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RE: ZamDad's World - 8/26/2006 10:25:32 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1078
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: online
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August 26, 2006
“Loneliness is not the absence of affection, but the absence of direction.” I heard this saying years ago and it has stuck with me. I had it scrolling across my screen saver in my office for quite some time. It was a great conversation piece with clients.
Yesterday Mona was in my office. Mona came to Christ while in jail. She has lived a criminal lifestyle for the majority of her 40 plus years. A couple of years ago she and I began a professional relationship when the court ordered her to comply with conditions of probation or face jail time. The beginning of this relationship was ugly. She was set in her ways and no one was going to tell her how to live her life. She was resistant, defiant, and outright hostile to me being in her life.
Mother’s day 2004 I saw Mona driving a car into town. I was behind her. I knew she didn’t have a license, so I called the police and advised them she was on her way into town. She was pulled over and gave the officer a false name. When the officer told her that her probation officer had called and reported she was driving, she confessed her true identity. She was driving on a revoked license, had no insurance, expired tabs, and had an open container of alcohol in the car. Her blood alcohol level had not reached the point where she could have been charged with yet another DWI.
She was arrested that day and then released. She had court a couple of weeks later and I had her provide a UA after court. She tested positive for cocaine. I had her arrested for the dirty UA and for failure to remain law abiding based on her new convictions. As I write this, I think I have written about her before because her time in jail brought a miracle cure to her physical ailments. Her cane disappeared, her back became straight, and most of all, her attitude changed.
She came out of jail telling me she had found Christ. Because of the history I had with this woman, I remained skeptical. Visits to her home lost the hostility I had previously experienced with her. During our visits, she told me how she was attending church on a regular basis and that she had found a mentor. She had found a group of women who were supporting her and helping her make some of the changes she needed to her life. As life improved, her need to find employment increased. She had bills to pay, therefore, she had to find work. Over the past several years she has had a number of different jobs. Working has taken time which has diverted her from her mentor and the support group she was gaining strength through. Members of this support group live busy lives as well and, sadly, it appears there has been a disconnect.
Mona has allowed two men in her life over the past two years. One was a sex offender I was supervising (Sam). I’ve written about him too. He’s a “nice guy.” He serves in his church. He is not a drinker or a smoker. He has no obvious vices. He’s the type of guy no one wants to think anything sinister about. Yet, all of his relationships with women are about sex. This “nice guy” had molested the children of a former girlfriend. In addition to seeing Mona, he was being sexual with half a dozen other women at the same time. Mona was unaware of his conviction and did not want to ask questions. She just wanted companionship. She struggled with whether or not to terminate the relationship because she knew he was not being honest with her, but her fear of being alone rationalized keeping him in her life.
Along comes Joe. Joe is a man living in a nearby treatment facility recovering (for the umpteenth time) from his chemical dependency problem. When Joe enters Mona’s life she tells Sam that she has a new man and dumps him. I asked Mona what she knows about this man. She knows he’s been to prison, she does not know what for. Again, she does not want to ask questions. She kicked him out of her house for a brief period because she caught him with another woman and using crack. They have made up and he has moved back in. I keep asking her why she keeps him in her life. She says she wants to follow God, but she keeps letting these barriers get between her and God
As we spoke about how she got off course, she said that when she had her support group, they helped provide direction for her life. She then spoke about how having to go to work and not being able to be in her support group made her lonely. She quit going to church on a regular basis. She was no longer spending time with the women of the church outside the walls of the church and she was reverting back to her old ways of living. I pointed out to her again that loneliness is not the absence of affection, but the absence of direction.
We can’t walk this Christian journey alone. When we try to do it without the fellowship of the body, we walk right back into our old sinful ways and become chained to the past. We may want the peace of Christ, but we like the comfort of knowing what to expect. Even when chaos is the expected result, it’s comforting knowing how to respond. Christ calls us to find comfort in Him not knowing what lies beyond the next hill.
_____________________________
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A. Lincoln
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RE: ZamDad's World - 8/29/2006 10:33:57 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1078
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: online
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August 29, 2006
I read through some of my posts earlier this summer. In particular, I read through the events of my job change. I have been doing this new caseload now for nearly three months. My caseload consist of minimum supervision clients sprinkled with a few mediums who need some additional attention. For the most part, it’s pushing a lot of paper. I have little face to face contact with clients and write a lot of reports.
Quite frankly, I don’t like the new position. I don’t mind writing reports. But I don’t like having to be so generic in them. Seeing as I am the only person in the organization that types my own reports, I feel like they are getting extra scrutiny that others don’t get during review for signature. I don’t like sitting down with clients, looking at the probation agreement and checking the boxes and calling, “Next.” At the same time, I look at the new people in the positions I was working. Even though they have smaller caseload numbers, they are busy beyond belief. I realize that I can walk out the office door at the close of business and, for the first time, leave work at the office. While I sort of like this, I don’t like being bored for 8 hours a day.
I’m caught in this struggle to find balance. My wife loves the fact that I work my 8 hours and come home, that work does not follow me home. Yet, I’m not happy with simply filling the office chair for 8 hours. My wife has said that she admires my work ethic and, at the same time she hates it. My devotion to the job takes time from her and she does not like to have her time intruded upon. So I struggle. Am I to be content with sacrificing for her? Am I to pursue the things I like in a job? What does God want? When I look at these three questions I know that I need to be placing myself in the center of God’s will. I feel like this is what I’ve been doing. It’s been painful.
I fear that we are still not connecting in Christ. We are closer than we were, but still on separate tracks headed in different directions. She wants me to do a job where I walk in the door and walk out 8 hours later. She knows I’m not happy in my present job. She’s given encouraging lip service to me pursuing a job as a police officer. Yet, I know she will be disappointed if I become a cop because it will require working nights, weekends and holidays. It will place me in a position where an 8 hour shift will not end until the work is done at 9, 10 or 12 hours. She will not be happy because she will see that I am happy doing something I love that does not make her the center of my life. I know all too well that if I don’t have her wholehearted support in a law enforcement career, either my marriage will end or the career will be short.
I’m also confused, somewhat, as I see her work ethic mirroring mine somewhat. When she was working at the college she was spending countless hours trying to fit in with the crowd. With her new job and both of us working in the same town and riding together I have found her several times not getting out the door at the close of business because she was busy doing something extra. I wish that we could get on the same page as far as developing a work ethic for Christ and that we could work together to accomplish His purposes instead of reverting to these singular, selfish tracks we keep going back to.
_____________________________
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A. Lincoln
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/4/2006 9:56:39 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1078
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: online
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September 4, 2006
A thread was started concerning an article about a church that began a web site where people could post confession, hurts, or other matters of sin to get them off their chest. In my reply I spoke about how communication is changing with the implementation of our technology. We have more ways to communicate with each other, but we know each other less and less.
Speaking for myself, I am well aware that I come here to CW to interact with others. To discuss issues, matters of faith, to have deeper conversations that cause me to research what I believe and support why I believe what I do. I come here to vent. I come here speak my mind. I come here to confess and cleanse my soul. At the same time I know this is an artificial means to achieve a level of connectedness I long for in other humans; a longing for intimacy that God created with in us.
While we have devised more ways to communicate, the tools we have implemented to communicate more effectively have drawn us way from each other. We don’t spend the time with each other that we did before these tolls were invented. I look at the TV and see one of the biggest time wasters ever invented. Families come together and stare at the idiot box and no longer engage in deep meaningful conversation in their homes. Instead, conversation often revolves around the material the tube feeds us: the latest episode of our favorite sitcom, the newest commercial to sell some product. I see this happening in my family. I try to make efforts to correct the problem and find that, perhaps, I am the only one in the family that sees it as a problem. So, I get on my computer and talk to myself and then post for others to read giving me the sense that others will share in my struggle as well.
I have used this blog as a place to post confessions. I have spoken about how I long to connect with another male; to have a spiritual Ranger buddy. I have a couple of close male friends I know I can go to and have these deeper discussions that stir my soul. But geography and schedules make intimate friendships difficult to maintain. I desire this type of intimate spiritual connection with my wife, but she does not seem to share the same desire. So, I come here and post my thoughts and then blend into the world around me trying to be the man Christ wants me to be.
_____________________________
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A. Lincoln
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/11/2006 4:29:26 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1078
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: online
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September 11, 2006
I got a call from Peter yesterday. It was good to hear his voice. I had thought the summer camping season would have him so busy that contact would be limited. Fall has arrived, the camping season is over and, while I’m grateful to hear from him, I’m saddened by the news he brought.
I know many Christian men. We all have our struggles maintaining our walk with God. Being the selfish creatures we are, we have this tendency to go after our own wants and desires forsaking what God may want for us. Of all the Christian men I know, no one seems to have a better understanding of this and set a better example than Peter. He has been serving in Christian camping ministry for quite some time now, but is questioning both God and himself if professional ministry is where he’s supposed to be. Both Peter and I have read and are fans of the Seven Habits. The question remains, is the ladder leaning against the wrong wall?
I find myself very frustrated at Peter’s situation. He left here and went to another state taking a position in a Presbyterian camp. I want to write a Christian camp, but it seems that this camp would rather be defined by the denomination. Peter is evangelical. Some concern was expressed about his evangelical background by the camp before he took the job, but it was decided to bring him on. After one summer of service, the board decided to let him go. I don’t know what their reasoning was for his termination. Yet, from what he tells me it seems there was some concern that he was not doing things the Presbyterian way. He tried evangelistic methods of reaching campers and asked about attending ministry trainings and conferences that were put on in the area. He was told that they had to be careful, they did not want to upset the presbytery.
Before I became a Christian I had a difficult time understanding Christianity. I saw too much division. All the denominations and the differences of opinion and then a bunch of people who talk one thing and walk another. Since finding Christ, I have met many who walk their talk and don’t allow denominational differences to get in the way of ministry. Of late, however, I am seeing even more of the struggle between denominational dogma and biblical doctrine. I see much of it reflected on the CW forums as people seem to want to define God on their terms. Much of the formation of these opinions comes from the teaching from the various denominations.
I’m saddened by Peter’s situation because on of the most effective men I have met in service to Christ has been spiritually and mentally beaten by denominational dogma instead of focusing on Christ. Since when does the denomination take precedence over Christ? Even before Peter left this area I saw some of the worst of church politics. While I think that Christian camping is one of the best evangelism tools out there, I am saddened by my, thus far, limited experience with the leadership of Christian camps. I have seen too many personal agenda’s sabotage the best efforts to reach kids for Christ. Whether it’s the denomination or just the ego of a leader. Far too often we mistake our own agenda’s for Christ’s leading.
The sermon yesterday was on 1 Samuel 4:1-11
41And Samuel's word came to all Israel.
Now the Israelites went out to fight against the Philistines. The Israelites camped at Ebenezer, and the Philistines at Aphek. 2The Philistines deployed their forces to meet Israel, and as the battle spread, Israel was defeated by the Philistines, who killed about four thousand of them on the battlefield. 3When the soldiers returned to camp, the elders of Israel asked, "Why did the LORD bring defeat upon us today before the Philistines? Let us bring the ark of the LORD's covenant from Shiloh, so that itA may go with us and save us from the hand of our enemies."
4So the people sent men to Shiloh, and they brought back the ark of the covenant of the LORD Almighty, who is enthroned between the cherubim. And Eli's two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, were there with the ark of the covenant of God.
5When the ark of the LORD's covenant came into the camp, all Israel raised such a great shout that the ground shook. 6Hearing the uproar, the Philistines asked, "What's all this shouting in the Hebrew camp?"
When they learned that the ark of the LORD had come into the camp, 7the Philistines were afraid. "A god has come into the camp," they said. "We're in trouble! Nothing like this has happened before. 8Woe to us! Who will deliver us from the hand of these mighty gods? They are the gods who struck the Egyptians with all kinds of plagues in the desert. 9Be strong, Philistines! Be men, or you will be subject to the Hebrews, as they have been to you. Be men, and fight!"
10So the Philistines fought, and the Israelites were defeated and every man fled to his tent. The slaughter was very great; Israel lost thirty thousand foot soldiers. 11The ark of God was captured, and Eli's two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, died.
Eli brought the Ark onto the battlefield. He thought he was bringing God to the battle. He brought a box! How effective is a God in a box? Isn’t that what we do with God when our own agenda’s get in the way? We want God the way we want him. We decorate our boxes in all kinds of attractive packages. But, all we’re doing is trying to define God as we see Him instead of allowing Him to define who we are.
That’s what I appreciate about Peter. Even though he’s feeling down and beaten, he’s letting God define him instead of redecorating the box.
_____________________________
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A. Lincoln
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/18/2006 4:47:39 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1078
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: online
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September 18, 2006
It’s been a few days since posting. I looked in Blogtowne and see I’m about to be moved to page two. There’s not much new in the ZamDad household. School has begun and all three kids are in three separate schools. This is the first year of two that they will be in separate schools. It means there is going to be a lot of running from one event to the next. But hey, that’s what we signed on for when we committed to become parents.
I think, once again, I’ve been spending too much time in the threads. In particular, the morality and ethics folder. I like the discussion there. But, I find myself all too often frazzled at how some people see things with regard to right and wrong and how once they’ve determined they’re right, everyone else is wrong.
I worked with a woman like this once. She had some very strong opinions on many matters. Her worldview, however, was centered on feminism. She seemed to see everything in black and white, only she labeled it as male and female. If any male took issue with what she had to say, she concluded that it was a result of that male not respecting women. It made serious discussion about any issue difficult if not impossible. In her mind, she was right, the rest of us were wrong and we’d better learn to accept that as fact.
I’ve seen some newbies come to CW with some very strong opinions. One young man in particular has shown up in recent months and has made some pretty bold statements about his perception of what the gospel is and, therefore, should be to everyone else. Some other posters have pointed out some problems in his theology. His responses have generally been, “I’m right, your wrong, I have spoken.” He posted in a thread about premarital sex that, I think, sheds some light on his twisted theology. He reported that he and his girlfriend are not legally married, but that they are sexually active and that he sees them as being married because he has committed to her and to God to love her forever.
It seems that he is using scripture to fit his view of the world instead of letting God shape his view of the world through the Word. As I write this and sort of think out loud I am becoming more and more convinced that too many of us shrink God down into this box in which we can find comfort in our understanding of him. By doing this we justify our sinful actions by saying something along the lines of, “What God really means is…” We form our ideas/ideals around this mental image we have of God and make God fit our desires instead of being completely and wholly dependent on God.
As I write this I have to admit that I too struggle. I know I want what I want when I want it. And, to top it off, I was raised in a generation that told me it was supposed to be this way. Daily I was told by the electronic alter in the living room that I deserve a break today and I can have it my way. After coming to Christ as an adult, the growing process has been and continues to be very painful. Working in a field where I hold others accountable for their behavior, God has been at work in my life getting me to examine myself and my motivations. God requires me to look inside myself and see if it’s my will I’m after or His. Far too often it’s my will. Occasionally, it seems, He lets me have my way. Something he has not let me do is define Him as I see fit. He has made it clear to me that He is infinite, beyond any way I could ever attempt to define Him. He has made it abundantly clear to me that I cannot be right all the time.
_____________________________
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A. Lincoln
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/18/2006 9:47:39 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1078
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: online
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September 18, 2006
There’s a man in my community who is considered a respected member of the community. The first time I met him was at a conference in which all the denominations from the region were coming together to form a collaborative to reach out to the lost and hurting. This man was identified as one of the leaders of this organization. While I did not know him, I was aware that he and his had several adopted children that they were raising locally.
One of this man’s adopted sons came onto my caseload when he pled guilty to committing a sex crime. The son had sexual contact with a woman who was legally considered unable to consent. When I interviewed the son for the presentence investigation, the man showed up with his son to help him out. It was obvious from the beginning that the young man was somewhat slower in his thinking than many of his peers. Yet, in asking the young man questions, it was also apparent that there was desire to achieve and that the ability was there waiting to be uncovered.
The man told me that there were some things about his son I needed to understand. That his son had lived a difficult life and that he had a big heart with the best of intentions. But, he was unable to hold down employment because when the young man had to decide between work and hanging out with friends, he was likely to hang out with friends and forget about work. The man said that his son suffered from mental disabilities that made normal functioning in society extremely difficult for his son. The man spoke about how he was trying to encourage his son to apply for social security disability so that he would have a source of income and not have to worry about life’s struggles.
As I listened to the man I was saddened. I had higher expectations as my first meeting with this man was in a Christian organization that was being geared toward helping the lost find their way. And here we were talking about his son and he was encouraging his son to settle for the label instead of encouraging him to move above and beyond the label. Fast forward several years and the son has been involved in treatment and has begun to see that he can achieve higher than he himself expected. He has grown beyond the limits his adopted father placed on him. On his own, the son was making progress. While there were difficulties, he was giving life his best effort.
The son ran into some financial difficulties and was asked if he could elicit some help from dad. Dad had not been intimately involved in the picture for quite some time. When the son reached out to dad for financial help, dad became involved again. Dad asked to become a part of the son’s treatment team. When he learned of the progress his son made, he denied that such progress was possible. The dad told the treatment team that unrealistic expectations were being placed on his son and that the treatment process was too hard on his son. He said that the treatment team needed to back off and encourage his son to collect disability. He refused to listen to the treatment team when he was told that the idle time that money with no requirement for work means that his son sits home all day playing Grand Theft Auto. That he gets into trouble because he is bored.
I find myself furious with this dad. It seems that he wants nothing more for his son than to get paid for doing nothing, to live off the backs of those of us who must work for a living. To settle for the label of being disabled with no visible handicaps. To accept being seen as a lazy bum by the rest of the community. In the several years I have been working with this young man, his abilities outweigh his disabilities by far. Yes, the young man had lived a difficult life. He seems to understand that and also seems to be willing to work his way through the issues. But the one man that he respects more than any other in his life is telling him to choose the path of least resistance. How unfortunate.
_____________________________
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A. Lincoln
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/20/2006 5:04:47 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1078
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: online
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September 20, 2006
I think I should be able to get tuition reimbursement for sending my kids to public school. As the new school year begins, I find my tight financial situation gets squeezed a little harder. We did pretty good with school shopping. The kids are growing so fast we can’t keep them in clothes for long. They don’t mind getting hand me downs or shopping in the thrift shops.
About mid summer, our local schools publish the school supply list for the materials each kid needs to have when they return in the fall. The list includes extra pencils, glue, scissors, ruler, notebooks and other items that the child will use throughout the school year. But added to the list of required items is Kleenex boxes, paper towels, wipes, and Crayons to be used by all the kids. The lists are placed prominently in the local stores so that no one is sure to miss the back to school list.
I understand that with tight budgets that teachers have had to resort to getting the parents to pitch in and contribute items no longer in the budget. For elementary school, this seems reasonable. As my kids get older I’m finding that there are fees associated with every activity they want to participate in. On top of the fees are the fund raisers.
My son auditioned for a play and got a part that has one line. His first rehearsal was last night. He said he didn’t want to be in the play. We told him since he tried out and got the part, he was going to fulfill his obligation. He could not simply decide he didn’t want to do this. I picked him up from rehearsal and he informs me that there is a $37.50 fine arts fee to be in the play. As he took in the joy of watching my face flush with the numbers I hadn’t counted for a budget, he said, “Can I quit now?” I pondered this for a second. A $37.50 fee to act in a play and get one stinkin’ line. “Yes, you can quit.”
I’m horrified at what school is costing me. My kids are active in a number of things. Each thing has a fee. Each thing has a fundraiser to get more money. Each thing requires that I buy materials and/or clothing for my kid to attend or be recognized for their participation.
I must be happy, I got something to gripe about today.
_____________________________
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A. Lincoln
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RE: ZamDad's World - 9/27/2006 5:00:21 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1078
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: online
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September 27, 2006
I’ve written a couple of times about the technological gap between parents and kids. I was speaking with my sister the other day about this as I’ve been speaking to my nephew, her son, on MySpace. My nephew is a great kid with a good head on his shoulders. He has a number of girls on his site that have written him telling how cute he is. Some other friends have written about their drinking/drugging exploits. My nephew assures me that he is not into the drinking/drugging as he’s got plans for his future.
As I’ve been exploring the world of MySpace, I find it to be a very interesting place. You can tell a lot about a person by the content of their page. You learn their interests and hobbies and, sometimes, get to read some of their deepest personal thoughts. I’ve located some old friends and some current friends. I found a neighbor who will probably be embarrassed when he recalls something he wrote and figures out that his neighbor knows. I found the son of a coworker who not only had many interesting things to say about his family, but posted a picture of himself in a very compromising position. No wonder employers are looking at these sites to learn about the people who work for them or want to work for them. Character counts and these pages reveal character.
As my sister and I spoke about this, I told her that I hear so many parents simply tell their kids not to go on MySpace or other services like it. I hear a lot of other experts and even people from the church saying to restrict access. While restricting access is a good idea, I think we miss golden opportunities to connect with our kids if we simply tell them don’t go there and end the conversation on that note. Unfortunately, our kids are more likely to go where they are prohibited from despite what we tell them and then to hide the fact that they have disobeyed. These technologically new forms of communication drive their culture. If they are not hip to what the rest of their peers are doing, they feel left out and cast aside.
I told my sister that I have been getting into the world of my kids. I have created my own accounts on several sites I know they visit. I know who some of their friends are and am able to ask questions about other friends I don’t know. This way too, they know I’m looking in on their world. They know I am interested in them and the things they do.
I’d like to see more parents get involved in the lives of their kids. Telling them not to go to these sites is the easy way out. Yes, there are dangers lurking out there. After five years of working with sex offenders, I know all too well the reality of predators lurking out there looking for a lonely child wanting to be loved. Our refusal to enter the world of our kids only allows for the pool of victims to expand for those who prey on our kids.
_____________________________
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A. Lincoln
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RE: ZamDad's World - 10/9/2006 12:23:04 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1078
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: online
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October 8, 2006
I have not been watching much news lately. This has been an intentional decision. I see enough depressing things during the day that I have decided that the news only adds to it. But, tonight, the local news announced that North Korea had tested a nuclear weapon within the past half hour. I turned to Fox News and watched the story develop. It develops as I write.
As I watched, all I could think about as I saw the footage to Kim Jong Il. Is “Madman.” Just looking at him on TV I see someone who is a few fries short of a Happy Meal. He looks too much like one of the chronically mentally ill clients I deal with regularly. The only difference is that he runs a country that possesses nukes.
I’ve been reading a book by Jerry Bridges, The Joy of Fearing God. It’s apparent that Jong Il has no fear of God.. Evil lurks in his heart. He has no fear. Other men fear him and he knows it. He’s in charge. If he does not like something about anyone he can have that person removed from his presence. Kim Jong Il care about no one but himself and all his North Korean citizens serve to support his ego.
Watching the footage of North Korea and their mentally ill leader is nothing short of amazing. I see people who fear him doing al kinds of things to preserve self. Tonight there was footage of a woman who looked more like she could be his mother, yet age wise she seemed closer to Jong Il. She had her hands out toward him like he is worthy of worship. Fox showed several other clips of North Korean citizens exalting Kim Jong Il. From our American perspective, it’s akin to paying homage to the president. But for the citizens of North Korea, it’s about personal survival. It goes to show that we, as humans, fear man more than we fear God. In America, unfortunately, we fear those we know more than we fear God. Our definition of survival is much different than those living on the Korean peninusla.
If, in America, we had a political leader come to power that had as much influence on us as Kim Jong Il has on his people, we would follow that leadership to save our skin as opposed to our souls.
_____________________________
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A. Lincoln
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RE: ZamDad's World - 10/13/2006 10:22:02 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1078
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: online
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October 13, 2006
My son and I were talking about style and how people judge us on our appearance. I decided to write this story down as I have told it often, but have never put it in writing.
During the summer of 1987 I returned home to California from Alaska. I was working for my folks and trying to figure out where to go with my life. During my years in Alaska I had developed a passion for ice hockey. I began playing in 1982 and developed some great skills in a short period of time. I learned that there was a group of guys in Fresno that got together and played once a week so I ventured to Fresno to play.
I got to the rink and paid my dues, went to the locker room and began getting dressed. Everything about locker room was familiar. The guys here spoke just like the guys in Alaska. They shared the same stupid humor, they smelled the same (like all hockey players), and they ribbed each other. Only one difference stood out. As each guy got dressed, they all had on clean, crisp uniforms. Many different teams were represented. But they all looked sharp.
In Alaska we weren’t concerned with the uniform. In fact, some of the gear at the college level almost seemed to go to the opposite extreme. I had been playing for six years and had spent the last year playing intramural hockey at the college in addition to men’s league in town. The looks of my uniform had never been a concern. All I needed was the pads to protect crucial areas. My wife gives me a hard time because on one of our first dates I brought her to one of my men’s league games. I was wearing my team jersey and a pair of sweats over all the pads. What I didn’t realize was that the waistband in my sweats was so gone that my pants were around my knees during the game. She says she was embarrassed, but something must have impressed her. She married me. I think the only reason they had fallen that night was I ran out of athletic tape.
In the Fresno locker room I remember that I had put my pads on, slid a pair of ripped up sweat pants over the pads and used a jersey that was torn in half at the stomach and then had the sleeves ripped off at the elbows. I had a beat up old Jofa helmet with scratches and scars all over it. I walked out of the locker room and onto the ice. I recall my legs feeling odd as it was above 90 outside and, even through we were on ice, it felt rather warm for ice hockey. I began focusing on trying to get my legs acclimated and just doing regular warm ups as I did any time I played in Fairbanks. I would wait until everyone got warmed up and wait for the sticks to get thrown in the center of the ice so that someone could throw the sticks to each side of the ice and divide up teams.
I was taken off guard when two guys spoke up and said, “I’ll be captain.” The rest of the guys went to the wall and waited. I skated to the wall to see what the custom was here in Fresno. The first captain points to a guy in a shiny Northstars uniform. The second captain points to a guy in a bright new Kings uniform. As I’m the last guy standing there I hear the final captain say, “Come on, you’re on my team,” with more than a slight hint of disappointment.
The pickup game was a blast. During the heat of the scrimmage, uniforms didn’t matter. The only things that mattered were remembering who was on your team and getting the puck in the net. I scored six goals. I found guys who were open to get the puck to them for goals and they got the puck to me.
I went back the next week and went through the same ritual. I was really hoping that we would throw the sticks in the center and divide them up as opposed to the captains picking teams. But, I was still a foreigner in Fresno so I lined up on the wall. I was the first pick this time. Suddenly the shiny uniform didn’t matter. It was about who could play the game.
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You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A. Lincoln
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RE: ZamDad's World - 10/14/2006 2:47:43 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1078
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: online
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October 14, 2006
I’m not one to watch trends, but I’ve been noticing what I think is one that disturbs me. In my remote little corner of the world I am seeing more men who are unable or unwilling to work and more homes in which the sole provider is the woman. I know from talking to others and from reading professional literature that this trend is not common to my rural area.
It seems like a role reversal, yet many of the men in these relationship still demand that their woman treat them like a man. Most of these men have no idea what it means to be a man. They have this false perception of what a man is supposed to be and they act out this persona in their relationships at home. They expect that there woman come home from work, cook him dinner, clean the house, and then be openly receptive to his sexual advances.
What’s worse is that many of the women in these relationships give in and cater to these false images of masculinity presented by their men. By their nature most women in relationship such as this are strong women as their drive to keep a family together is so strong that they are willing to completely sacrifice self for the families existence.
Most often it seems that substance abuse is a prevalent pattern in these relationships. Most often it’s the man who is the chemical abuser. Frequently both the man and the woman indulge. But, she knows she has to go to work in order to keep some money coming in, so her use is limited compared to his.
I have to wonder what attracts women to men who only take, never give? Another role reversal I’ve noticed is that females are becoming much more sexually aggressive. It seems they are not getting the love and attention they crave from the male figures in their lives such as their father or father figure, so they seek out male attention through sexual relationships. I think that during the course of seeking male attention through sex, many of these women settle for the man they’ve caught.
The men in these relationships seem to feel they are entitled to be waited on hand and foot while having every whim met, and that manhood in the 21st century is about letting a willing woman care for him. Some of this seems to begin at home with mom. In my profession I see far too many adult male children who live parasitic lifestyles bouncing from momma’s home to the home of a sexually active female and then back to momma’s home. I’ve spoken to countless frustrated mothers who have expressed a concern for their adult sons. Men who act like boys. Men who can’t or wont get a job, want to play all night, sleep all day and sit around the house watching TV or playing videogames. I recall speaking with one young man who would not find a job and bounced from the home of one girlfriend to the next. When he was confronted about his inability to find and keep a job, he said “This is the modern age, that’s the way it works now.”
More recently I’ve come across another young woman who is working to support her household. Luckily there are no children in this home. She works at a dairy farm and supports her boyfriend and his best friend who happens to live with them. The boyfriend gets an indignant look on his face when myself or anyone tells him he should get a job too. His life consist of sitting home all day, watching the tube, playing video games and drinking. After a hard day of rest and relaxation, he expects that when she gets home, she is going to cook a meal and then they will have a few cocktails together before retiring for the evening where he expects to get sex.
Another young woman I’ve recently come across is living with a man I used to supervise. I recall talking to him about developing a work ethic. His response to me was, “A what?” He impregnated another woman he was living with and then, upon learning she was pregnant, became upset because she did not take her birth control. His answer to that was to leave her and find a newer model. The new live in lover is working and raising another man’s baby and now supporting this man who says he wants to become an over the road trucker. Because his credit is bad, he wants her to finance a truck for him. In speaking to her, she says she loves him, but she can’t say that she trusts him. If there’s no trust, is there really love?
How do we reverse this trend? How do we stop enabling parasites from moving from one host to the next? I think we, the church, have to become more involved. If we are going to love our neighbor, it means we have to love them enough to say no to parasitic living habits. We have to break behavioral patterns by transforming the minds and hearts of young men. We have to let Christ be seen in us and get over our fear of venturing into dangerous, uncomfortable territory. Mostly, we have to begin at home and let the love of Christ spread from there.
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You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A. Lincoln
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RE: ZamDad's World - 10/21/2006 11:22:45 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1078
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: online
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October 21, 2006
Three weeks ago I got a letter from the military. I’ve been an IRR soldier for the past four years and not keeping active with it. IRR, which stands for individual ready reserve, is this big black hole that soldiers get assigned to when they depart active or reserve service. I chose to leave the service in 2002 after it was apparent to me that my obligations were taking a toll on my family. My part time job had a full time commitment. Trying to juggle family life, a civilian career and a military career was difficult and while I might win for keeping all the balls in the air, my family would lose as I lost sight of them trying to juggle the balls.
The letter was from a sergeant who is trying to organize a list of IRR soldiers and tend to their needs. The letter was one of the most poorly written letters I’ve ever read. While he tried to say that he was there to meet our needs, what he was really saying is that he wanted info to put a current roster together for call up. He asked for us to send contact info to him and did not put his name, address, phone number or anything else following his request. It was on the header so there was some indication of who sent the letter.
I thought about it and decided that I would send him the information he requested. I don’t really fear a call up. In some ways, I suppose I secretly want to be called back to active duty. I love adventure and I see being activated as another adventure. Being activated would also cause me to have to reinstate the discipline the Army instilled in me. The discipline I seem to have lost in my excuse making for my physical and mental exercise regimen. Additionally, every time I have been activated and pulled away from my family, it has brought me closer to God.
At the same time, I don’t want to leave my family. I got out of the military to spend time with my family. I should be getting closer to God with my family and not be allowing myself to become so burdened with life and its activities.
This week I got a certificate for a certified letter in the mail box. Handwritten on the corner of the certificate it said veterans services. I went to bed that night wondering what might be waiting for me at the post office. I began to pray that it might actually be orders calling me back to active duty. One last adventure for this aging man who still desires to be young. At the same time, I prayed that it wouldn’t be orders. While I long for adventure, God has given me and adventure in raising kids.
I stopped at the post office the following morning as I drove to the office. It was 7:55 and I figured the window would be open at 8:00. I saw a sign that indicated the window would not be open until 8:30. I decided to drive to the office and come back at lunch. The post office and my office are in separate towns about 10 miles apart. At 11:45 I left for lunch and drove to the post office to get there before they closed for lunch. I arrive to find the window closed. Again I look at the sign and read they close for lunch from 11:30 to 1:00. I want to become indignant. This small town post office that’s completely out of my way and never seems to be open when I can get there. I went to a local café and ate lunch. I then walked around an antique shop. The only thing I noticed was that the only other male in there was a young boy about 10 or 11 years old with his mother and grandmother. I walked to the hardware store. I was asked if I need help as soon as I walked in the door. I explained I was waiting for the post office to open and browsed around the store. Not much to see in a town with a population of 300.
At 1:00 the window slid open and I presented my certificate. I read the upper left hand corner of the envelope. “Office of the Adjutant General, Officer Personnel Division.” I pulled out my pocket knife and slid it into the open slot to slice the envelope neatly. There were two pieces of paper in the envelope; one was an official looking memo and the other was a form that had some boxes to be checked. I read the memo fearing the outcome either way. I have to admit, it was almost disappointing as the anticipation had been built up so high as a result of the post office hours. The Army was letting me know my records had been scanned and sent to the black hole at Army Personnel Command. They were requesting to know what I want done with the hard copy of my records. What a let down. I guess I just have to remember that every day is an adventure and be satisfied with that.
_____________________________
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A. Lincoln
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RE: ZamDad's World - 10/21/2006 11:58:51 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1078
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: online
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Since getting out of high school, I have had a mustache. I can recall at some point well before high school that I told my parents I was going to grow a mustache. My dad had one for a brief period of time and I thought it was pretty cool. He didn’t like it and shaved it off, never growing it back. I knew after that I was going to have a mustache.
I began growing peach fuzz in high school. In my senior year my peach fuzz looked like it had dirt in it as it began to turn brown and grow thicker. I kept it on until April 1986 when I enlisted in the Army Reserve. I had to shave it off for basic training. I also had to shave my long hair off my head. I remember feeling a sense of sadness as my locks were sheared from my head. But, after a couple of days I came to realize how easy it was to not have to mess with hair. No blow dryer. No trying to comb the feathers out to achieve that look of cool.
After boot camp and returning back to Fairbanks, the mustache returned. It was good and thick. It became my trademark. In the fall of 1987 I met my wife. She liked the mustache and told me that I was never to shave it off. If I ever shaved it off, I would sleep alone until it grew back.
In 1995 I was accepted into Officer Candidate School (OCS). At OCS, me and another soldier from Alaska arrived with mustaches. We were both told to get rid of them pronto. I was going to be sleeping alone for the next several weeks, so my bare lip would be of no concern to her. It would grow back quickly once we were reunited.
In the winter of 1996 I was a second lieutenant with my unit and annual training was in Hawaii. I was going from Fairbanks, Alaska to Hawaii in February. We were going to train in area where we did not have to concern ourselves with survival and keeping from freezing to death. I decided that morning as I stood in front of the mirror that I was going to shave the mustache off. I would be in Hawaii for two weeks and it would grow back before she saw me again. Well, the military being what it is, we were still at the armory during lunch. She decided to bring lunch to me. She was at the armory for over an hour and didn’t say a word about the naked upper lip. I went to kiss her goodbye and she backed away. She glared at me and said, “It better back when you come home.”
In the summer of 1996 I had to go to Ft. Benning for four months for my officer basic class. I shaved the mustache off then because the military seems to frown on facial hair. I think that there are some top brass who can’t grow it, therefore, it’s easier to prohibit it or regulate what it will look like than allow soldiers to grow it. Again, the upper lip was covered when I returned to Fairbanks.
My youngest daughter is not eight years old and has never seen me without a mustache. Over the past month I had grown a goatee. Everyone seemed to like the goatee but the youngest daughter. As it got fuller she became more accepting of it and said she liked it. The other night my wife made a comment saying she was not sure if she liked it or not. She asked my son what he thought. He said he liked it, but he felt I needed to dye it and get the gray out. He then said that he wanted me to shave everything off so that I would look ten years younger. All of a sudden my wife says, “Yeah, go for it. I want you to shave it all right now.” We’ve been married for 17 years and I have lived under the threat of sexual deprivation if I ever shaved it off. I have threatened to shave several times as I have grown weary of trimming it. I asked her if she was certain. She said yes, she wanted to see what I would look like without it.
When I returned from the bathroom with a clean shaven face for the first time in ten years my son remarks that I look ten years younger. My wife looked at me for what felt like forever and then remarked that she liked it. I told her that as I was shaving, the more hair that disappeared, I kept seeing my dad in the mirror. It’s amazing how much my dad and I look alike. It’s almost scary. I went to work the following morning and got a host of comments from coworkers who seemed to be uncertain of who was in my office. As I left for work in the morning, my two daughters were still asleep. They had not seen the new me the night before. I came home from work and both girls were downstairs. I got to the bottom of the stairs and I heard the eight year old yell my favorite saying, “Daddy!” She then looked up and yelled, “EEEWWW!!” She asked, “What happened, who are you and where is my daddy?” My older daughter who is 12 turned and looked at me and said, “I like it.”
By the time I tucked the kids into bed, my youngest daughter indicated she likes the new me. My wife seems to like it too. I feel liberated in that now I can grow it or shave it at will.
_____________________________
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A. Lincoln
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RE: ZamDad's World - 11/1/2006 8:14:51 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1078
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: online
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November 1, 2006
I began a thread in the morality and ethics folder asking a question about carrying out justice. The question came from something I read in another blog, The Point on Breakpoint. As someone who makes sentencing recommendations to the court, I interview the criminals, speak to the victims, and learn about the person being sentenced from people who know the offender.
As I interview victims, most often they tend to be rather lenient on the perpetrator of their crime. I think in most cases it’s because the victim and the offender have a relationship and, each knows that they are going to have to face each other after the fact. Very rarely do I hear an actual victim say they want someone to go to prison and rot, to have the offender punished every minute of each day they are locked away.
Where I hear the harshest comments about how criminals ought to be treated come from the mouths of the common man. Those who view themselves as decent folk. They tend not to associate with ne’er do wells and live law abiding, productive lives. Most of them attend church and profess faith in Jesus Christ.
I think that many of the comments I hear from Christians are made flippantly. They hear some shocking detail of a particular crime and let the tongue express what’s on their mind. They don’t think that anyone will think bad of them for expressing the opinion. After all, we all want to see criminals punished for their crimes. The flippant comments are socially acceptable and add a form of social lubrication to allow conversation to carry on.
But, how do these flippant comments affect our testimony for Christ? Would Jesus say the things we say when we hear about a criminal about to be punished by the system? I think Jesus would allow the system to its job, but He would also speak to the heart of the offender causing the offender to do a moral inventory and think about how to live differently once released. Jesus would not demand that we lock the sex offender in a cell with Bubba so that Bubba could do to him what he did to his victim. Jesus would not say that we should cut off the part used in the commission of the crime.
While our desire for criminals to be punished and vengeance to be exacted is a perfectly natural part of our humanity, that’s all it shows; our humanity. Aren’t we supposed to desire the things God desires? Aren’t we supposed to show love in the same way that Christ showed us love? Aren’t we supposed to make disciples of men?
We want criminals rehabilitated in addition to their punishment. Yet, we keep looking to programs to rehabilitate them. While programming is necessary in a host of ways, without discipleship head knowledge rarely transitions to the heart. People who go through treatment and recovery type programs or come out of a period of incarceration are released back into the same world the programming tells them to avoid. As they search for the elusive new life, they find that those who profess the love of Christ are not much different than the rest of the world. These are the same people who made comments akin to throwing the convict to the wolves. That transformation of the mind that scripture talks about does not happen because those of us who profess Christ speak out of both sides of our mouth. Our testimonies are rendered useless when our flippant comments don’t match the values we profess.
_____________________________
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A. Lincoln
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RE: ZamDad's World - 11/6/2006 10:46:18 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1078
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: online
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November 6, 2006
Unbelievable! I suppose I have been a fortunate man in that I have never had a computer crash before. But, tonight the computer began giving us problems. I noticed that our virus scan was turned off. My wife said when she was using the computer that it froze on her several times. My youngest daughter said she was getting some pop up asking for computer protection that was not from our normal anti-virus program. The other two kids noticed that things weren’t working right, but they completely ignored everything. I tried to reinstall my protection service and then shut the computer down. My son tried to get on and got a message saying that Windows was not working properly.
Knowing just enough to be dangerous with the computer, I got on and tried to find a way to recover it without losing any data. Well, I got it working again as is evidenced by my writing this. But, in the process, I lost everything.
My son is hot because all the music he’s downloaded is gone. But for me, all my writings are gone. The taxes are gone. The pictures are gone. Shame on me for not backing things up. Our technology is great. But, failure to use it wisely is costly.
_____________________________
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A. Lincoln
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RE: ZamDad's World - 11/8/2006 11:42:04 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1078
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: online
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November 8, 2006
I had some reminders today, both good and bad. The bad was how draining it can be to respond to someone’s crisis. My new caseload is minimum supervision folks. People who are not supposed to need personal attention. It’s supposed to give me more time to do paperwork on an assortment of tasks. Most of the people on my new caseload are very low maintenance. We meet once every three months for a couple of minutes while I check the boxes to make sure conditions are complete and then tell them see you in three months.
One of these clients, a female, was having a crisis today. We were supposed to meet yesterday in person. I told her that I am ready to file a violation report with the court because, after more than six months, she hasn’t done anything required of her. I was on the phone with her several times today. Her story changed with each call. More than anything, I hate being lied to. She’s not a good liar as she lacks the ability to pick a lie and stick with it. To me, even if it hurts to say, I’d rather hear the truth than some fabrication. It’s easier to work with someone who is straight forward.
At the same time I was dealing with her, I was finding myself frustrated that there are no resources for single white females in my area. There are no programs where I can refer her for the help she needs. I thought of calling my church, but it’s too far from the community this woman lives in. I did call another woman I know who is active with her church in the same town. She agreed to be of assistance and help the client through the crisis. I felt a sense of frustration at “the church” overall as parishioners are rarely available to meet the hurting when needed and be disciple makers.
The good reminders came in the form of an email and a contact with someone in a parking lot as I was going to lunch. Both reminders were good in that they let me know what I am doing is not in vein. I often get asked how I can do the work I do and not get discouraged. Reminders like today affirm that it’s worth it.
At lunch, I heard my name called as I was walking into a restaurant. I saw a former client pop his head out of a car. He came toward me with his hand outstretched for a hand shake. I hadn’t seen him for quite some time and was afraid he had fallen back in to the old life. When I met him, he was a meth head. He was staying up for days at a time using meth. He was using pot, alcohol, and prescription narcotics to kill the edge from his tweaking. He lied to me like there was no tomorrow until I caught him red handed using meth. I found his stash of dope and his paraphernalia. I had him arrested and then, before court, gave him the ultimatum, jail or treatment. I visited him in treatment and continued to encourage him to pursue other avenues in life. He got himself enrolled in school and found a job. His probation finally expired. He was attending NA meetings pretty regularly and was working for someone I knew. It seemed like he suddenly disappeared. The employer was not sure where he went, only that he gave notice and left. We both assumed he had returned to using. He informed me today that he was using his degree, he’s working across the nation doing what he loves in a legitimate business. He’s also taking more college classes, got married and has a brand new baby. He looked healthy, he sounded good. It’s great to see someone get free from the bondage of chemical addiction. It’s great to hear how former clients are succeeding. Even if they don’t say it directly, hearing about the changes made is like hearing, “You made a difference.”
The email this morning was from a former client who has also undergone tremendous change. He explained to me that he has been struggling with the loss of some people who were very important to him and that he was homeless for a period of time. He recognized he was getting into his old criminal thinking again and decided to make a move that would stop the process of doing the same thing expecting different results.
The ups and downs of days like today are reminders that the effort, the pain and strain, the cost of discipleship, are worth every second of it.
_____________________________
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A. Lincoln
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RE: ZamDad's World - 11/11/2006 11:27:21 AM
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