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RE: when kids get into trouble - 7/12/2008 1:19:08 PM
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PrincessDonna
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From: Cow country, Upstate NY
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You're not the other kids' parent. You are Jack's parent. You can't worry about how other people choose to discipline their kids.
And honestly, since the kids were at YOUR house when they got in trouble, I think his punishment should be more than the other kids. If something had happened to them, you would have likely been held liable.
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RE: when kids get into trouble - 7/12/2008 1:52:29 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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From: WA
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When I was young we would walk in the middle of the night, TP friends' houses, etc, and our parents never knew. We were pretty good kids (my friends and I), and it was a different world, and our parents simply didn't pay enough attention.
My own kids would never do that, of course, because I raise them differently, and perhaps Jack knew better, but perhaps his friends did not. And also, in that family, maybe being yelled at by Dad IS being 'in big trouble'.
I think mostly, besides punishment, Jack needs to learn to stand up against peer pressure, and rather than punishment, a lack of trust from you in him might be what is appropriate right now.
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RE: when kids get into trouble - 7/12/2008 2:21:57 PM
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Leslie_JnJs_mom
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If he would have asked I would have let him go. Jack is a good kid so he has a lot of freedom. This is a very small town of only 138 people. The main highway was rerouted around our town 12 years ago so there is no traffic and we know everyone. Being outside at 11 at night was not as big of a deal as not asking.
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RE: when kids get into trouble - 7/12/2008 2:25:28 PM
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shadowspring
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quote:
ORIGINAL: peculiar_lady2
whether his friends parents knew where they were or not is not your concern. You told them to go home, and they did. Jack knows your rules though and chose to ignore them and not ask if he could walk them home or go for a night stroll or anything. I doubt you would have been too harsh on him if given the right circumstances and at the proper time (depending on yours and your towns curfew) if he asked you to go do something. You seem like a reasonable parent who isn't too hard core "just say to to everything" kind of person. He chose to not ask though....and whether his friend got in trouble or not, that was his mistake and he needs to have to deal with the consequences of that decision.
Totally agree with peculiar_lady.
You did the right thing. Don't feel bad for Jack. It's only for a short time but hopefully the need to ask for permission before leaving the house at night (or anytime!) will stick with him forever.
Even adults let other members of the household know when they are leaving and where they are going. It's common courtesy. Jack needs to own this.
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RE: when kids get into trouble - 7/13/2008 6:23:54 AM
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Purposeful_Life
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Totally agree with your approach - the only other dimension would be to wonder [maybe even to ask] if there was something particularly that couldn't wait until morning.
For example - if the friend was in distress / needing help on a matter that they felt couldn't wait - did they then go for a walk to avoid disturbing you?
I am not saying that Jack should get off - but maybe there were mitigating circumstances.
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RE: when kids get into trouble - 7/13/2008 7:38:42 PM
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Leslie_JnJs_mom
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The kids that were here were visiting family friends that live in our town. So when I said that they needed to go home Jack later told me that they were just walking them back to the house they were staying at.
As far as trouble goes he has had worse punishments. It is over now anyways. It was a small thing he did so he was only grounded a couple of days. Now if I had told him no and he did it anyways oh boy he would be grounded for another 2 weeks. Jack is not the type of kid to do that though. He will beg when he wants something I said no to but not disobey.
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RE: when kids get into trouble - 7/13/2008 7:48:59 PM
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1love1God1way
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Hmmm.
If it were me and my friends. . . all of us would have been punished. I can't tell you how many times my friend's parents grounded me!
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RE: when kids get into trouble - 7/13/2008 8:21:06 PM
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pbaribeault
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Joined: 4/29/2005
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quote:
Jack is a good kid so he has a lot of freedom... I was not feeling well so I was laying in bed but not asleep... Normally I just smile and continue checking on them... I told Jack it was time for his other friends to go home... If he would have asked I would have let him go... He finally gets home and I ask him where he was at and he just says that they went for a walk together. 11 o clock at night and they decide to go for a walk without permission.
Forgiven me, but it's hard to kindly wonder something in text without sounding accusing. I'm kindly wondering if perhaps you might have been a little "off your game" snappish, irritable, perhaps abrupt in the sudden instruction for your son to eject his friends? Maybe a little more emotional than would have been ordinary for you while you were trying to locate him? And when he got home?
Then, going back to bed, I can see a well-meaning son saying to himself, "It will probably be fine with her. I don't want to bother her if she's trying to sleep, and I certainly don't want to upset her if she's already edgy. Let's just go."
If your normal style is more of a, "Boy it's late, you should think about heading home soon." and "Sure, no problem if you want to walk them home." kind of a style, maybe he didn't really grasp how important the permission element is to you, if you are ordinarily off hand about that kind of thing.
Well, he grasps it now.
But with all the contributing factors, it does seem more like a minor lapse in judgment out of a well motivated good kid. Perhaps you might think about a discussion, apology and reconciliation in two directions. Teens are really quick to sense injustice, and it can really eat them up.
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He is a pretty good kid so hanging out together is rarely ever a problem. I am sure many of us have been there. Our kids do something together but we are the only ones who actually punish our children.
