RE: A life to cherish (Full Version)

All Forums >> [General] >> Blog Towne



Message

cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (4/16/2007 8:55:14 PM)

It's been a while since I was last here, so I thought I'd better fill in what's been going on since I was last here.

The 4th of April was my 38th birthday. We went out to the movies, but didn't go out for a meal, which we normally do for birthdays etc in our household. I hadn't been well that day, so just the movie was good. Have since made up for the birthday lunch at the end of last week.

Went to a wedding on Sunday. I think people were stunned by what I looked like. I very rarely wear makeup, and I tend not to wear earrings and necklaces as I'm allergic to the metals. Managed to wear clip earrings and a necklace. People have never seen me so dressed up. I'm not the dress up kind of gal. Jeans and tshirts are normally what I have in my wardrobe.

It's been a busy last couple of weeks one way and another. We've been trying to get things done before John goes into hospital on Thursday for his surgery. Hopefully he'll be back out again on Friday, but we'll have to see how he goes.

As you know, I've been telling you that I haven't been feeling very well for quite some time. The ultrasound didn't show anything of significance. I went back to the doctor yesterday and told him that I still wasn't feeling well. He poked around on my stomach and made me sore and nauseous. The upshot of all that is that I need to go for further testing. I kind of figured that that would be the case. The ultrasound ruled out some areas, like gallbladder, pancreas etc. He said that looked like it was intestinal. I asked him about one thing it could be, as John has it. He said that it was possible. I asked him what else it could be if not that thing and he said that there is a possibility that I could have Crohn's disease which is an inflammation of the intestine. It's an autoimmune disease and they don't know what causes it. If it is Crohn's disease, then I may have to have the lap band removed as I can't take anti inflammatory meds right now as it would ulcerate my stomach.

Well, I'd better get going. I've got an opthamologist's appointment to get to. Talk to you all later.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (4/21/2007 9:32:54 AM)

Hey everybody. Just checking back in with you.

Opthamologist said there was no change and I didn't have to go back for another 6 months.

It's been a very stressful past few days. Joan started vomitting on Wednesday night and we thought that it was just stress over John's surgery and over our overall health issues. We thought that once John had had his surgery and was ok, she'd be ok too. It's Saturday night here, and she's still going. It may well have had a stress component in there, but I think there is some kind of infection at work there too. John didn't come home from the hospital until late this morning due to complications, (he had dangerously low blood pressure and then in the early hours of this morning, his heart started to fibrillate), and she is still going.

John's surgery was successful, but for some reason his heart started causing problems. There was something said about his electrolytes being out, so that could have contributed. Both times, he had emergency teams coming in to deal with his situations.

Joan and I are certainly glad to have him home, and he's certainly glad to be home. Joan found it really hard having him in hospital, but she's been thankful that I've been here to keep her company through all of this. I've found it very difficult too. John really is like a dad to me, and there were times when I just kept thinking, "I want my dad", and then ending up in tears.

Well, better go for now. Need to go and check on John. Take care all.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (4/28/2007 2:44:48 AM)

I've been thinking a lot lately.

If my mother had been alive, yesterday would have been her 73rd birthday. She passed away nearly 9 years ago now. There's still a part of me that misses her, despite everything that we've been through.

One of the questions that goes through my mind is, "Would she be proud of me?" I know that when I was growing up, I was never good enough. She always asked me why I couldn't be more like my brothers. If I asked to do sport, I was never allowed. Even when I topped my year several years running, (admittedly in primary/elementary school), that wasn't good enough.

What would my mum (and dad) think of me now? I'm not working due to health problems, but what would they think of my character? Would I be a person that they were proud of?

I don't think that my parents knew me very well. I tried to let them into my life, but neither were interested. I'd call home sometimes and my dad would just ask me, "So, are you married yet?" They were so wanting more grandkids, and at the time, I was still in my teens.

Other people saw me differently from the way that they did. To them, I was somebody to bully and abuse, whether they thought that way consciously or not. Now that they have passed on and are with the Lord, do they see me differently as they sit watching me from above? To them, am I somebody worthy of their love and that they do love? I don't know. I just wonder.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/3/2007 12:12:44 PM)

I've been thinking for a while now about what I want to do with my body once my life is over. Not trying to be morbid or anything, but just wondering what I should do. I've been thinking for the past few years at least, that I'd like to do something to benefit others. Lately here, we've had a couple of shows on television that talks about organ donation. I've wondered if anybody would be able to get any use out of my body once I don't need it anymore. I know that I've got a lot of health problems, but surely there would be some parts of my body they could use that would benefit somebody else's quality of life. If not heart, lungs, liver or some other part, maybe my corneas or some other part. I sometimes see the bumper stickers. "Don't take your organs with you, heaven know's we need them here". Organ donation in Australia is really low. I don't know how it is where you are, but maybe it's just a reminder to think about how you can help others even in the event of your death. John and Joan know about my desire, and I've emailed a copy of my intentions to my brother just so that they know my wishes. Yesterday, I also sent in my registration form to become an organ donor. If I can help somebody else increase their quality of life in my passing, then I'm all for that. How about you?



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/10/2007 12:23:03 PM)

Today has been a tough day. This morning I had my appointment with the gastroenterologist. I don't know if I'm just more sensitive and emotional than usual, but I know I spent some time in tears after the appointment.

The gastroenterologist suspects that I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, exacerbated by the amount of diet drinks that I consume. I'm diabetic, so I thought I was doing the right thing in having diet products. He seems to think that the artificial sweetner in it is wreaking havoc with my body. That can cause some of the symptoms that I'm experiencing.

He also thinks that the gastric band that I had put in in October of 04 is causing some of the other symptoms that I'm experiencing. I'm having an endoscope and colonoscopy on the morning of the 5th of June, (my time), or the night of June 4th for most of you. He suggested that I have the gastric band deflated so that it was easier to be able to get the endoscope in properly to all the places that it needs to go. I was freaking out as the surgeon who put the gastric band in scares me. Apparently he resigned from the hospital in February, so there's another doctor that I need to see instead to get the band deflated. That's still not going to be pleasant, as I think there will be some questions asked of me that I won't feel comfortable with. We're trying to get an appointment before I have my procedures done in June.

It's been hard because with some of the pain being attributed to how much diet drinks I've been having, I feel like it's my own fault. If I hadn't been drinking so much of it, I wouldn't be in so much pain. I also feel like it's my own fault over the gastric band. At the time, the doctors were really pressuring me to have the gastric banding done. Yes, I thought it might be good to be able to have some of the weight loss results that I've heard that some people have. But I felt pressured, weak and that it's my fault for allowing it to happen.

I feel upset because I basically feel that I've caused my own illness in more than one way.

I am going to get the colonoscopy and endoscopy done to see if there are other things wrong with my internal areas. There may be more of an idea of what's going on in my body, rather than just a guess.

I feel as though I've failed. Failed to lose weight, both with and without the gastric band. (I've put on many pounds since I had the gastric band). Not knowing that if I have too much artificial sweetner I'd make myself this sick. I sat down and cried when I got home, just thinking of the failure. A lot of frustration. Worry. Embarrassment.

John suggested that once the band is deflated, we can see if it really isn't working. If it isn't working, we can discuss about getting it removed.

So much more I could say here, but I'm so tired now. I'll leave it until later on. I'm going to bed.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/11/2007 12:58:11 AM)

My weight has always been something that has caused problems. I was fed really unhealthy meals as a kid, then my mother took me to the doctor because I was too fat. He did tests and told me that it was because I ate too much. My mother said she wanted to take me clothes shopping like most mothers get to do with their daughters, but she was too embarrassed to take me and they didn't have clothes that fit me anyway.

I know I'm not a child anymore, and there are things that I can do to lose the weight. I can't keep blaming other people for my weight problems. I thought the gastric banding might have been one of the things that would help. I've been on so many diets over the years and I would take some weight off, right before putting it all back on, plus some. It wasn't until somebody pointed it out to me on CW that I have a problem. I was diagnosed with bulimia nervosa. To me, that's my fault too, because I wasn't strong enough to stop it. I didn't see it. I've asked for help at an eating disorders clinic, and have been told that they are helping those with anorexia first as they are more at risk of dying. I haven't chased it as much as I should have done. I was given some tools at a weight management class that I did about 18 months ago, and it worked for a while, but I got bored. I don't have the motivation to go back to it right now and actually stick to it. It would help me to lose weight. Somehow, I need to get the motivation back.

I feel as though I'm being such a drama queen. If I do have the IBS that the gastroenterologist thinks I have, then I should be able to deal with it a lot better than I am. I know other people who have IBS and they manage to live their lives with normality. They don't just about end up in hospital, or end up doing very little because it's too painful. They get on with their lives.

There's still a possibility that there could be something else causing the symptoms that I'm having other than IBS. That will be something that will be investigated by the endoscope and colonoscopy. Is there something that I could have done to cause those conditions too, if they exist? I know the diabetes was my fault. Bad diet, too much sugar. I haven't looked after my body well enough.

I just want this to be over. I'm sick of being sick. If it's not gastrointestinal problems, it's depression. Somewhere, some time, there has to be some healing. Somehow I have to get off my rear end and do something that would actually be helpful for a change.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/13/2007 1:19:44 PM)

Happy Mother's Day to all you mums out there.

Today was a funny day. I'd planned on going to church this morning as part of the Mother's Day thing for Joan. As I was getting ready to go, however, I really started to feel unwell. I ended up staying home and falling back to sleep for a while.

Joan's kind of like my second mother, and we've got this thing in our house that Bailey, our spoodle, is my son. Therefore, John and Joan are his grandparents.

For Mother's/Grandmother's Day today, gifts and cards were exchanged. Joan got earrings, books, DVDs and chocolate and other treats.

Joan/Grandma did some shopping on behalf of Bailey. It was so funny. I was given some chocolate, which was great. I was also given a miniature tray with a picture of puppies on it, and a dog that barks when you walk past its sensor. It doesn't seem like something funny, but it was. There was a sign supposedly from Bailey on the box containing the dog. When I took it off, it was apparently from a shop called the "Reject Shop". I couldn't get the dog to work, but when John moved, the dog started to bark. It kept refusing to bark for me! LOL! John took it out to Bailey to see what he thought of this new thing. Bailey jumped back, not knowing what to do with this thing that barked at him! LOL!

I kept saying that I had a tray like the one that Joan/Bailey had given me. I'd bought a few of them a few years ago, and had given some as gifts, but kept one for myself as I really liked it. She kept telling me that I didn't have one any more. I told her that I had and where I kept it. It was then that she suddenly realised that she'd given me the tray that I'd kept for myself! LOL! She was so embarrassed! LOL! It was priceless!

Giving me something I already owned and then giving me a gift from the Reject Shop that doesn't work for me, but does for John. LOL!



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/17/2007 11:50:08 AM)

As of yesterday, I have officially been living with John and Joan for nine years. I can hardly believe that it's been that long. I went to stay with them for a couple of days when I heard that my mother was dying in hospital, and never moved back to where I had been living. I had planned on moving back to the house, but then John and Joan asked me to move in with them. The person that I was living with at the time, I didn't really get along with. She was pretty domineering, and used to listen in on my phone calls, either by walking into the room, or on the phone extension in her room. [:@] She wanted things her way, even though I'd been living in the house longer. Anyway, that's long over.

John, Joan and I are extremely close, for those of you who don't know. They are like my second parents. I'm actually a lot closer to them than I was my blood parents. John and I are extremely alike in personality, character, sense of humour and even some illnesses. LOL! Joan has me to go shopping with and do all the girly things with that she'd wanted in a daughter. Joan and I are alike in that neither of us could have kids and for the same reason. John and Joan tell me that I am God's provision. They had always wanted a daughter, and then 25 years later, I came along, and they didn't have to change my diapers! LOL! They are a God send for me too.

I've been a bit scarce lately as I've been sleeping so much. I've been taking cold/flu meds to try and get better, and they are making me sleep a lot.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (5/27/2007 3:52:23 AM)

Hi everybody.

Not much happening here. Just waiting out the time until I get my procedures done. I unexpectedly got called into the clinic that deals with my lap band, and they took the fluid out for me after explaining why I wanted it relaxed. He immediately started talking about getting me back in there as soon as possible to refill the band so I didn't put the weight back on again. I had been hoping to keep the fluid out for a while. He's going to run some tests too to see if the band has moved somehow. Apparently that can make you vomit too, so he's doing his own tests, which won't be seen doing the other procedures.

I start the preparations for the procedures next Sunday and pretty much don't eat anything until after my procedure on Tuesday. By then, I'll be ready for food.

I'm nervous, but I'm also wanting to know what's going on with me.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (6/7/2007 12:27:30 PM)

I'm finally getting in here to do a blog entry. I know people have been wondering how I've been doing.

First of all, thankyou all to all of you who've been praying for me. That has been so precious and appreciated.

My procedures were the day before yesterday. Things went ok from what I can tell, other than when they sat me up too fast in recovery. It seems that love is not the only thing that makes the world turn around. [8|] I know that the surgeon has taken some biopsies of some of my organs. I won't find out the results until I go back to see him in a couple of weeks. I've seen his reports and I've googled some of the things that he was saying. John has a little bit of knowledge about anatomy and chemistry etc as he did a masters degree some years back. Definitely no doctor, but he knows some things. From what I've been reading on the medical sites, it doesn't look good. Originally my doctor and John were both thinking that I could have diverticulitis, but looks like it's something much worse. Other than advertising from one company about extreme treatments, none of the sites talk about how to cure the condition.

It was an interesting day. Got out to the car to go home and the car wouldn't start. No, it wasn't the battery. It kept trying to turn over, but not quite getting there. We called out the RAC and found out that the alternator cap had worn out. Didn't have the money to get a replacement as it was the day before my payday. We managed to get home, but it made for an interesting trip.

When I got home, John had been really sweet. He'd made me a chocolate cake with double chocolate icing/frosting. It was a celebration that I'd made it through the procedures. They'd bought some white bread rolls for lunch, something that I hadn't been able to eat since before I had gastric banding. My stomach can't digest white bread when I have fluid in the lap band. I'd also left my bed in a bit of a state that morning. I came home to find that they'd changed my sheets to some new ones that they'd bought me and made my bed. They really spoiled me. They had really missed me, (Joan was crying in the back seat of the car on the way home), and Bailey was pretty glad to see me when I got home too. He didn't see us leave that morning as he was still asleep and apparently he growled at John and Joan when they drove in because they had the audacity to leave that morning without taking his nighttime jacket off him and feeding him.

I've been experiencing some pain over the past few days. Had a bit of a reaction to everything too. Everything was just catching up with me.

The pain got added to today as I had another cortisone injection in my shoulder as it's been causing a fair amount of trouble again. Hopefully that will start working again soon.

One more procedure to go. Next Wednesday morning, I have to go and have another test. That will show if the gastric band has moved. That may or may not explain some of what's going on. I guess we'll see.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (6/13/2007 12:26:32 PM)

It's been a funny old day. This morning I had another hospital appointment. This time I had to have xrays with a contrast to see if everything was going down the oesophagus properly and to see if the lap band had moved. It hadn't. Everything was normal.

Before my procedure, I was given a gown to change into before being called into the room. Problem was, that the man had given me fitted sheets, thinking that they were gowns. I got dressed again and went looking for the man, to see if I could get a gown instead of the elasticated sheets. No luck. Thankfully, I saw that there was another cubicle across from mine. I checked in there, and thankfully, there were some gowns in there. I grabbed those, just in time. I would have looked very odd having my xrays etc done as I was dressed in elasticated sheets.

Joan has a virus and is very washed out. John has headed to bed a lot earlier than normal tonight. He's not feeling too well right now either. I hope he's not coming down with something.

Our orange tree is fruiting pretty well right now. We've given lots of oranges away. Some the fruit flies and birds have been attacking. We've been eating some. We're thinking about making some marmalade with them. Using some for ourselves and leaving some for Christmas gifts. I've never done it before, but Joan has, so she'll be able to teach me once she's feeling a lot better.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (6/21/2007 8:18:39 AM)

Results are in. I saw the gastroenterologist today. There was no cancer, diverticulitis, Crohns disease or any of the really heavy stuff. No inflammation or infection anywhere. Even though I had fasted like I was supposed to, he found that there was still a little food in my stomach, which he couldn't quite explain. He said the possibility was the gastric band.

He asked if I had spicy foods, tea, coffee. Nope. I still have some of the symptoms, but not quite to the same degree.

He told me what he thinks is causing all of my problems, and I have to say, I feel really stupid. I feel like it's all my own fault. He told me that I need to lose weight and get my blood sugars down. Apparently, it's my diabetes that is causing all of this. I don't understand how that can be causing all the pain and problems that I've been having. He asked about my kidneys and eyes, and I know that I don't have any problems with those because my doctor regularly checks my kidney/liver function and I've been seeing the opthamologist regularly and he hasn't seen any problems.

Since I've had my gastric band relaxed, I've been eating more, but still normal sized meals. Smaller than I was eating before I had gastric banding done. Having said that, there are still certain foods that I really struggle with. Chocolate is a major one. I literally freak out if there isn't some chocolate in the house. There are times when we can't afford it, and I'm really not in a good place when that happens. First chance I get, I have to get some. Doesn't mean I eat it straight away when I get it. There are so many times though when I do eat it, I've had enough, but I'm absolutely driven to eat it until there is no more left. That and a couple of other foods. The stomach treats chocolate as though it's fluid, so the doctor told me who did the gastric banding. (Word of warning. If you ever have gastric surgery, have only one good piece of chocolate once a week and don't eat any more of it). Unfortunately with my eating disorder, I started eating chocolate after I had my surgery, and it's really taken over.

Somehow, I have to stop eating chocolate and get this weight off and get my blood sugars down. My blood sugars aren't the highest they've ever been, but obviously they're high enough to be causing problems. Part of me doesn't want to do it, but if I want to get healthy, then I need to do it.

I blame myself for being so sick. Nobody tied me down and forced me to eat all the things I've been having. John told me not to blame myself as he believes the drive I sometimes get when eating is a result of some things done to me as a kid. I know that I lose control and just can't stop eating at times. That's why I feel so stupid. I've eaten myself to being so sick.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (6/27/2007 11:49:28 AM)

Today has been a rough day for me. This morning I got a call from a friend to tell me that another friend of ours passed away last night from cancer. In the 80s, he had been doing some work around his house, and at that stage, nobody had told of the dangers of working with asbestos. I had been there many times as I was really good friends with his daughters. The last time I saw him, I was coming out of an appointment at one of the hospitals in my city. He and his wife were waiting to see one of the doctors.

I looked out the window this morning, and there were feathers all over the backyard. I didn't like what that meant. I've seen Bailey attack a bird before, and it wasn't easy to pull him off so the bird could get away. When I went out to feed him, I decided to pick up all the feathers, and found the dead bird up the end of the yard. He'd completely plucked the bird and its heart was showing. I couldn't tell him he was a bad boy as he must have done it quite some time earlier when we were all in bed. (We hadn't heard him). He wouldn't know what he'd done to deserve the scolding. I know he has a thing about birds as they tease him and swoop him. He gets hysterical when they come into our yard, running from one tree to the other, trying to get them to leave. He doesn't even like them sitting on the overhead power lines. This is the first bird I've known him to kill.

I had a hospital appointment this afternoon, at the same hospital where I'd seen the friend who passed away last night. I had to go past the area where I'd last seen him on the way to the clinic I needed to go to. It was very confronting as I realised that it was the last place that I saw him.

The clinic that I went to today was about my gastric band. I've put on very little weight, (7oz), since I had that band relaxed. I honestly thought that I would have put on more weight with no restrictions from the band. That was a good thing. I told her that I didn't want the band to be filled again for a while, and the doctor didn't take it well. She was very confrontational and was shaking her head in disbelief. Thankfully John was there with me to help me explain what I meant. My mind went completely blank and I was just repeating myself over and over again. When I brought up that there had been thoughts of having the band removed, she was looking at me in total horror and disbelief. She said that it wouldn't be a good idea, as if I decided to change my mind in the future, it would just mean another surgery. After I told her about the complication from diabetes, she told me that I really needed to lose weight now. Thankfully she's giving me a year to try and do it on my own. I did initially lose some weight after I had the band put in, but then I put on about 44lbs. I've taken over half of that off again, but I don't think the band has been terribly helpful in that. I'll just have to see what I can do without it's help. I guess it's up to me. She did suggest talking to my general practioner about getting a care plan in place. One of the things would be to work with a psychiatrist that I know to try and deal with the eating disorders thing. I'm not binging as much as I used to, but it's still definitely something that's affecting my weight. We'll wait and see.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (7/6/2007 12:55:47 PM)

This week has been a really difficult week for me.

Monday would have been my dad's 79th birthday had he still been alive. I never find this time of year easy as it's full of anniversaries for me of my parents' deaths etc. I tried to make it more of a positive day by going grocery shopping. Why's that positive? Well, we have some school chaplains at our church, and they have been trying to get food together to make up hampers/care packages to give to some needy families in their schools. Personally knowing what it's like to have to live on the charity of others, I think it's the least I can do when I have the resources to do it.

Tuesday was my friend's funeral. He died of cancer. One of his daughters read a reading. His other daughter sang a song that she'd written and her dad loved. I don't know how she did it. I couldn't have. I wouldn't have had the strength. I just felt like that day was a double whammy. My dad and now the death of my friend.

Wednesday was payday for me, so I felt that the Lord was asking me to get more groceries for the schools. Things have been a bit stressful for our household lately, so I took them out for morning tea and lunch. Things had been going along ok for me, I guess, until Wednesday night. I just went into meltdown and was just inconsolable. The stress of people's expectations, knowing that my health problems were caused by my own behaviours, the anniversaries and deaths and a whole lot of other things just made me crack. I tried to get John to go to bed, but he wouldn't leave me. I needed extra meds that night to scrape me off the ceiling and calm me down. I think we hit bed around 3am.

Thursday I slept most of the day, thanks to the sedatives I'd been given. We went late night shopping, which was something that we rarely do. Got my hair cut for the first time in what seems like forever. It was a really big night for me. Not something that I had planned. God obviously did. I did something that I never thought I would do. I told John my most awful, disgusting sins. To me, it seems like it was another person who did those terrible things, but I know it was me. They were things that I had repented of several times in the past. I was so scared that John was going to lose respect for me and hate me. He just kept saying that there is no condemnation in Christ. That He has forgiven me. It's something that I would never have thought in a million years that I would have done, and I don't feel at this stage that I could ever forgive myself for it.

Today was a happier day. One of the ladies from the Monday group celebrated her 80th birthday yesterday. Her daughter came to take her out to lunch today to celebrate. She'd organised with a bunch of people that they would come too. We all arrived before she did, and she was so overwhelmed when she came into the restaurant and saw us all sitting there. It was another side of her that we'd never seen. She's not a believer, but will listen to us talk about God in front of her. She was speechless for a long time and began to cry. Some of her friends and family were there, and we were introduced as her church friends.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (7/13/2007 1:57:49 PM)

This week has been a quieter week. Not much happening. I've not been well this week, so a lot of the time has been resting.

I'm trying to increase my concentration span again. My doctor suggested reading The Horse And His Boy by CS Lewis. The words don't mean anything to me yet, but I've read it. I've started reading The Silver Chair by CS Lewis as he also wanted me to read before I went back to see him. I think he's just wanting me to start with simple things and then work my way up, even if at this stage I'm not really comprehending what I'm reading. That will come. I used to love to read before and I miss reading. Crosswalk is the most I read these days. Some days I have problems comprehending what I read, but I hope in time, things will improve.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (7/21/2007 12:48:23 PM)

Well, I'm on to my next book. "The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe". I don't know why, but as a kid I used to think that it was an evil book. Talking about witches and the like. I didn't know the theology behind CS Lewis' book. I know better now.

I've put my glasses in to have their new lenses in the other day. Maybe next week I'll have them back. Then I need to wear them all the time. I'm not going to like the much, but at least I might be able to see better than I currently am.

I'm hoping to be able to get to church in the morning. It's all going to depend on the kind of night I had and how I'm feeling. I'm still not feeling well. I still have a cold/flu thing which is going around everywhere. I don't really want to pass it on to others. It's not very nice. Joan hasn't been feeling to well in recent days and she's trying to decide whether to keep ahead with the Monday group here, or whether to cancel seeing as Joan and I aren't feeling too well at the moment.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (7/26/2007 7:01:41 PM)

Hi everybody. Been an interesting week around here.

Monday, we had massive thunderstorms and the back room got flooded out again. That room is an extension to the existing house. We use it for storage and to house Bailey. It gets so wet in there at times, depending on the direction of the wind, that we've put his bed up onto bricks so that it doesn't get flooded, and under a table, so that the rain doesn't just run straight down off the ceiling onto him. Monday night, I thought I heard Bailey scratching at the slide door, between his room and our lounge. I got a shock when I saw that it wasn't him at all, (which wouldn't have been normal for him), but a huge water feature coming down the brickwork inside the house in the kitchen/lounge area. We got the landlord over so that he could see, but of course, whilst he was here, it didn't rain. You could still see that it was wet though. All the eaves in the back room are black from the mould. Today, we are due more massive thunderstorms. We can't get a tradesperson out to get it looked at until Monday. They have had somebody try to fix the roof a few times, but obviously not the right tradesperson.

This week, I've been writing out invitations for Joan's birthday next January. It's going to be a big one. I'm not doing the local ones yet, but the interstate ones and international ones. We need to get numbers into the restaurant. It'd also be good if we have to organise accommodation for them too. Just a couple more to be sent out.

I picked up my glasses yesterday. It doesn't feel weird wearing them, but it's going to take a bit of time getting used to wearing them all the time.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (8/5/2007 12:26:52 PM)

Seventeen years ago today, I was baptised. I can't believe it's been that long. John and Joan spoiled me. I didn't get to church this morning as I'm not well, again. [8|] They were nice enough to surprise me by bringing home some store bought quiche and some lemon cheesecake to share for lunch as an anniversary celebration.

I'm slowly getting back into reading novels again. Trying to increase my concentration span some. I'm currently reading another of the Chronicles of Narnia books. I'm not enjoying quite as much, but I think it's because my mind is wanting me to continue reading the series that I was reading before. I'll get back to it after I've finished reading the CS Lewis book.

By this time of the year, I've normally felt the Lord prompting me to do things for people in preparation for Christmas, but so far this year, I haven't felt to do anything. It will seem strange if I don't do anything this year.

In any case, things will be busy towards the end of the year. Joan's got an important birthday in January, and she is having two gatherings. A dinner on her actual birthday, and then an afternoon tea a few days later. I'll be doing a lot of the organising.

We've decided not to give each other much for Christmas etc as we're going to try and save some money. Around September/October of next year, we want to try and have a holiday. It will be a belated celebration for Joan's birthday. If we can save enough money, we are going to go to Tasmania, a south eastern state of Australia. We were there a few years ago, but didn't get to see as much as we would have liked to. I'd been sick and slept for a lot of the time we were away. This time, we will base ourselves in two cities and hire a car to be able to travel around in. Hopefully we'll be able to save the money and be able to go. We'll see.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (8/7/2007 12:41:15 PM)

Today, I was shocked to get an email from my oldest brother. Normally I only get emails from my brothers for birthdays and Christmas, if I'm lucky. So, just actually getting an email from him was a surprise. The real shock came when he told me that he and his wife are moving to the Gold Coast on the other side of the country from me in January. His son, (my nephew), his partner and their kids are coming over too. My niece will remain behind in New Zealand and rent her parent's house. My oldest brother thinks that it won't be long before their daughter and her kids come over to Australia too. I'm really in shock. I never thought I'd ever see the day when they would decide to pack up and move country. Other than a couple of short stays in our younger brother's time share holiday place, they've never been there before. They obviously liked what they saw though and have said that they will have to learn to adapt to the drought conditions that we have here. He sees that there is a lot more opportunity here than there is back in New Zealand. My brother was saying that he is shocked that they are going to be coming over here to Australia too.

Our youngest brother has just moved to the city where the oldest brother lives for work purposes. (I have 2 brothers). My two brothers are really close. When my brother and sil had to go there for work, they would stay with our eldest brother. They were supposed to be moving to that city in January, but they have started moving down there already. The last of the furniture gets moved into their new house gets moved in this weekend. I thought that they were looking forward to spending more time together. They are really close. It seems strange that one is going to be fleeing that country after my other brother moving.

I'm shocked. I never thought he'd pack up some of his family and move to Australia. Don't get me wrong. I think it's great. I just can't get over it, and neither can he from the email. Whether or not the youngest brother eventually follows and comes over here will remain to be seen.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (8/10/2007 11:13:43 AM)

Still feeling strange about the fact that my brother is coming over to Australia. Don't quite know why. He'll be closer. Maybe we'll get closer somehow. I don't really know my brother and his family. My oldest brother moved out when I was 6, and I didn't have much to do with his kids. I've never met his grandkids, or the partners of my neice and nephew.

Yesterday, a friend of ours has loaned us his spare vehicle, as ours in need of some mechanical work. That, in and of itself, is a real blessing. Then he asked what was wrong with our car and he was told. We had it booked in to get some work done to it next week. He told us that we should get all the work done on the car that it needs and he will pay for all the repairs. That is such a blessing! Thankyou Lord! That will help with finances some.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (8/15/2007 11:33:23 AM)

Ever felt like you don't know where you fit? Like you don't know what you're supposed to be doing? That's where I am right now. At the moment, I'm not really doing much. I'm enjoying reading novels, although I'm still having problems concentrating on them sometimes. There are times when I have to re-read things, and still don't understand or comprehend what I read. I've been doing a lot of resting due to not being well. I know that there are times when we need to rest, but I'm so restless, as normally by now, I have an idea of what the Lord is wanting me to do.

For several years, I've been involved in doing things for Christmas. Other times of the year too, but it just seems that the Lord has me do little things to bless others at Christmas time. People in the community, friends overseas etc. I get a real kick out of being a blessing to people. I get real joy out of getting gifts organised and distributed. The vast majority of people don't know that they're coming, so that adds all the more fun for me. Giving with no expectation of return. I love it! This year, no leading.

It's not just about Christmas. Yes, I love the gift giving, but I just feel, not only with Christmas, that I just feel like I'm aimless. I don't know where I'm going. I have absolutely no idea what the Lord wants me to be doing. Where to be heading in ministry. I don't know where I fit in in the whole grand scheme of things.

I don't know where I fit in with people either. I know depression has played a large part of things. I haven't been going to church as regularly as I had been in the past. For a while, it was because I was struggling with how I felt people were perceiving me due to different situations. Then I got sick and couldn't get to church. There were times when I just didn't want to go to church. Some of it is feeling that I'm really not interesting enough to have friends, (even if I didn't have depression). I don't work, have a family, share the same interests as the people around me. Even when I did spend a lot of time with people my own age, unless they already knew me well, people wouldn't talk to me. I used to share a house with a couple of other girls, and they would get the attention and I was not interesting enough to be engaged in conversation with. Part of me wonders that if I'm not interesting enough, then how will I ever get married? That is after they can get past my physical appearance. I'm not the gorgeous skinny girl that men tend to want. For years, I've either walked along as though I'm either invisible, or I have people who are nasty and make horrible comments about my physical appearance. I don't know where I fit in to the grand scheme of things. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm asking Him. I don't think the Lord wants me sitting reading novels all the time.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (8/22/2007 11:01:54 AM)

Last time I talked about not knowing where I fit. What God wants me to be doing. How I fit relationally with others. Well, today I got a letter that tells me a little bit of where I fit.

A couple of months ago, I wrote to my dad's sister and asked her about my dad. My dad and I weren't close. He was always at work when I was home, other than when he had days off, and then they were spent with him drinking a lot. My dad was an alcoholic. He didn't talk a lot about his past. I didn't know what he was like growing up, what his likes and dislikes were etc. He was gone most of the time that my aunty was growing up, so she didn't know a lot of those things either. It was good though in that she shared what she did know about him. The time that he spent in the Navy and little bits of information that she had about him. She sent me some photos of him as a little boy. A copy of her wedding photo with my dad and grandparents in it too. Some photos of her daughters, (my cousins), which I've never met or seen before. She sent me a copy of part of her mother's family tree. I've decided that when I get a chance, I'm going to try and find out more of my family tree. Who people were, what they did. I don't have a clue about how to go about it, but I guess I'll find out.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (9/3/2007 10:17:09 AM)

I'm not a happy camper tonight. Bailey hasn't been well for a few days now. We just thought that it would be something that he gets over like he has in the past. We just thought that it was some tummy upset. Now we know that it's something more serious.

This afternoon I was out spending some time with him. He didn't seem himself. He wasn't as active as he normally is. He'd just wander a few steps and then sit down. We have a retaining wall around the garden, which he can normally jump without any problems. He's jumped much higher in the past, onto a table we use to bath him etc. This afternoon, he just walked over to it and sat in front of it, and you could see that he was wishing that he could jump over it like he normally does. When he eventually tried it, his front legs made it, but his back legs didn't and he was dragging them up. He didn't try more than the once.

As the day wore on, I noticed that he wasn't walking his normal walk. He was waddling. The whole taking a few steps and then sitting was way more frequent. We took him to the vet this evening and they don't know at this stage what is wrong with him. The vet did say that his back legs aren't moving as freely as they should be, and he seems to be having pain in his lower back as well, even though he's not yelping in pain or anything. He managed to walk himself into the vet's office, but we're pretty sure that that was adrenaline as he doesn't leave the yard for any reason, other than to go to the vet. They've given him some anti-inflammatories to see if that helps. First thing in the morning, we have to take him back to the vet. They are going to anaesthetize him and take some xrays of his hips and lower back. They are also going to check out his stomach as he's been having a few problems there too. The vet said that the only way they would be able to move his legs and hips to see what's going on is to anaesthetize him. They couldn't do it with him awake. In a walk of about 13 yards, he had to sit down about 4 times enroute. That's not good.

So, if you think of us, and particularly Bailey, please say a prayer that God would heal him and keep him from pain. Thanks.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (9/9/2007 12:24:10 PM)

Today a secret Christian came to our church. She was brought along by a woman who teaches English to new migrants. I was a little taken aback when I saw this woman walk in, dressed in a burka (sp?) My friend introduced her to me. She told me this woman's name, and that she is a secret Christian. I've never met a secret Christian before. Living in Australia, I thought that everybody had the freedom to worship and adore God any time that they wanted. It seems that I hadn't taken into consideration people from other cultures and religions, who didn't have that freedom, even in a country that allows it.

This woman's family have no idea that she has become a Christian. The only reason that she got to church this morning was that she'd told her husband that her English teacher was going to be taking her out for coffee this morning. If anybody found out from her culture that she was a Christian, she would be killed. In what was her religion, she was never to associate with Christians, let alone actually become one!

Imagine what it would be like if we were not able to worship God and give Him our praises when we wanted to, in the way that we wanted to? How would we cope? If we had to hide our bibles and have bible studies in absolute secrecry, how would we cope? Would we still, beyond the shadow of a doubt be able to follow the Lord with very little help, and every assurance that if we were ever found out, we would die? I admire this woman. She has turned her back on the religion that she was part of before and start again.

Slight detour. Bailey is slowly getting better. He still can't climb. He still needs to take seats every now again again Hopefully it won't be much longer before he's properly well agin.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (9/24/2007 7:54:45 PM)

Can somebody just flick a switch and choose to be different? A couple of weeks ago, one of the pastors at church told me that happiness is a choice and that I just need to choose to be happy. Choose not to be in the depression that I've been in ever since I was a child. He also said that the eating disorder I have is cognitive. I can choose to stop eating the foods that I'm eating and the quantities that I'm having. What do you think? I'm going to talk to my doctor about it when I see him tomorrow.

Thinking about that conversation, last night I had a talk with Joan and John about it. I had a two and a half hour cry over it and the frustrations that I've been feeling. I've been feeling like a failure. I don't have a ministry. I don't feel that I'm encouraging anybody around CW. I'm posting, but not anything of real substance. I don't feel as easy to talk around here as I used to. Not that you have done anything wrong, but I just don't feel as though I have anything meaningful to say. Nothing to start or continue a real conversation. I'm tired of being so sick all the time. My health issues are getting to me. I get test results back from the doctor tomorrow, and I really don't think he's going to be too happy with me. That's stressing me out. I'm just feeling a lot of stress and frustration.

On a brighter note, Bailey is doing a lot better. He's running around with new vigour. He's jumping a lot. There's one place he used to jump up onto easily which he hasn't conquered, but that's ok. He'll get there. He's doing so well. Partly because he's feeling better after feeling so sick. Partly because he doesn't have the extra weight of his wool on him anymore. He was clipped last week and suddenly had extra energy. His wool was pretty thick, but we couldn't get him clipped any earlier. It must have been pretty heavy on him.

Yesterday, I made some banana jam as a trial for Christmas. It was pretty tasty. I've got a list of a few things that I'd like to make for Christmas presents, but have to wait until some of the produce is cheaper.



Page: <<   < prev  7 8 [9] 10 11   next >   >>



Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI