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RE: ZamDad's World - 7/6/2008 6:45:15 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
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July 6, 2008
I find myself in a bit of a quandary today. As most of you who read this blog know, I’ve been under a great deal of stress. Once again, it’s all situational.
In two days, we celebrate our 19th anniversary. My sister asked me the question last night, if you could go back and do it all over again, would you marry her. When I answer it honestly, I have to say no.
So much of the situational stuff that has plagued our marriage comes down to money. Neither of us has been good at handling money. We’ve dug huge holes and have gotten ourselves out of these holes each and every time. Problem is, I’m tired of repeating the cycle. Just like each previous time, I keep hoping this time will be the last. I keep hoping that this time she will change her patterns.
Our present situation finds us unable to make our mortgage payments. We have been in contact with our lender and are working on trying to make arrangements to prevent foreclosure. Losing my house in and of itself is something I can handle. But, we have her parents’ home on our property. If I lose my place, they’re out too.
I have spoken with both my mom and my sister and they have both “suggested” that I move on. My mother has said she feels my wife has been less than honest with me about things. My sister is concerned for me because in the 19 years I’ve been married, she really doesn’t know my wife. Every time my sister calls, if my wife answers the phone, she hands it over to me. There’s no talk past the small stuff.
I’m troubled today as I write this because I have found myself thinking long and hard about their thoughts and suggestions. Communication at home between my wife and myself has never been strong. When it comes to spending, we’ve both been irresponsible. Yet, as I look back through the years at each of the holes we’ve crawled out of, I’ve been the one to fix the problem.
There is a difference this time. I’ve raised my hands in surrender and have given her the responsibility of contacting the mortgage company. I’ve also given up on trying to know how much money is in our account. For the first time in nearly 20 years, she is entering our financial info into a record and keeping track of where money is going. Once again, I hope that all will be well.
At the same time, I find myself giving up in other areas. I am still having difficulty finding passion in God. I know all the sayings about drawing near to Him and finding comfort. Yet, I feel like I’ve done this time and time again and here I am again. There is no more comfort in where I search for Him. I feel like I have become one of the hypocrites I detested that kept me away from church. My integrity is something I value deeply. I feel like my wife does not hold this same value for integrity that I do. It seems that she does not see where her actions reflect on me as well. I feel like she still views us as two separate people who happen to be married. I do not get the sense that she sees us as one flesh in the same way I view our marriage.
I really hate to write stuff like this. I fear her reaction if she were to ever read it. Yet, I take some comfort in the fact that she will, most likely, never take the time to read through any of this blog. If she does read this one, she’ll say “I can’t believe you think this way.”
I want to be able to honestly say that I would love to marry her all over again. But, I fear for the future of our marriage in the empty nest years. We don’t really talk. We don’t share that many interests together apart from the kids. Yes, I really do need God’s strength. But why does it feel like I’m the one doing all the work?
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 7/27/2008 2:09:04 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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7-27-08
I’m simply writing to keep this blog alive. I find myself with nothing significant to say. As I read through the past few posts, it’s depressing. Things are still the same. I’m working like crazy and barely making it.
We cancelled our TV. It’s been good as it gets the kids out of the house. It hasn’t really fostered better communication yet. At least, not that I can see. I’m working nights and everyone is gone to one place or another during the day.
I’ve been getting most of my news from the radio or the internet. It’s been interesting reading about or hearing the reports about Barakstar Obama on his overseas trip. I did happen to see some coverage of his trip on the TV the other day while at the gym. The picture I saw was a young black girl and a middle aged white woman standing in Berlin listening to him speak. The look in their eyes was as if they were seeing a rock star.
I don’t get it. Why the fascination? What is it about him that makes people go nuts? Thus far, his speeches I’ve heard haven’t said anything of substance. All too frequently he sounds like a blubbering fool. It’s glaringly apparent that when he has to think for himself and not use the teleprompter he chokes on words.
I’ve also come to the conclusion that Al Gore is the modern Charles Darwin. Mr. Gore has taken theory and pushed it into the public realm via the media as fact.
As I said, nothing of substance today, just needed to post to keep this thing alive. By the way. Thanks for your prayers.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 8/15/2008 4:57:11 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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8-14-08
My wife and I were driving home from the cities yesterday and had quite a conversation about the church. We’ve both been involved in church leadership for quite some time now.
I think the conversation began with her telling me about a meeting she had with the music and worship committee. The leader of the group was pushing for other members to attend a conference where they could all learn about more effective leadership in music and worship. The cost of the conference is a bout $200 for each person.
My wife said she has been to dozens of conferences and does not feel that another conference is gong to be the magic pill that’s going to get everyone on the same sheet of music. God gifted my wife with an ability to lead music and worship and to speak to the congregation in meaningful language to prepare and draw others into worship. She said, in her mind, music is not the crux of worship, the preaching of the word is.
Somehow, the conversation turned to the programs offered in the church. This is something that has been a burr under my saddle for quite some time. We have programmed things to such an extent, we no longer fulfill the one anothers of scripture. She spoke about how we, as Christians, tend to be like Amway salesman as we have an agenda.
Our little church is no different than most. One of the things our pastor has really been pushing over the past few years is evangelism and outreach. These are words that have importance within the Christian communality. But, what do they mean? To most attenders of the church it means coming together to meet and plan some sort of event to push our agenda on some other person.
I hate to discuss this in this manner because I don’t see Christ as and “agenda.” Yet what scares most unbelievers away from the church? Knowing that they are going to have an agenda thrust upon them before they leave.
One of the things I learned while working as a probation officer is that people are spiritually hungry. But, they want someone to be there to listen to then, to walk along side them, they want their sermon to be by example, not forced upon them. Far too many Christians I have met in my life are so consumed with spreading the gospel that they have forgotten how to relate with the people they seek to serve.
Seems to me that we need to get away from the programs that we, the church, offer and get back to learning how to be friends with people. To get back to the one anothers of the gospel. Following another conversation here on Crosswalk, it seems we need to begin this within our own homes first, then spread it through our communities.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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