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RE: ZamDad's World - 8/24/2005 11:30:35 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
Joined: 4/8/2005
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August 24, 2005
Life has had some ups and downs over the past few months. I neglected to post in my blog for a period of time and came in to find it gone. I found myself getting frustrated with the CW cite after the merger. I began to question my own sanity after becoming involved in a conversation that was going nowhere. It felt like arguing with a four year old.
I have missed being able to post my writings. I received some positive feedback from some people. Others have written back with their own form of constructive criticism. I feel blessed knowing that others may be blessed by what they read here.
I will do my best to keep posting here.
ZamDad
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 8/27/2005 10:42:30 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
Joined: 4/8/2005
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August 27, 2005
Life has taken many turns since departing CW. Some of the changes that have occurred have somewhat shaken my faith. I have no one to blame but myself for the lack of growth in my relationship with Christ. I have neglected getting into The Word and spending time with Him. I know this is the primary source of my distress. He sends me reminders everyday of His desire to spend time with me. All too often I find a plethora of excuses in the busyness of life to not spend the time He wants of me.
As I look at things, I find other reasons that I ignore (if not outright run from) the call. I have no one to connect with. I can connect with my wife. But, there are some aspects of what I do in my profession that I cannot share with her. I can trust her not to violate confidentiality and all that. She has made it more than clear that she does not want to hear the details of what I have to deal with everyday. I have agreed to respect her wishes. I also try my best to balance out my time so that she and the kids are at the top of my priority list. I take time of work and get the family together to do things. I attend nearly all of the kids activities both in school and out. I coach the soccer team. I attend all the 4H meetings and shuttle kids and horses to events scattered over the countryside.
My relationship with my wife is strong. Aside from not being able to discuss work with her, we talk about anything and everything. We go out on dates frequently. We serve our Lord together through the church and in the community as well as in our home.
I am a truly blessed man. While not materially rich, I am rich in so many ways. I have my health, I have a great family, I have a job I love, I have a place in the country with horses, a garden and room to grow into a self sufficient small farm. I attend a great church that is growing tremendously. I believe we live up to our mission statement: Encourage people to meet Christ, mature in their faith, and equip each other to continually grow. The Lord has showered His abundant blessings on me. Why do I feel so empty?
I know the answer to the question was stated at the beginning of this writing. Yet, there is another element that is so crucial. I lack connection to others outside my immediate family. Since taking on a leadership position as chair of the deacon board, going to church has become another day of doing business. It is difficult to worship at church because everything become about business. Within the deacon board, I should have a group of men that I can become very close with to form strong relationships with a lot of accountability. Yet, I am the youngest member of the board. Most are retired and only spend the summer in our area. The snowbirds fly to warmer climates for the winter months. The couple of other members who remain in the area are also extremely busy with their families and professional lives. Geographically, we all live far enough apart that trying to find time to connect in a central location is extremely difficult.
The pastor is probably my best hope of having someone to connect with. As the chair, I am supposed to have a closer relationship with him. He lives across the road from me. He is the closest geographically. I know that the chemistry between he and I is not strong, but we have Christ as a common bond and Christ is stronger than anything. Since becoming chair, I have made extra efforts to connect with the pastor so I can understand what he has going on and provide what he needs to effectively minister. I have searched an assortment of ways to build a stronger form of communication between the pastor and myself, it seems to go nowhere. He is a highly effective communicator from the pulpit, but when it comes to managing his time and making sure that information is passed from point A to B through the proper channels, he operates as the Lone Ranger.
I think I feel empty because I feel lonely. I have many people in my circle of influence. I have more than enough activity and people in my life that I should not feel lonely. But, all the relationships in my circle of influence are superficial. I see this all too much in the offenders I work with. They deal with things on the surface and n ever venture beneath. But, I am beginning to see this with my relationships with those in my church as well. There is much talk about getting below the surface and developing accountability and strong relationships, but when it gets down to brass tacks, people don’t want to know what’s truly going on with those they associate with. It seems that knowing what’s going on beneath the surface might require some form of effort and accountability is work too. Therefore, it’s easier to keep the relationship superficial and pretend we are getting deep.
Since I am not finding fulfillment in serving my church, I have turned back to education to find an outlet. It’s a temporary fix to a long term problem, but maybe God will bring someone into my life to become a Ranger Buddy.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 8/28/2005 11:13:40 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
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August 28, 2005
I’ve been thinking of so many things to write for my blog. But, I get before the computer, and my mind goes numb. I have been thinking a lot lately about how superficial our relationships are with one another. I wrote in my last post about how I seem to be unable to connect with the pastor and as the chair of the deacon board, I should be having regular contact with him. Our contact should be regular regardless of our chemistry. Just for the sake of business, we should be communicating more frequently.
His sermon today touched on reaching out and accepting those around us. Accepting those who live differently. In essence, he seemed to be preaching about getting dirty with the lost and those who need Christ the most. He also touched on supporting those within the church serving in various capacities and how we need to embrace and appreciate them. While I am in full agreement that we do, I sense that the matter is nothing more than lip service. He nearly boasted about how he engages in relationships with several members of the church and the special greeting we have for one another. Yet, I don’t see any of his relationships with those in the church scratching beneath the surface beyond what others want him to see.
Getting beneath the mask requires getting deep and dirty in someone else’s garbage. It also requires transparency on the part of the other after a close examination of self to be certain that we are not hoarding garbage of our own. He cited me as an example of a close relationship and acknowledged our special greeting with a hug and a slap on the back. While he may feel a sense of intimacy in the relationship, it’s not a reciprocal feeling. I have gone to him in the past to dump garbage in a counseling type situation only to find that the garbage discarded was used to maneuver in church politics. Intimacy as he described in his sermon takes up both sides of the highway. I am one who has not been permitted on his side of the highway. I have gone over the line on purpose a couple of times because, as the chairman of the board, I have been required to address a given matter. Those times I have invited myself to his side of the highway have been met with promises of pondering the matter in prayer, but the practical application or follow through has not produced the desired fruit.
I find myself at a point where I am ready to quit. I desire to serve and love serving. But, our service seems to be directed toward programming as opposed to discipleship. True discipleship means engaging in deep interpersonal relationship. I want to help our church develop leaders. We don’t develop anything through programs. We create more ways to interact with each other without getting through the superficiality.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 8/28/2005 11:50:20 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
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August 28, 2005
Johnny
Johnny is a thief. Not only does he steal anything that catches his fancy, he is an oxygen thief. He can’t hold a job longer than a month. He soaks the system for every dollar he can get. Johnny came into my life several years ago after he and another guy had been caught burglarizing a series of homes in broad daylight. Johnny and his compadre walked through a country neighborhood and broke into locked homes. Each home they entered they indiscriminately vandalized. There was no rationale to the items they took. They took food from some houses, toys from some houses, knick knacks, and finally found a rifle in one of the homes. It was the rifle that led them to get caught. They used the rifle to go out and vandalize more property by firing rounds at whatever they felt like making a target.
Now, Johnny has two children of his own and has no visible means of supporting them. He works the occasional odd job, especially if it pays cash he does not have to report. I have been over to his house countless times and have found that the garbage piles up continuously. Among the items in the garbage are bits and pieces of electronic equipment, food that has been sitting out for who knows how long, dirty diapers rolling from broken garbage bags, and clothing that is so soiled it nearly stands on its own. He does nothing to help his girlfriend. If she is hurting, he just stares at her as if he does not understand why she is expressing discomfort. While she has both kids in her arms, he lights another cigarette. It nearly seems that he may have worn himself out by expending the energy to light his own cigarette. He does this despite the sign on the door that says absolutely no smoking inside. The other thing that struck me in addition to the garbage was the amount of porn in the house. There were stacks of hard core porn magazines and an assortment of porn videos scattered about the house. Is all that welfare money buying porn?
Why is Johnny the way he is? It’s hard to say, but if environment has anything to do with it, there is an explanation. When I first met Johnny, his mother attended the interview. I was asking Johnny questions and had to stop her from answering the questions for him. While I did not want her answering the questions and could have asked her to leave, she provided some great insight into her son. She informed me that all of her children were collecting social security disability. She said that he had the alphabet soup of disorders with ADHD, ODD, PTSD, and other disorders containing the remaining 19 letters of the alphabet. I finally got him to tell me what he wanted to do with his life. He spoke about wanting to become an over the road trucker. She blurted out that he was not going to be able to do drive truck because of his disorders and because he was now going to have a felony on his record. I asked what he was doing to keep himself occupied. She said she was paying Johnny to stay home and work on the farm. Because he was getting SSI disability and had proven himself to be irresponsible with his money, she was his protective payee. She gave him an allowance out of this money for working on the farm. A visit to the farm showed me that no one works on that property. Not unless they are farming garbage.
I saw Johnny on his way to court recently. He told me he was there to declare bankruptcy. He said that his mother had a credit card in his name and she had maxed it out and not paid the bill. I re-read Johnny’s file and recalled that his mother was at the scene when the police found him burglarizing the homes. She told the officers that she was there because her son had called and said he needed a ride home. Within a few days of seeing Johnny in court, I saw his mother driving into a neighboring town hauling a trailer full of stuff to a house that has a perpetual garage sale. It makes me think that Johnny’s mother is the ringleader of a family criminal enterprise. All of her kids have convictions for theft. All the convictions except for Johnny’s come from counties spread throughout the state.
Now, Johnny is trying to make it on his own. He has no skills. He is unable to hold a job because he has never been required to have ambition for anything beyond the moment. He has no understanding of how to care for children because no one ever cared for him. Instead of being a child, he was a commodity. He was a source of income for a very greedy mother and then he had an unblemished name she could use to obtain credit and buy more things without having to pay.
The so what of this all is the question of how do we reach Johnny to get him to change his thinking? To see that there is something beyond the moment? To break the cycle so that his kids do not become oxygen thieves and consume a vast amount of resources while never contributing to the greater good? The church has the answer. Is anyone willing to dive in?
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 8/31/2005 8:17:06 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
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August 31, 2005
My mind is always filled with so many things to write. I sit here at the computer and never quite no where to go. My fingers strike the keys and my mind chooses a direction. I have been thinking about this a lot in the past year. In my line of work, I get lied to daily. Some are easy to spot, others take a lot more work.
I interviewed a woman in the jail yesterday. She had been in the area for the past year with her husband and kids. She came to then attention of our child protection unit when her husband had taken the kids with him trying to locate her. The husband was met by her friends who fired shots at him and the kids. It was learned that the woman was into meth and that she had walked away from her husband and kids. I’ve seen this too many times now. I’ve seen meth take far too many mothers away from their offspring. Far too many women who are willing to sell their children for a high. It makes me sick.
As I sat to interview this woman yesterday, she told me she had been an officer in the Marine Corps. I asked her MOS and she replied she did not have one. She went on to say she was NCIS and that she did not have an MOS. In military terms, not having an MOS is like not having a social security number. When one asks a soldier what their MOS is, they are able to spit out the numerical designator as it it’s a part of their identity.
I did some digging through other states with people who know her and found that none of them were aware of her having ever served in the armed forces. She also denied use of meth and said that she was trying to help out people who were involved in meth.
I called her bluff and told her I believed she was lying. She began balling and telling me that she does not need people like me telling her that she is a liar. She went on about how she is trying to do good things in life and that it hurts when someone comes in and accuses her of lying. As she hurled her hurts at me, I stood there with no expression. I am unable to feel sorry for people who blatantly lie.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/2/2005 10:58:43 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
Joined: 4/8/2005
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September 2, 2005
I have not watched much of the news over the past few weeks. New Orleans and the gulf coast are the major headlines. It’s difficult to watch. Frankly, the busyness of my own life is a good excuse not to tune in intently and dwell on the devastation.
As I was driving home today I heard the Reverend Jesse Jackson speaking about how the government has let the people in the gulf down. How our national security lacks any sense of security. I wish I could recall his exact words. My tendency when I hear the Reverend Jesse Jackson is to tune him out. I’ve never been able to respect him. After his extramarital liaisons were brought to life, his credibility sunk into the negative rating in my book.
I struggle that he uses the term “Reverend.” To me, a reverend is supposed to be a minister, someone who knows, lives and preaches God’s word. Jesse only seems to speak divisiveness. In his comments today, he was criticizing the role of the government for falling short of protecting and providing for the people.
If he is a minister, why is he using his position to cause division instead of reaching out to help anyone and everyone he can? Why is he not preaching Jesus Christ as opposed to what appears to be his won personal agenda? Then, I have to ask why the media pays attention to him? I know it has to do with controversy and producing headlines which produce revenue. It’s too bad Jesse can use tragedy to promote his own agenda.
On another note, I rode with one of the local cops to a domestic assault call. It turned out that I knew the couple involved in the dispute. It’s not the first one they’ve had. At least no one got hit today. But, she wanted him out of the house. She wanted him to take his kids with.
I really felt bad for these kids. To see their parental figures in the heat of an argument is traumatizing enough. But to have the cops and the probation officer show up adds to the trauma. Then to have to pack what you can into a bag and, in the middle of the afternoon, have to ride to who know where. Once they arrive at the new location, they have to wonder how long they are going to live in that residence.
How sad for these kids. I can almost guarantee that I will see these kids on my caseload once they become adults because the example being set for them shows them that chaos is the norm and that problems are solved through drugs, alcohol and fighting.
My wife is concerned that I am becoming too cynical. I can see why she is concerned. I have become cynical. I see the depths of humanity daily and I see so many ways in which Christ can reach out to help pull the lost out of the muck and mire. But I also see so many who profess Christ not willing to get out of the comfort zones they live in and reach out to the lost and walk along side them on their journey in Christ.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/9/2005 3:48:43 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
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September 9, 2005
I haven’t been able to get here for a few days. I figured I better post something so I don’t disappear into e-blivion again.
We are getting DSL next week. Living in the boonies is wonderful. But, when it comes to technology, no one wants to provide service to those of us who choose to live outside the urban box. We are getting a satellite system installed that will allow us to have DSL and network the computers.
I have been operating on dial up and am only able to have one computer on line at a time. I had a second phone line into the house. I went to the phone company, which also provides my internet service, and requested the second phone line to be dropped. Instead, they cut off my internet service and kept the second phone line open. They tell me today they have it fixed.
While I am looking forward to having better internet service, the few days of no internet as kind of nice too. With no internet in the house, there were no fights over the computer as each kid screams, “I have to check my email.” With the network in the house, kids can use the computers for their email, homework, research, whatever. But, it also means dad gets to do more cyber patrol. Maybe I should just get the computers out of the house and live a simpler life. It could be like Green Acres with kids.
I’m still struggling with the church situation. As the chair of the deacon board, I should be having regular contact with the pastor. I am tired of having to chase him down all the time. The only time he contacts me is to bounce his lofty visions off me. After our last conversation about his visions, he has not made any more effort to contact me. He keeps coming up with ministry ideas, the development of more programs. He keeps saying it’s not about the program. It’s about relationships. I’m not seeing the relationships develop and I keep hearing more about ministries/committees/programs.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/11/2005 12:57:39 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
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September 10, 2005
Change is the only constant factor in life. It’s a concept I have gotten used to. I think that many people are frightened by change. I have been in the past. As a general rule, I’m not bothered by it because I expect it.
My wife has told me recently that my job is changing me. That I am becoming more cynical. I know I have changed as a result of my job, my experience in life, and my experience with the church. I have made some radical changes when I examine the stages of life. Some call it maturity. I have matured, but maturation is about change. Maturation, in general terms, means change is for the better.
While my wife has addressed the change she is seeing me. I am seeing change in her. She has recently begun working in a new field. She is the only female on her staff. She gets a LOT of attention from the guys. She enjoys the attention. She assures me that I have nothing to worry about. For the most part, I don’t worry about her stepping out. I am worried because she seems to want to pursue the wild side.
She tells me that she liked the way I was when we met. She says she wants me to take her dancing more often because when I dance, she gets aroused. When we met, she was the one who got me to quit my drinking and carousing. She was the impetus for change in bringing me to maturity in life and in Christ. Now she is telling me she wants the old, wild me to come back. Toby Keith some it up perfectly in his country song “I Aint As Good As I Once Was.”
I still like to dance. If my dancing gets her in the mood, I like it even more. But, I hate the scene where the dancing occurs. I have no desire to hang out in the bars anymore. I have been there, done that and have already thrown away all the T-shirts.
Last night we went out with another couple to a bar/restaurant an hour from home. We had a great time. On the way home though, she kept asking if I liked her dancing in her high heel shoes. You mean she had shoes on? She kept asking if I liked the dress she was wearing. Yes, it was a nice dress. She said she was surprised that I closed my eyes as much as I did while dancing. First off, the dance floor was crowded and I felt like I was slam dancing with AARP members. Primarily, I watch other people when I dance. I watch other people wherever I am. I closed my eyes to not watch others and to feel the music so I could shake in the way I thought she wanted me to so I would get the desired result when we got home. She kept telling me as I drove home how we need to do this more often. That dancing like this is fun and that I need to let myself go and show some of the old me.
The old me was not pretty. Yes, I can dance. I can shake it in a way that makes her desire me as described in the Song of Solomon. But, other women take notice of this too. Women are more aggressive than in the days I learned to dance. I worked as a male stripper for a period of time and have seen how women can be. I do not want to be put in a situation that is like reliving the past. While I am not as good as I once was, I am good once as I ever was.
So, I have to ask. Who’s changing? I know I am, but is she recognizing where she is changing? Does she focus on my changes to detract from the changes she is going through? Change being the one constant factor in life sure helps life to remain more interesting.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/11/2005 10:46:55 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
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September 11, 2005
I talked with our youth pastor tonight and expressed some of the challenges I have been facing lately. He seems to have a keen listening ear. He also has wisdom well beyond his 26 years.
I attempted to talk with the pastor after church. He asked me how I was doing. I told him okay. He asked, “Just okay?” I told him, just okay. I told him that I had begun a new class to fill a void; to have an outlet. It seems that in my life, I have three things that occupy my time: family, work and church. I have plenty of stuff to fill my busy schedule, but nothing to do for fun/recreation. As I began to speak to him, he looked at the floor and just stared at the carpet or his shoe strings or something. He looked as if he were searching for something to say. I wanted him to ask more and dig deeper. After all, a couple of weeks back his sermon spoke about digging deeper and asking how are you really doing.
I told the youth pastor about my frustration with the position as the chairman and how, on a personal level, I don’t feel like I have been living up to the standard God expects of me. I told him how alcohol had reentered my life and that, until very recently, I was drinking every night. It didn’t make the problems go away, but it made me feel better for a moment and it made it easier to sleep. I told him how it felt like I was keeping this big secret where everything looks unblemished on the surface, but that the veneer to the mask was wearing thin and the secret was about to be exposed to provide more fodder for the church gossip chain. I told him how I have become frustrated with the superficiality of Christians. How we all speak about how we need to reach out to those who are hurting the most, but that we refuse to leave the pew or get off the couch to actually reach out to “one of them.” I shared that I have found this applies to myself as well. Even though I am in the trenches on a daily basis working with some of the most unlovable people on the planet, I can’t make myself available to the many more I come across where I feel God tug on my sleeve and nudge me to disciple. The demands of family life, work schedules and ministry responsibilities do not allow me the time to do the work God has for me. Yet, I also know I am only one man and that the tug I feel may not be from God. It could be the ploy of the adversary bringing those feelings of guilt for not living up to what I think God wants me to do. I find myself getting angry because of the old saying that the harvest is plentiful and the workers are few. This worker is beginning to feel burnt out.
My youth pastor asked me an interesting question regarding my wife. He asked how she was doing and I expressed some concern about some changes I am seeing in her. He asked me if she was submissive in our relationship, if she let me lead. Of course, I told him yes, but as I drove home I pondered the matter some more. Now I have to ask myself, who really does lead? I have adopted a saying I heard from George Bush Sr. regarding marriage. I am the head of the household, but she is the neck that turns the head. Sometimes I wonder if I am truly taking the leadership role God desires. I feel like I am often led around. I have to make decisions, but I am manipulated and led into places/situations where I am forced to make a decision that will be met with defiance.
As I look back at my relationship with my wife, she has used sex as a tool to get what she wants. Before we were married, she used sex to keep me from going to classes or fulfilling other responsibilities. She knows this is the area where I am weakest. When I was in the guard, she used sex to get me to come home from field training in the middle of the night leaving my soldiers without a commanding officer. She now wants me to take her dancing and spend time in bars. She uses sex to get her way. I go despite my desire not to because I know there is going to be a payoff at the end of the night. My youth pastor may have more insight than he realizes.
I am not cut out to be a deacon in the church. I am not living for Christ anymore. Right now, I am just trying to stay alive in Him.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/12/2005 11:02:16 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
Joined: 4/8/2005
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September 12, 2005
I have written about my wife getting a new job. She is the sole female among a group of diesel charged, turbo testosterone driven equipment operators. She has an administrative role among these guys, keeping their schedules intact and coordinating events/activities, etc. She still dresses feminine in her position, but her interactions with the guys make her one of the guys. She relates well to men. I get a little concerned only because I feel that I know men better than she.
It’s kind of ironic that she works with all men and my occupation seems to be dominated by females. I get along well with the women, but they are much more complicated creatures. Us guys are very simple.
I have been pondering something her coworkers asked about me recently. They wanted to know what I am into. They are in to their heavy equipment and their motorcycles. One has a sail boat and sails to exotic places every summer. Each of them have traditional guy hobbies. When she was asked, she was unable to answer. She said I am into ice hockey. Good answer, but since leaving Alaska, I have been unable to play hockey.
As I sit and think about what I am into, I gave up most of my hobbies to focus on my relationship with Christ followed by my relationship with her and the kids. I came to the realization several years ago that I have to sacrifice the things I want to do while I focus on raising my family. In order to be the best dad possible, I have to love Christ first and foremost and love her above all earthly things. Some of the best advice I have ever received was that the best thing I can do for my kids is love their mother.
As change seems to be occurring in the ZamDad household, I have given some consideration to the question posed to her. I am into my family. I am into my job. I am into my church. Someday, I might get to lace up the skates again. I don’t tinker with mechanical things. I like to write. I think that if I ever left my current position, I would become involved in a prison ministry. I like the connection I get with people and seeing them change for the better. I understand the frustration of working with people and not seeing change take place.
As I sit and write about this, I have also been thinking about influence. One of my chief complaints about the Christian community is that the culture seems to have more influence than scripture. As my wife enters this new job, I am beginning to wonder who has more influence? Her, or the culture in the work environment. Right now the culture seems to be winning as opposed to her influencing her coworkers for Christ. She will tell me she is in the world and not of the world. While I can see this as truth previously, the change occurring in her indicates she is more of the world presently than she believes.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/14/2005 11:54:08 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
Joined: 4/8/2005
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September 14, 2005
In light of things that have been going on at church lately, I decided that I was going to scale back. AWANA started tonight. At the end of our AWANA program last spring, I told the commander that I was not wanting to continue in the fall. I am not an AWANA leader, I simply run the PowerPoint for songs. No one from the AWANA program asked me if I was going to be involved. Apparently, no one was found to replace me.
My son volunteered to serve as a helper. He called me from the church to complain that the pastor’s wife would not allow him to run the PowerPoint because he is not of age as required by our tech team. My son said that he ran the games because there was no one present to do games. Since no one was there to run the PowerPoint, he said he could do it as he knows where everything is and how to run it. But, because he is 13, not 14, he could not run it.
It seems that some assumptions were made that the people who ran things last year were going to return to run things this year. Never was I asked if I intended to come back. My last recollection of a conversation about the matter was telling the commander that I did not intend to come back; that I needed to take some time away.
The unfortunate thing about all of this is that my 13 year old son has now been exposed to church politics. He comes home wondering why he cannot serve on the tech team when the pastors daughter, who is the same age as him, serves on a worship team. At the time the 14 year age restriction was put on tech team members, the fact that 10 year old children were working in the nursery was neglected. The argument was made that the equipment is expensive. I have to ask if computer equipment is more expensive than babies in the nursery?
It seems that, perhaps, this is another example of the communication breakdown in our church.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/17/2005 11:33:29 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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September 17, 2005
The past couple of days have been eventful as well as interesting. I returned tonight from a night away from home and a day involved in a college lab course. As I was coming home, my wife called and wanted to know if I wanted to take her out on a date. She wanted to go find someplace with a band and go dancing. As she called, I told her I was wore out, but we could discuss it when we got home. Once I arrived home, she made her feelings known that she wanted to go dancing. I asked what the plan was for the kids. She said we could put the youngest to bed and the older two could stay home and baby-sit. To me, this was not well thought out. I told her I was concerned about her. She expressed concern about how my job has changed me, but she has been going through a change wanting to live a lifestyle that, in previous years, has been an aversion to her. Now she is working in a secular environment and I am left wondering who has the stronger influence?
Friday morning I attended a Bible study for the deacons. We just began studying the book, The Disciple Making Church. In reviewing the first chapter, the pastor turned to the questions at the back of the chapter. We briefly discussed the first question asking about vision, the vision of the church founders compared to now. The second question asked if our church was a safe place for leaders to lead. One member of the board said that the church is not overly critical of the pastor or the leadership and that, overall, it is a good place to lead. The pastor asked the deacons if they felt it was a good place to lead. There was silence and stares as each member of the board looked at one another to see who was going to respond.
I spoke up and said no, it’s not a safe place to lead. The pastor asked me to elaborate. I told him that, as chairman, communication has been difficult. That we, as a board, have given him all the tools within our power to enhance his communication and it has not improved. That he speaks well about how it’s all about relationships, but that he seems unable to live up to what he preaches. Several weeks ago his message spoke about introductions reaching well beyond “How you doing?” “Fine.” He spoke about how we, as a church, do a good job of getting beneath the mask of “Fine.” How we do a good job of asking, “No, really, how are you?” I told him how last Sunday he asked me how I was doing and I told him okay. He asked me, just okay? I told him, “Just okay,” and waited for him to enter the door I opened to my soul. I told him that as the door was open, he stood there, crossed his arms and looked at the floor as if searching the carpet for wise words to fill an awkward moment.
I told him that he speaks about ministry as though he is emphasizing relationships as opposed to programming, but that everything he implements reeks of programming disguised as discipleship. I told him how I have grown weary of the superficiality of Christianity within the church. How so many call themselves Christian but when they are asked to let their rubber meet the road, they are too busy or let it be known that they find it difficult to get outside their comfort zone.
I spoke my mind to him. Usually, once I speak my mind to someone, I walk away feeling better for having gotten the burden off my chest. Unfortunately, I felt no relief as the pastor went right in to wanting to make appointments with each of the deacons as individuals and then trying to explain his vision for a ministry outreach day he has planned for Sunday. I walked out of the meeting thinking, “He does not get it.”
The funny thing is, that as I write this, I realize that he is also aware that I post on this site. When I became a moderator on CW forums, Fritz called him to get a reference. Yet, I know he will never read this because he is too busy being the lone ranger and avoiding accountability.
How are we supposed to grow as a church?
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/19/2005 10:46:47 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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Monday, September 19, 2005
Relationships. I have written about this before. They are the cornerstone of Christianity. We are to be in relationship to Him, and, like the metaphor of the cross, in relationship to one another. I have really been struggling in recent weeks as relationships within the body seem so superficial.
This past Sunday, our pastor spoke about confronting sin. How when we turn the other way and pretend to ignore sin, it grows and spreads like a cancer. Not only infecting the person committing the sin, but it becomes a burden to others as well. He spoke about the need to have confrontation of sin with restoration as the goal. I think many are uncomfortable with confrontation because they are either unable or unwilling to remove the plank from their own eye, or confrontation takes them outside their comfort zone.
As a probation officer, I get the chance to know people very well. In some cases, I feel like I know the probationer better than they know themselves. I spend several hours with them conducting an interview for a pre-sentence report. After talking with the offender, I speak with parents, friends, lovers, spouses, and employers who all shed some light on how the person behaves in their presence. With the sex offenders, I get to sit in two hours of treatment each week when some of their innermost private thoughts are placed on the table, sifted to eliminate the dirt from the nuggets, and to help them sort through and make sense of what they have learned from the experience.
While I get to look into the souls of some of the most damaged people in my community, I have no one to connect with to peer into my soul and sift for the gold nuggets beneath the dirt. I am very involved in my church, but no one really knows me. I have a few people who express how much they care. They seem comfortable with the expression so long as it does not mean they have to exert effort to peer into my world.
It’s rather ironic that my pastor has been speaking of this so much lately. He can articulate the importance of relationships and can teach what effective interpersonal relationships should look like. But, he does not fully understand how to relate to people. He does not seem to understand how to develop an intimate bond with someone to the point that trust is earned enough to confront sin. As I told him the other day, I opened the door for him to come into my soul. Instead, he stood there and stared at the carpet.
We live in a hurting world. The only way I can see to repair the damage of the hurt is to develop some deep, intimate relationships with people. These relationships must be anchored in Christ. At least one person in the relationship must be completely strong in Christ. But, the strongest Christians I know don’t seem willing to go to the depths where the hurting exist. How can we reach the lost if we don’t go into their neighborhood and meet them where they live?
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/25/2005 1:23:21 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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Saturday, September 24, 2005
I was 16 years old and was in a serious relationship with a girl who was also in the tenth grade. I lived in town, she lived 20 miles out of town. I was driving my mother’s 1979 Toyota Celica. It was a five speed that was rather fun to drive.
As I was taking my girlfriend home from a date, she asked if I would teach her to drive the stick shift. We got closer to her home, out in the country, so I told her this was a good place to teach her. She was doing well behind the wheel and was not having any problems integrating the clutch and the stick shift. We approached a bend in the road that crested with a small hill. At the top of the hill there was a patch of sand that was not normally there. I felt the back end of the car go out and I saw her correct and recorrect. The next thing I knew we were climbing the embankment. Then we were driving through a fence, taking out one fence post after another. We landed back on the road and came to a stop. Panic struck and we both hopped out of the car. It was like instinct that I got back behind the steering wheel and she returned to the passenger seat.
We drove to her house and began formulating a story for what happened. My recollection is that the only fact we agreed on was that I would take responsibility as the driver. We were still out front of her house devising our plan when a car approached her residence. The headlights grew closer and settled behind the Celica. It was the California Highway Patrol. Two officers got out of the car and began examining the Celica. The officers then approached my girlfriend and I as we froze in our planning of how our story was going to come together. Suddenly, we were faced with having to make the story consistent on the spot.
We told the officers that I was driving, that I had hit the sand and that, after going through the fence, we did not know what to do. We told them that we had come to her house to call the police. They reported that they had followed the oil tracks from the leaking oil pan to where the car was sitting. They took their report and seemed to believe the lie we had told them.
Since I had told the police a lie, I now had to tell my mother the same lie. She also seemed to believe what I told her. Several months later, the guilt was eating me alive. I went to the store where my mother worked and shared with her that I had not been driving the car. I was stunned as she calmly sat and listened to me and then stated, “I know you were not driving.” She somehow knew that we had fabricated our story and that we had to come up with a story that was going to put me in a position as the responsible party. I still had to pay restitution to repair the damage to the fence. After six months of a serious relationship, the girlfriend and I broke up. I was still paying the restitution and she was off then hook. It was a good lesson in mothers intuition. It showed me that mom always seemed to know what was going despite appearances.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/25/2005 11:54:44 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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September 25, 2005
I find myself in a potential dilemma. I have found something that I am passionate about. Something I am good at and have been offered employment by several agencies should I choose to work either part time or change careers completely. I am taking a course in the local community college to get the certification needed to launch this new career. This course also ties into what I am doing presently.
Several years ago, I rejoined the National Guard despite my wife’s feelings. She made it known to me that she did not want me rejoining the guard, but I heard what I wanted to hear because my justifications drowned out her pleas for my allegiance to her. My justifications were that I was joining for her and the kids. The extra money was going to benefit all of us. I was blind to the fact that the extra money would come at accost of my time away from home and would, ultimately, almost destroy my marriage.
Because I hit a plateau in life where I was in need of another outlet, my wife commented to me that I should look into going back to school. I have been wanting to for quite some time, but have been reluctant to do so because of the time required. I have been speaking of a desire to pursue my masters degree for quite some time. I have always figured that this pursuit could wait until the kids were older and were not going to require as much of my attention. But, she began a new job where she has begun to rethink us. She has seen that I need something to continue to grow. When she encouraged me to go to school, I enrolled in a class right away. It’s not a masters level class, but it will result in a certification for law enforcement that will add to my educational experience when I begin my masters program.
The dilemma is that I will receive certification to work as a cop. She does not want me to be a cop. She has said that with my current job, I can work whatever hours I want. If I become a cop, I am guaranteed to work nights, weekends and holidays. As we spoke about it the other night, she expressed concern that she would stay awake nights worrying about whether or not I was coming home. I asked her if she worried about the nights I work now. She said she does, but not to the same extent that she would if I was a cop. I told her that in my current job, I am working with people in which I am more of a threat to their freedom than the typical cop. She said that she is concerned because as a cop I could be doing a routine traffic stop and get shot as I don’t know who I would be dealing with. I can understand her concern, but I think she fails to understand that I am already working with the most dangerous people in the community.
I find myself struggling in that I know that I have to do what’s right to keep my marriage healthy. At the same time, I desire to pursue a passion for something I love to do and something that I am good at. I feel torn in that I feel like God may be calling me into another career. Yet, since I don't have her blessing, I question if it's the voice of God.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 10/1/2005 1:23:24 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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September 30, 2005
I just came from a couple of days of shadowing another probation agency. It was very interesting to see how they operate in contrast to us. There were a lot of good lessons to be learned from the trip.
Of interest to add to my blog, however, was the animosity that the staff of this agency held toward Christianity in general. The staff of this agency is a very tight nit group. They work well together and socialize well together.
I have had several interactions with this group of people over the past few years and have sensed this animosity toward religion. As I think about it, the hatred is for exactly that: religion. To me, religion is about rules and rituals. Jesus Christ is about relationship. Probation and corrections is about relationship. The relationship in both instances is about inciting change. It’s about changing the core beliefs of a person so that they not only become a productive member of the community, but that they lead a healthy life, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
This time the anger was toward someone named Pastor Dan. Pastor Dan is working on the soul of a man who suffers from some form of mental illness. The man has sexually offended against several women and children. In my brief interaction with the offender, he is in his mid 30’s and has the mentality of an eight year old. I was able to learn through some briefings that he has some very deviant fantasies about raping women and engaging in sexual acts with children.
Pastor Dan wants the offender to become immersed in his congregation. Pastor Dan has invited this offender to events in which he would be participating with the youth and interacting with young girls on the basketball court. Pastor Dan has been informed of the sexual deviance of the offender and the risk the offender poses to the community, but he chooses to ignore the warnings given by the probation office and to simply work out a plan of salvation for this man.
The staff told me how they have tried to work with Pastor Dan, but Pastor Dan refuses to consider their perspective and knows better what this man needs. As a Christian and as a PO, I know the man needs Christ and to know him fully. But, at the same time, to protect his congregation, this Pastor Dan needs to be open to the information he is receiving from those who work with this man’s sexual deviance. It seems that Pastor Dan is subjecting his congregation to potential sexual abuse. It almost seems that he is running this risk to serve his own ego of winning souls for the kingdom.
It also seems that we sometimes forget that the cross is an excellent metaphor for our relationship with Christ and the living out of his greatest commandments: to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and strength and to love your neighbor as yourself. The cross represents our relationship with Christ vertically and our relationship with one another horizontally.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 10/2/2005 12:11:07 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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October 1, 2005
I have thought about posting this for quite some time, but have been afraid to write about it. In some ways, perhaps, this is a confessional. I have always intended to repay this debt, but have never been unable to do so. In some ways, I feel like I Have not received a blessing in the financial realm because I have not tended to this matter of guilt.
When I was 16 I went to work in a record store. The store was on the main drag in town and stayed open until midnight. We also sold drug paraphernalia which led to knowing where all the after work parties were.
I was in high school and making minimum wage. I found a system that brought in extra income for me at my employers expense. I would add up the total amount of the purchase and tell the customer what they owed. I would put their money in the till and give them the change. Only, I never actually rang up the transaction. I was able to pocket the amount of the transaction so that the till would balance at the end of each shift. I have no idea how much I walked away with.
I knew the whole time I was doing this that I was wrong for engaging in the act. I kept telling myself that I was going to repay Nick, my boss. But, life has a way of keeping us busy enough that we never fulfill our best intentions. The guilt of this has been eating away at me for decades and I have never been able to tell a soul about this. Now, here I am telling it in my blog where, if someone has figured out my identity, I can be exposed.
While I feel that the Lord has withheld His blessing in the financial realm, perhaps because of this, He has blessed me in so many other ways. In my profession it seems that He has blessed me to know and understand the criminal mind. He has brought me through theft, addiction, sexual promiscuity, and an assortment of other sins to a position in which I can try and correct this type of thinking and, hopefully, eliminate this type of behavior in others.
Yet, I also realize that He is not done with me. He has a lot of work to do in me. He allows me to return to the depths in my own life. I don’t particularly like this. Yet, I know that His purpose is allowing me to go places is to grow me further in Him.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 10/4/2005 12:13:09 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1063
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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Monday, October 03, 2005
I find myself wanting life to come to a standstill for a few days. Since school started and my wife has begun working full time and I have begun a class at the college, there is not enough time in the day. To add to this, work is busy like normal with the usual demands of the caseload and the added demands of the boss requesting completion of other duties as assigned. I am in the process of writing some new policy for review and, hopefully, implementation. Writing policy is, frankly, boring.
Last week I had one of my clients walk away from a faith based treatment program and return to town. He returned intoxicated and looking for a fight. He found a fight and was stabbed. In the course of investigating the stabbing, the police interviewed several other clients who each implicated themselves in probation violations such as drug use and a sex offender baby-sitting a child while the mother ran off to buy more dope. These unintended confessions have required much extra paperwork for me to get notice to the court or violation hearings. If anything good comes of it, it will, hopefully, clean up the community for a period of time.
My wife was talking tonight about tomorrow being a night with no obligations. I reminded her that I have a deacon meeting tomorrow night. The rest of the week is filled with nightly activities. So, we have to wait until the weekend for some down time. But, the church is even going to encroach on that time as there is a business meeting following the service on Sunday.
I feel for my kids in all of this. Even though many of their activities are what fill our schedule, we have taken on too many obligations to be there for them. We are not there to shower them with the attention they need. I fear that my lack of attention now might be a cause for them coming to the attention of me or my colleagues down the road. My son let some of this steam off last night when he went after his youngest sister trying to hit her. She did something to provoke him that we did not catch. But, he did get caught. I can’t seem to get through to him that retaliation is not worth it. That the best thing he can do is ignore his sister, pretend she does not exist. She plays him like a fine tuned piano. For her, it’s better than TV as she can make a face and his reaction is better than hitting a button on the remote. I tried to relate to him that it’s like ice hockey. I used to lead the league in penalty minutes because someone would skate behind me and tap me with a stick or say something. I would turn around and react to the stimuli and get thrown in the penalty box. When I finally figured out how to ignore the love taps and the insults, I stayed out of the box and put more pucks | | |
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