RE: A life to cherish

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cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (6/19/2005 8:23:36 PM)
Hi everybody. Well this week has been a tough week, not only for me, but for so many I know. Monday, my doctor friend was laid to rest. There were so many people there to say goodbye. Many people that I hadn't see in such a long time. Monday, we heard too about SharMar's CS. I can't begin to imagine what that is like. I've lost parents, but not somebody as close as a spouse. My prayers are sure with her, as I know many others are. I know many others are grieving too. Not only along with SharMar, but also remembering loved ones that they have lost in time gone past. I wish that I could just reach through the computer, or better yet, meet my brothers and sisters, and put my arms around them. I know too a little of how they are feeling. The 19th of June is the anniversary of my mother's death. This year it is 7 years since she left this earth. I've found myself wondering if I was a good daughter to my parents. Whether my behaviour was the cause of any of the problems that we had between us. There have been lost of changes since I came to Christ. In my growing up years, I was forever being told by my parents that I had a very cutting tongue. As I talked about earlier, both my parents were alcoholics and in some way, both of my parents were abusive. There were many arguments between them about me. I can't help but feel that I was the cause of so many of the problems that were experienced. I did love my mum and dad. I guess it's times like these that it just makes you think all the more and wonder how things could have been done better. Not that I can change anything about the past now. Both of my parents have passed on. I'm disappointed in myself and disappointed that I didn't get to be closer to my family. One thing that has really made me sit up and think has been the passing of SharMar's CS. It makes me think that we never know when somebody's time will be. Sometimes it's expected, and sometimes it's not. As my pastor says, "Put the flowers on somebody's grave whilst they are still alive". To me, that is so wise. Don't wait until a person has passed on to tell them how important they are to you. How much you love them. What good is it, once they are gone, if they never knew how you felt when they were alive? I'm not saying that SharMar, or others, have done this. It just made me realise that I don't know that I've told people how much I love them and appreciate them. I'd rather not wait until people pass on to tell them that I love them. It's better to take the opportunity to know whilst they are still living. To that end, I just want to make sure you all know how much I love you. You are all such special people, absolutely precious to me. God has used you in such awesome ways to bless me. I want to thank all of you for everything that you are to me. I'm so glad that God has brought you all into my life. I'm all the richer for knowing you all. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you all a huge hug, or better yet, in person. Maybe one day, I'll get to do that. In the meantime, I plan on being around to encourage, love, support and pray for you all. I know that you've all been doing that for me. Take care, my friends.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (6/29/2005 12:39:30 PM)
Hi everybody. Wow, seems like an eternity since I last posted in here. As some of you know, I haven't been well. I've had an extremely infected ear, and have been on antibiotics and ear drops. I thought I was going to need a procedure done yesterday, but thankfully didn't have to. If it doesn't clear up soon, I'll have to have one, but a different one than originally talked about with the doctor. Things have been pretty tough of late. Not only with feeling unwell and exhausted so much of the time. My body, thoughts and emotions are going through so many things right now. I'm going to be starting a lot of medical appointments in the next week or so. Going back to see the surgeon about my weight. Going to see another doctor about going onto some experimental meds to help with my health. Oncology will be coming up in July as well. I've got other medical appointments coming up too. I'm seriously not looking forward to it. For so long, what's been happening with my weight has been really getting me down. I keep seeing it plateaued around a certain weight, and I know at the moment, it's increasing a lot more than I would like it to. I haven't been able to exercise with not feeling so well, and suffering from the exhaustion that I have. I don't know what's wrong with me, but there's a part of me that really doesn't care that I'm putting on weight. Sure, there's a part of me that's terrified about what the surgeon is going to say when he finds out what's happened. I know that there is a part of me that is rebelling against everything. Part of me is so stressed out that I'm just not handling things as well as normal. John suggested asking the surgeon if we could take some time off seeing him for a while to enable me to get over all the things I need to, and get back on track. Hopefully he'll let me do that, but I'm not hopeful. We'll pray about it in any case and see what happens. I know that he's told me that I need to stop emotional eating. I realise that I have to do that too, but it's easier said than done. I haven't come off the med that increases appetite and puts on weight yet. I just couldn't handle the thing of being so emotional on top of everything else that's going on. With our friend's funeral, I just couldn't bear to show up being the basket case that I know that I would have been if I'd come off the meds like I was supposed to. John is in the process of changing meds as well for his epilepsy, so to have both of us changing meds at the same time, would have been too much. I'll see what the doctor says about the experimental drugs and see if he would take me off them if I'm eligible for the programme. There's no guarantees there. So many things up in the air at the moment. There's more that I could say, but I think I'll end that here for now. Talk to you again soon.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (7/3/2005 10:54:47 AM)
Hi everybody. It's been an interesting weekend. Yesterday would have been my dad's birthday, had he still been with us. I had forgotten to send him a birthday card the year he died. Something I don't feel too proud of. Next Saturday will be the anniversary of his death. I know that there are several other people how are grieving right now. I shouldn't be complaining. John has a spiritual gifts class here tomorrow morning. My craft group comes in the afternoon. We won't have a full group, as it's the start of school holidays here. Got more things to say, but I don't think I'll be doing it now.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (7/5/2005 9:00:23 AM)
Back again. I'm feeling pretty apprehensive at the moment as I know that tomorrow afternoon, my time, I go back to see the surgeon about the gastric banding I had done back in October. Things were working ok in the beginning, but I have to admit that I actually lost more weight before I had surgery. There was a new antidepressant out that helped with hunger suppression, and that really was helpful. As usual with me, in time, the med ceased to stop working. I continued to exercise when I could and tried watching what I eat. I have to admit that my appetite has gone ballistic again. [&o] I know for a fact that I've put on plenty of weight rather than taking it back off. I feel like a real failure as I know that he was telling me that he didn't think I was trying hard enough, and told me how much weight he expected me to have lost by the time I come back to him. I know part of the eating has been due to stress. I know that he wasn't happy about that last time, telling me that I need to handle stress better, rather than by eating at those times. I do agree with him, and for a while, I was able to do that. I haven't been able to keep it up though unfortunately. I know there's also a part of me that is in rebellion. I honestly did try to get my eating down to 800 calories a day like I was told. It got down a lot, but I never fully got it there. Then, I know that I did something wrong. Something took over and it was like I didn't care about how much weight I was putting on anymore. I'm really ashamed about that. It was not the brightest thing that I could have done. Now I know that I have more weight to lose when I get back onto the weight loss thing. I will get myself back into a place where I lose the weight again. I'm not sure when, but I will. I need to change my attitudes again and work harder on doing more beneficial things. I'll keep you posted about how that goes.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (7/6/2005 11:38:09 AM)
I just thought I'd let people know what happened today at the surgeon's. I know some of you have been asking about it. Things went about as well as they could have, I guess. When I was waiting for the surgeon's appointment, I really wanted to run away. He wasn't all that impressed with my weight gain. He didn't rant and rave like I was thinking that he might, but there were some telling signs that he wasn't entirely pleased with the situation. He started by asking me how things were going, and I actually forgot how to talk. [sm=icon_smile_blush.gif][sm=sadquestion.gif][sm=shakinghead.gif][sm=popsigh.gif] I had absolutely no idea what to say to him. He asked a couple of questions, some of which I could answer, the rest just stayed blank. John came in with me, and I can tell there were plenty of people praying about the whole situation. There were times when John just had to take over because I just didn't have the words, or couldn't put them in the right sequence to make any sense. We gave him a quick run down of how I've been healthwise of late. We also gave him a list of medical appointments I've got coming up (oncology amongst other things). All of which are causing me a lot of stress. On Friday I'm going to see another doctor who deals with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome), something that I have. He is trialing experimental drugs that help with weight loss in patients with PCOS. The surgeon didn't come out bashing the idea, but it didn't take a genius to figure that he wasn't happy. The look on his face showed it, as well as the, "It's only experimental" spiel. I can see why he has cause for concern, but apparently, the drug that we're going to see if I qualify for, also deals with depression in PCOS patients. It's helping in a number of areas, from the anecdotal evidence we know of. I just know that my level of depression has well and truly worsened in the last little while, and I can't keep ballooning with my weight the way I am. The surgeon is going to be writing to my usual doctor today and telling him that I need counselling. I really don't like that idea. I've been down the counselling road several times, and I know that when it gets time to go again, my body just starts feeling sick. Sometimes I can struggle through it to get to appointments, but other times, I just can't get there, no matter how hard I try. I know that I need help though. There are times when I just stuff myself full of food, like when I'm totally stressed, and then there are the times when I go to the other extreme where I can't eat ANYTHING for days on end because it will put weight on. My weight has become something that I'm totally obsessed about. That has to stop. I put enough pressure on myself without added pressure. I guess because I take on what I perceive others to be thinking of me, it doesn't help either. I sincerely expected to get blasted by the surgeon. Thankfully he didn't. Not like I thought he was going to anyway. To me though, I feel like I've failed and just wasted time and money by having surgery. The surgeon was asking about putting the last of the fluid in the band. I wasn't so sure about that, after talking to John and Joan about it. After explaining the situation to the surgeon, he said that he didn't feel comfortable in doing that afterall. Either way, that worked out well. He wants to see me again in a few months. I can postpone it if I don't feel I'm ready, but he just wants me to stay in the system. If I give him a call after I feel I can handle it, it will take months to get me back into the system. It's not going to be an easy road ahead. I know that I need some help though, and I'm going to be getting it. I find the whole thing really scary, but I know that something has to be done. It's another one of those things that I have to learn to balance. It's out of control, and that has to change. I'm not doing myself any good, and there are a lot of ingrained behaviours in there that have to be dealt with. It's going to be a long term process, but I'm really hoping that counselling will be more beneficial this time. This isn't something that I've spoken about here before, as I don't want to worry anybody or get people thinking that I'm after sympathy. I really love the people here, and I have made so many wonderful friends. You have all been used so mightily by the Lord in helping me in so many ways. I will get myself sorted out, but I will need time. I'm going to be getting professional help to get me through my issues, and I hope in time, you will see the positive changes that will happen. In the meantime, I would really covet your prayers. It's going to be tough going for me, but also for John and Joan as they are so close to me. They are extremely supportive of me, and I know that they would also value your prayers whenever you think about it, or the Lord brings us to mind. Thanks.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (7/9/2005 11:21:02 AM)
Hi everybody. Well, it certainly has been an emotional day or two for me. I went to see a doctor yesterday about some things. He and the surgeon that I saw on Wednesday are both telling me that I need counselling. Today, I've had to admit some really hard things about myself, not only to myself, but to John and Joan. It most certainly hasn't been pleasant, but I think in the long run, it will help in the healing process. Hopefully the counsellors will be able to deal with the issues that I have. It won't be easy, but I know that I have some behaviours and issues that seriously need to be dealt with.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (7/10/2005 1:26:32 AM)
Things have been very emotional, especially over the last 24 hours. Yesterday, July 9th, is the anniversary of my dad's death. This year he's been gone 4 years. I can't believe it's been that long. As I mentioned in my previous post, I've had some things to deal with myself. They are not exactly little things, and I know that counselling is going to be needed. I will be getting counselling. I have to admit that in trying to deal with those things, I feel guilty in not thinking more about my dad and remembering his day. I don't know if that's morbid or what it is. In any case, it's another thing for me to learn to deal with. It looks like it's going to be a big learning curve for me in the next while. I have so much to learn.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (7/14/2005 12:22:29 PM)
Things continue not to be terribly easy for me right now. I don't want to go into details, but let's just say that there is potentially something seriously wrong happening right now. I've got an appointment with my doctor on Monday morning, so hopefully that will get the ball started in getting me some help in that area. Oncology is also coming up for me on Tuesday afternoon. Seems like I'm going from one medical appointment to another at the moment. I'm growing more and more frustrated with myself at the moment. There's a part of me that wants to talk, but I'm very conscious that I'm just saying the same things over and over again. That's not terribly helpful. It just leaves John feeling as though there's nothing he can do to help. At the moment, I don't know what they could do to help. The first step will be seeing the doctor, but that's a few days away. My brain is running at a million miles an hour thinking about what's happening with me at the moment, and I can't seem to shut it off. There are so many questions running through my head. Asking God why things are happening. What's going to happen if things work out the way that they possibly could. How it's going to affect the people around me. I know that it will if things go the way I think they will on Monday. I know this doesn't make much sense because I haven't shared the nature of what's going on. I just ask that if you think of me, that you would offer up a prayer on my behalf. If you could include John and Joan in that prayer too, that would be great. Thanks everybody.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (7/19/2005 5:18:46 AM)
Busy days have been had lately. I talked earlier about there being many doctor's appointments. Yesterday, I went to see my usual doctor and got a referral for some particular counselling. There's some things going on that really need to get addressed. I sent the referral off yesterday afternoon, so I should know soon the outcome of all of that. It's pretty scarey, I won't deny it, but I know that it's something that needs to be done. If I get accepted, then hopefully it won't just be me benefitting from the help, but also John and Joan. It's not going to be easy on them. I had oncology today. That was ok. I have to go back in 6 months. The blood tests showed that my levels haven't raised anymore, which is a blessing. It seems from all accounts that there's no cancer there. PRAISE THE LORD!!! [sm=funny.gif][sm=smile-l.gif][sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=biggrin.gif][sm=sidesmile.gif][sm=tonguehappy.gif][sm=funny.gif] That's one less thing to be concerned about. Whilst I'm here, I just want to say thanks to all those who pray for me. I didn't know until I was tipped off by Darcy that Bill had started off a prayer thread for me. I so appreciate the way that you love, support, encourage and pray for me. I could never say thankyou enough. You're all such wonderful people, and I am honoured to be able to call you all my friends.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (7/19/2005 5:23:54 AM)
Oh, I knew there was something else that I wanted to share. Like I think that I've mentioned before, the Lord often ministers to me in song. The last couple of days, I've had a particular song constantly going through my mind. It just won't quit. Maybe it isn't meant to. It's a song that came out many years ago. I don't even know if it's still in print, or available these days. I've got it on an old CD. The song is by Bob Fitts and is called He Will Come And Save You. Here's an excerpt of the song. HE WILL COME AND SAVE YOU Say to those who are fearful hearted Do not be afraid The Lord your God is strong And with His mighty arms When you call out His Name He will come and save He will come and save you He will come and save you Say to the weary one Your God will surely come He will come and save you He is our refuge in the day of trouble He is our shelter in the time of storm He is our tower in the day of sorrow Our fortress in the time of war

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (7/25/2005 10:23:36 AM)
Ok. I admit it. Today has not been one of my better days. Not that anything terribly wrong has happened today. I know that I've felt tired and achey. Emotionally I've been feeling pretty raw. I'm going through times when I feel better than others, as we all do, and this is one of the not so good times. John and Joan wanted to go out to a movie this morning and wanted me to go along as well. I did. We had some shopping to do whilst we were out, and I had some errands to run. Normally that would be enough to keep me really happy. I don't know what happened today. I normally like movies, and yet it was as though I was sitting watching paint dry. Nothing has felt real. Admittedly, I know that I've been under a fair amount of stress, but no more than others, I don't think. I think of the things that others are going through, and it really makes me think that I have no right to complain. I have a roof over my head. I have friends. I don't have an incurable disease. I have people around me who love me, support me, pray for me, encourage me. Oh boy, do I need an attitude adjustment?! God please help me.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (7/29/2005 12:15:08 PM)
I think I mentioned to you all in the last little while that I've been referred for some counselling and also help in a medical capacity. I'd been waiting for days to find out if they were going to accept me, and the other day, the head of the department called me and told me that after much discussion with her colleagues, she doesn't feel that I'm the right person for their programme ans she will be writing to my doctor to let him know so. I'm carrying way to much weight for their liking. This is actually in an attempt to help me get my weight back into a better position. She gave me the number of somebody else who deals with obese people (even though the issues are still the same). I called a couple of days ago, and I still haven't heard anything. I know it's not easy when you're not being told the full story, but just let me tell you, that I do need help and I'm really trying to get it. When this doctor seems less than interested in my situation, I just felt as though I was being a fraud and that there's nothing wrong with me. Out of hurt, I started to tell myself and others that there is nothing wrong with me, but friends have been telling me that there are things there that really need to be addressed. I don't know what to do. All sorts of emotions are coming up, and I admit there's a part of me that just wants to run and hide. Pull away from everybody, including my online friends. It's not that you've done anything wrong. You haven't. I just can't help feeling that there is something wrong with me, but that I don't fit into guidelines where I can get help. The person I was pointed to, doesn't seem interested in doing so. I know this all sounds very negative. I do appologise. I just don't know what to do. It's something that I don't feel comfortable sharing with everybody on the world wide web. I know I have friends here, but I don't know who else reads here. That, and it's intensely personal. It's really making me question myself and what I'm doing. Am I really the person that people tell me that I am? I guess only time will help answering that question.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (7/30/2005 7:06:00 AM)
Thanks everybody for your love, prayers and support. I have been feeling pretty down. I told John and Joan this morning how I was feeling about wanting to pull away, and I've just had Joan saying again not to leave all of my friends. I'll get through this. It's just going to be hard. I just ask that you continue with your prayers. I'll try again to contact the person who's number I was given in the hopes that something will be done.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (8/2/2005 11:23:10 AM)
Hey everybody. Just dropping in to say hi. Thanks again for all of your love, support, encouragement and prayers. I really do appreciate it. Hopefully soon, things will become more clear in terms of where I can get medical help. I have an appointment next week with a doctor who can tell me more about the options that I have. It's not going to be cheap. God's going to have to provide. Things are still not feeling particularly easy for me, but I'm settling down more in terms of thinking about what I'll do about this place. All of my friends are here and I love you all so much. I'm going to hang around, because the truth is, I'd miss you all too much if I weren't here. So, it looks as though you're all going to be stuck with me for a while longer yet. [8D]

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (8/3/2005 9:44:06 PM)
Well, it's been a busy couple of days with promise of more of it to come. Yesterday, (Wednesday), I worked down at the church office helping with the administration on the Jack Deere/Rick Joyner conference. I took John and Joan out for afternoon tea as a treat. For some strange reason, I started getting the feeling that I needed to start buying more supplies for more compassion meals. I grabbed a couple of things, but knew I would be going out today so I could get more of what I was looking for. We've had a programme called 'boost' running down at church for the last couple of months, where meals can be collected and handed out for outreach, or just families who need them for some reason. Last night, we had a call to see if there were any more meals. I hadn't made any for a while with boost being on. We emptied out the freezer of the meals we had. Today, I'm going shopping to get more supplies. If I feel up to it when I get home, I'll start making meals. Tomorrow, I'm back down at the church again. Saturday, I'm setting aside to do a massive cookup to try and stock up the freezer a bit. Sunday, of course, is church. I've told the man who was here yesterday that I would take some more meals on Sunday for him to hand out. This family is really going through a tough time themselves, and it's just a blessing to see them reaching out to others in the way that they are. After that, I'm going to rest, as doing big cookups tend to wreck my back. With the conference starting on Monday, I want to try and be rested. Well, I guess you can't say that I'm going to be bored in the next little while.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (8/9/2005 11:36:41 AM)
Well, it's Tuesday night here and we still have the conference tomorrow to go. What teaching I am absorbing, is good. I found it really hard to concentrate on Rick's sermon yesterday. To me it would have been easier to interpret an ancient Tibetan language. My head just wasn't able to take it in. I found today easier. I enjoyed and understood Rick Joyner better. Jack Deere, has been absolutely excellent. There's been a fair amount of ministry in the past few sessions that he's done. He asked people to come up for prayer if they have life threatening conditions. I am diabetic, so I went up for that. There were some other things I went up for prayer for tonight, but didn't feel comfortable talking to young teens about why I'd gone up. I know that stress has just been building up and up. At different times tonight whilst getting prayer, I just felt like I wanted to scream. I didn't. Emotionally I just kept falling apart. I'd just recover, then it'd happen all over again. I think I shocked a few people around the place. That was never my intention, but it's just the way that things are for me at the moment. I was due to go and see the doctor tomorrow afternoon, but she has rescheduled it for another week. I'll just have to wait for another week to find out what my options are in this health matter. On the 5th of August, I celebrated 15 years since I got baptised in water. I thought that was pretty cool. Well, I'd better get going for this time.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (8/10/2005 12:24:05 PM)
Well, what a time I've had in recent times. A lot of you have known that I've really been struggling with some things. Nothing I really want to go into here, but hard, nevertheless. It's really affected my attitudes and my moods haven't been the greatest of late. It's just left me feeling really, really down. After working on the conference, I was really wanting in the end not to go to the conference. (Strange, I know). There were a lot of times when I just couldn't understand what was being talked about. Not the fault of the speakers, but just sometimes my concentration span just isn't as good as it can be at other times. Monday I found extremely difficult. My concentration span was really bad that day, and it felt as though it would have been easier to interpret some ancient Tibetan dialect than to understand what was being talked about. Yesterday, I understood Rick Joyner more. Probably the clearest I've understood him in the two years that I've heard him speak. I really enjoy listening to Jack Deere. There are some Rick Joyner's books that I can really relate to, but to listen to, I find Jack Deere easier to relate to. I guess I just gravitate to his personality more. Yesterday morning, he got us to turn to a complete stranger and give them a word of prophecy, encouragement from the Lord. What I gave to the person was well received and I could see what was being inferred in my case. It was good. Last night, one of the people that came along with Jack from the US gave part of his testimony of how God healed him after he had a stroke that left him partially paralysed. They called out a number of conditions that they felt that God wanted to minister to. Then they asked if there was anybody who has life threatening conditions to come forward for ministry. I'm diabetic, so I went up the front. I also have a lot of other serious health conditions, so I thought I'd get some prayer. The two people who came to pray for me were inexperienced teenagers, and I found it really hard to have them try to minister to me. Some of the things that I was going to ask for prayer for, were not the kind of thing you discuss with teens, no matter how well intentioned. In any case, as they prayed, I cried. I think a lot of the frustration, pain, hurt etc that I've been feeling was just starting to come up. I don't normally do this, but I kind of felt that I hadn't (in a way) been prayed for, as I couldn't get any prayer for the particular condition that I'm facing. As I said, I didn't feel it appropriate teens. I just sat there for a while with John and just cried and cried and cried. I really didn't think I had that many tears with me. It was so strange that one of the pastor's wives came up to me and asked me if I was ok. With that, I just said no and burst into tears again. I totally lost the plot. I told her what's going on with me, and she just didn't know what to say. She could see why I was so upset, but had absolutely no idea how to minister. I know thought that she will pray. When I finally got out of the church, my face felt so swollen from all the tears I'd cried. Even after I got home, there was no escaping even more tears. I didn't think I had that many tears in me. This morning, I knew that there was to be more ministry. I had absolutely no idea what for, but Jack felt that it would be significant. God had already been talking to him about what he wanted to do for ministry time. I had a feeling I'd be receiving ministry again, but I didn't know what for. Jack started calling out medical conditions, and I thought that maybe God was going to call out a medical condition that I have. Then he told the congregation something that had happened to him the last time he'd come to minister to us. Personally, I was shocked, as I just wasn't expecting it. Straight after that, he started saying that he felt that God wanted to minister to a particular thing, and it had been something that I had talked, almost word for word last night with one of our pastor's wives. Again, many, many tears. I need time to process and recover from all that's going on. Well, that's all from me for now. Till your next instalment.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (8/11/2005 10:22:29 PM)
Ok, it's official. I'm flabbergasted. Stunned. Blown away. You get the general idea. [sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif] I've been sitting here minding my own business when Joan came in with some mail for me. I was thinking that it would just be another bill and saw it was from my church. I thought maybe it might be a thankyou for helping with the conference, but it wasn't. Anybody who knows me, knows I love worship. Over the years, I've been in different choirs from school and church. I haven't been part of the church choir for a little while as they either haven't had one, or I haven't been well enough to participate. Anyway, it seems that there is a vocal workshop being held at my church next week. The Wesley Institute Choir is coming, along with its principal, Dr David Johnston. I've been invited to join the workshop! [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif][sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif][sm=funny.gif][sm=eek.gif][sm=sidesmile.gif][sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=tonguehappy.gif][sm=icon_smile_sing.gif][sm=smile-l.gif] I hear that it is an internationally acclaimed Christian tertiary institute based in Sydney. I can't get over the timing of all of this. Such a tough time of things of late. So many tears etc at the conference. This workshop happening on Tuesday night, and then the important doctor's appointment on Wednesday afternoon. Maybe God is trying to take my mind off of the stress of Wednesday afternoon by giving me Tuesday night. I don't know why, but the desire to be more involved in worship has been increasing in me for a little while now. I don't know if God will do anything with me after the workshop in the area of worship or not. I just know that it wasn't something that I was expecting to be invited to join them.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (8/15/2005 4:07:30 PM)
Hi everybody. Well, it's the early hours of Tuesday morning here. I can't sleep. I've been woken up by yet another nose bleed. I've had about 6 since Thursday. I don't know what's going on with that. Yesterday, I got a really nice surprise. Sharon (awed) called me! I loved listening to her voice and her accent. Next time I'm on the phone with her, I'll have to have more to say to her. I was pretty quiet. Tonight is the vocal workshop down at the church. Part of me is nervous. These guys would be really good, and I doubt that I'd be as good as them. I mean, I can sing in tune for the most part, but I don't have the same level of talent as most people. Hopefully I won't embarrass myself too much. Tomorrow afternoon is my doctor's appointment. Part of me is really nervous about going. There's things that I want to know, but I know that it's not going to be easy. The doctor called yesterday and brought the appointment forward an hour. In one way that will be helpful. In other ways, I wonder how much I'm going to have to medicate myself so that I don't completely lose the plot. I know that it will work out ok, but I think the execution might be a little more difficult. We'll see.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (8/17/2005 7:08:32 AM)
Well, I talked about the vocal workshop that I was going to, so I thought that I'd come and talk a little bit about it. Oh man! It was so awesome! We did some vocal exercises etc, and some very basic vocal stuff. The choir demonstrated some stuff for us, and man, they were amazing! We got to hear them singing some jazz, gospel, 16th century rennaissance (in Latin!), contemporary worship and a pile of other stuff. They were talking about listening to parts and all that kind of thing. They went in a few songs where they went into what they called mixed mode. Nobody standing anywhere near anyone of their same vocal part. One of the pieces they did in mixed mode was the 16th century Latin rennaissance work. Talk about amazing! They had never done it in mixed mode before, and they were pitch perfect! To finish the night, we all sang a worship song. They all got off the stage and sang with us, all interspersing with us. That was amazing. The principal said something about doing a blessing over us. I wasn't expecting the group, who were still scattered amongst us, to sing a benediction over us in 4 part harmony. It was so awesome! I'd never heard anything like it before in my life! I walked away from last night feeling really inspired. That's a real change for me at the moment. Music has always been something that's been like a life line for me, the thing I enjoy most when I'm not enjoying much in life. I thought I'd also share something else with you too. For a while now, some of you have known that I've been going through a pretty tough time of late. Some have known that I had a medical appointment today. Part of the reason that I've been finding life so tough of late is that somebody shared with me that they thought that I could have an eating disorder. I did a bit of research and thought that it was possible. A few weeks back, the Lord seemed to show me that I did have a problem. I had to admit it to myself and also to John and Joan. Today, I went to see a psychiatrist to talk about what's been going on with me. The psychiatrist confirmed that I do have an eating disorder. She said that it's a very fine line between bulimia nervosa and binge eating disorder. She's going to get me into the system so that I can get help as soon as possible. I thought that I was just being a fraud, and that I just ate too much. It seems now there's an understandable reason for it. The really tough work will begin soon. If you think about it, I'd really appreciate your prayers, and prayers for John and Joan too.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (8/23/2005 11:59:57 AM)
Hi everybody. Seems like ages since I was last in here! Well, it's been an interesting past 6 days or so since I was last here. I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that I actually DO have an eating disorder. Sometimes I still can't believe somebody my size could have an eating disorder. I know the behaviours are things that I do, but it still doesn't seem real to me in some ways that this is ME that we are talking about. Today, I got a call back from the doctor that I saw last week. She gave me some information about support groups for John and Joan which I'm really happy about. I know they are just shrugging it off in front of me, but I know it's not the easiest thing for them to have to go through, even though they've had to give lots of counselling as part of their job description over the years. (They've been Anglican ministers, and now work on our church's pastoral care team). I am just as concerned about them as I am about myself. Anyway, it seems that she talked to the other doctors over at the original clinic I got referred to. They'd originally told me that I was at the wrong end of the weight scale for them to deal with. They are focussing more on those who are all skin and bone, which I'm not. Far from it. After this doctor told her that I had classic symptoms, she managed to get her to agree that I go to the clinic. When I first called with my referral, there was a 2 weeks waiting list. I didn't think that was too bad. Then when I called them back later, they were saying it was up to 5-6 weeks. Still a little while away, but I didn't think that was too bad. The doctor told me today that the waiting list has increased even longer as many people have been referred there since they aired the segment on eating disorders. The waiting list is now 5-6 MONTHS! That's going to take me into next year before I can get any counselling to help me. There is a group session that will be starting in October. It's only 10-12 sessions with people in the same situation as me. There is an option to be able to do some exercises etc with the human movement people. They have experience with people who are obese. We get measured, weighed etc and monitored each time. I'm not looking forward to that. I don't like weighing myself alone, let alone with an audience. That's totally embarrassing! So whilst I wait for counselling/treatment, I have this group. Other than that, I don't know what to do to help myself. Once I start counselling, I know that I'll be given homework etc and plenty of it. I hear it will be pretty gruelling. That part I'm not looking forward to. The next thing that has thrown us into a quandry is that I'm supposed to be going back to the surgeon next month. We don't know what to tell him. Obviously he needs to know that I have an eating disorder. He said the last time I saw him that I could put off my appointment until I felt happier. He asked me to go and get some counselling, but counselling is now not available until next year! If I keep putting off my appointments, the receptionist told me that they tend to start replacing those patients with those who are more likely to show up for the appointments. That's how I got in. I don't want to lose my place in the system and at this point, I can see this happening.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (8/25/2005 11:22:51 AM)
John just finished talking to a pastor friend of ours in another part of the country via the phone. I asked him to tell her about what's going on with me, healthwise, as she has been a nurse and would understand some of what I'm going through and be able to support he and Joan. This pastor told him to give me a message. For the past 2 years, this friend has felt as though she's losing her marbles. She's had some health issues amongst other things going on in her life. Like me, depression has been one of them. She has had some ministry and is now testifying that God has brought her out of that place where she felt that she was just going crazy. She's got her joy back. She told me this, because she knows that there have been many times when I've just felt like I've lost the plot. It's true, there are days when I wish I didn't have to get out of bed, but I drag myself out of bed anyway. She also passed on this message. She's just finished meeting with a group of women who have been holding a rally of sorts. They have been focussing on the refining process. One of the women had spoken to a silversmith about the refining process. I don't know about you, but I've heard the story many times about how a silversmith refines the silver. I thought I knew what was going to be said. To some degree, I did. There were a few things that were pointed out to me though. To refine the silver, the silver has to be placed in the hottest part of the fire. That sounds like a reasonable thing. The silversmith then went on to say, that whilst the silver is in that hottest place, he needs to watch it very carefully, never taking his eyes off of it, in case it spoils. When asked when he knew that the refining process was over, the silversmith said that he could tell because he could see his face in it. To me, that analogy spoke of the spiritual, and I'm sure there will be many times when I'll have to remind myself of this. In the hottest place where the silver is refined, where WE are refined, God never takes his eyes off of us. He doesn't want us to spoil. He is so careful and watchful so that we don't spoil or get beyond what we can handle. He contines to refine us until the process is done. When He can see His face in us. When we reflect His likeness. Sometimes the refining process doesn't feel particularly comfortable because we are in the hottest part of the flame. It's comforting to remember though, that in the midst of it all, He keeps a careful, watchful eye on us so that we don't spoil or endure more than we can handle.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (8/30/2005 12:15:37 PM)
Well, it seems as though I'm going to be a bit busier than usual for a little while. There are a couple doing a prophetic conference at our church in about a week and a half. There's also part 2 of a conference we had not so long ago in November. The church staff have been flat out and struggling to get everything done. The head secretary asked me to come in today, (which I did), and also to start coming in on a semi regular basis whilst there's so much work to do. I'll try and be there as much as I can. I know that I've got a few things coming up where I won't be quiet as available, but I'll make it. Somebody gave me a copy of something about hugging. The author is unknown. I was told that seeing as I'm a huggaholic, it's perfect for me. Here it is: HUGGING Hugging is healthy. It helps the body's immunity system, it keeps you healthier, it cures depression, it reduces stress, it induces sleep, it's invigorating, it's rejuvenating, it has no unpleasant side effects and hugging is nothing less than a miracle drug. Hugging is all natural. It is organic, naturally sweet, no pesticides, no preservatives, no artificial ingredients and 100% wholesome. Hugging is practically perfect. There are no movable parts, no batteries to wear out, no periodic checkups, low energy consumption, high energy yield, inflation-proof, non-fattening, no monthly payments, no insurance requirements, theft-proof, non taxable, non polluting and of course, fully returnable.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (9/4/2005 1:48:50 PM)
This weekend has been Father's Day here in Australia. It was a good Father's Day. John totally enjoyed himself, which is the main thing. I played a bit of a play on words on him, on Bailey's behalf. The last couple of times, I've given John and Joan cards from Bailey with different plays on words. For example, in the past, I put on one of their cards that Bailey hoped that they had a real ball. For their gift from him, he got a pack of tennis balls, which is like his binkie for him. He loves chasing after tennis balls. This time around, the play on words in his Father's Day card was that Bailey would love to give him schmackos on the chops, meaning kisses on the lips. Honestly, if you gave Bailey half a chance, that boy sure would give you a lick on the face or more if you'd let him! .John saw the schmackos and thought that would be a good way to give him some treats from time to time. He couldn't figure out what the present was underneath it. Of course, I'd gift wrapped his lamb chops. (John absolutely loves lamb chops). He looked a little perplexed until I told him that it was the schmackos in the chops that was mentioned in his Father's Day card. He completely lost it! [sm=funny.gif][sm=biggrin.gif][sm=sidesmile.gif][sm=tonguehappy.gif][sm=smile-l.gif][sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=icon_smile_tongue.gif][sm=purplelaugh.gif][sm=Llol.gif] The schmacko on the chops absolutely ruined John! He just couldn't stop laughing whenever the subject was brought up often. Another opportunity presented itself that we hadn't expected. Joan had made chicken schnitzel and salad for lunch. He really appreciated it. He reckoned that I wouldn't let Father's Day go without me getting him a cake of some description. I asked him if he'd like dessert. He said yes. I asked him if he'd like some fruit. She said he'd like a serve of whatever was available. I did in fact have a cake out in the back fridge for him. I went to get it out, and I had a brainwave. Bailey's jar of dry dog biscuits were sitting on the freezer. I quickly packed that into a bag, as he would have heard me getting dessert out in a bag. I took it out and put it on the table, asking him if that would do. When he found out what it was, he just lost it again. I told him that he'd said that he'd have a serve of whatever was available, but I don't think dog biscuits was quite what he had in mind. LOL! [sm=sidesmile.gif][sm=tonguehappy.gif][sm=smile-l.gif][sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=icon_smile_tongue.gif][sm=purplelaugh.gif][sm=funny.gif][sm=halo.gif] It's ok. I took it back and brought him his cake. He seemed to appreciate that much more. Father's Day has brought up a lot of things for me. Part of me misses my biological Dad. I don't have many good memories of him as he had an alchohol problem amongst other things. Part of it is just wishful thinking that will never actually happen. I was wishing today that I'd met John and Joan a lot earlier in life than I did. Of course, that will never happen. I just get to spend time with them from now. Of course, our ultimate Dad, is our heavenly Father. I just want to honour Him for all the things that He's done in my life. There have been lots of things that I haven't understood, but then I guess I don't have to. He's got that all under control, even if there are times that I may not feel that way. Thankyou Lord.

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (9/10/2005 12:44:12 PM)
I hate to come on here and just whinge about what's going wrong with me, but I really feel as though I need to get some things down. Maybe if you don't want to hear it, you can skip this post. As most of you know, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder a few weeks back. I start a group session next month some time and then next year when they can fit me in, I'm going to be doing some one on one counselling to deal with all of that. The joys of not having medical insurance. When I found out that there was a possibility that I could have an eating disorder, I must admit, I was a real mess. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't think that there was any way for a morbidly obese person to have an eating disorder. I'm far from being the size of a stick. (No intentions of hurting anybody with that comment). When I was finally diagnosed, it was like being hit in the guts. I've been trying to get some offline resources to read up and know what it is that I'm fighting. So far, those books haven't come in yet. Hopefully they'll be here soon. In the meantime, I don't know what to do. I've been looking at things online, but as I'm not sure how to go about them, I can't do them yet. I'm really feeling frustrated. Our entire household has noticed that my mood has worsened. I'm feeling a lot more depressed than I was before. I don't know what to expect with all of this. I know that there will be short term counselling and group sessions. I don't know what to do in the meantime. Part of me wonders if I've got what it takes to get through all of this. So many emotions are surfacing for me and I don't quite know what to do with them. I feel so sorry for John and Joan. They both see me upset and stressed, and they don't know how to help me. Just before John headed to bed tonight, I just lost the plot and bawled. He could get me tissues and give me a hug, but I know he feels helpless. He doesn't know what to do with me either. No, I'm not feeling suicidal, but sometimes I think it would just make life a lot easier if I weren't around and they didn't have to put up with all of this. Maybe life could get back to some semblance of normality. No worrying about food going missing or what I'm doing. No feelings of having to walk around on eggshells in case they say something that could set me off. I find it hard enough to live with myself, let alone what it must be like for them. This is all new territory for them, and me. Stress is definitely telling with me. I've had a migraine the past 3 days. I was supposed to have been at a conference yesterday and today, but with a migraine, I didn't make it there. There's a leader's meeting tomorrow afternoon as well too, but I doubt I'll be there unless I improve dramatically. As much as I hate it, I'm having to take more calmatives at the moment (sedatives) to help me cope a bit better. I'm hoping that's not going to be for long. I know I'm a long way from being at maximum dose. My doctor doesn't care if I get addicted to these particular meds as they only take 8 weeks to become un-addicted. If I can get away with not becoming addicted at all, I'll be much happier. There's still so much that I'd like to say, but I think I've said enough for now.

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