did the adjustment. (For those who don't know what that is, it's where saline is injected into my gastric band so that I can't eat as much). He left the student doctor to put the bandaid on the wound site. It was so funny when he asked where the site was. I still don't have all the answers, but I know more than when I went in. This time, I feel more as though I was heard. I still have some things I'd like answered, but I feel as though I know more than I did the last few times that I've been to him. Tomorrow night, my time, I start a foundations course at church. It's not like a class for new Christians or whatever. It's actually more a course on inner healing, to help when praying for/counselling somebody. It's eight weeks long. It will certainly help me in gaining skills that I can use. Anyway, I need to get offline for now. I'll talk to you all again later.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/5/2005 5:46:07 AM)
Wow, it's been a while since I last posted. I had some things that I wanted to blog about, but I can't remember what they were now. Maybe they'll come back. I hope so. A week ago, I started doing a course at church called Foundations. It's about inner healing. I don't know whether it was stress due to just coming straight from the doctor's to the course, but I really had problems concentrating. What I remember of it was good, however, I don't think that this is the right time for me to do the course. I had planned on going back again tonight, but don't feel that that is such a good idea. I might take it later on in the year. Last week, I talked to my doctor about changing meds (antidepressants), as I've found that one of the meds has stopped being useful. It tends to make me feel a lot more tired, and usually at all the wrong times. There are some other side effects which I haven't found pleasant from them either, so I'm going back onto a med that I've been on before. I found it to be a lot more helpful, with the only big side effect being a draw back is increased appetite and weight gain. I'm going to have to be extremely careful with that. I'm starting that tonight, so hopefully, things will improve quickly. I've found the last few days have been increasingly difficult as I've come off the previous med in order to come onto this one. I never fare very well when changing over meds, and believe me, I've had plenty of experience in this department, but this time has been particularly harrowing. Hopefully once this new med kicks in, it will make life a lot easier for me. I've found that I've had to have extra calmatives to keep me sane, especially yesterday. I become a lot more "driven" in situations like that, which isn't helpful. I'll continue this soon. Dinner is ready.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/5/2005 12:30:10 PM)
Driveness is something that I've had to deal with for a lot of my life. I'll take one area of my life to illustrate my point. Anybody who knows me, knows that I really struggle with my weight. I've been really overweight for a lot of my life, and I really wouldn't know what it feels like to be thin. I've had several doctors talk to me about diets of differing kinds and other things to try and help me lose my weight. In October of last year, I even underwent gastric banding, or lap banding. I actually lost more weight prior to the surgery than I have past. Oh well, not much we can do about that. Driveness in this area? To spend more time on my exercise bike. To eat less, or eat nothing at all. Hmm, better finish this off later. I'm falling asleep at the computer!!

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/5/2005 8:24:43 PM)
Ok, time to continue on. Driveness with my weight. Man, how much information do you want? [8\|] I often feel driven to spend more time on my exercise bike, to eat less or not eat at all. To do certain amounts of time on my bike at at least a certain speed in an attempt to burn more calories. With the change over in meds, it just intensified it 10 times. The other day, I'd done an hour and just over 25 minutes on the bike. Was that enough for me? No. As far as I was concerned, I was going to review it after another hour and a quarter on the bike. [8\|] Stupid, stupid stuff. Since my surgery last year, I've had months of being plateaued in the weight department. There has been a gap of about 10lbs that I go between and can never get below. When I saw the surgeon last week, he was telling me that by the next time he saw me, I should be below a certain weight. It's lower than my lowest plateau weight. Has it freaked me out? You betcha! He told me that I should be on 800 calories a day. Throw that into the mix, and you have one stressed out Trish. I already struggle with what I can eat. My body won't tolerate certain foods anymore due to the surgery, and what can be ok one day, might not be the next, thanks to gastritis. Fun, fun, fun. Now I'm having to cut things back to 800 calories a day. I still haven't managed to do that yet, but I have significantly cut back on what I do eat. It's getting there. I'll need to cut back down some more, but I'm not going to try and do it all in one go. Too much change at once. What worries me, is the side effects I have with my new med, of having it increase my appetite and put weight on me. Not good timing, I admit, but there's not much I can do about the whole thing. One of the things that really took hold of me in the past little while, particularly during the change over in meds, was just hopelessness. Feeling as though I'd never lose this weight. Feeling like even if I stopped eating, and exercised all the time, I still wouldn't lose it. Wondering what else I could do to lose the weight. That's what I mean by driven. Push myself to an absolute limit, to every extreme, and still not have any good results from it. It's just crazy. There are times when John and Joan just about have to pull me off the bike and dismantle it so that I don't go back on it again. I've never known what it's like to be thin. I don't even know what it's like to be thinner. I've lost 60+lbs, but to me, I still look the same. I don't see any differences, although I keep hearing I look different. Once upon a time, I used to think that I didn't care about my weight. People could accept me or not. I've come to realise that was a lie. It hurts when people comment badly about my weight. Believe me, I've had more bad comments than I'd like to admit. Not only from friends and family, but doctors and even complete strangers. You really start wondering what you've done wrong when complete strangers start screaming obscenities at you as you're walking down the street, and it's all directed at your weight. You're eating an apple for lunch and people look at you like you've just eaten enough for a buffet for an entire family. A lot of the time, it feels as though I can't win. I struggle to lose weight only to have something like the above happen. That flicks a switch in me which sets me on the bike and trying to do things with my eating. If I weren't fat, I'm worried that I'd be anorexic. Don't allow yourself to eat food and then exercise to make sure that the calories start to come off. If they don't, then I have to be even harder on myself. After years of being told how fat I am, and being told by doctors that I'm morbidly obese, it's really taking it's toll. I'm just really glad that God and others look to the heart and not so much on the physical side of things. Does that mean that I shouldn't be doing anything about my weight? No. It just means that I need to chill out some more about it, and let God help me in that area. I could write a lot more about this, but I think it would just get more negative, so I'll stop it there. Instead, I'll find one of the blog entries that I posted in my last blog, so that you can get to know me a little better.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/5/2005 8:33:23 PM)
This week, I had an interesting moment with one of my Crosswalk friends. Not only was it enlightening for them, but also for me. Just a quick question before I go on. How do you perceive me? Quiet? Loud? Obnoxious? Respectful? Somebody who could give a person a really hard time if I wanted to? Stubborn? Friendly? Loyal? Somebody who loves too much? Somebody who loves too little? A social butterfly? Shy? Argumentative? Compassionate? A punching bag? Somebody who would crush an empty beer can with their forehead when they'd finished drinking its contents? Angry? Somebody who would have got headbutted by a skinhead at a cabaret? A perfectionist? Somebody who swore/cussed a lot? Well, if you picked any or all of those things, then you would actually be correct. Maybe not all in the same time frame, or people would REALLY think that I had mental problems! The truth is though, that at some point in my life, those things have ALL been me. Next month, I will have been a Christian for 15 years. Before then, I'd heard of Christ. I even thought that I was a Christian. I got involved in things that I'm not proud of as a non Christian. I was a heavy drinker, into the occult. I smoked. At one point, I shared a house with six other people, two of them with major anger issues. I'd been involved in many abusive relationships. (Just not the dating kind if you know what I mean). Friends, family, acquaintances. I never asked to be abused. Who does? I felt that as my family or people that were important to me, that they had a right to do so. They knew me pretty well, especially my family, and I thought their judgement must have been better than mine. I got the message that I wasn't ok, and so, in an attempt to please everybody around me, I became lots of different things to different people. That all left me feeling really confused. I drank, because I'd seen my family do it, despite the fact that I hated seeing the results it produced in them. At the time, I thought it was fun. It made me seem more grown up. It was something to try and numb the pain. It also saw me make some really stupid judgements. I grew up angry. When I left home, I became the nice, quiet girl who didn't dare offend at the risk of being abused more. When I drank, there were times when my inhibitions really got away. I became an obnoxious drunk who argued, sometimes got into fights and continued to be easily hurt. I was so many things that you wouldn't associate with me nowadays. I shocked somebody earlier on this week, in just sharing a couple of things with them about my past. Why am I bringing this up? To glorify what I was before? Certainly not. I'm saying it, because I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am a very different person than I used to be. Not because of what I've done on my own. I know that I am the person I am today, because of what Jesus did and is doing in my life. I know I have a long way to go to improve and be more like Jesus, but I know too, that I'm on my way. I look back at the person that I used to be before my relationship with Christ, and I was a vastly different person. I wonder if you would have recognised me then. I look back in amazement at what I used to be, because it is so different from the me that exists now. My nature is a lot gentler than it used to be. I can empathise with people that once I couldn't have. I'm not afraid to talk to people involved in the occult about Christ. I know how He set me free, and I want to see them walking in that same freedom. I admit, there are times when I lose hope about myself. That's one of the classic symptoms of depression, and I know about that all too well. I thank God, that He's never lost hope in me. There are times when I think that I'm too hard for God. That others are too hard for God. I have to learn to take my eyes off of myself, and put them squarely back on God. Whatever I might think is too hard, is nothing to God. He has the power to do whatever He likes, when He likes. He brings people to Himself every day. He heals people every day. We may not see it, or hear of it, but we have a miracle working God. The things we think are impossible to change, as I thought of my life, He can and does change, if we give Him the opportunity. I think of the story about the child who gives their shattered toy to their father, upset that it can't be fixed. I'm like that with my life and my heart. I'm giving it to the Father. To me, it seems impossible to fix, but in His eyes, it's a work in process. He sees the finished product, whereas I can only see the pieces. Thankyou Lord that you take the shattered pieces of my life and reconstruct them into something beautiful.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/7/2005 11:56:43 AM)
Hi everybody. Just wanted to make a quick note before I start. If there is anything you'd like to know about me or my life here in this blog, you can either just pm me, or put the suggestion in my thread. Don't worry, if I don't feel comfortable talking about it in here, I won't. By the way, thanks for reading. I know that there are a few people who do, but you never know who else gets to read this as well. Ok, on with the show. It seems I've created a little bit of a reaction with my blog so far. Not in a bad way. It's never been my intention to deliberately stand out. I guess those that have known me for a while around CW have seen a certain side to me. I can be the happy, joking hug addict sometimes. Then there are other times when I just struggle my way through things. Depression can sink in pretty deeply sometimes, and I know at those times in particular, I can be a bit of a worry to people. Either way, I'm still here, and still trying to laugh at the things that life deals me. Thankfully, I've got lots of friends to laugh with around here. There are so many of you here who are so precious to me. Anyway, back to this stir/reaction I've had. Some have noted me about my blog entries. Other places, I've seen the odd comment around here and there. Nothing bad, but just people saying that they see that there's more to me than what I've initially let show. Somebody said to me that they can see how I could have turned out a completely different person than I am now. It's not the first time that I've heard that. When I first started counselling just after I became a Christian, my youth pastor said exactly the same thing. Actually many people have said that to me over the years. I could have turned out to be somebody living on the streets, a much harder person than I am now. Did I ever think about it at the time? Yes. I couldn't stand living at home as a teen, and not just for the usual teen reasons. I think everybody knows that teens can have a hard time growing up. I guess like a lot of people, my years were just made that much harder living with 2 alcoholic parents who were abusive. I think I've said in my blog that my mother was physically, emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive. My father was mainly the latter of the four, however, I can't say that he never ever hit me. My mother used to say that the reason why my dad and I fought so much is because we were so much alike. I personally don't see it, but then again, I don't remember much of his personality. I hear I was daddy's little girl when I was young. My only real memories of my dad were that he had to be near death before he'd call in sick from work. I remember where he kept his stash of booze, whatever wasn't being brought into the house daily. He had more than one type of liquor that he drank. Beer and rum. I remember constant arguing. One night, when I was about 13 or 14, I remember my dad and I had this huge argument. My mother wasn't home. I had had enough, and really couldn't take it anymore. I told my dad that I wanted to leave and just go and live on the streets. I couldn't take all the things that were going on around the place. Never knowing when they were going to walk in the door, or what mood they'd be in when they got here. Whether I was going to be safe once they got home. I lived in terror, and I had spent the last few years praying that I would die, so that I didn't have to face that day after day. I believed God was real, and I couldn't understand at the time why God would not answer me, or send me some help somehow. This night, after that huge argument, I tried to leave. I didn't care. I would go and live under the bridge. Anything would have been better than where I was. I was still dressed in my school uniform. I would have just grabbed my school books and gone to school everyday like nothing had happened. As I tried to leave, my dad hit me hard, fairly and squarely in the face, telling me that I would not be leaving the house. I knew that if I tried for the door again, I would just wear another of his punches. I think that he was afraid that somebody would find out what was going on in this crazy family of mine. It would not be seen as the done thing to have your teenage daugther living on the streets and be seen as a respectable family. Appearances were important to my parents. Behind the scenes, the family was falling apart, but we had to appear as though everything was going on well, and there weren't any problems. Some knew my circumstances and did nothing. There were promises that if anything else happened, they would get me help, but it never came. What didn't help was that my youngest brother is one of the bosses in the social welfare department in New Zealand, which deals with situations like mine. My brothers never thought I'd suffered anything. They saw it as normal, as they had been through worse than me. One brother even told me that I had it easy in comparison to them. Maybe I did. As somebody so sensitive however, it was just as devastating. Due to the intense fellowship, I ended up staying at home, but I became a very hard person. Every second word was a swear/cuss word. Emotionally distant. I hear that I could cut somebody to shreds with my words. My parents had first hand experience of that, but I had no other way of expressing myself. I didn't have the skills, and I doubted that they would have taken any notice of anything less. I even doubt that they listened to what I said, even with cutting remarks. I was emotionally void. I learned that if I cried, I got into trouble. Hugs and displays of affection never happened in our household. Hugs were not acceptable. Any show of anything other than positive emotions was a real no no. I learned not to cry and I built up so many walls around myself. Nobody was allowed to hug me. It was way too close contact, and I felt completely uncomfortable about it. My body would just stiffen if anybody tried. For years, even after I moved out of home, I was the same way. I talked to John last night about the whole thing of being a street kid. He wonders whether the way my dad hit me that night and refused to let me leave, was God's provision. It kept me in the house and out of danger. I was wondering this morning how I would have fared as a streetkid. I don't think I have the street smarts required to live that life. Despite the tough exterior, I know that inside, I am a real softy and really sensitive to things. I don't know that I would have had the resourcefulness to have had the life of a streetkid. John says that I'd have the intelligence to learn, but looking back on it now, Dad's behaviour did stop me from leaving the house that night. Did I ever think about it since then? Sure. Somehow God kept me at home until I eventually moved out with other people that I knew. I'm a completely different person than I was then. God has gradually broken down the hardness in my character and personality. Now I can empathise with others in their circumstances. I don't physically stiffen up whenever most people go to give me a hug. It's a real improvement. I think God kept me from being a streetkid. I look at how I am now, and I don't think I could ever have chosen that life now. Yes, the circumstances were there that could have swayed me in that direction, but God protected me from that decision. This isn't a testament to how God is. It's a story of what God's been doing with me.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/7/2005 12:24:31 PM)
Somebody asked me to talk about my spiritual gifts and how I use them. For now, I'll just talk about one of my most obvious giftings. Some of you may know the story, but please bear with me as I tell others who don't know. As you may have guessed, my number one gifting is mercy/compassion. There's lots of ways that this gets used. I find it helpful when praying with somebody, encouraging somebody, helping somebody. After I had surgery in '99, I was really questioning God about what I could do that would really make a difference in the lives of people. I'd really been struggling with this, seeing others moving in their ministry areas, and I'd been feeling useless. I'd made a couple of meals for some families that needed a bit of help. I talked to John about my frustration of not knowing what to do. He told me to do what was in front of my face. I knew that I'd made a few meals that had blessed some people. I decided that that was something that I could do. Not long after that, we heard of a family in our church who could really use some help. The mother and young son had been involved in a car accident, leaving the mother in a really bad way, physically. She could no longer work, and her husband was working full time, and studying part time to learn how to do the massage his wife needed, to try and curb costs some. Their boys were only very young, and not old enough to cook meals and help with the bulk of housework etc. I just had this hairbrain thought, "I wonder how much it would cost to feed a family of 4 for a week". So, I went out and bought and made their dinners for the week. It was just a matter of them heating the meal up. I'd have a huge cook up, and then freeze the meals until they were needed. Slowly we heard of more people needing help with meals. I added them to the list. I'm only on a disability pension, which isn't much, but I felt like this was something that God was calling me to, and that He would supply the finances to help me do it. The family I fed after the mother was involved in an accident, ended up lasting for 3 years. I mean, we fed the family for 3 years, not the mother lasted 3 years. It developed into quite a ministry. John and Joan are on the pastoral care team at our church, and so they hear of people who need help in that area. There were some days when I'd get up really early in the morning and work until late at night. Some days 120 meals were made in a day. Sometimes a couple of hundred meals in a week. I don't do the long days like I used to as my back just couldn't take it, but I still do the meals. God keeps providing the finances for it, and I don't feel that I am to stop yet. I cook meals in bulk, putting lots of vegetables in things, even when they don't call for them. I always make sure there is a carb of some description in there to bulk up the meal and fill the recipients. I know some of the people who get the meals, but not all. I just need to know that there's somebody who needs them, and if there's anything in there, I'm all too happy to just open the freezer to them. I'm not some great cook. I know heaps of people who cook so much better than me, but the food is edible, and people appreciate it. I'm just being obedient to the Lord. More later.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/12/2005 9:29:41 AM)
I thought I'd continue on with the spiritual gifts thing a bit. Other giftings I have? Let's see. I hope this doesn't come across as me big noting myself. That is certainly not my intention. I have these gifts because the Lord has chosen to bless through them. People tell me that I have the gift of healings. I know that there have been times when I have prayed for people, and the Lord seems to have used my hands to cook them. I don't usually feel anything, but the people concerned seem to feel the Lord's warmth eminating out of them. People have felt relief after being prayed for. There are times when the Lord may choose to use me in the areas of wisdom, knowledge, distinguishing of spirits and the prophetic. I don't see myself as a prophet, by any means, but there are times when the Lord leads me in that way. These can be used at times during praying for healing for somebody, or when the Lord wants to encourage somebody. Encouragement is something else that the Lord also seems to use me for. I find it interesting that the Lord should choose to give me the gifts of wisdom, knowledge and distinguising of spirits. I can't remember whether I mentioned it before, but prior to becoming a Christian, I was involved in the occult. I always seemed to just "know" things about situations/circumstances. Back then, I was also very aware of any spiritual presence around me. I had no idea where the information came from at the time. Now I have more of an idea. In any case, the Lord uses it now for HIS glory. I'm open to His leading and use it wherever He wants me to. I love being able to help and bless people. I think the Lord is growing me more in the area of helps. Yesterday, I volunteered again to help do some administrative stuff for a Jack Deere/Rick Joyner conference that is coming up at our church in August. I definitely don't think I have the gift of administration, but I don't mind helping, even doing mundane tasks. That's all I can think of for now.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/14/2005 12:17:32 PM)
Hi everybody. It's Sunday morning here and I've got a few things on my mind. For some reason, anniversaries have become a big thing for me. Today is 7 years since my sister in law called me to tell me that my mum was in hospital, dying. She had congestive heart failure. My family wanted me to come home to New Zealand to be there. My brothers were going to try and raise the money to get me home, one way, and they were thinking that I could stay on to look after my dad. He was frail from age and a stroke and had alzheimers disease. He didn't recognise my oldest brother, thinking that he was just a friend of our other brother who lived in the same city as him, (dad). He wouldn't have known me. I made all sorts of phone calls, and the last one told me that if I left the country, my social security payments would be stopped, and I'd have to wait 6 months to be eligible for anything. It probably sounds really selfish, but that was one of the reasons that I didn't go home. Who wouldn't drop everything and go home if they were told that their mother was dying, and not expected to make it through the night. It really tore me apart not to be going home. There was a huge part of me that wanted to go home. In reality, I knew that I couldn't go. Just months earlier, I had to stop studying as I was going through burnout. Most important of all though, I felt the last time I left New Zealand, that the Lord was telling me that I was not to go back. All the phone calls that day, apart from the last one, had me thinking that maybe I could go home. The call to social security, to me, was a reminder of what I felt the Lord impress upon me about not going back. My mum lasted another month or so. I talked to her less than a week before she died. She sounded so good, and I was so hopeful that the Lord had answered my prayers and healed her. I didn't know that that was sometimes normal in somebody who was dying. I was not expecting the call to say that she had finally died. When I got the call to say my mother was in hospital dying, I called John and Joan for support. They came over as quick as they could, and were great about the whole thing. They wanted me to come and stay over at their home for a few days, but I didn't go straight away, as I knew my family wouldn't know where to contact me if anything happened. There were problems with my house mate at the time, and I didn't feel comfortable in sharing the information with her. So 7 years on Monday, I came to live with them. It WAS only supposed to be for a few days, but it just kept stretching out until they decided that they didn't want me to go home. Seven years later, and I'm still here. Monday, my best friend is going to hospital to see whether her diagnosed melanoma was completely removed from her back. She had been regularly seeing the doctor, and 2 years ago, she asked him to remove this particular mole. He didn't want to, saying that it would leave a nasty scar. Not so long ago, he finally did his job, only to have the results come back saying that it was/is melanoma. I hope they've got it all and she doesn't need treatment. She's not a Christian, and I know that it worries her. Her dad died of a brain tumour a few years back, so there's a family history of cancer. His death tore her family apart, and I know that she still has deep, unresolved issues due to all that happened with him. She's suffered from clinical depression long before his illness, and now it has intensified massively. Monday afternoon is craft group again for me. I need to get a few things for the group that morning in readiness for the afternoon. One of my group are having surgery that morning, so she won't be able to come, but others who've been away for different reasons will be able to make it back again this week. It should be a good time. I'm just resting this weekend. I've got a few bugs, and I don't want to pass them on. I don't think ear infections are catchy, but I daresay, there's more than just ear infections going on with me. I don't know how much I'll be online for the rest of the weekend. We're forcasted to have more thunderstorms over the weekend and days to come. We sure need the rain though.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/22/2005 4:41:39 AM)
Hi everybody. It's been a while since I've posted in here, so I thought I'd better do something about it. There have been several storms here this week. Lots of people have lost their homes and we nearly had fatalities. Thankfully there wasn't more damage. Things have been interesting for me. I haven't been well again, which has been a pain. I'm looking forward to feeling well again. Hopefully soon. There's been some internal storms going on in me too. I've found that I haven't been my usual self. I find that I get online and can't think of things to say. I've been reading what people have been saying, when I get online. I haven't been online as much lately. I don't seem to get as interested in things these days. I don't know whether it's depression, whether it's the new medication, or a combination. Things that I used to find pleasurable, I no longer find to be so. I still love spending time online with friends, but I don't get to do it as often. I still wasn't feeling as well this morning, but I just felt to try and get to church. I did get there. I can't explain it, but it felt really weird. When I came home, I had a talk to John and Joan about how I've been feeling, and what happened at church this morning. Like me, we're trying to figure out how much of this is due to depression and how much is due to depression. I talked to them about how I've lost interest in things and how I don't know what to say these days to people. We've come to the conclusion that I'm going through a stage where I'm just feeling stale. I haven't been getting out as much lately, due to being sick and also feeling like I just couldn't handle being around others. Things that used to entertain and stimulate me, (not the people here), have all changed or have stopped being that for me. That, tied in with the change in meds I think, have all seen me go through a dampening stage. We've also come to the conclusion that God has given me a wakeup call. I'm not living a balanced life right now and I need to work on that. They were talking this morning at church about giving out of your time, money, resources, energy etc. How we should get out of debt so that we can be free to give to others. I know that I have laybys (layaways), that I need to get paid off. I'm going to budget in order to be able to do that. I know that it's manageable as I've deliberately done it that way. My tendency would be to say that once all of that is paid off, not to buy any more so that I can get money saved and have to spend on Godly activities, such as more compassion cooking and maybe doing something like voice lessons again. I feel as though I'm not doing anything. I'm either asleep, online, or watching TV these days. The TV doesn't really interest me, but I seem to watch it anyway. I also don't feel at the moment like I could be doing anything. I just want to let the world pass without me. I know that's not a normal reaction for me. I seem more introverted and self centred. I really need to stop doing that. I need to become more others centred again. I'm so busy NOT interacting with people at the moment, and they are missing out on being able to do things with me. I need to get more of a balance. Right now, I'm out of balance. As usual, I'm at one extreme, and I have to be careful not to go to the other extreme. I know that's what I normally do, so I have to be aware of not doing that again. There are so many things that feel out of my control. Things that need to be balanced. Finances, I can work on. Admittedly, I'd like to have more so that I can bless others with. Doctors have told me in the past that doing activities will help me physically and emotionally. I need to do more of that in order to help myself. As Dr Phil would say, I need to get plugged back in to my environment. For a long time, I just gave and gave and gave, and now I've gone to the other extreme. Healthwise, it's a real struggle. Facing facts, I don't think the gastric banding has worked for me. I know that I need to work harder on my weight loss. I know that I'm a part of my own problem there, and I can take steps to try and work on that, but I'm not the only one who feels as though the banding hasn't been as helpful as it could have been. That will be a struggle, but it's going to be something that I can continue working on. Losing weight will help with some of the other medical conditions that I have, which will be good. Other things like the increased blood levels at oncology is something that I can't control. I have to learn not to worry about those things, and hand them over to God and keep them there. I'm going to have to work on that one. Yesterday, we had some friends come over to visit. One of them was talking about how hard things can be, and I have to admit how much I agree with her. I found myself wishing that everybody was evangelised so that we could all go home to heaven. Am I feeling suicidal? No. I'm just extremely tired and homesick. I've had enough, and just wish I could go home. I don't think God has those plans for me yet, so I get to stick around. Life at the moment is a big struggle. I feel like I've got no energy left to fight with. I've been fighting for so long, and I just need to recharge. What form that will take, at this stage, I don't know. I don't know whether God will call me to less time on Crosswalk at some point. If that happens, I know that I will definitely miss my friends. I'm not sure how all of this will work out, but I know that with God's help, it will. If you think of me, maybe the Lord will put a prayer on your heart for me. If He does, then I'd really appreciate it. I know that there are several friends here who do pray for me, and I'm so thankful. The Lord has been very gracious in granting me some wonderful friends. He's used you to help me so much through my journey, and I know that He will continue to do so. Lessons that I've learned through so many of you, your faithful friendship and prayers. You're all so precious to me and I thank HIM for you. You truly are a blessing. Wow. This sounds like I'm saying goodbye. As far as I know, I'm not. I'll still be around, but I'm not sure in what quantity. One day at a time, one step at a time. I have to learn to get more balanced, and continue working with the Lord. To not be so self centred. I need to listen to Him more and find out more what He wants me to do. I have to take my eyes off of myself, and back onto Him and the things that He wants me involved in. Back onto helping and ministering to others. Thankyou dear friends for everything. We've had lots of laughs, prayed through all sorts of things for each other. You're always a part of my thoughts and prayers. I know that's going to continue for a very long time.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/22/2005 11:38:40 AM)
Just when you thought you got rid of me, I'm back. [8D] I'm feeling sad as tonight we got news of one of the families that we've been taking meals to. They had a little girl who was about 8 months old. She's had serious health problems from the start with her brain, lungs and other major organs. She's been in and out of hospital her whole life. She has 4 older brothers who are only young. They've been trying to be so understanding when her parents have had to focus so much of their time and energy on her. At church this morning, one of the pastors asked for prayer for her family, as they've really been finding things tough. This evening, little Whitney passed away. I wish that I could do so much to help her family. Yes, I can take meals, but it just doesn't seem like enough. [:(] I don't know about you, but the Lord often speaks to me through music. John and I decided to have a game of skipbo to try and relax. I put on a CD to play in the background, as both of us like listening to music. I don't know if you've heard of the CD, but it's called "I Can Only Imagine - Ultimate Power Anthems Of The Christian Faith". It has various artists singing on it. I don't know whether the Lord was trying to get my attention with it. I hadn't thought about what I'd put in the CD player, but song after song, I could hear things that I could connect with. I thought I'd share excerpts of the songs with you. I don't know whether you know any of these songs, but if you do, please bear with me. The first song was called "Basics Of Life" by 4Him. What really hit me was the chorus and bridge. The lyrics go like this: We need to get back To the basics of life A heart that is pure And a love that is blind A faith that is fervently grounded in Christ The hope that endures for all times These are the basics, we need to get back To the basics of life BRIDGE We�ve let the darkness invade us too long We�ve got to turn the tide Oh and we need the passion that burned long ago To come and open our eyes There�s no room for compromise To me, it was like a reminder of what I need to do. I need to get back to basics with God to get myself back in a place of balance. The next song is called "I'll Be Believing". It's by Point of Grace. Here I'll put the verses. When I'm walking the straight and narrow Sometimes life throws a little curve If I slip on the stones beneath me Will I lose my nerve? Looking up when I've hit the bottom Giving thanks that the motion's stopped I still have a rock to hold to If the bottom drops Out here on my own I won't be alone I'll keep believing You If I find all my hopes are hollow Even if all my wells run dry If I'm left here with next to nothing And I don't know why I'm here on my own I won't be alone I'll keep believing You Here's where I need to focus more on God. Through everything I'm going through, I need to keep believing God and gain even more of a tenacity for God that lasts no matter what. The next song is "Place In This World" by Michael W Smith. I so relate to this as this is exactly what I'm trying to do right now. It seems like I've been trying to do it for so long now, but even more at the moment. CHORUS: Looking for a reason Roaming through the night to find My place in this world My place in this world Not a lot to lean on I need Your light to help me find My place in this world My place in this world If there are millions Down on their knees Among the many Can you still hear me? Hear me asking Where do I belong? Is there a vision That I can call my own? Show me I'm The next song that came on was Sarah Groves' "The Word". Looking at it realistically and honestly, I have to be guilty of this. I've done every devotional Been every place emotional Trying to hear a new word from God And I think it's very odd That while I attmept to help myself My Bible sits upon my shelf With every promise I could ever need CHORUS: And the Word was And the Word is And the Word will be Next is Mercy Me's song, "I Can Only Imagine". The whole song gets to me. I wonder what it will be like to stand before Jesus. It also reminds me of young Whitney, and I wonder what she is seeing right now. It will be so good not for her to be in pain anymore. As much as I'd like to write out the whole song, I know that I can't. Here again is another excerpt. I can only imagine What it will be like When I walk By Your side I can only imagine What my eyes will see When Your face Is before me I can only imagine [Chorus]: Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all I can only imagine Further into the CD, was Bob Carlisle's "Butterfly Kisses". Again, it brought memories of Whitney, and thinking about her family and the things that they will miss out on. She's their only daughter, and I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a child. It's going to be so tough on them. There's a lot of other things there that I felt I got out of the songs, but it would be too long to post on here. I hope that I haven't bored you all too much. I'll talk to you all again another time.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/25/2005 11:26:00 AM)
Hi everybody. I've had a busy day today. One of the things I did was go to little Whitney's funeral. I never met her, but I've certainly had contact with her parents. They are such amazing people. Have they struggled with her death? Yes. They probably will for some time yet. They don't see the lost years that they'll never get to spend with her, but rather focus on the time they were given to spend with her. That family is just so amazing. Whitney has 3 older brothers. Two of them wouldn't even be school age yet. During the funeral, the father told of how her sisters used to go past the olive oil in the kitchen and go into her room and anoint her with the sign of the cross on her forhead and pray for her. What faith they have, and what grace God has given to them. Truly amazing. They have felt the Lord's grace and mercy with them. They told of midnight rendezvous at the hospital when Whitney hasn't been well. They thanked one of the nursing staff one night for all they were doing, and they just said that it was ok, she's family. We heard stories of how sometimes the nurses would gather into Whitney's room late at night, and make her into a princess and take pictures of her, and present them to her parents the next morning. What precious gifts to have. They were so appreciative of all the help they've been given. They will certainly have more help for some time yet. There were some at the funeral who'd had a lot to do with Whitney. Some had never met her before. They had a montage of pictures and video clips for us to see. What an adorable little girl. Your heart just melted to see her. Just in the 11 months that she was alive, she had such an impact on the lives of people around her. Not just in terms of her needs etc, but the way that she just taught about tenacity and hanging on in the midst of all her struggles. It really made me wonder what sort of an impact have I made on people throughout my life. This little life touched so many people. What have I done to impact the lives of others? What have you done to impact the lives of others? What will be my legacy when my life is finally over? I need to strive towards becoming more of a positive impact on the lives of the people around me. I need to spend more time asking the Lord in what ways He wants to use me better for His kingdom.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (6/1/2005 11:47:38 AM)
Hi everybody. Not much going on around here. We had a craft exhibition in Perth last week. I went with a couple of friends. Just as well I didn't have much money on me, but I spent thousands in my heads. I got some websites to look at and maybe order things through at some point. Some was so nice that I was just about drooling! Cross stitches, quilting and stitchery type things. Lots of different crafts. I'll have to see how I go at making things now. I haven't been terribly busy of late. I've got an infection that is not helping my ability to breathe right now. I feel like I've hit face first into a brick wall. Not a pleasant feeling. I'll live. Just need to take some time to relax. I'm trying to get some sleep whenever I can get it. I haven't mastered sleeping throughout the whole night yet whilst I'm like this. Hopefully that will all change soon.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (6/5/2005 8:13:03 PM)
Hi everybody. Wow, I really thought that it had been a lot longer since I last posted. Oh well, it seems you get me again. Still not much going on with me of late. Still have this infection. I'm really looking forward to getting rid of it. What to write about today? Maybe something I wish I could do and something that I aspire to. I don't know if it will ever happen, but let's give this a go anyway. Anybody who knows me, knows I LOVE music! I love all sorts of music. I don't have the wide knowledge that some of my friends have. I've got pretty eclectic tastes, but still don't know as much as a lot of my friends. Anybody who knows me well, knows that I love to sing too. I'm not as good as most others, and I'm not even where I'd like to be in terms of singing. Mind you, I think I have fairly high standards of where I'd like to be. I hear so many voices and wish I sounded more like them. Not EXACTLY like them, but have a more professional sounding voice, a lot more voice control, a better range (even though I've got about a 3 octave range), the ability to not let out too much breath in the middle of my notes and then run out before the end of the phrase etc. I did do some voice lessons a few years back. I sang and my singing teacher told me that my voice would have far more power than a 45 minute sermon. I don't know that I'd go that far. John gets angry about my singing. Not that he doesn't like it or thinks I should stop. Far from it! If anything, it upsets him that I don't REALLY let rip. What do I mean? I'm so self conscious that I don't REALLY let go and give it everything. I'm always so guarded. Like a lot of people, I was put down a lot over the years. A lot of that happened from my family. It's like I've been stifled by the whole thing and can't break through it. John knows that, for me, it's because of the way that things weren't nurtured by my family and particularly, my parents. I know that I can't blame other people for things that have happened. I know that it still has an effect however. I'm forever singing around the house to whatever music I've got playing etc. There is a part of me that wants so much more though. I'd love to be a better singer and really sing for the Lord. I don't mean recording contract or whatever. I certainly wouldn't have the confidence for that. There's a part of me that would like to be part of our worship team at church. Not because I want to be the centre of attention. Far from it. I'm way too shy in front of people. I just want to be able to help people into the presence of God through worship. There's a desire in my heart to write songs too. It's been many, many years since I did musical notation. I wouldn't be able to do it now if I tried! I was always much better picking things up by ear, (ok, let me rephrase that as I know there will be some snickering friends around at this point. LOL! I can figure music out better by hearing them, rather than reading the sheet music). I wouldn't know where to start in writing songs. I wouldn't know who to ask for help in that department either. Music has always been a real love of mine. I wish I could minister to people in song, and have the courage and confidence to be able to do it in the freedom that the Lord has for me. I've been involved in choirs over the years. Both in school and also at church. There was talk about having a choir for the upcoming conference when Jack Deere and Rick Joyner come. I've told the worship director of my interest to be involved, but so far, I haven't heard anything back about it. I remember many years ago, being at a friend's church. We were having worship and I was aware that somebody was singing in such a way that really took my breath away. It was so beautiful. I'd never heard anything like it before. I was straining to hear their voice in the midst of the throng of voices as they sang "Amazing Grace". I couldn't get over how beautiful it sounded. I kept thinking that God had really given this person a wonderful gift in their voice. In time, I located the owner of the voice and it totally shocked me! The voice had been mine! I know that God had taken over my voicebox, as I don't normally sing anything like that. I sound completely different. Maybe it was a glimpse of what my voice sounds like unencumbered. I don't know. It sure would be interesting to find out. Sometimes I wonder whether God wants me to be involved in music. I know that there is a very real desire there, but I don't know what God wants me to do about it. I've been thinking about going back to doing voice lessons, but financially I don't know that I could swing it. Even if I could though, I don't know that I'd physically be up for it. The reason that I stopped going last time was because my depression was so bad that I just couldn't cope. I've been talking to John and Joan about it again for a while, and again, that is the area of concern. I wouldn't be able to handle it due to depression. I go in, all excited thinking that I can do it, then before long, I'm a mess. I guess the Lord will have to lead me in that area if He wants me involved. Well, that's all from me for this time. Talk to you again later.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (6/6/2005 5:42:13 AM)
Hi everybody. Back again. I talked earlier in my blog about a doctor who got me diagnosed with poly cystic ovaries syndrome. A couple of years ago, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. We found out by accident this afternoon that she died yesterday morning. Apparently it was announced at church yesterday morning, but as the 3 of us were home, unwell, we didn't get to church. People assumed that we were there yesterday to hear the news. A friend noticed we hadn't been at church yesterday, and assumed that we were with the family. They were/are personal friends as well as having her as our past doctor. She passed on condolences to us. We thought we'd better find out for sure, and sure enough, she had gone. I'm feeling pretty numb. John and Joan have been particularly upset, with John physically shaking after talking to the husband. I've never seen him like that before. I know that he was dreading the call as he is so close to the family. The first thing Joan said was that she was the woman who saved my life. It's true. If the cysts hadn't been found when they were, I would have been in serious trouble. No date has been set for the funeral yet, but we already know that we will be going. It's all very sad, but at least we know she is not in any pain any more. If you think of it, would you please pray for us, but more particularly for her family. Her husband and children are Christians, but she has family members who are still practicing hindus. Her husband, despite being a doctor, is taking it particularly hard. He is absolutely devastated. Thanks everybody.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (6/8/2005 12:06:21 PM)
Just a quick message. Please pray for me as Monday is going to be a stressful day. Monday afternoon is going to be the funeral. Before the ceremony, they are going to have a time to view the body. I know that I just couldn't handle that. It's part of my culture and all, but I just couldn't take it. Monday morning, before the funeral, I have to go to Social Security. Apparently I'm up for review again for my disability pension. I'm just hoping that they're not going to ask me to try and get back to work. I'm just not ready for it. If I could, I would, but for now, I can't. I'm feeling pretty stressed out about the review. That's enough from me for now.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (6/10/2005 11:41:18 PM)
Hi everybody. Still storms going on around here. I'm not liking them, and I'll be glad when they're done. I had a doctor's appointment on Thursday. Things are going to be interesting for a while. I'm being referred to another doctor to see if he can help with the poly cystic ovarian syndrome I have. I'm just putting on more and more weight, and it isn't helping things. Being sick, I haven't been able to exercise, and my appetite is going through the roof. I am really not looking forward to going back and seeing the surgeon in a couple of weeks. He told me that I needed to lose at least 12lbs before I saw him again. I've put on more than that. He is going to freak! [sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif] I gotta admit, I'm not impressed with that either. I really need to stop doing that and get control of my weight again. One of the meds that I've been taking to try and deal with depression has a side effect of increasing appetite. I can't blame it entirely on that, as my appetite was escalating before that. My doctor has decided to take me off that med and leave me on the one that I've been taking with it. I'm really not looking forward to that as when I take that one alone, I have a very bumpy ride, physically and emotionally. I'm a crying, miserable mess. The doctor has told me to increase my calmatives to get me through this. He would rather me be addicted to the calmatives than have the effects of the other med. He said it takes 8 weeks to come off the addiction to the calmatives. I'm not impressed, but I know I can't keep putting weight on. I don't know what to do. In any case, with the funeral and my review appointment being on Monday, I won't do it before then. I don't need to be a raving lunatic at either of those. It would make life extremely difficult for all those around me if I started now. All I can say is, "God help me!"

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