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random question on courting - 9/10/2008 11:01:06 PM
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Godsone
Posts: 40
Joined: 11/27/2007
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hi guys,
I just wanted to know if there is anyone here that does not believe in dating/courtship and just would rather seek the Lord about someone your friends with and if He says yes then preparing for marriage in an engagement? If so, would you please give me some more thoughts on this...
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RE: random question on courting - 9/11/2008 12:10:21 AM
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John_O
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Maybe we need more detail about what you're asking. I always thought that once you're interested in being more than friends it automatically moves into dating courtship. But then I'm old fashioned in some ways.
Give us a clearer picture of what you want to know. OK?
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: random question on courting - 9/11/2008 8:51:20 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4209
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yes more info is needed ... and courtship fans will take offense with you lumping that in with dating ...
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RE: random question on courting - 9/12/2008 12:26:47 AM
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Godsone
Posts: 40
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okay, I recently had a conversation with a friend who was thinking about not even courting before marriage. They wanted to seek the Lord about the person and if the Lord said yes then to start preparing for marriage. They said that if He said yes and there are ready for marriage in other areas then why spend time the long courting periods. This person also thinks that what Christians label as courting also looks a lot like the world's dating aside from the focus on marriage because a lot of people still go out on dates and think the door is open for romance when romance is something special that is meant from husband and wife.
I know that was loaded but tell me what you think :)
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RE: random question on courting - 9/12/2008 1:10:49 AM
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Grace-N-Mercy
Posts: 6132
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Godsone
okay, I recently had a conversation with a friend who was thinking about not even courting before marriage. They wanted to seek the Lord about the person and if the Lord said yes then to start preparing for marriage. They said that if He said yes and there are ready for marriage in other areas then why spend time the long courting periods. This person also thinks that what Christians label as courting also looks a lot like the world's dating aside from the focus on marriage because a lot of people still go out on dates and think the door is open for romance when romance is something special that is meant from husband and wife.
I know that was loaded but tell me what you think :)
To be honest, I see some red flags here. I've seen too many couples rush into marriage to condone this union. Just because the Lord says yes doesn't mean they should ignore all the time-tested "rules" of dating/courtship. They need to rely heavily upon what their parents think and I would guess that their parents would not approve of them rushing in. Also, are they spiritually mature enough to discern God's voice above their own? At 18, I was NOT. It's only after 20 years that I feel fairly confident I know His voice over my own... and I hear my own a LOT and still want to rush into things.
They need to take their time. They need to feel that temptation and then overcome it -- that will serve them well when other forms of temptation face them in the future... anywhere from improper spending of money to affairs.
quote:
This person also thinks that what Christians label as courting also looks a lot like the world's dating
They're trying to justify their own way of thinking here.
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RE: random question on courting - 9/12/2008 2:49:28 AM
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DreadPirateRandy
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Godsone
They wanted to seek the Lord about the person and if the Lord said yes then to start preparing for marriage.
It's simply not that easy.
I knew who I was going to marry awhile ago. I was given assurance in a matter of various ways of this. It's been over a year of knowing each other, talking nearly every day, and we're still having to wait for marriage. Not because that's our decision, it just isn't a possibility at this point in time. We must obey God's timing for things such as this.
You can't just meet someone and automatically prepare for marriage. You must find out if they are compatible with your own personal interests, your needs, your future path, etc. More importantly, you must receive assurance that they are the one you are to marry before you rush into it without knowing full well they are right for you.
Besides, no one can fully prepare for marriage. Marriage is a learning experience. No knowledge can provide you the necessary intellect as experience can bring you.
_____________________________
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, are of imagination all compact.
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RE: random question on courting - 9/12/2008 9:41:37 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
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we hear stories all the time from people who knew they would marry their spouse at first sight or after hearing from the Lord ... we hear a lot less stories from people who thought they were going to or supposed to marry someone else ... is your friend a man by any chance wanting to explore marriage with you? what he describes as 'Christian courtship' doesn't sound like anything from my understanding. why don't you pick up a courtship book like joshua harris and come up with an opinion yourself. there are many many many different ways to go from being single to being married and although there are probably many unwise approaches, there are multiple paths that can still all follow Biblical principles.
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RE: random question on courting - 9/12/2008 4:12:58 PM
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WaitingforBoaz
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I do not believe in the "new courting" ie parent controlled relationships.
I believe anyone over the age of 18 is old enough to be in control of their own relationships. Are they going to make mistakes, maybe, but they will make mistakes in other areas as well, finances, career, etc. but they will hopefully learn from them. Parental advise is invaluble, however, and I hope my daughers will consider mine.
I'm not sure what you mean by skipping dating/courting. Do you have someone in mind that wants to do this? This is new to me and I do not recommend it. Why would you enter into an engagement with someone you have not known on an intimate (not physically) level? You want to REALLY know that person before you take such a step.
_____________________________
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a mans character, give him power" - Abraham Lincoln
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RE: random question on courting - 9/12/2008 5:37:41 PM
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FunBetty
Posts: 7209
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From: Dr Pepper Country
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WaitingforBoaz
I'm not sure what you mean by skipping dating/courting. Do you have someone in mind that wants to do this? This is new to me and I do not recommend it. Why would you enter into an engagement with someone you have not known on an intimate (not physically) level? You want to REALLY know that person before you take such a step.
It reminds me of the whole Dharma/Greg kinda thing. They went on a first date and decided to skip the dating part and eloped that night.
I'd wonder what a pastor doing premarital counseling would say to such a couple that decided to get married and skipped everything else including getting to know/wooing the other person. And how would you pick this person? Go through an interview process when you meet him/her? See if you match on kids/finances/politics/pets/etc. and then whether this person is also interested in skipping the process? Already it seems more complicated than it was made out to be.
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RE: random question on courting - 9/12/2008 6:00:35 PM
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DreadPirateRandy
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WaitingforBoaz
You want to REALLY know that person before you take such a step.
Exactly.
My girlfriend and I spent eight months of growing together intimately and spiritually without the physical aspect. It is the reason why our relationship is as great and blessed as it is.
_____________________________
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, are of imagination all compact.
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RE: random question on courting - 9/14/2008 3:20:52 PM
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Godsone
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quote:
is your friend a man by any chance wanting to explore marriage with you?
no we're just friends.
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RE: random question on courting - 9/14/2008 3:31:04 PM
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Godsone
Posts: 40
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quote:
Why would you enter into an engagement with someone you have not known on an intimate (not physically) level? You want to REALLY know that person before you take such a step.
okay i'm not sure if i beleive in this system myself but i just wanted to know what other people thought about it. So i'm going to answer this in their point of view.
ummm, i think to answer this question-knowing someone intimately emotionally is something that my friend thinks should be saved for marriage too. Part of guarding your heart is not given in too much emotionally. saying that you really want to know that person is an invalid reason for them because they feel that if you heard from the Lord then that should not be a big factor because you have the rest of your life to get to know them. they were not talking about strangers that just meant but people that are growing in friendship; so maybe they hang out in group events and talk as friends.
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RE: random question on courting - 9/14/2008 8:40:53 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Godsone
ummm, i think to answer this question-knowing someone intimately emotionally is something that my friend thinks should be saved for marriage too. Part of guarding your heart is not given in too much emotionally. saying that you really want to know that person is an invalid reason for them because they feel that if you heard from the Lord then that should not be a big factor because you have the rest of your life to get to know them. they were not talking about strangers that just meant but people that are growing in friendship; so maybe they hang out in group events and talk as friends.
Part of deciding if you are compatible is in giving your heart, Knowing that you can connect emotionally is just as important as connecting intellectually and spiritually and physically.
The danger in hanging around in groups as friends is that you come to see each other as "friends" and never as "potentials" I'd wager that most men here have heard the "I just want to be friends" line from a woman they were interested in.
I agree with sunluvingirl's post. There will be a time of getting to know each other, whether you call it dating or courting or pursuing the great pumpkin doesn't matter. The process doesn't really change.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: random question on courting - 9/17/2008 6:36:25 PM
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joy2give2u
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I agree as well
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RE: random question on courting - 9/18/2008 6:21:56 AM
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broyce1981
Posts: 1887
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I've just got to say this sound very strange to just decide to get married without dating/courting/pursuing the great pumpkin, etc. I wonder why somebody would want to do that?
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RE: random question on courting - 10/16/2008 10:59:29 PM
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OneJohn410
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The word They in the second sentence also refers to a 'single' single friend, and not the non-dating couple, if I'm reading this right. In other words, this is one persons idea, and not a friendly couple's idea?
What does your friend think should happen when preparing for marriage, after God says 'make it so,' scares he or she mightily? I don't understand why someone is not going to prepare for marriage before stepping out in faith like that. You could run in to a lot of 'ehh, I don't know... this looks like it wouldn't be such a good idea' followed by 'God said do it so I don't have a choice.' I'm not talking about spiritual warfare about one's hopeful beloved- I'm talking about not using much of any smarts God's given you until after you hear from Him. I don't want the bother of dating or even thinking much about someone, Lord, just tilt that sign down and point out the one, and the same for me, and we'll get on with it and start planning our wedding.
Your friend is a real sociologist, doing all that research on dating styles of Christians and Worldians. Was this some academic research poll done, or just personal opinion based on TV shows? That's a real sweeping generalization to be making about the looks of datinig styles. How was it determined who the real Christians were and who consider that to just be a warm fuzzy every so often when life is terrible?
It's a bad idea. It's really bad if there's no preparation beforehand on either one of the two people. And it's obnoxious to thiink of conversation along the lines of 'Hey, let's prepare for marriage, you and me, and then we'll pray about it and if God says yes, we'll just skip the dating and start planning the day.' Where's conversation fit in to this marriage model idea?
I know this is a loaded response, but there's a lot of hurt in the world on marriages that split, and not just between spouses, but children get challenged too.
OneJohn410
quote:
ORIGINAL: Godsone
okay, I recently had a conversation with a friend who was thinking about not even courting before marriage. They wanted to seek the Lord about the person and if the Lord said yes then to start preparing for marriage. They said that if He said yes and there are ready for marriage in other areas then why spend time the long courting periods. This person also thinks that what Christians label as courting also looks a lot like the world's dating aside from the focus on marriage because a lot of people still go out on dates and think the door is open for romance when romance is something special that is meant from husband and wife.
I know that was loaded but tell me what you think :)
_____________________________
When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, "Let's go to Bethlehem! Let's see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about. Luke 2:15 (NLT)
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RE: random question on courting - 10/22/2008 2:10:43 PM
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Trusting.in.Him
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First of all, we run into problems when we adopt a mindset of "being separate from the world for the sake of being separate". I fully believe that we should "come out from among them" as the Bible says, but does that mean that we shouldn't shop at Walmart or eat at McDonalds, because those are things of the WORLD? No...we are to be separate in that we abstain from the SINFUL things of the world. That means we abstain from pre-marital sex, we guard our hearts from fleshly (sinful) desires, and we seek to behave in such a way that would honor God in our opposite-sex relationships. That being said, dating can be godly, and courting can be ungodly..it's about how you live your life, not the 'methods' you use.
In my opinion, the whole "ask God and if He says yes then go for it" thing is a BAD idea. I'd say that as a general rule, one of the main ways that God shows us who He wants us to marry is through a Godly relationship...be it dating, courting, whatever. As we diligently seek Him throughout our relationship, He will work it out the way He has planned. It's nice to say that you want to wait till marriage for emotional intimacy, but here's the thing...until you know a person on an intimate level, you can't possibly be sure that they are the right person for you. Saying "God will tell me, I don't need to have an intimate relationship" is a bit like refusing to take medical treatment because you believe "if it's God's will for me to get better, it will happen without doctors or medicine." I believe in seeking Him wholeheartedly in the matter, but at the same time, in these matters I say, God gave you a brain; use it!  If you don't believe me, read Proverbs. The kind of wisdom that book speaks of is the kind you need to use when selecting and getting to know your future mate.
As for my personal opinion on methods, I don't think it's necessarily wrong to go out and have a good time with a member of the opposite sex. The only problem there, is that it's sometimes hard to do that without embarking on a journey towards a serious relationship. And I think that's something that you need to carefully condsider...I know for myself, I'd rather not be in a serious relationship until I'm ready to be married, but that's just a personal opinion. I know people who dated in high school and don't regret it at all. But for me, I think it's a great idea to become really good friends with a person, then when you think you are at a point in life where you're ready to get hitched, and you seriously think they are/could be the one, pursue a deeper relationship. Call it dating, call it courting, it's all basically the same at that point. Either way, if you're following after God's heart, I think you'll end up where you need to be! :)
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RE: random question on courting - 10/22/2008 2:22:38 PM
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Elena1030
Posts: 475
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From: Music City, USA
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Godsone
quote:
Why would you enter into an engagement with someone you have not known on an intimate (not physically) level? You want to REALLY know that person before you take such a step.
okay i'm not sure if i beleive in this system myself but i just wanted to know what other people thought about it. So i'm going to answer this in their point of view.
ummm, i think to answer this question-knowing someone intimately emotionally is something that my friend thinks should be saved for marriage too. Part of guarding your heart is not given in too much emotionally. saying that you really want to know that person is an invalid reason for them because they feel that if you heard from the Lord then that should not be a big factor because you have the rest of your life to get to know them. they were not talking about strangers that just meant but people that are growing in friendship; so maybe they hang out in group events and talk as friends.
Your friend needs to tweak his/her thinking a bit.
It's not that you shouldn't connect emotionally at all. It's that a lot of people do not know how to wisely protect themselves and reserve some emotional-intimacy-building conversations, topics, activities, and behaviors until engagement or even until marriage.
And sometimes you don't discover what those boundaries are for you until you've done them and made mistakes.
For example....
I've discovered that --- for me --- cooking together in his home (or mine) is too intimate a setting and activity. Not sinful at all! But for me, my pattern is that I do a lot of emotional bonding toward that guy (whether he is experiencing the same or not) when we do things that married people do.
The danger is that he may not be bonding toward me in that way or that deeply or at the same pace. He may not have the same view about that activity and setting. But he does need to respect that it is my view... and care about me enough not to cross the boundaries I set for us and for myself.
(If he has similar views on what we will save for other stages of the relationship, then that's even better!!)
Now... a group of me and my friends getting together and cooking in one of our homes... similar deal: if I have a thing for the guy in the group (which was a true situation in my recent past), then that's going to be a situation in which I really, really have to rein in my thoughts and emotions. I don't have to let them control me. But it is a tempting situation in which to start daydreaming and building sandcastles in the air. (I know: I'm weird. I accept that! )
But I wouldn't have known that about myself until I experienced it.
So... you don't have to rule out dating altogether. You don't have to rule out emotionally connecting, altogether. You have to learn to listen to God and pay attention when He shows you what your patterns are and where your weaknesses lie.... and then set boundaries accordingly and STICK to them!
Let's reframe our thinking, then:
It's not: Well, we CAN'T do this now. or We shouldn't do this now.
It's: The loving choice is to save this <conversation, topic, activity, behavior, words, whatever> for a future stage, a stage that we feel is appropriate for that thing. We do not want to devoid that thing of its meaning, and taking it out of its proper context for us, WOULD deprive it of its full meaning. So we choose to wait. We choose to reserve that thing. We set it aside for now. (And aren't we glad that we ARE looking forward to experiencing that together! If we weren't, then surely that would be one evidence that this relationship is not headed toward marriage.)
Make sense?
< Message edited by Elena1030 -- 10/22/2008 2:29:22 PM >
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RE: random question on courting - 10/22/2008 9:50:47 PM
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song
Posts: 261
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Southern Florida
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Godsone
I just wanted to know if there is anyone here that does not believe in dating/courtship and just would rather seek the Lord about someone your friends with and if He says yes then preparing for marriage in an engagement? If so, would you please give me some more thoughts on this...
I have friends who have done that. Worked for them. Then others who dated for years, worked for them.
I personally have no idea what will work for me because I haven't tried anything yet. And I'm too happy with my own life to have a huge opinion about what other people do with theirs.
I think if it's something you want to do, go for it. I don't think you necessarily have to "date" someone before you can marry them in order for the marriage to be healthy. There's a lot of cultures around the world who don't "date".
_____________________________
This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ~ 1 John
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