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no hope left - please help a father - 9/19/2008 11:00:23 PM
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story010707
Posts: 3
Joined: 9/19/2008
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I am twenty three years old. I have been with my wife for three years and married for two. We have an eight month old daughter. I am the only man that I know that has been through what I have been through and I am going to have to make a choice very soon that i have no guidance on. Please give me any advice and wisdom you might have.
When we got together, we moved in together very quickly. Over the year before we got married, she quit her job, quit cleaning the house, became verbaly abusive to me, and failed to get her drivers license. She also was led to christ during this time before our marriage and we became active in our local church. Shortly before we went into premarital counseling at church, I told her that if she did not correct these issues I would not marry her and she would have to move out. She changed quite a bit and we got married a few months later.
As soon as the ring was on my finger, she turned back into the abusive woman she had been before, but now it was physical and very explosive. She would get mad at me at the drop of a hat and throw things and hit me. I did not call the police as i should have because I was trying to be a good husband and have faith that God would help us through this. I truly loved this woman. After about a year ofour marriage, I was working ten hours a day at a warehouse, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, maintaining our car, taking care of the finances and taking care of my dog. We would fight every single day. I went to our pastor for counsel on several occasions but nothing ever worked. We went together a couple of times but she decided that our pastor was not a competant marriage counseler and refused to go. We were very poor because she would not allow us to live frugal, and I allowed her to manipulate me into making poor financial decisions. Our apartment had holes in the walls and smelled terrible because of the dishes and chores that I could not keep up with. I sold all of my guitars ( I had owned them before we married ) and stopped my other artistic endeavors because she complained anytime I was not sitting on the couch with her. I gained twenty five pounds and started having chest pains and grinding my teeth at night. One night she hit me again and dug her finger nails into my skin so deep that I now have a scar. i decided that I wanted a divorce that night. In the next couple of days, I found out that she was pregnant. In my state you can not leave a pregnant woman. So i had to stay around with her for nine more months ( my daughter was almost a month over due). I took it as a sign and told God that if he wanted me to stay with her, i would. During this time her behavior became understandably out of control, but it was magnified by her already emotional nature and i told her that i wanted a divorce at seven months along. This after she had run away without telling me where she was and on foot (she to this day is not able to drive) We stayed living together.
After my daughter was born we went through a very brief period of trying to work it out. She was contoled at first but soon became very very verbally abusive and began to threaten me. One afternoon she got out of our car while we were stopped at an intersection, screaming (no words, just screaming) uncontrolably at the top of her lungs because i had not put up a drawing she had made me at my job. I decided that it was not healthy for my daughter to be exposed to that type of behavior and we arranged for her to go live with her step father across the country, who promised to get her psyciatric help and help her get on her feet. I know the odds of me getting custody of my daughter over her mother in my state and, in addition to the FACT that a girl needs her mother in her life if at all possible, i decided it would be in my daughter's best intrest if my wife was given the opportunity to become the person I know she can be. Because she has always been a VERY good mother, my daughter was allowed to go with her. I do mean that she is a great mother, it's probably the only compliment I can pay her at this time.
Three months later, my wife made a very big rebound and began to treat me in ways better than i could have imagined and was taking on huge amounts of resposibility. We talked through this time and i put aside my feelings of hurt and anger and told her I would be willing to try to work on us. Around this time, because of the housing market crash, her step father told her that he was unable to afford caring for her anymore. He has a very large family and the extra load was more than his finacial situation could handle. My mother told her that she and my daughter could live with them and she moved in. She really was changed in many ways, and I did realize that she was not finished with her work but was very excited to have my family back.
Three weeks later and now i find out that she has had phone sex with her manager from across the country since she has been back with me. This is the final straw and the last ounce of hope i could possible have mustered up for us is burned up. I can not take any more. I was told by everyone, including my paster whom I counseled with before asking for a divorce the first time, that I was vindicated and did not have to stay with her. That was before she cheated on me. So how do I handle this situation? This has all but torn my faith from me, because I stayed with her through so much believing that God would bless me and help me find a way to save us. I'm afraid that she will not be agreeable to a moderated divorce anymore, as we had planned on doing before we started trying to work on it again. I'm afraid she will get custody of my daughter and I will not be able to do anything except send a check to her every month. She will most likely move back to washington if she gets custody and i will never see my baby girl. So do i drag myself back into the ring and have my daughter lose her father to the stress and depression, or do i risk losing my relationship with my daughter to be able to show my daughter a real family? i am and have been praying, so simply telling me to pray is not help. i need some counsel here. Please.
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RE: no hope left - please help a father - 9/20/2008 9:56:47 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 813
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
Status: offline
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Where is your family in all of this? What about her family?
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RE: no hope left - please help a father - 9/20/2008 10:36:22 AM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2354
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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quote:
get her psyciatric help
Did she get it?
quote:
I'm afraid she will get custody of my daughter and I will not be able to do anything except send a check to her every month. She will most likely move back to washington if she gets custody and i will never see my baby girl.
I don't know what state you are in, but in most states these days, it doesn't matter if you are dad or mom, courts want what is best for the child. My husband has sole custody of his two daughters (17 and 16) and has since they were 4 and 2.
quote:
This has all but torn my faith from me, because I stayed with her through so much believing that God would bless me and help me find a way to save us.
God will make a way.
I'm not saying to divorce her or to stay with her, that is between you and God alone, but He WILL MAKE A WAY WHERE THERE SEEMS TO BE NONE.
Keep your faith in Him, trust Him even when it looks like there isn't even a road to walk on.
I wish I had some magic words to make it all be ok right now, all I do have is this:
Hebrews 12:12-13 NLT
So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees.
Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong.
_____________________________
"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction.
Every generation has to learn how to protect and defend it, or it's gone
and gone for a long, long time."
Ronald Reagan
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RE: no hope left - please help a father - 9/20/2008 12:51:21 PM
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truthrevealed
Posts: 329
Joined: 12/6/2007
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I wouldn't dare advise that you get a divorce only because it is a sensitive issue that you MUST decide based upon the peace/leading of God. You said you've prayed about it, if you're still unsure then, is there a rush to divorce right now? I DO believe for the sake of PEACE that you should consider an (indefinate) seperation. Your wife is obviously suffering from some type of emotional/mental affliction and I think that she needs to be deprived of the ability to explode uncontrollably on anyone. Perhaps she'll truly begin to seek help once she realizes that you can not be manipulated into coming back. Time does not bring about change.....change brings about change, so being seperated for weeks or months and then seeing a bit of difference in behavior wouldn't convince me a bit. But, your continued prayers will make a difference.....TRUST ME.
You may have to go thru this experience FULLY PREPARED that it may mean you may not see your daughter as much as if you were living together(although, is there any reason that you wouldn't be granted, at best, joint-custody?). Prepare yourself to go ****THROUGH*** possibly more pain, and disappointment for a season that you may COME OUT OF IT(the reason I stressed "through")on the other side, fortified and stronger, your roots having grown deeper in God becuase of how much you MUST rely on Him to make it thru this. And YOU WILL MAKE IT THRU THIS!!!!!! If you truly believe that, then no matter what occurs, your eyes are always on coming out to the other side.
I will pray for you. You will make it!!! This is but a season in your life. Someone will desperately need your testimony on how you made it thru so don't give up!!!!!!!!!!!
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RE: no hope left - please help a father - 9/20/2008 4:44:12 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 779
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: online
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I think you should document the mother's irrational behavior
and ALWAYS report spousal abuse!
I also urge you to seek legal counsel in this matter ASAP!
That way you aren't speculating on what your options are
or going on rumor.
Get custody issues and child visitations worked out legally and do it
soon.
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RE: no hope left - please help a father - 9/21/2008 5:58:59 AM
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Oldwing
Posts: 145
Joined: 9/12/2008
From: New Hampshire, USA
Status: offline
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Your wife needs professional help and MUST get it and follow through. It is your path to make this happen. You, as the stable parent, should be able to retain custody of your children through this trial, especially if your wife is institutionalized for any length of time. A temporary separation may be necessary. Seek an attorney on this.
Now, this is the tough part - You should stay married through all of this and be not only your children's strength but also your wife's strength. I know it sounds impossible, but with God's help you CAN do this.
Don't give up. If one professional cannot help your wife, find one who can. It may be a long road, but in the end you will save your children and you will save your wife and you will save your marriage and preserve your family.
I pray for peace and understanding for you and pray also that your wife comes through her issues and can become a well woman again. In Christ Jesus' name I pray these things.
_____________________________
Gary
These things I command you, that you love one another. John 15:17
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RE: no hope left - please help a father - 9/27/2008 3:33:09 PM
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terryjohn
Posts: 468
Joined: 3/23/2007
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If you can not leave, then burn her off. By throwing yourself on the mercy of God and becoming on fire for the things of God you will find she either falls on her knees or walks out. There is much wisdom in the saying, seek first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be given you. Your faith and dedication to Chirst in a very charismatics sense would shame, shock and defeat her.
Having set your eyes on Christ beat your chest and live with passion and an energy that leaves her wickedness in your dust. Now I am not saying you should be agressive towards her but in the light of eternity with Christ we got to get busy and there are more important matters in the world. Now if she wants to abuse you for your righteousness, praise God, but you need to work out your own salvation with fear and trembling!
Scripture makes it very clear that whoever loves their family more than they do Christ, is not worthy of the kingdom to come. Do not sacrifice the kingdom for your wife but hang on to the kingdom for your wife's sake. For the kingdom of God has from the time of John the Baptist been forcefully advancing and forceful men have been laying hold of it.
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RE: no hope left - please help a father - 9/28/2008 1:46:00 PM
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misty35
Posts: 614
Joined: 9/22/2008
From: Arkansas
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AMEN to that Truthrevealed!!! Hang in there Story010707, Truthrevealed is absolutely right, there will be someone, someday, thats going to need to hear your testimony! God makes no mistakes....we find ourselves in the valley, we walk those firey trials, but you remember this, where there is a valley, there is a mountain!!!!!! We must walk through the valley to reach the next high point in our lives, and there, is where God pulls you in, and your Faith in Him begins to GROW!
You are in my prayers!
Your Friend,
Misty
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RE: no hope left - please help a father - 9/28/2008 2:06:53 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1793
Joined: 5/23/2006
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Has your wife seen a doctor? She sounds like she could be manic depressive or something of that nature...Or other medical things could be going on that requires medical intervention.
I would suggest you do whatever you have to do to get her to a doctor so you can find out. After that there are other steps but please look into the medical aspect asap.
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RE: no hope left - please help a father - 9/28/2008 8:15:53 PM
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Exsulence
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Joined: 9/28/2008
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And how is that answer different in any way than the council he would get from the world, please, Jaimestarcross? Put another way: Why post to a Christian forum, answers he could find from the world? 
To the original poster: I would admonish you to give this more time. Did you say two years? In the larger scheme of things, two years is a drop in the proverbial bucket. Separation is probably a good answer, at this point.
Meanwhile, another poster suggested she may have mental health issues; but have you tried looking in the Bible lately? What this woman needs is deliverence. Practically all Jesus did, while on earth, was deliver people from evil spirits.
(scratching my head) Can't understand why Christians today are so reluctant to speak about evil, when casting it out of people was the primary focus of the Person we claim to follow?
Take care,
Exsulent
< Message edited by Exsulence -- 9/28/2008 8:22:18 PM >
_____________________________
"Ah, Lord God, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and Your outstretched arm. Nothing is too difficult for You! (Jer. 32: 17)"
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RE: no hope left - please help a father - 9/28/2008 8:31:15 PM
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misty35
Posts: 614
Joined: 9/22/2008
From: Arkansas
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Exsulence
And how is that answer different in any way than the council he would get from the world, please, Jaimestarcross? Put another way: Why post to a Christian forum, answers he could find from the world?
To the original poster: I would admonish you to give this more time. Did you say two years? In the larger scheme of things, two years is a drop in the proverbial bucket. Separation is probably a good answer, at this point.
Meanwhile, another poster suggested she may have mental health issues; but have you tried looking in the Bible lately? What this woman needs is deliverence. Practically all Jesus did, while on earth, was deliver people from evil spirits.
(scratching my head) Can't understand why Christians today are so reluctant to speak about evil, when casting it out of people was the primary focus of the Person we claim to follow?
Take care,
Exsulent
(scratching my head) Can't understand why Christians today are so reluctant to speak about evil, when casting it out of people was the primary focus of the Person we claim to follow?
I must say that I do agree with you.
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RE: no hope left - please help a father - 9/28/2008 11:17:38 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1793
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quote:
scratching my head) Can't understand why Christians today are so reluctant to speak about evil, when casting it out of people was the primary focus of the Person we claim to follow?
Well I think the devil and his demons gets a lot more credit than they deserve. He doesn't have nearly the power that some think he does.
I do believe evil forces are real, but are they responsible for the majority of problems in the world today? No, not imo...a lot of people suffer legitimate mental disorders based on medical situations and a lot of people have violence and explosive anger in their life for reasons other than the devil.
If he checks it out and takes her to the dr and the dr. gives a good report what harm is done? I'd rather err on the side of exploring possible medical problems myself.
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RE: no hope left - please help a father - 9/29/2008 11:03:13 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 4106
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From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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I so agree with the above poster who said this sounds like manic depression (i.e. bipolar disorder) and she needs to be seen by a medical professional NOW. The life of your daughter (and perhaps your wife's as well) may hang in the balance.quote:
Meanwhile, another poster suggested she may have mental health issues; but have you tried looking in the Bible lately? What this woman needs is deliverence. Practically all Jesus did, while on earth, was deliver people from evil spirits. While I am very aware of the reality of the demonic, without someone who has the gift of discerning of spirits being given a specific word on her case, one cannot assume that every mental problem is demonic in nature. That would be like some doctor telling everyone who comes to his office with a belly ache that they have appendicitis.
And, btw, deliverance from the demonic was only between 1/4 and 1/3 of HIS earthly ministry; NOT the majority of it.
_____________________________
Avatar is Saphira 5 months and Louvena at 23 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: no hope left - please help a father - 9/29/2008 11:22:52 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 4106
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
I do believe evil forces are real, but are they responsible for the majority of problems in the world today? No, not imo... Again, this is making an assumption. Without the gift of discernment of spirits in operation in each individual case we have no way of knowing HOW much of the mental problems are demonic in origin and how much is organic. It is also entirely possible that in many cases, both organic and demonic elements work together and without fixing BOTH, the person will not have proper healing.
_____________________________
Avatar is Saphira 5 months and Louvena at 23 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: no hope left - please help a father - 9/29/2008 11:42:30 PM
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Exsulence
Posts: 6
Joined: 9/28/2008
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EVERY Christian is equipped to discern evil spirits. That is, if their own born again spirit hasn't starved nearly to death or been overcome by evil, itself.
You're dreaming if you assume that the demons of Jesus day aren't alive and living on planet earth, today, embodied in innumerable persons, and busy about wrecking their lives. Such as the life of the woman described by the original poster.
Just because the medical community has engineered psychotic medications, does not a demon-filled person's life become "delivered" of the spiritual problem. They merely walk around with a straight-jacket on their brains, as it were. Allowing the church to ignore them and their need.
_____________________________
"Ah, Lord God, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and Your outstretched arm. Nothing is too difficult for You! (Jer. 32: 17)"
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RE: no hope left - please help a father - 10/2/2008 10:30:37 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1894
Joined: 9/26/2007
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I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Story.
Your wife sounds like a person who didn't think twice about sinning (living with you while unmarried - self-indulgent and getting what she wanted when God condemns that kind of lifestyle), lying about life (I'll play Christian and go right back to the selfishness and angry when I don't get my self-indulgent ways, and I'll make your life miserable, too).
I don't think this is demon possession (although it could be part of it) but just flat out carnality. Giving herself totally to self and not to God. It's certainly in line with the devil's traits - he's a liar and a murderer (destroyer of life) but I think her selfishness is playing along with his plans to deceive and destroy. He doesn't have to possess her but merely help her have her own way.
It's a spiritual battle, and your wife surrendered to the enemy. Her sin nature reigns. As you follow God and pray for her, God will either draw her back to Him or give her over to sin as much as she wants - and drown in it. So pray like crazy that God will be merciful to her and bring her to a godly remorse and desire to have God back in control of her life.
This must be torture for you, and it breaks my heart to see you suffer. You have chosen God's ways, and God will use this mess to pound you out over His anvil, so to speak, to make you a godly man who obeys Him no matter what. See how far you have come from the guy who also was self-indulgent and willing to live in a way that God said not to. He is working on you and sanctifying you! He loves you! He will continue to work in your life, no matter what your wife does. So be strong in the Lord and ask Him over and over to win in your wife's life and give you guys the kind of marriage God gives that works and blesses. Get some other men to meet with you and pray with you; we Christians weren't meant to go it alone. Let your pastor help and encourage you and pray for you - it's his job.
Meanwhile, you have to decide what is the best thing you can do for your kid if your wife turns around and if she doesn't. Put together a plan, and pray like crazy. God changes things when we do so:
Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. James 5:16
I am praying for you today, too. May God heal and sanctify your wife and give you guys a great marriage! God can do it; I'm praying He will. God bless you, brother.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: no hope left - please help a father - 10/4/2008 1:09:05 PM
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Gluelin
Posts: 35
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If you were the wife and she was the husband, I'm sure that the advice you'd be given is get out of there as fast as you can. If your wife's behavior is attributable to an illness, mental or otherwise, you have no basis to leave her. In fact, you should stay an help. If it's attributable to a sinful disposition, pray the Lord grants you the strength to flee her grip.
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